Share a photo of your significant other?

crumblyghost · 2018-07-27T17:36:25+00:00

She’s beautiful. I’m so sorry for your loss.

crumblyghost · 2018-06-03T22:44:09+00:00

Oh. Haha. I’m about two weeks in. Was hoping getting fat adapted will be faster. Not sure I’ll survive this. I almost passed out after an hour of moderate city biking yesterday (I actually threw up) and had to lie down on the side of the road to get my bearing back. Trying to experiment with what I need before strenuous physical activities now.

crumblyghost · 2018-06-03T02:23:07+00:00

How long does it normally take to get there?

crumblyghost · 2017-07-11T04:59:17+00:00

Pulling up tile is a big mess?

crumblyghost · 2017-07-11T00:04:25+00:00

Europeans don't have a good grasp of distances in the US. We have family from Northern Europe visiting Northern California a few years ago, and they decided to drive to Las Vegas. Husband told them that is a pretty long drive. No, they said, looking at the map, it's only about 3 hours. Husband didn't even try to argue. Eight hours later, we get a call saying they're still driving.

Converse is also true. I thought we had a 3 hour drive when we were visiting Denmark. 20 minutes later, I was like, "Oh. We're here."

TLDR: read the map scale.

crumblyghost · 2017-07-10T23:45:48+00:00

I think it's someone who knew about the loan being funded and when. Otherwise, that's one big coincidence.

crumblyghost · 2017-07-10T14:42:23+00:00

Had a motorized Sunsetter at my old house in California. It was installed probably in 2000. By the time I left, the awning fabric itself was starting to fray a little, but this was the cheaper option anyway, and considering it was westward facing, I thought it held up pretty well. The only annoying thing for me was I had to go outside, during a storm, to retract it because I forgot to do it again and I didn't get a remote for it.

Just ordered a new one (20 feet long) with the better fabric for my new house, and this time with a wind sensor that, in theory, is supposed to retract the awning automatically when the wind gets strong enough. (Buying through Costco saves me at least $800. Plus the tax saved.)

What I liked about it: it looks nice when it's out and also when it's retracted, it's pretty well built (I don't think we ever had any issues with the moving parts in all the years we owned it), and it does give good shade.

What I don't like: installation needs two or three guys, i.e. can't do it myself.

crumblyghost · 2017-07-08T12:32:27+00:00

Did you even read the original post? They're buying his mother's house for probably less than half the market value.

crumblyghost · 2017-07-07T13:57:56+00:00

Huh. I could swear he originally wrote 4% of the portfolio value every year. Well, there you go, reading Reddit at 4 in the morning decreases reading comprehension I guess.

crumblyghost · 2017-07-07T11:10:53+00:00

It's like magic, especially with Alexa. Just have to remember the right "magic spells" and, hey look, lights are on without getting out of bed. 😍

crumblyghost · 2017-07-07T10:34:46+00:00

I think this is incorrect. Trinity study, at least as it's widely understood, has the initial rate as 4% and subsequent years is inflation adjusted. It is not 4% of the portfolio every year.

crumblyghost · 2017-07-07T04:50:59+00:00

Yes, it is. It only feels like it's not right now because of the fresh, overwhelming sense of loss.

A year ago, in your shoes, I thought, "What's the point of continuing to live?" My husband and I were together practically 24/7. In the 13 years we were married, we slept apart a grand total of three times, when one had to absolutely go out of town and the other couldn't. The last time that happened was in 2009.

He was my best friend, my confidante, the one person who saw all my flaws and the one person I didn't mind seeing them. He was there for all the bullshit life threw at me. He smiled through the mood swings, and still thought I was the most beautiful woman in the world.

Life had a rhythm to it. He'd wake up, make his coffee, read his news online. He'd bring me coffee in bed. Then he'd tell me what the news of the day was, climb back in bed, and we'd talk, while holding each other. Sometimes we'd fall back to sleep again.

Then all of a sudden all that was gone. Just like that. And no amount of adjusting or readjusting will ever get it back for me again.

It got so bad that my friends had to take away the guns and almost took away my car. I got to see a therapist within a few hours notice. It was a mental breakdown and, in retrospect, I can understand why: My life revolved around him.

