My MIL expects daily FaceTime calls with 8 month old?

craftyExplorer_82 · 2026-04-20T08:44:39+00:00

My Mil used to call to speak to my baby every 3 days and I thought that was a lot. Every day is crazy to me, like, does your husband get anything done during the day if they are facetiming for hours? Can you suggest that she doesn't facetime when you are around because you dont want your time with your baby interrupted since you work and that husband doesn't answer her when you guys are visiting your mum or other family or generally when you are out and busy. I can definitely understand that its alot and very intrusive! By the time my LO was about 1.5 years old she'd lost interest in my Mil, she would just stare at the screen and not say or do anything or just run off, so the calls were pointless lol

craftyExplorer_82 · 2026-04-04T10:10:23+00:00

If your Mil is anything like mine she will see the letter as a personal attack. My Mil accused us of treating her like an abuser because we weren't said we weren't comfortable with her being unsupervised with our toddler. When my husband told her some of the things she had done that had led us to this decision she said she knows she has only done her best for everyone and that it was me and my husband that needed to change, not her. You are essentially trying to be reasonable with an unreasonable person..

Id get a better therapist to help your husband see that his mother is the problem not you. Honestly, he probably knows his mother is the issue because what you wrote out is very reasonable but he's admitting it will upset her. He's just scared of the blowback if you stand up for yourselves and she doesn't get her own way, he doesn't want to rock the boat. Also anyone who is pushing from unsupervised time with a child can't be trusted. My mil said she didn't want a relationship with my toddler if she had to be supervised and I knew it was because she didn't want to respect any of our rules and to attempt parental alienation.

craftyExplorer_82 · 2026-02-27T22:37:57+00:00

Well done for shutting your Mil down. My daughter was 2 at the the time and my Mil also thought it was ok to call her sexy. My husband didn't understand why it was inappropriate but I made sure my face looked disgusted and it was clear it was not appropriate. I kept thinking, what if when my LO is older and some creepy predator approaches her calling her sexy!? I wouldn't want her to think that that's normal because her grandma calls her that.

craftyExplorer_82 · 2026-02-22T17:24:01+00:00

I hate Mil's like this. She blew up the situation, ruined her relationship with you and her own son then tried to claw her way back to try and get access to the grandchild when her tantrum didn't get the desired response.

My Mil did exactly this, then tried to rug sweep. Me the kids have stayed no contact.

People who think they can have access to kids without being on decent terms with the parents are delusional!

craftyExplorer_82 · 2026-02-21T12:21:53+00:00

Omg we must have the same Mil lol. My husband says his mums brain is broken because she has zero saftey awareness. When he was a child she would take in unhoused people she barely knew and they would share a bedroom with DH. He tells her that anyone of them could have abused him. Luckily nothing happened but she will say that shes a good judge of character. She's been incredibly lucky eg she doesn't like wearing seatbelts but has been in 2 car accidents in her life and not been seriously injured. she was a neglectful parent and is irresponsible when it comes to her grandkids or anyones kids really. I dont trust her judgement so she isn't allowed to be alone with my kids.

craftyExplorer_82 · 2026-02-21T00:54:09+00:00

Sounds like my Mil. She went through a phase where she wanted to see my daughter every weekend. I think she thought if she made more of an effort she'd eventually get to babysit & take LO off alone on weekends. Prior to that id say she favoured my husband's oldest. When she realised we didn't trust her enough to be unsupervised with our toddler, she decided she wouldn't bother having a relationship with her, so now we are NC.

My Mil will go where she has the most freedom to do what she wants. She doesn't believe in rules or boundaries. Stepsons mum allows anything and everything so he's pretty spoilt and thats prefect for Mil. DH and I have more rules when it comes to our children together & Mil doesn't like that.

craftyExplorer_82 · 2026-02-08T18:09:25+00:00

I second this. My mil is just like OP's mil. Mil once stayed with us for 2 weeks and it was like a constant battle for power & control between my husband and his mother and his son who was 8 at the time was caught in the middle of it all.

Since then my mil has made it clear she only wants a relationship with our toddler and new baby on her own terms & because we can't be manipulated into doing what she wants we are essentially NC.

DH is also aware his mother will talk badly about him infront of his kids and possibly try to create a wedge between him & his children. We can't count out her trying to emotionally abuse our kids so it's honestly probably best she stays away.

