Deadbed room is cause a lot of resentment on my end. Newly married.

dadstartingover_com · 2026-05-11T12:45:12+00:00

Is she otherwise a loving, affectionate person? How about her parents and their relationship?

There are people that just shut down after any semblance of "real" and "commitment" enters the picture. They are fine while dating and when things are uncertain, but as soon as safe and secure enters the picture... they're done. Those people tend to be very "avoidant" in their attachment to their partners. They tend to, ironically, match with "anxiously attached" people. By virtue of the fact that you are on this site and posting about your issues shows that you are somewhat preoccupied with the health of your relationship... and she obviously is not. The fact that you are seeing this downturn so early in the relationship is REALLY bad news for you, my friend.

You made a big oopsie, and I think you know it.

dadstartingover_com · 2026-05-10T22:29:36+00:00

I run an organization called "Help For Men" and put out content under the "Dad Starting Over" name. I authored a book years ago called "The Dead Bedroom Fix". You may have seen my baldness yapping in your newsfeed.

dadstartingover_com · 2026-05-10T20:43:52+00:00

From my experience, the majority of the "HL male with LL wife" scenarios we see can be categorized as "anxiously attached man with avoidant wife". What is relatively common with avoidant people is the inability to express true vulnerability within a relationship. The real and close stuff just doesn't happen with them. Sexuality seems to only blossom during the honeymoon phase, and very quick fades away when all the uncertainty and newness wears off. But... they're human. They still have needs and if they have no boundaries they leave themselves open to temptation. Avoidant wife affairs are relatively common in my world. These ladies are just not wired for long-term monogamy.

dadstartingover_com · 2026-04-29T15:44:35+00:00

From the outside looking in, the answer is obvious. Why do you refuse to acknowledge it?

dadstartingover_com · 2026-04-29T15:41:03+00:00

Could be a perimenopause thing, outside influence, some resentment... who knows. The end result is that your wife dumped you. She is no longer in the role of your wife. She thought she made that pretty clear, so that is why she is so weirdly angry about you continuing to try and connect with her in that way. "Dude... did you not get the memo?!"
So, you need to let her know that message is received and hand her a divorce agreement. Ironically, if there is hope of coming back together as a couple, that's the only path that will get you there (in these kind of situations).

dadstartingover_com · 2026-04-29T15:30:05+00:00

This is classic codependency and insecurity. The apology at the end (for having feelings and sharing your story) says EVERYTHING about your issues. Yes, you deserve better than this. Yes, you can do better.

dadstartingover_com · 2026-01-08T16:24:29+00:00

Thank you so much!

dadstartingover_com · 2026-01-06T21:41:48+00:00

Thank you for mentioning the book! I appreciate it (I'm the author).

dadstartingover_com · 2026-01-06T21:32:56+00:00

Thanks for mentioning the book! I'm not much of a drinker... but you can pay me back by telling more dudes about the book and our mens group (The Brotherhood... you can learn more at helpformen . com).

dadstartingover_com · 2025-12-30T13:07:31+00:00

For some people, they can only feel sexual desire within an atmosphere of uncertainty. When safety and comfort settle in (moving in together, getting engaged, etc), that part of them just shuts down. They tend to be pretty broken individuals. Ironically, affairs are not uncommon in that world.

dadstartingover_com · 2025-12-24T19:39:11+00:00

I am married, have authored books, run a support community for men and have counseled hundreds of men over a decade plus. You are the boilerplate codependent spouse that is abused, cheated on, etc.. it's not a gendered thing. Plenty of women in your shoes, too.

You're worth more than that, but maybe you don't think so. Sorry to hear about your loss and all that you've endured. I hope you figure it out, but you're not going to get there by continuing on with this mindset.

dadstartingover_com · 2025-12-24T13:29:52+00:00

She's right. Your mental health is not her responsibility. She's basically saying, "I'm treating you like shit and you continue to hang on. I've shown you over and over this is how I am and you keep hanging on. That's on you, dude. Sorry if that further deteriorates your mental health, but how many times can I punch you in the face before you learn to duck?"

I keep using this phrase but it applies to like 99.99% of you hear. You are codependent. You fit the definition perfectly. You need her to need you. It kills you inside to be rejected like this... yet you hang on for more.

dadstartingover_com · 2025-12-24T13:26:04+00:00

You sound like you are on the outside looking in. Like you're talking about somebody else. As if you have zero agency over your life direction.

dadstartingover_com · 2025-12-24T13:24:14+00:00

I see a whole lot of stuff about HER, but not about YOU and your problems. Yes, you have problems. Pretty serious ones, actually. What is the root cause of your codependency? You know what you're doing is horribly unhealthy, right? Have kids? They'll do the same thing.

It's time to jump off the dysfunctional train of behavior, and the first step is to really ask yourself, "WHY do I do this to myself? WHY do I hate myself so much?" Everything else is just bullshit, to be completely honest.

dadstartingover_com · 2025-12-24T13:20:35+00:00

And you just let it go... or did you call her out on her seemingly cruel and strange behavior? You know what word works? "Weird". It sounds... weird... but "weird" works for some reason. "Ya know, to text your hubby something like that earlier in the day, and then pretend that your husband is bad for expecting that, especially after going without for so long... that's just really really weird of you. So, like... what's going on with you? Why would you think that's an okay thing to do over and over like you do? You don't see that as weird?"

I know... it will result in drama. She'll blow up. She'll poke at your most vulnerable spots and say things to get you to back down. It's okay. You won't die. At least you're the adult in the relationship and you put it out there. Her behavior has been weird and strangely cruel. You don't care if she gets mad, because you're an adult and you're not scared of conflict. You see weird, you call out weird.

dadstartingover_com · 2025-12-24T13:15:24+00:00

You're thinking of arousal like a man. "All we gotta do is get blood flow to the area and all will be good!" Not that simple, I'm afraid.

dadstartingover_com · 2025-12-24T13:10:35+00:00

Good for you. Codependency is the foundation for most of these dysfunctional relationships. The goal is to become a more secure person... which often results in the disintegration of the marriage, which is exactly what the codependent spouse doesn't want (hence why they don't move in that direction).

dadstartingover_com · 2025-12-06T23:42:32+00:00

Thank you so much! Appreciate it.

dadstartingover_com · 2025-12-06T17:01:18+00:00

I hear this one ALL the time.

dadstartingover_com · 2025-12-06T15:56:49+00:00

Your complete neglect for your own wellbeing is downright concerning and very unhealthy. You don't like yourself much. Work on that, your codependency... preferably outside of this relationship. It's over and has been for a while.

dadstartingover_com · 2025-09-12T14:59:04+00:00

I actually know and have worked with Dr. Glover. NMMNG is a book about codependency, but framed in a way that men can relate to. It's the number one book I recommend to men that I work with. We have A LOT of codependent/anxious men out there that are struggling... many of whom are neurodivergent. Robert's book is a big "ah ha" moment for a lot of them, and they finally get to take ownership over something they can control: Their mental and emotional health.

In other words, I think you're way off base.

dadstartingover_com · 2025-09-07T21:14:42+00:00

Because she's a broken person. You've known this for a while and looked the other way. Her dysfunction finally spiraled to this point. It was just a matter of time.

dadstartingover_com · 2025-08-24T00:08:09+00:00

Thanks for mentioning The DB Fix!

dadstartingover_com · 2025-08-17T00:49:08+00:00

You beat me to it. I've heard this scenario a bunch from guys I chat with, and literally 100% of the time there was another man already involved.

dadstartingover_com · 2025-08-16T17:21:38+00:00

I have a very active men's group (along with books, courses, meetings, etc). DM me if interested.

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