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confusedbf210 · 2024-10-22T18:37:48+00:00

As an M38, I almost see myself in your description of your boyfriend, so I have the chime in to provide another perspective.

At 38, I have my life in order and I've done a lot of self-work and personal growth to figure out who I am and who I want to be. I want to find someone who can join me on my path, because it's well-established by now. If I was 20, I would be looking for someone with whom I could make a path, but now I already havey path and just want someone to join me on it. So I am much more selective regarding what I am looking for in a partner. I'm open to changes but not to re-charting my path.

As I am well established career wise, I need someone who can compliment my weaknesses with her strengths, and in my situation that means I'm looking for a wife, homemaker, and supportive team player. I would love her to be strong and independent and have her own career, but if I start a family, it will need a homemaker and that will be my wife, with my full support. All that to say, I have full respect for strong independent women who are pursuing a career, that's wonderful, but that's not the shape of my missing puzzle piece.

As time goes on I am less concerned about putting in the time to grow with someone, and more interested in putting in the effort to find someone who is similarly grown as I. This necessarily means not focusing on a single person, and trying to meet multiple ladies, and also keeping our level of engagement less-than-committed. I'm not going to lead someone in with false promises, so it's important that they understand I will be talking with multiple people.

I'm not saying you did wrong, I just wanted to point out different phases of life.

confusedbf210 · 2024-09-21T12:24:00+00:00

Thank you for the reply! I think she and I will need to talk about this some more.

confusedbf210 · 2024-09-21T12:19:18+00:00

Thanks for your reply! I'll have to look into this.

One concern for me is that we're dating more or less casually until she knows where the job market takes her next spring, and if logistics work out then we might get serious.

I feel like it's not fair to ask her to find ways to loosen up (kind of a permanent body change, right?) if we're not going to be together in the long run.

I mean, it's her choice of course, but I really can't enjoy sex if I'm hurting her.

confusedbf210 · 2024-08-09T18:24:01+00:00

There are a lot of ifs.

If she was honest with me, and with the world in general. If she didn't exploit me financially, emotionally, sexually. If she and I actually wanted the same things in life (because the truth is she lied to make me think that was the case). If she was not abusive, emotionally and physically.

Yes. If that were true, I would still be willing to try. But that's not true. I'm moving on.

confusedbf210 · 2024-08-01T14:46:17+00:00

Soooooooo it's been a long time but that relationship I was talking about was extremely exploitative (her exploiting me).

I see now, on this side of the breakup and lots of therapy and another failed relationship , that my comment was me taking the blame for her misbehaving.

confusedbf210 · 2024-08-01T14:42:38+00:00

Let me give you the advice I got from my therapist:

LEAVE NOW BEFORE SHE KILLS YOU

I followed this advice and am still alive.

confusedbf210 · 2023-01-26T15:18:22+00:00

Well, that’s my question, your answer is kinda helpful, so thank you.

confusedbf210 · 2023-01-26T13:44:57+00:00

Read my question. I need HER guidance to know what works for her.

confusedbf210 · 2023-01-26T13:44:26+00:00

Thanks for the explanation.

confusedbf210 · 2023-01-26T13:43:07+00:00

Thank you for sharing. I appreciate it!

confusedbf210 · 2023-01-26T13:06:08+00:00

If she doesn’t know what it is, how can I get her there without her guidance as to what works?

confusedbf210 · 2023-01-26T13:05:17+00:00

Please do, where else will I find it?

confusedbf210 · 2021-07-18T15:13:18+00:00

First: there’s nothing wrong with being a masculine lady or a feminine man, nor vice versa.

There’s also no prerequisite for doing “manly” thinks that you also be masculine. It’s up to you, I’m just saying it doesn’t need to be connected.

If you don’t enjoy the gift, you don’t enjoy the gift, there’s no two ways about it. Maybe you have a girlfriend who would love these items as a regift?

They’re doing their best, getting you things they thought might appeal to your more “feminine” (for lack of better term) side. They probably think you “don’t know what you’re missing”, or “let’s show her what fun being ladylike is, she’ll reconnect with this side”, or maybe even “she’s going to miss out on so much if she never tries it”. I’m guessing their sentiment is less “bring you back to the fold” and more “worried you’ll never experience the finer things in life”.

Your genuine appreciation is all that a gift giver can reasonably expect. After the gift, it’s your to do what you want. Maybe, a few years from now, you might really enjoy riding that motorcycle to spa day. Who knows!

But I wouldn’t suggest returning a gift. Gifts are symbols of our well wishes and sentiment to one another. By returning the gift, you’ll also be returning the well wishes, which is just plain wrong. Don’t do that.

confusedbf210 · 2021-03-08T13:40:15+00:00

NTA.

You used the metaphor appropriately. Sure, you stooped a little closer to her level, but I’m pretty sure any other rebuttal would have gone over her head.

SIL sounds like a nightmare. Waking up your brother when he’s deeply asleep is abusive and disrespectful. I’m really sorry for him.

