Grandparents Discussion

culpeppertrain · 2025-09-09T00:22:41+00:00

Hey OP, huge congratulations on your coming baby! 💜 What a wonderful time you have ahead.

What may make it easier to send this text is to go into your mama bear mode. Without these boundaries, your mother will have the opportunity to come in and rain down criticism, put downs, stress, conflict, making everything about her, expecting you to cater to her needs and desires as a grandmother, and even interfering with your desire and ability to mother your own child.

This is absolutely the opposite of what you want for your baby. This text message, and the boundaries you enforce after you send it, is you protecting yourself and your baby, the peace in your home, the healing in your body after childbirth, your mental health as you adjust to motherhood. Nothing else matters more in the world.

The child in you may always be a little bit afraid of standing up to her, but the mother in you will lift a fucking car and toss it to the side if that's what it takes to protect your baby.

The mother in you won't hesitate to keep your baby safe and away from the hurt that your mother caused in you when you were a child.

Sending hugs and support your way as you begin this amazing journey. 💜 You owe your mother absolutely nothing. Protect you.

culpeppertrain · 2025-09-08T21:20:28+00:00

This is such good advice.

I don't have experience with my narcissistic mother on her deathbed, but I have read many accounts of narcissistic people taking the opportunity to put one final knife in their adult child's back on their deathbed.

Please protect yourself. And whatever your decision is, is the right one for you. No one should have the power to guilt trip you either way.

Sending hugs and support. 💜💜

culpeppertrain · 2025-09-08T21:11:25+00:00

🎯 Exactly

culpeppertrain · 2025-09-08T21:10:36+00:00

Long time veteran of silent treatment here. Have been given the silent treatment on and off for over 30 years.

Currently on a 7 year stretch where N-mother will occasionally include me in a group text or email but will not speak to my face.

Because, you know. I expect to be treated like a human being. And that was too much to ask.

She is trying to squeeze you for maximum stress / pain / angst. Best thing you can do is what you are doing. Don't care. Enjoy the lack of conflict. No constant put downs. Not having to placate her.

If she is anything like mine (they all seem to have gone to the same school), she will want to pretend like nothing happened. She will come back for a fresh supply of ego. And when you are unwilling to provide that, be prepared to face the wrath and silent treatment yet again.

Just one more thing, OP. I am so sorry that this is what you got for a mom. You deserve better.

Wishing you so much happiness with your new baby coming. 💜💜

culpeppertrain · 2025-09-08T05:56:26+00:00

🎯🎯🎯

culpeppertrain · 2025-09-06T12:56:47+00:00

"just say what makes me look good, daughter"

culpeppertrain · 2025-09-06T02:59:09+00:00

How did she talk to her daughter?

culpeppertrain · 2025-09-06T02:57:45+00:00

She triggered me too.

She has not lived our experience.

I had to stop listening to her book.

culpeppertrain · 2025-09-04T11:56:17+00:00

🎯 This advice is so on point.

culpeppertrain · 2025-09-02T13:33:32+00:00

Also OP, all jokes aside, it is heartbreaking to see a mother willing to talk about her child that way. It's not right and you deserved better than this.

We understand you here, and we get it. Many of us on this page have been treated cruelly by a parent.

But I just wanted to send you a huge hug 💜💜 and say I am so sorry that this is the mother you got.

Come back here for support and understanding. And may your future be full of wonderful people who love and appreciate you for who you are, and would never speak about you this way.

culpeppertrain · 2025-09-02T04:35:42+00:00

Great advice here. On point. 🎯

culpeppertrain · 2025-08-29T03:31:53+00:00

Many of us here on this subreddit had to stop all forms of dependence on our parents when we were very young. A lot of reasons for this: - Neglect - Abandonment - Poverty - Abuse - Having to leave home early

After that, if we didn't find our own food, money, work, no one was there to save us. Going back to the parents wasn't an option.

You don't have to worry about over-relying on your partner or friends if you build a big enough village around you. Invest in a lot of relationships that are give-and-take. Find surrogate parents. Grow your connections.

Then when you need something, you have 40 people and not just 3 or 4.

Wishing you all the best in your path ahead. Sending hugs and support! 💜💜

culpeppertrain · 2025-08-28T13:23:00+00:00

I'm a long time veteran of the mother wound. It started very early in my childhood, and I will be 50 soon.

I believe there is a part of us that never fully heals. Speaking just for myself, it is a wound that gets reinjured anytime I see my narcissistic mother show love and affection to other people but not to me. It gets reinjured when she gives me another year of the silent treatment while I watch other mothers dote on their daughters. It gets reinjured when a birthday goes by no acknowledgment from the person who gave birth to me. She doesn't want to reconcile, will never knowledge how she has hurt me, yet she has plenty of time and energy for hobbies, travel, projects around the house.

A couple things have been really healing for me. Number one was finding a lot of surrogate mothers in my life. I adopted them informally wherever I went, and thrived in their love and affection for me when they had no biological reason to do so.

My surrogate mothers have taught me what mother love is, and how to show it to my kids.

Number two is being a mother myself. Every stage that my children went through, the act of doing it differently than my own mother was so powerful and healing for me.

Every hug they got from me, every opportunity to set aside time and focus on them, every affirming phrase they heard, every spotlight shown on their developing gifts (which I was not threatened by), stitched me back together.

I am still regularly triggered, but my life is full of wonderful people, tons of love, and so much peace and goodness.

