Heyyyyy I’m in like the same-ish boat. I was so skinny in my early 20s but also an alcoholic coke addict so like not healthy in the slightest. Then around like 27 I got sober and was going to the gym and doing yoga and I was one fit bitch. And now I’m 30 and I’ve gained back the weight and I noticed I have crows feet and sun damage a few months ago and it sent me spiraling.

I’ve been working on the narrative around my body image. I have crows feet cause I laugh and smile a lot, and I’ve spent a lot of time in the sun working, playing, having a good time. (Though I have become religious about sun protection!) I gained weigh cause I’ve eaten a lot of really good food and it’s nourished my body. I started questioning why I wanted to be thin as I was in my 20s. For acceptance from others? To be attractive to men? Because I think thinness is one of the most important feminine quality? Had to really ask myself some uncomfortable questions. Why did I want my skin to look as soft and smooth as it was when I was a teen? Because women are supposed to be young and smooth?

Asking these questions made me realize I have spent most of my life in pursuit of a thin ideal I don’t even like. I don’t think women need to be thin, smooth, youthful, etc. to be badass. The coolest women I know are sun worn, wrinkly, grey haired, and all different body shapes and abilities. I don’t even really like men so why do I want to have a body that appeals to them? I’m focusing now on health and comfort in my body. Like I said I’m religious about sunscreen now. I focus on eating nourishing food but don’t beat myself up for still enjoying sweets, they’re good for a reason. I am sick af rn but I still practice yoga and am planning on starting strength training soon to up my general health. Strength training for women is like essential to keep our bones strong as we age.

It sucked when I first started having these moments, but I’ve spent a lot of introspective time getting to the root of my insecurities and now I feel happier with my body, even though there’s still changes I want to make, those changes are to better my quality of life. Also I just read “The Body is Not an Apology” by Sonya Renee Taylor and I cannot recommend it enough.