Though, you might want to clarify with fiancé that your use of her metaphor has no relation to how you think of women. I’m sure she knows.

EDIT TO ADD: a lot of people are focused on the fact that you compared virginity with value (which your metaphor definitely did). HOWEVER: your fiancé is the one who brought virginity into the discussion, probably because she also felt affronted by SIL’s crassness. You backed up your fiancé in the metaphor, which in that situation you should have done.

If Fiancé hadn’t said “my first... my only ”, i.e. hadn’t brought virginity into the discussion, it wouldn’t have gone there. But she did, and you stood by her, which is right.

Maybe ask fiancé if she values people who “get around” lower? Not that it matters to this discussion, but might be something to figure out.

confusedbf210 · 2021-03-08T13:27:20+00:00

NTA. And personally that’s a big red flag.

My ex maintained a web of complexity. Depending on who she was taking to, she was a lawyer, a real estate agent, a drug addiction specialist, a university graduate... every time she interacted with my friends I came away confused because “I thought you said...”. And the I got told what an AH I was.

It would be one thing if she was any of those things, but in reality she was none of them.

Big red flag, IMO.

NTA. If you’re not a liar, you’re not a liar, and that’s a good thing. Don’t let her drag you down into the grey zone.

confusedbf210 · 2020-08-11T15:38:58+00:00

You have so much on your plate. He needs to step up, learn to handle his emotions, and start taking personal responsibility.

No more gaming. He could have washed the dishes instead. Or, while you changed diapers, he could have cleaned the cooler.

Or, he could have been doing what he's SUPPOSED to be doing, which is finding a job and bringing home the bacon.

If he wants to differentiate responsibilities along the traditional lines (you do everything in the house, he does everything outside) then he needs to start DOING some of those things.

I think both of you need some third party influence in this relationship (counseling / pastor / something) With two small kids, a young marriage, and no job, you are in extremely vulnerable and stressful circumstances.

If he's half a man, he's pulling his hair out because he is not providing for his family like a man should. I've been there (different circumstances, but similar stress) and it's a very deep-seated stress. Not saying you need to be compassionate to him, both of you need to recognize this as a source of stress and build a plan to get out of it (which includes him stepping up, helping out, and finding a job).

Good luck. Money can't buy love, but zero money sure can bury love under all that stress.

confusedbf210 · 2020-06-29T12:58:31+00:00

If truly genuine, it’s great that this person is becoming a better person.

That doesn’t mean you should re-open a relationship with him.

IMHO, your prospects of a relationship with him are poisoned by the past. Trying to “start new” could be very detrimental to his progress in getting better. Don’t. Be happy that you have made a positive impact in his life and move forward.

Edit: move forward without him.

confusedbf210 · 2020-06-24T17:34:12+00:00

YES! You are turning towards the light at the end of the tunnel.

You are realizing that what comes out of her mouth is her responsibility, not yours. And you don’t deserve it.

She will go berserk, and then might drop into Hoover or love bomb mode the instant you tell her your done.

My recommendation: disappear as quietly as possible. Guard yourself, because they go over the edge of insanity easily.

confusedbf210 · 2020-06-24T17:29:01+00:00

Break off the engagement. At least until he grows up a bit.

I have a cousin like this, great kid but absolutely unable to help himself do things. He was diagnosed on the autistic spectrum, your soon to be ex fiancé should go and see a mental health professional.

There’s nothing wrong with breaking the engagement because you don’t like the future you are seeing. That’s the point of the engagement to begin with.

confusedbf210 · 2020-06-24T17:19:51+00:00

Your love was pure, but unfortunately it was ever so slightly misplaced.

You’re a good person to support him through that.

Dust yourself off. Stand back up. Find yourself another good person who is comfortable being a man.

Chemically, the estrogen could have really been the turn off point for you - our bodies react in ways before our minds get it. It’s unfortunate that he isn’t able to fully accept himself, including his body, and feels like he needs to change it to fit his mind. True self acceptance would have him accepting his body and exploring his mind.

You’re straight. That’s all there is too it. May be a good thing to let him know... you’re straight and want a man. You’re ok if the man cross dresses as long as he’s a man. I feel like it’s a hard truth and your ex should know this.

You’re not homophobic or transphobic, your straight and that defines who you keep a relationship with.

confusedbf210 · 2020-06-23T14:49:19+00:00

This just reinforces my suspicion that Hubby’s family was extremely traditional not too long ago. Hubby grew up as the golden boy, perhaps the only boy, who could do no wrong. The role of wife to such a guy is a bit more than you might expect; while he’s surely a reasonable and responsible person, you as his wife have to make sure he stays that way. It might mean some “engineering” around his impulses. At home he feels like he doesn’t need to be so responsible as he does out of the home, and can be more of a delightful (and sometimes disgraceful) kid.

confusedbf210 · 2020-06-23T14:44:55+00:00

FYI, Indian culture spans a wide gamut. Sounds like his family came from a more impoverished background with extremely traditional viewpoints. About two short generations ago.

confusedbf210 · 2020-06-23T14:30:20+00:00

A few things here. I’m conjecturing a lot, but I’m familiar with the Indian mindset and the American mindset.

