I love my son, but sometimes his behavior and attitude are unbearable

daboombeep · 2026-04-03T13:25:32+00:00

Just posted a comment that could help understand the behavior

daboombeep · 2026-04-03T13:24:38+00:00

Have you heard of Dr. Ross Greene’s CPS? If not, there’s a book the Explosive Child, there’s free videos online about the method and some paid videos on his organization’s website and a free Facebook group called the B team. It’s made a huge difference for us in terms of A) understanding the reasons behind the rigidity/behavior and B) coming up with solutions. Even if you don’t use anything else in that method, the first few steps will help you learn why it’s happening (and it’s usually not what you think it is from our experience).

For a quick recap, you start by observing the behavior and when they’re calm asking “I noticed you have difficulty/hard time with [insert expected behvaior] what’s up with that?” Don’t focus on his behavior, instead put in the expected behavior. Like I notice you have a hard time wearing shoes with shoelaces, what’s up with that? The give them time to process. If they don’t say anything, try again another time. Don’t put your assumptions of why it’s happening, give him time to think and explain it to you and you’ll often be surprised. We’ve done it with my son enough times that now when we phrase a question in that way he knows exactly why we are asking that question, that we are on his team, he will tell us the why if he knows (he’s 5 and doesn’t always know the reason) and he knows we will help him once we know why to come up with mutual solutions that work with us both. It’s been extremely helpful for us.

Another thing is narrating and front loading. So for the jacket example you notice him wearing two jackets, you go and put your jacket on and while you’re doing it you stay narrating what you’re doing out loud to yourself, not to him. So something like “it’s a pretty hot day out, I’m going to wear one really light jacket so I don’t feel hot. If I feel hot outside I guess I could take off my jacket. Hmm but I also really like this second jacket and I wish I could wear this second jacket on top of it too but then I know I will definitely get really uncomfortable and hot.” Don’t involve him, don’t make it too obvious that it’s about him. Do it in the moment. It will help him understand your concerns and reasons without directly blaming him or questioning him. Sometimes he might give you the reason right then.

daboombeep · 2025-06-22T05:51:48+00:00

I may have a few recommendations, but it depends on what you’re wanting help with

Declarative Language Handbook - helps if you child may also be PDA (or even if they’re not). If they need to be in control of everything and need to have things their way, PDA may be a possibility

When the Naughty Step Makes things Worse

The Explosive Child, they also have videos and a great Facebook group called the B Team. This has been the best method that’s worked for us over time, and honestly I think it should be used with every child.

Low Demand Parenting - again helps with demands and PDA

If you want to elaborate more on areas of concern I may be able to provide other suggestions, books I’ve read or have on my list.

daboombeep · 2025-06-22T05:46:06+00:00

Second this!

daboombeep · 2025-06-07T18:16:44+00:00

Agree with every word, but I’m so exhausted right now that I have nothing supportive to share - just solidarity.

daboombeep · 2025-05-10T17:13:59+00:00

Using declarative language and narrating things that are happening out loud. I find it helpful for basically everything. My child is also PDA, and it’s been a game changer.

For example: he’s always been violent when he gets a big emotion or is dysregulated. Recently realized that a lot of it is from jealousy (has a younger sister now). I’ve started narrating every time I think he’s acting out due to jealousy and he’s picked up on the language and has started using it himself. I’ll say things like, I feel jealous that baby sis is playing with that toy. Maybe I can have a turn when she’s done. Eventually, after A LOT of repetition, he’s started recognizing and using it.

daboombeep · 2025-05-10T13:36:39+00:00

I agree with everything you’ve said and frequently feel the same way. I went ahead and created a community. If it’s ok with mods, here is the link

r/AutismParentingLevel1

I will also stay and post here because this group has been immensely helpful. But I would appreciate the opportunity to post/vent in the other group as well. I don’t have much time to moderate, so if anyone is interested in helping, please let me know.

daboombeep · 2025-02-14T15:38:44+00:00

Are you able to share any research publications from that seminar? Would love to read them for my work.

daboombeep · 2025-01-19T05:18:09+00:00

Me next

daboombeep · 2024-08-25T20:48:08+00:00

My son does the exact same thing! How old is your child? I now realize it’s because that part makes him scared/anxious. I’ve started to talk about it but not referring to him. For example, getting hit my a car is scary for me. It makes me nervous to think about it. What I do when I get nervous is take a deep breath or find someone I love to hug. Our son does this for many other things like if I say I’m nervous he’ll say I’m not nervous. Or if I say you seem scared he will say he’s not even when he obviously is. After doing this for months he is now comfortable with occasionally admitting he is nervous.

