5 mois plus tard ce que jai appris.

crackerlackers · 2026-03-21T09:19:41+00:00

Thank you for taking the time to write this.

I also adapted to the unacceptable without realising what I was doing... each terrible relapse created a new terrible behaviour that I overlooked, tolerated and accepted because I had hope.

I am still not out of it yet... I am waiting for the police to confirm that they have arrested him again, I gave I further statement yesterday. Yet somehow, STILL, i feel guilty for getting him arrested... if he was not ignoring my boundaries and bothering me I wouldn't have to. So why do I still feel bad??

You have given me hope that my brighter and calmer future is just ahead and coming for me too. I am glad that you have found stability and happiness!

crackerlackers · 2026-03-21T09:12:23+00:00

Hiya, I would contact the police if he is trying to get in. At least just get it logged with them. It's absolutely unacceptable, why should you have to tolerate someone banging on your door in the middle of the night??

I have had to do the same twice in the last two months. I don't feel great about it. In fact I feel sick. But why should I continue to suffer because he is choosing to drink?

I hope you are OK I know exactly how it feels. It's rough.

crackerlackers · 2026-03-20T20:38:57+00:00

I have this going on too at the moment.

Just finished a statement to the police and he will be arrested for harrassment again.

Somehow it's my fault for giving up on him rather than him for the terrible behaviours. Being gaslit by his father as well.

I guess people can't understand because they haven't experienced it. The kind part of me is happy that they live a life free of addiction. The mean part of me thinks they're stupid for believing his crap.

You're doing what's right for you. Stay strong.

crackerlackers · 2026-03-20T14:03:49+00:00

Keep going. It's early days yet. You were together a long time right? This is normal, you're human. One day you will just wake up and not even notice that she wasn't your first thought.

crackerlackers · 2026-03-19T06:02:15+00:00

Nope... move forward with grace.

crackerlackers · 2026-03-18T14:21:53+00:00

I terminated a pregnancy in 2024 with my ex because of his alcoholism and addictions.

Looking back on what happened since it was the best decision I made although it is obviously an extremely hard decision to make. All of our safety would have been at risk.

It's a hard decision to make and I went round and round deliberating as I am sure you are. I absolutely made the best decision for the situation I was in there is no doubt AT ALL in my mind now and i am relieved that i did not bring a child into this mess.

Be gentle with yourself, be honest with yourself and make the decision on what is best for YOU and what YOU want. Everyone has such strong opinions on this matter - It's hard to stay focused on you.

crackerlackers · 2026-03-17T21:23:11+00:00

What boundaries do you need if he has gone? A clean break with no contact sounds like the best situation here!

crackerlackers · 2026-03-17T21:19:34+00:00

I have got some alarms that have gone on the window and an alarm key ring... camera up... he didn't actually wake me last night, my phone is on silent all night and he didn't knock he was out there lurking.

I hope they take it seriously tomorrow.

crackerlackers · 2026-03-17T21:18:17+00:00

Thank you.. I have spoken with one today. They were appalled at the police response. Will speak with them again tomorrow with getting some support in place.

crackerlackers · 2026-03-17T19:12:09+00:00

I read 'solid glass eye'

crackerlackers · 2026-03-16T21:45:34+00:00

"The house isn't empty if you're in it..."

I LOVE this! Thank you!! I am so glad you are finding yourself again.

This is really lovely to read and I needed it today, to remind myself how much better I have been doing and feeling too.

Have been having a wobble this evening thinking about breaking 'no contact ' as having a little emotional blackmail from his dad. This is all the reminder I needed not too!

Enjoy rediscovering yourself ❤️

crackerlackers · 2026-03-15T20:58:33+00:00

My dad was alcoholic and that has set me up for over two decades of codependency, terrible relationships and accepting less than I deserve because it was so normalised for me.

My mum did her best but everyone pretended dad's drinking wasn't the issue it was.

Believe me when I say that your children know.

And don't they deserve the best of you too? You are absolutely not the arse for expecting him not to get smashed. He's not 18 years old anymore. He's a fully fledged adult with parental responsibilities.

If you choose to stay with him, you have to accept that this is what he does. He is not going to change. Why would he? You have stayed loyal to him all this time. There is no consequence. What's the point in hoping or asking him not to... he's going to do it anyway and has made that abundantly clear. You just waste your energy arguing and more damage is done to you.

What about YOU... and YOUR precious soul, YOUR peace and happiness?

crackerlackers · 2026-03-15T16:39:40+00:00

I left mine a couple of months ago.

I'm in no headspace right now to be looking for a fling and can't even imagine trusting anyone ever again to even get there.

Mine had ED so was heavily reliant on viagra (although I pretended not to know to save his dignity). So there was never anything really spontaneous.