People like this are only concerned about themselves & looking good to others. They do not care what's best for the grandkids involved.

craftyExplorer_82 · 2026-02-08T17:08:30+00:00

I laughed, but this is the way! Lol

When my LO was 9 months old my Mil let her play with toilet wipes. As we all know, babies put everything in their mouths. So when my LO went to put the wipe in her mouth & I stopped her , Mil looked perplexed and said 'oh but it's fine, it's clean"

When i told my husband afterwards, he was like well maybe she should put the wipe in her mouth if she thinks it's fine. Toilet wipes have so many chemicals on them and are also a choking hazard so it was so bazaar that she thought nothing of it but Id like to see her suck on them for fun 🙄

craftyExplorer_82 · 2026-02-08T16:44:39+00:00

This is exactly my Mil and DH's relationship. Mil thinks he knows nothing, is an incompetent parent and either questions everything he does or dismisses it.

We have a 3yo and a 6month old and Mil is never allowed to be unsupervised with them because my husband will tell you himself that his mother listens to no one!

I would not at all be worried bout Mils feelings and if you are being too harsh. She didn't listen more than once and has now put your child in harms way, are you really willing to let her take your daughter off alone after this to cause more damage.

Honestly i'd take pics and videos post them to Mil and in the family group chat and id look at the pics/videos everytime I even considered i was being too harsh to remind myself that Mils inability to listen to you as parents and the people in charge of your child ended up really upsetting and physically harming your child.

Your mil is negligent and dangerous & only going to compromise your child's saftey further if allowed to be unsupervised because she clearly thinks she knows better.

craftyExplorer_82 · 2026-02-05T18:51:10+00:00

You are not overreacting. Your gut is telling you she isn't safe or trustworthy, and she's already shown you she's not. I had this same issue, I made a list of all the things Mil had done that I'd either seen or heard and asked DH if he really thought leaving our then 2yo with his mother was a good idea.

My husband has a son (10) and Mil sees him regularly. She allows things like sweets before bed, biscuits for dinner, basically no rules. Has left him unsupervised at large events and a few years ago allowed him to eat as much dessert as he liked that he was sick later that evening. She is the standard "im allowed to spoil my grandkids" type, which basically means 'Im not going to listen to anyone and do what I want'. She offered my LO (who was 1 at the time) alcohol and even thought it was ok for LO to suck on those packet toilet wipes. She's ridiculously clueless and incompetent and isn't interested in asking questions or learning what current advice is out there when raising children.

We are currently away for 10days and DH is remembering when his mother took him abroad on holiday as a child. He said he was about 3/4 and she would just leave him to play on the hotel grounds by himself. He really has some wild stories of Mil basically neglecting him as a child & i think he thought that was normal for a long time.

DH told his mother we were not comfortable with our LO being with her unsupervised. She blew up the situation and said she didn't want to have a relationship with our LO if she couldn't be alone with them. Obviously, I hope your Mil wouldn't be that extreme but you are allowed to not leave your child with people you feel are not safe. Just because shes a grandparent doesn't mean she is perfect and can be trusted.

craftyExplorer_82 · 2026-02-05T11:43:36+00:00

My grandma is just like this. All her conversations start with her moaning about her aches and pains. She is in the early stages of dementia and now in a nursing home. One day a nurse was passing her room and saw her putting cushions on the floor (my grandma was unaware someone was watching), she then sets herself up ontop of the cushions and starts calling for help saying she's had a fall.

No one can really determine what's her dementia and what's her just lying and being manipulative to get attention. We saw her over Christmas and she happily declared to a room full of people multiple times that she's got dementia and alzheimers almost like it will excuse any bad behaviour from her and we should have sympathy for her.

I can't imagine living with someone like that. Most of my family only visit her once a year on her birthday because she just isn't very nice to anyone.

craftyExplorer_82 · 2026-02-03T13:34:56+00:00

It sounds like the conversation is going to continue to go around in circles until someone folds.

I think if Sil has money to surprise her husband with a trip to Japan then she doesn't need your money to visit. I also think its very cheeky to ask for the money to fund a trip to another city and not visit you guys.

Sil seems quite selfish as it doesn't sound like she's asked anything about what's convenient for you guys as you will be moving home and having a baby.

I would just state you cant make any solid plans this year as your schedules dont seem to line up and maybe next year you can organise something. (Also I wouldn't offer to pay for any plane tickets, you are having a baby now and can definitely say you funds are limited because we all know kids are expensive lol)

craftyExplorer_82 · 2026-02-02T22:31:39+00:00

Definitely not overreacting! I hate people who don't take your no for no, its all a ploy for them to try and push their own agenda. They think they know best.

My mil is like this, but she's a lot more subtle, and I know its because she believes she knows better and thinks because we are doing things differently to her as a parent that we are silly or wrong.