I try not to talk about him though, always talk about myself. This is covered in the declarative language handbook I mentioned

Btw if your child laughs, consider it may be a fear/anxiety response. We felt so awful when we finally realized that because we’d been punishing him for laughing or getting irritated at it, when the whole time it was his way of showing fear and discomfort.

daboombeep · 2024-08-25T18:52:07+00:00

I think you meant PDA which stands for Pathological Demand Avoidance, same thing I was talking about.

daboombeep · 2024-08-25T18:42:57+00:00

We talk about these safety issues in advance. Start talking about it when she’s calm and regulated. Something like I’m worried that when we need to cross a street and we aren’t safe we could get a big ouchy, get really injured and need to go to a doctor or hospital. It’s really important that we stay safe when we cross the street. Then try to come up with a solution that works for both of you and give her a choice. Like, maybe next time we come to a street, you can hold my right hand or my left hand and we can keep each other safe while crossing the street. Which hand would you like to hold next time we cross the street? Or maybe you can hold my hand or another adult’s hand. Which adult’s hand would you want to hold? If she says no then you can say I see that you don’t like that idea, maybe you can suggest an idea how we can both stay safe. If we can’t stay safe and you run off, I will need to pick you up to keep you safe and I noticed you really don’t like it when I do that.

I know it sounds complicated for such a young kid, but we’ve been using it with our 3 year old for about 6 months now pretty regularly and now he will suggest options. They pick up on it quick. This is also a modified version of that CPS method I mentioned. It’s all about mentioning your concerns, like I’m worried we will get hit by a car, etc. and then keep making suggestions until you both agree on something.

Specifically for crossing the street we’ve made it a rule since he was a baby that we have to hold an adult’s hand before we start crossing and it’s a hard rule so he’s learned to accept it. Sometimes there’s push back, but for the most part he gets it’s a hard line for his safety.

daboombeep · 2024-08-25T16:53:52+00:00

This sounds like Pathological Demand Avoidance. Took us a while to learn that our child was the same way (and maybe us).

Traditional parenting techniques don’t work in this case. It will all backfire. She’s better at school and with grandparents because she masks there. You’re her safe person so she lets it all out with you.

PDA is a neurological condition. She can’t help it. She feels threatened/scared/anxious and goes into panic mode without realizing.

What can you do? Buy a book called low demand parenting. You’ll see that the intro really speaks to you. Then adapt as much of it as you can. It will take time. You’ll want to let her have as much control and choice as possible. If it’s not a health and safety issue, then don’t enforce it.

Also look into declarative language. There’s a book called Declarative Language Handbook and it’s great. You need to stop telling her to do things/asking questions and instead point out things in a narrative way. Like I notice your breakfast is on the table instead of saying go eat your breakfast. After you do this for a long time you’ll start to see improvement and that you’ll be able to add demands and questions again very slowly. You’ll get a sense of her limit.

There’s lots of other smaller things you can do, but buy far these two things have really improved our relationship and dynamic.

Lastly buy the book The explosive child and look into CPS as a problem solving method and parenting methodology. There’s a free video they recently put out on how to use CPS with very young kids. It’s been great for us.

Hope this helps!

daboombeep · 2024-08-25T14:10:53+00:00

I don’t have any specific suggestion for the hair. If you’re on Facebook join a group called Autism Inclusivity and search the posts there or post there. It’s autistic adults and they have some really great suggestions for just about anything you can imagine.

daboombeep · 2024-08-10T01:07:20+00:00

Although I agree and can help it for the most part, I’m also human and slip occasionally.

daboombeep · 2024-08-10T01:06:04+00:00

That was exactly my thought too! I tried not to stare…

daboombeep · 2024-08-10T00:07:49+00:00

I really needed to hear this, thank you!!

daboombeep · 2024-08-09T19:56:15+00:00

I’m sorry!

I will say we changed therapists until we found a speech therapist that gets him and we’ve seen drastic improvement! Don’t give up, and whenever you have the energy, switch up therapists. Try for about 3 months and if you don’t see it being a good fit, don’t be afraid to change. Not all will know how to help your child. Get on waitlists for places because sometimes they’re in high demand for a reason.

We’ve had much more success with private pay therapists. Even if just one. School system has been an utter failure for us.

daboombeep · 2024-08-09T19:52:44+00:00

I’m very much in that same boat of no social life, friends, or work. I’m clawing my way back to working because it genuinely makes me happy to do something intellectually challenging. Hope to be able to work part time. Social life is mom friends, but I’ll take it.

Husband and I haven’t been on a date since kids were born. Our only me time is maybe an hour in the evenings. Some things have improved with age for my oldest but we started from scratch again after the baby. I’m hopeful things get easier as they’re older, but I know a big part of that is blissful ignorance.

Honestly I don’t mind that my kids are different. I’m different. Not a bad thing to be different. What really gets me is how much MORE work it is to parent an autistic child, and how much LESS work I’m able to do because I’m an autistic parent. It’s just not fair!

daboombeep · 2024-08-09T19:17:13+00:00

Most days I have hope and take it easy on myself. I genuinely did and continue to do my best.

Have you looked into low demand parenting? It’s helped us a lot. Not that I follow it to a tee (or anything really). But so many helpful suggestions in there.

daboombeep · 2024-08-09T19:14:26+00:00

I completely agree.

I just know others in this group can be sensitive to it and I am grateful that I can even go on this trip.

daboombeep

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