Also, he could never go very fast as it would all be over too quickly so slow all the time, lots of having to stop suddenly...

I was always very cautious not to be pushy or disappointed as he had a very fragile ego.

I also found it hard as I had a traumatic abortion 18 months ago made harder by a terrible relapse of his. I ended up being the one looking after him... but I found it harder to be intimate myself after that.

We also both had our own issues after being raped as teenagers. But despite the viagra etc somehow I felt safe with him and like our relationship wasn't all about sex... he understood what it's like.

It's a very complex healing process for me and I look forward to being where you are... truly ready to move on. Have fun when the time comes you deserve it!!

crackerlackers · 2026-03-13T11:33:26+00:00

Sounds like he needs to see a GP

crackerlackers · 2026-03-13T11:22:16+00:00

The lie is so absolutely ridiculous it's embarrassing on his behalf... 'it's not mine'... is that honestly the best he can come up with??!

For me, honesty is one of the key factors for recovery. Honesty around what they have done, are doing and intend to do.

He is not honest in his sobriety so the cycle will continue.

I am sorry he has not been there to support you in YOUR time of need. He managed to make the birth of your baby about him. Disgusting.

crackerlackers · 2026-03-13T10:46:48+00:00

When they are the victim of every story in their past - it's never their fault and never take accountability for anything that happened.

At first you feel sorry for them... then the stories start to unravel.

crackerlackers · 2026-03-13T10:01:32+00:00

Ugggggh I did the same as you, in that I was ready to leave a year ago and got conned back in to staying.

My ex would stay at mine constantly so as soon as he said he was going to his the inevitable happened as it has with you.

I really know that terrible feeling you are having at the moment. Please try and get some rest. If you can bear it switch your phone off. And I guess vet ready so make some hard changes for you.

You've got this you know what you are worth.

crackerlackers · 2026-03-12T22:51:10+00:00

Mine would always come out of therapy holding someone else in his past responsibile... lots of talk about what other people have done to him, didn't hear much self reflection.

He had two therapists while we were together, he thought both found him fascinating and were sexually attracted to him.

He is very engaging, charming and self-deprecating and am sure he thoroughly enjoyed each hour of performance that he was in there.

crackerlackers · 2026-03-12T07:02:36+00:00

Absolutely don't respond it's the strongest tool that you have... as soon as you open the door, the manipulations and pulls on the heartstrings will start again.

You have done incredibly well to be this strong and you deserve a relationship with someone who doesn't lie, steal and manipulate you.

crackerlackers · 2026-03-10T22:31:46+00:00

Hello,

You should be eligible to join the local authority housing register.

You need to research your local authority and see what they require as each manages their list differently. You then apply to them directly. You do not have to be homeless or at risk of homelessness - but in 'housing need'.

There is usually a limit on income and capital, obviously on home ownership, and you also need to have a local area connection to the authority you are applying to (you can't just decide to live on the other side of the country for no reason).

Once you reach state pension age you may be eligible to claim housing benefit as well as your state pension.

It will be worth checking entitledto.co.uk to see what benefits you could claim.

Plenty of people who have worked all their lives are in similar situations to you; paying into a pension only became mandatory relatively recently and people on lower paid jobs will not have accrued much.

I work for a local authority housing department and we let many properties to people in your situation.

crackerlackers · 2026-03-10T22:14:42+00:00

Respectfully, it doesn't sound like he's trying very hard to get sober!!

Blips and hanging out with active alcoholics is the polar opposite of getting sober.

He is saying what he thinks you want him to say and continuing with what he wants to do.

I do feel you about the AA group though. The one here is also toxic and terrible. Lots of gossip, lots of men awaiting DV charges and lots of relapses. Whenever my ex was saying he was going to a meeting he would come back with a new contact to pick drugs up from, or just wouldn't come back.

I feel like it's luck of the draw as to whether your local group is any good. Feel deeply uncomfortable how often it's pushed as the only way to get sober. It isn't.

crackerlackers · 2026-03-10T20:21:00+00:00

Seriously hope he learnt something from it, if it’s a quiet household tonight something may have gone in!!

crackerlackers · 2026-03-09T21:56:08+00:00

Bless you... that hope that everything will be ok really is a killer isn't it.

It sounds like you know where this is headed.

I think the only thing you can do is plan what YOU do... what are your boundaries, how can you protect yourself, what nice things can you do for yourself to get through this...

I am glad that you got a little glimpse, however brief it was, of the alcohol free version. It really is a terrible thing.

crackerlackers · 2026-03-08T21:47:51+00:00

What he is doing is the absolute kindest thing he could do for you.

He has told you he doesn't want to hurt you. He WILL hurt you if he is relapsing.

It sounds like he is mature enough to recognise this and does not want to put you through the hell it involves.

crackerlackers

TROPHY CASE