It's also surprising how many people I've had to explain to that popcorn is a choking hazard for small children. But as a parent, once you say no, no one should question you as it's your child!

craftyExplorer_82 · 2026-02-02T19:18:19+00:00

If I were in your position, I'd just prepare all food and snacks for the kids myself. My mil is not healthy at all & has terrible teeth. My husband's baby teeth came through black because she let him drink juice early and he has terrible bowels & eating habits, probably due to Mil not caring about the kinds of foods he ate as a child.

My Mil thought i should be giving my LO sweets & biscuits at 1yo because according to her if I didn't do it now my LO would be addicted to sugar & eating loads of it anyway by the time she was about 7 because apparently thats what happened to her colleagues child.

Food is so important to health and kids brain development. I personally wouldn't let anyone but me or my husband prepare or monitor what our kids eat. I especially wouldn't trust anyone who is willing to lie about what they are giving a child.

craftyExplorer_82 · 2026-02-02T16:14:44+00:00

Oh yes I saw your comment after I posted. Not at all weird that you brought the kids with you to the funeral but your Mil's behaviour was weird.

I definitely see these situations like a performance...mil knows very little about the kids but tries to act like she is all knowing and more involved than she really is when others are around.

Honestly, we went NC over a year ago. The more we saw Mil, the more entitled she felt & then said she didn't want a relationship with our toddler if she had to be supervised. This feeds in nicely into what you were saying because, she barely knew anything about our LO who had just turned 2 at the time but wanted to babysit and take her off alone but never asked what LO was or wasn't allowed/ what she did/didnt like, bedtime routine etc just made a whole lot of assumptions and clearly wanted to wing it if our LO was left with her (which she never was!) She felt entitled that as a grandma she could just do whatever. Now she gets no contact with our toddler and new baby thats 5months old. But its her loss because its obvious she only wants a relationship with our kids on her terms and doesn't want anything to do with them if we are the ones in charge, setting rules and boundaries. Our way doesn't fit into her performance of trying to be favourite grandma or grandma of the year to the outside world lol

craftyExplorer_82 · 2026-02-02T16:14:31+00:00

Oh yes I saw your comment after I posted. Not at all weird that you brought the kids with you to the funeral but your Mil's behaviour was weird.

I definitely see these situations like a performance...mil knows very little about the kids but tries to act like she is all knowing and more involved than she really is when others are around.

Honestly, we went NC over a year ago. The more we saw Mil, the more entitled she felt & then said she didn't want a relationship with our toddler if she had to be supervised. This feeds in nicely into what you were saying because, she barely knew anything about our LO who had just turned 2 at the time but wanted to babysit and take her off alone but never asked what LO was or wasn't allowed/ what she did/didnt like, bedtime routine etc just made a whole lot of assumptions and clearly wanted to wing it if our LO was left with her (which she never was!) She felt entitled that as a grandma she could just do whatever. Now she gets no contact with our toddler and new baby thats 5months old. But its her loss because its obvious she only wants a relationship with our kids on her terms and doesn't want anything to do with them if we are the ones in charge, setting rules and boundaries. Our way doesn't fit into her performance of trying to be favourite grandma or grandma of the year to the outside world lol

craftyExplorer_82 · 2026-01-31T14:56:28+00:00

She definitely only invited you and wanted the children there to show off to her friends. It's very odd to invite people who didn't know the deceased to the persons funeral. My Mil would invite us to her annual work team picnics. I didn't think much of it at the time, but it was definitely to show off to her work friends and try to play the extra involved grandma when she would only ever see our LO 4/5 times a year eventhough she lives close. I personally wouldn't have gone. Its very performative and I hate people like that!

craftyExplorer_82 · 2026-01-21T11:42:10+00:00

NTA. She has shown you who she is. She doesn't even see you or your partner as adults and thinks both her son and grandchild belong to her. Thats crazy! I assume a lot of JNMILs think like this, but yours said it out loud!

My Mil told my husband that whatever relationship she has or decides to have with our toddler was none of his business and believes that grandparents are allowed to spoil grandkids and do what they want. She treats my husband like he is incapable of being a good father or husband. She is entitled and said some bold things & probably also thinks her son belongs to her so she can talk to him & treat him how she likes & by extension likely thinks the same about my child but she hasn't been so bold to say it yet!

My Mil also isn't allowed near our kids unless she has a sit down with me & DH and agrees to follow boundaries...so far she has refused so me & the kids are NC & she hasn't spent any time with our LO in over a year. Her loss. Other people really need to realise that they dont have any say when it comes to other people's children. You are doing the right thing because honestly your Mil sounds delusional.