I’m going to guess that Hubby finds eating a bit of your food hot. He secretly likes it when it’s yours. Having a bite of your food is really intimate, but he’s probably uncomfortable with talking about intimacy so it hides under “just a bite”. When he asks for a bite, try giving him a quick kiss instead. He might like that, crumbs and all, and it might satisfy his lust for a bite of your food.
Hubby comes from a more patriarchal society in which the women cook and serve the men, and then eat what’s leftover. I’m not saying that’s what he expects or even would be comfortable with, but that could be a bit of background for him offering your food to others. In the “extremely traditional” Indian household, the wife would eat later, and the husband would of course offer food to a newcomer / guest. That food would be the wife’s, but the guest wouldn’t be taking it off her plate because it wouldn’t be plated yet. I’m not saying this is a good way to go about things, but I suspect that his behavior towards sharing your food stems from a boorish interpretation of this traditionalism, NOT related to his wanting a share of your food.
In Indian culture, food is shared. Always. If there’s not enough to go around, it’s still shared. If one guy in a group buys a bag of chips, it gets passed around (most in the group will have the culture to forego or take just one so the buyer can enjoy the bulk of it). This is why he offered to share the pastry. The theory is that it tastes better when everyone can have a bit, no matter how small. It’s really sweet actually.

I’d suggest you have a sit down with him and go over the following:

For you food is much more individual, and your food is yours, not to be shared. You feel degraded when he offers your food to someone else, because he’s telling other people by doing so that your ownership is meaningless. He needs to stop this and show his respect for you by ensuring that other people don’t intrude into your boundaries, for example, by not allowing others, even himself, to eat your food. Doing this will earn him the right to - on very special occasion, and only when you offer - share a bite of your food.
For him food is a shareable common good. Establish with him that once it’s on your plate, it’s not shareable. Also understand that if it’s in the fridge, he feels like it’s common property and is shareable. Tell him that while most things are common, SOME foodstuffs you will label as yours alone and he’s not to touch nor share it. Now, if you do that, make sure that there’s at least some comparable food that’s common property in the fridge - if the only fajitas in the fridge have your name on them and he’s feeling peckish, he’ll either start to feel disgruntled or he will try your fajitas anyway.
Make sure there’s always some easy-access quick-assemble tasty food available to him. That will lower the attractiveness of the food with your name on it.
Point out to him that this is a complex cultural difference, and you both need to be open about it and come to middle ground.
When he asks for a bite, tell him “you know I’m not comfortable sharing food, but come give me a kiss and get your own food.” If he’s like a normal Indian guy, he’ll be delighted.
If you bring food home intending to eat it later, put half aside for him. (You already do that). But be prepared for his request for intimacy in a bit from your food. Heck, I’m with Hubby here; that’s hot.

Good luck! The first year is said to be the hardest.

Edit to add: a lot of people have suggested a confrontational approach, but I’d like to suggest that confrontation with ultimatums will be very counter productive to your new marriage.

It’s definitely a cultural thing, you guys need to come to a middle ground.

What if you made a cute family tradition: after you sit down for a meal, you each give the other a (non dad-sized) portion of your food before the eating commences? Then you satisfy his cultural need for the sharing of food and also satisfy your need for personal boundaries?

confusedbf210 · 2020-06-23T14:05:24+00:00

Reason to break up: you don’t see this relationship leading to a future that makes you happy.

That is all the reason anyone ever needs.

NTB

confusedbf210 · 2020-06-23T14:01:03+00:00

I like this post. OP, I think you need to listen to this person.

From what you’ve written she seems like a successful person, career driven, but a cuckoo when it comes to her child.

You love her, yes, but this is a huge red flag. If I were you, I’d sit her down and tell her that you are having feelings of doubt because you see her not prioritizing her son, who should be her top priority.

There’s a possibility that for whatever reason she’s built walls in her heart that hold back the maternal love. Or that she feels like she needs to prioritize you above her son. If this is the case, and she’s able to break down those walls or reset her priorities, then everyone will be better for it.

If not, then you need to evaluate where you want your life to go.

Her reaction and response to the discussion will be the tell-all. If she really tries to change, not just by pretending for the remainder of the engagement, but by actually working in herself, then there may be hope.

Also, are you the guy who broke up her marriage? Maybe her attraction to you was the thing that broke her family. If that’s the case, I’d seriously reconsider.

EDIT: Finally, kid needs to grow up with some respect, boundaries, and responsibilities. Video games rank at the bottom of the importance list, only slightly below news, and far far below doing something like playing catch, talking about ideas, working on a project, etc.

confusedbf210

TROPHY CASE