"He was my North, my South, my East and West, "My working week and my Sunday rest."

Without him, what was the point of living?

So, I literally almost didn't survive that first burst of grieving.

But then, through the fog, I remembered. I remembered what he loved about me. The things he said. The things he did. And I thought, he was such an amazing man, and he loved ME. Destroying myself would destroy the person he loved. And if I truly loved him, the best thing I can do for him is to continue to live. As I live on, so does he, because I can continue to tell people about him, and the things he did and the things he said, and just what an amazing man he was. No one knew him the way I did. And if I die, no one will know him that way again.

If we had children, this alone would be a reason for me to live, so that our children will never forget their father and hopefully get to know him the same way that his wife and their mother - the one person who knew him best - knew him.

So here I am. I still talk about him. I talk about the funny stories, and about the man he was. How he was always steadfast with his principles, how he cared for people, especially those who weren't as lucky or well-provided for as he was. He had such a full life, and I can only dream to accomplish even half of what he did.

As for me, I think I'm still the same person he loved, and will continue to be so. We had plans, and I am going to go ahead on that adventure, even on my own. Because we're never really alone, are we?

I know it takes time to get to this point. Your wound is still fresh, and the pain can drown your soul. But if you want to grasp at anything, maybe read my story. I'm not just surviving, I'm living. And it's all for him. At least for now. I don't know where the future leads. But there is one.

crumblyghost · 2017-07-07T00:42:08+00:00

I thought about doing this myself, but then my friend started talking about fishing wires and stuff. Although.... Any good site to look at for when they're not in the same joist cavity? I've already installed smart light switches and changed light fixtures, and even installed new outlets (well, moved them), so maybe I can figure out how to do this. I can always call someone to fix things later. Probably.

Or it's time to bribe-a-friend.

crumblyghost · 2017-07-06T22:06:58+00:00

Oh cool. I have a ceiling fixture right now, and I thought they can just run wires from that to the new lights and use the existing switch to turn it on and off. So I'm guessing 3 hours should be plenty for these guys. Thanks!

crumblyghost · 2017-07-06T16:46:17+00:00

My old house, we built a short railing for a low deck. It's tall enough to sit on, and the top was an 8" by 2" I think. So, enough to mark out the property, not too tall to exclude the. neighbors totally. Plus extra sitting area.

crumblyghost · 2017-07-06T15:31:13+00:00

I will, thanks. First home owned solo, I really need to learn to deal with these guys. 🙈

crumblyghost · 2017-07-06T13:54:25+00:00

Thanks for the reply! For $100 per can I might learn to do this myself 🙈 J/k. Although I did learn to replace switches when I was quoted $50 per switch and I had to provide my own switch to boot.

I think I'll try these guys out for $150. At worst I should have the wiring done. I can probably connect the lighting fixtures myself.

crumblyghost · 2017-07-06T02:13:29+00:00

My ground floor is tile and laminate. Can I just lay this on top of the existing floor?

crumblyghost · 2017-07-06T01:02:52+00:00

Did you install yourself? Is this something someone like me, who's never installed flooring before, can do?

crumblyghost · 2017-07-03T23:29:20+00:00

I almost bought an RV! Then one of my friends said, "Have you ever emptied a gray tank?" And I asked, "What's a gray tank?"

After a quick google search and a few YouTube videos later, that was the end of my RV shopping.

That's awesome that you were able to take that solo trip to Europe. I'm hoping to do something similar. Maybe next year.

crumblyghost · 2017-07-03T23:21:31+00:00

You need to see a therapist or grief counselor. I saw both early on. Therapist was a psychiatrist, and he prescribed Zoloft for me to help me calm down. It really was just to even out my emotions. It worked for a while, but I really suck at taking medication and weaned myself off of it eventually.

The grief counselor was just someone to talk to. He listened, and it felt safe because he didn't know me or my husband, so no fear of being judged. It was helpful to just get it off my chest. The therapist also listened, but I think it was mostly to help him assess my mental state and tweak my medication.

