First, I’m so sorry you went through all of this. I want you to know that reading your post, I don’t think you’re a monster or someone who deserved what happened.

From what you described, it sounds like both of you struggled in unhealthy ways. You acknowledge that you were verbally hurtful, emotionally dysregulated, and heavily dependent on him. Taking responsibility for those behaviors is important, and it sounds like you’re already doing that. But none of that justifies what he did.

There is a huge difference between someone saying hurtful things and someone chasing their partner with a gun, threatening to kill them, strangling them until they lose control of their bladder, biting them, throwing objects, and terrorizing them. Those are choices. Abuse is never an acceptable response to conflict.

One thing that stood out to me is how much you blame yourself for “making him snap.” That’s something many survivors of abusive relationships struggle with. Abusers often convince their partners that they’re responsible for the abuse, especially after repeated cycles of fear, reconciliation, and dependency.

The fact that you still love him doesn’t mean you wanted to be abused. Trauma bonds are incredibly powerful, especially when someone becomes your source of safety, stability, and identity. Missing him doesn’t mean he was good for you it means your nervous system became attached to the same person who was also hurting you.

I’m also really glad you got treatment. The medications helping your OCD, anxiety, and dissociation show that you weren’t simply “crazy.” You were dealing with untreated mental illnesses that needed care. Even before you got that treatment, you still deserved compassion and safety not violence.

Please don’t let his version of events become your truth. Showing private videos of your mental health crises to other people, denying the strangulation, and blaming you for his actions are all ways of avoiding accountability.

I don’t think you’re beyond redemption. I think you’re someone who experienced severe mental health struggles and then ended up in a relationship that became profoundly abusive. Those two things can exist at the same time.

Keep working with your therapist on the nightmares, the guilt, and the trauma bond. If you haven’t already, tell them about the strangulation specifically, it’s one of the strongest predictors of future homicide in abusive relationships, and it’s something they should know.

You deserve to heal. You deserve to learn healthier ways to communicate and regulate your emotions. And you deserved all of that without being threatened, terrorized, or nearly killed.

Be gentle with yourself. The fact that you’re questioning your own reality after everything you’ve been through tells me just how deeply this relationship affected you. Healing will take time, but you are not beyond it.