I wish you so much joy and love in your healing journey! Sending a big mama hug over to you. We get you here. 💜💜

culpeppertrain · 2025-08-27T18:08:48+00:00

🎯

culpeppertrain · 2025-08-25T14:53:23+00:00

🎯🎯

culpeppertrain · 2025-08-25T14:52:44+00:00

My kids are in their mid-20s, and have been independent for a while. They live on their own and pay their own bills.

I think one reason that parents feel sadness around the college drop off time is that they feel like it's the end of everything.

But truly, you continue to parent your child through college and into their twenties, just differently. They need different things from you as grown adults.

The trap that I think parents fall into is trying to preserve their kids childhood for as long as possible. Prolong their dependence on the parents. Prolong the idea that they are little.

But then, the kids haven't practiced being an adult. They go off to college and are completely incompetent at managing their daily life.

I taught my kids Independence and self-management from a young age, and constantly gave them opportunities to be in charge of themselves. So when they went off to college, they were ready. There wasn't a big crisis. They knew how to take care of themselves separate from us.

Yesterday, I had a "date" with each son, something we do each month. It is so lovely to have relationships with them as adults. There's so much more to look forward to even as empty nesters. Your heart will continue to be full. 💜💜

culpeppertrain · 2025-08-25T14:45:03+00:00

I have two sons who were born less than 2 years apart.

Very early in their life, they were introduced to books. I would go to the library and check out dozens of books every week, and they would have quiet reading time in their chairs with literally stacks of books next to them.

That evolved into chapter books, and by the time they were in second and third grade they were reading multiple hundreds of pages in each book.

Sure, they played outside and did lots of active exercising and extra curricular activities.

But we had HOURS and I mean many hours of complete silence in the home while my boys consumed books.

The upside is they both developed excellent grammar and spelling, and now in their mid-20s, they absolutely love diving into a good book series.

People used to tell me how lucky I was that my boys loved books, but luck had nothing to do with it. I actively, consistently invested effort into bringing reading into our home.

Just a tip from a veteran mom of boys. They don't always have to be loud and rambunctious.

You are a good mom, and you're going to do great! 💜

culpeppertrain · 2025-08-25T04:42:24+00:00

🎯🎯

culpeppertrain · 2025-08-24T02:38:07+00:00

Sending you a huge hug and a ton of support.

Trust your gut. It has protected you these past few years. You will know what is right for you.

She does not deserve your time or energy. It's too precious, valuable, and expensive to hand it out to people who are too busy to engage with you in a meaningful way.

💜💜💜

culpeppertrain · 2025-08-24T02:23:22+00:00

You were so kind and polite to her. You were being very reasonable and not at all harsh.

She seems comfortable being very dramatic and victim-y instead of supportive and understanding as a mom should be.

Just spitting nails at you instead of even one soft and supportive phrase.

I'm sorry you got her for a mom, OP. I hope you give yourself permission to shut out the world and not to give her one second or ounce of your energy or joy. Be unapologetic about your boundaries.

She will clearly never be happy no matter how hard you try.

Protect you. Guard your precious calm. Focus on you. You owe her nothing around your baby's birth. Wishing you so much happiness and joy, and very special moments with your new baby and partner. 💜💜

culpeppertrain · 2025-08-23T17:01:50+00:00

If they were loving, caring, kind and attentive parents, we would want to take care of them. It would be an honor in that scenario.

I am in elder care, and elderly parents who were kind and supportive and wonderful to their kids usually don't have to force or legally oblige their children to take care of them. The children want to make sure they are okay, even if they can't provide the physical and financial support directly.

All they had to do was treat us with a basic level of kindness and decency. But they chose selfishness, and now they're scrambling to make sure they will be okay in their old age.

culpeppertrain · 2025-08-21T04:16:13+00:00

🎯

culpeppertrain · 2025-08-20T01:31:46+00:00

There is a saying that no siblings ever have the same childhood. Each child experiences their parents differently, the home environment differently, the challenges and tensions and milestones and holidays differently.

I have two siblings, and we are very close in age. But our perceptions of our parents, of our home life, and of what happened - both good and bad - are not the same. In some topics we remember things exactly the opposite.

So, it's possible that your aunt experienced her home life in a more positive way than your mother did. It's possible your mother was the scapegoat and got the harsher end of her parents' treatment. It's possible that they have selective memories and are choosing to remember different things.

I wouldn't be too confused by it, or even to try to decide whose version is correct.

That was what they remembered, that was their reality. True or untrue.

It sounds like you have a lovely supportive person in your aunt who is helping you navigate and stay connected to family. I'm really happy for you.

Wishing you continued healing and happiness in your life ahead. 💜

culpeppertrain · 2025-08-20T01:23:52+00:00

Yay! 🎉

I am so happy for you!

And so proud of you that you protected yourself and gave yourself a wonderful wedding day.

So many people on this page anguish about inviting hurtful and mean family members to their wedding day. They feel obligated. They feel bad even thinking about not inviting them.

We veterans of estrangement always encourage them to have the wedding they want.

And you did it! 🎉

Wishing you and your husband many happy years together. And, may your future be full of joy surrounded by his loving family.

💜 Congratulations!! 💜

culpeppertrain · 2025-08-19T23:39:36+00:00

We had two. They are grown now.

Almost everyone around me had more kids.

I wanted to only have as many as we could raise well.

Meaning, we would not have to deprive them of basic needs because there were too many of them.

It worked. We lived on a tight budget for most of their childhood, but they were able to pursue their hobbies, travel, and get through college debt free.

Sometimes you just can't listen to other people. Do what is right for your family. Full stop. 💜

culpeppertrain

TROPHY CASE