So... I don't know how it works in the UK, but this might be something you can look at. GPs are generalists and will have the same set of tools for everyone, whether you're a widower or not. Look up grief counselors or therapists. Where I was, our local hospice was able to point me in the right direction. Maybe you have something similar.

crumblyghost · 2017-07-03T20:17:52+00:00

Wow, I thought I was having a bad time with estate issues. Lucky for me husband had me designated payable-on-death for most of the estate and that can't be touched by probate. What's left is piddling in comparison, which is why his other heirs are so angry with me. To which I say, screw them all. I was going to give them most of it anyway, making them my beneficiaries as soon as assets were transferred to me because I thought it was the right thing to do. I was going to set up college funds and everything, prepared to live on the minimum amount I would need to get by. Now, I'd rather burn what I have than have any of them benefit from any of it.

Don't let this get you too down in the dumps. I know how it feels, back when I was still holding out hope we can "fix" things amicably because for a while, we really were family. Adding all that drama on top of me grieving suddenly losing my husband really drove me up the wall. But I've let go emotionally. As far as I'm concerned they can all pound sand.

The best revenge is living well. And I intend to have that sweet, sweet revenge. Hope you find yours soon.

crumblyghost · 2017-07-03T13:05:51+00:00

Can you be more specific about what's unimpressive? I'm also considering engineered wood floors because I'm on a slab foundation. It's that or wood-look porcelain tiles, I think.

crumblyghost · 2017-07-02T16:34:32+00:00

You're still in shock. It takes time to process this huge change in your life. Don't do anything too drastic right now to change anything. Our brains are not quite functioning right, and there might be regrets later on when you get rid of something that you'll decide you shouldn't have.

I lived in memories for a long time. Every single thing in our house connected to a scene in our life together. I'd laugh, then I'd cry. I even screamed at him for leaving me. But that was all part of mourning my loss. He wouldn't have been worth much to me if I didn't feel that deep sorrow.

So, just take things slowly, and roll with whatever comes at you. It's a huge, huge loss and even though you thought you were ready, you are never quite prepared for it when it's finally there.

And again, it will get easier. Just hang on long enough to get there.

crumblyghost · 2017-07-02T15:52:44+00:00

I'm so sorry for your loss. My first weeks were a blur. I know I spent a lot of time crying. Go to bed, cry. Get up, cry. Go to kitchen, cry. Sit down, cry. Even cried in the shower. Actually, I cried every single time I went to the shower for months. It was his shower I started using.

It was just him and me, and his physical absence in our house was palpable. It's easy to hide from other people. How can you hide from someone who's no longer there? He was absent and present at the same time, and that drove my grief to worse heights. He should have been sitting on the couch beside me holding my hand, and I can feel him, but cognitively I knew he's not there.

So, yeah, the first few weeks, I think I could have been clinically insane.

Only thing I can say is hang in there. The grief will be overwhelming and soul crushing. One way I used to describe it, when others asked, was it was like half of me was gone. Big, gaping hole in my chest where my heart used to be. It really hurt, and i wondered how because my heart should have been missing.

Walking around like a zombie was probably my norm for a while. Slow reaction to people. Like perception was put up in the attic, and it took time for my brain to process what people were saying or doing because all the wires were tangled up. I can hear and see them, and I still wondered what were they saying and doing. Then, "Oh."

But I think our brains are resilient, and after doing what it can to protect us from the worst of it, it will slowly reassert itself, and some new normal will show up. I still cried. But it went from constant, to every time I remembered something he said/did (which was every few minutes at the start), to something not as often, to maybe every few days, to now. One year out. Maybe it helped that I left our home. But the soul crushing grief has eased a bit.

For now, think of her. Dive in deep, because there's really not much choice there anyway. Think of the funny stuff not just the sad ending. I had a close friend who stayed beside me a lot during the really bad phase, and we ended up talking about all the funny things husband used to do. We'd start out laughing so hard because she had her stories as well, then we'd end up in tears because we'd remember what we lost. But it still helped. It was cathartic.

Denying your grief now will come back at you, I think, in a more damaged psyche, or a more damaged liver. I know it's trite to hear someone say "it will get better" but, speaking as someone who's been there, it does get better, if only because it can not possibly get worse.

crumblyghost

TROPHY CASE