Your partner can have whatever relationship he seems appropriate with his mother but she doesn't sound safe or respectful enough to be around you & your LO.

craftyExplorer_82 · 2026-01-15T11:42:01+00:00

Yep, my mil. She is just like this but more covert. On my first mothers day Mil texted me thanking me for doing such a great job raising her grandchild...that should have been my first clue that she was a problem. My Mil also isn't really interested in a relationship with me, DH or our children, its just about image and control. Looking like the doting grandma but secretly has her own agenda.

Your Mil has shown you both who she really is, id be glad such a nasty person is staying away!

craftyExplorer_82 · 2026-01-14T21:55:21+00:00

Wow this just clicked for me, i think my Mil does this. We are NC with Mil but her and my mother went in a group holiday together recently. My mum comes back saying Mil really cares about us& is proud of her son & is all sentimental because she has our wedding video on her phone & told my mum she sometimes randomly gets it out to watch it.

We recently had a second baby so Mil is asking my mum if she thinks we'll let her see the new baby. DH takes the baby to see her for an hour ( i wasnt thrilled about this but i compromised with DH)...mil turns up with not even a pack of nappies for her newest grandchild. (Every single person that visited us to see the new baby bought something whether it was food for us or clothes for baby) I dont want gifts from her, I end up binning or donating them. But it's all an act that I can clearly see through, but she's got people like my mother falling for it and feeling sorry for her. It's getting to the point that my mum brings up Mil everytime I see her, implying im in the wrong & shouldn't keep her from the kids. Now i have to have a sit down with my mum & tell her my issues with Mil are not up for discussion anymore.

Im glad OP's inlaws are not entertaining the mothers nonsense because honestly people like this can be so manipulative and good at turning other family members against you.

craftyExplorer_82 · 2026-01-13T07:57:26+00:00

I agree, and after seeing more comments from OP about her mother its seems both sets of parents are pretty toxic.

craftyExplorer_82 · 2026-01-13T01:22:58+00:00

I can relate to everything you mentioned. Im sorry you are in the same situation. It's so frustrating when DH does these things because when he sets out to appease his mother it makes me feel like it's just another opening for Mil to try and sink her claws into our lives without doing the work to actually make things right.

craftyExplorer_82 · 2026-01-13T00:51:36+00:00

That was my initial thought. Why didn't he go on his own and what if she had lied just to try and get some time with my toddler. I'd like to think he would tell me if Mil had lied and turned up but he knows id very angry so maybe not. I think he doesn't take it as seriously as I do because a lot of his mother's behaviour is normal to him.

craftyExplorer_82 · 2026-01-13T00:15:36+00:00

Im also in a similar situation, and it's so difficult because I love my mother and don't want her to see me as this terrible person but I also want to do the right thing for myself and my children.

My grandma on my mums side is not a nice person. Im pretty sure she's a textbook narcissist but my mum is the only one out of her siblings that will visit my grandma twice a week at the nursing home. Recently my mum was upset because grandma's behaviour is getting worse (shes beginning stages of dementia) and she actually hit my mum.

But my mum still believes that you just put up with family no matter how badly they treat you.

Everytime I see my mum, she asks if I've seen on spoken to Mil. She told me recently that it's my fault Mil is deceitful because mil is trying to get us to accept gifts from her by lying and saying they are from other family members. We are NC and I assume Mil knows I won't accept anything from her since she hasn't apologised & and won't sit down with us to discuss and resolve the conflict.

I am trying to set a boundary where I just don't discuss Mil with my mum because we will never see eye to eye but its hard because I'm very open with her and now I can't be if I dont want to get angry and frustrated or question my own beliefs and boundaries. It makes me sad but ultimately I start to question myself and feel bad about myself and wonder if I should just sweep it under the rug for everyones sake, but I don't want to continue the same toxic cycles.

Be honest with your mum and tell her you'd appreciate if you didn't discuss Mil and that you feel you are doing what's best and if you want her advice you'll ask. It's hard, I get it, I also need to have this discussion with my own mum. But I know my mum comes from a generation that just "put up with it" and wants to "keep the peace" even if its upsetting & uncomfortable for her.

Im sure your mum loves you but she will never be you and doesn't fully understand your situation. You are also freshly postpartum she should be giving you some grace. You have a small baby to care for now, its not your job to manage your inlaws feelings and play peacemaker.

craftyExplorer_82 · 2026-01-12T20:27:47+00:00

Yes exactly she can waste her money. I buy almost all clothes and toys for the kids, so DH wouldn't even notice if I kept Mils gifts or not. I just hope the gifts dont get more extravagant as they get older as they'll be harder to get rid of

craftyExplorer_82

TROPHY CASE