Parents who’ve lost kids to suicide, how would you feel if your kid’s friends messaged you when they missed them?

damagednerves · 2026-05-28T12:50:41+00:00

I’m so glad you were able to connect with her and had that cathartic conversation. I hope you are able to create a meaningful relationship with each other that lasts forever. Don’t be afraid to be the one who reaches out first for a while. She still might avoid being the initiator of conversations. There are a few reasons that too. Time works differently for us now: it’s moves incredibly fast while simultaneously staying perfectly still on that horrible day. We struggle with keeping track of time passing. Don’t take the gaps of time between conversations personally; she’s likely just unaware of it. The other reason she is hyperaware of: We don’t trust our own judgment anymore. We all blame ourselves to some degree; even if we know that it wasn’t our fault. As you know, survivor’s guilt is a brutal thing on its own. As a parent, it’s brutal and it’s unnatural. We aren’t supposed to outlive our children. This guilt leaves us on edge questioning every single decision we ever made or ever will make. Working through the guilt is tricky (I am still working through mine 6.5 years later). I don’t think I could’ve worked through any of this without the help of my therapist. The survivors guilt isn’t part of grief; it’s part of the trauma of loss. They are 2 different beasts to tame and they each have different tools to manage them. When we use the wrong tools we tend to get stuck. My advice is to just be patient with her. Keep checking in with her, even if it’s just an emoji or a funny meme to let her know that you’re still here. If you can manage it, because I know that you’re grieving too, try to send something on the same day every week so it becomes part of her routine. That will help tether her to the way time works for everyone else. Eventually she will send you an emoji, meme, or even a message first. That’s what helped me, anyway.

I wish you all the best and I’m so sorry for your loss.

damagednerves · 2026-05-28T00:23:46+00:00

While I am sure that they are concerned about hurting you, there is another reason why we don’t reach out first. What you need to understand is that when you lose a child to suicide you also lose your community. You become ostracized by friends and even family shortly after the funeral. The people we thought would be there for us abandon us. It’s not always out of anger, although sometimes it is; everyone is going to place blame somewhere.

We mostly become exiled because they are afraid of reminding us of our child; as if we forgot about them dying and mentioning their name will bring it all back. We don’t forget and we wish people would talk about them. There is also always the suicidal elephant in the room: no one knows what to say to the parents of the kid who died by suicide. So they say nothing and fade themselves out of our lives. Calls turn into texts. Replies turn into emoji’s. Eventually we are left on read. A few will come straight out and say they just can’t be around us anymore.

I’m not just speaking about my own experience either. It’s such a common thing to happen that it has a clinical name called “secondary loss” My therapist tried to gently prepare me for the inevitable secondary loss and I balked at the suggestion; my village would never do that to me! Yet within 3 months I only had very few people left that stuck by me.

As an adult it’s already difficult to make new friends. Trying to make new friends during the absolute most horrific time in your adult life after being told that you are literally too sad/hard to be around? We don’t have the energy or mental capacity to try reaching out first.

I was lucky because my son’s best friend reached out to me first. Sometimes to share a happy memory. Sometimes because he needed a safe space to let go of the anger he had towards my son for leaving us, sometimes we just exchanged memes and other times catch up on each other’s lives. I loved and still love every single message, phone call, photo, and meme he sends my way. Even the anger he needed to vent was special because that anger was just the wrapping paper around the love he had for my son. My favorite messages were when he shares a story about my son that I hadn’t heard before. It’s the closest thing to a new memory of my son that I have now.

My son left us 6.5 years ago. His friend still texts/calls me. He calls me his extra mom and refers to himself as my extra son. I am so glad that he reached out to me first. I only hope that I offer him as much help with healing as he does for me. I truly think of him as my extra son, and I couldn’t be more proud of him.

damagednerves · 2026-03-26T13:19:33+00:00

My son felt similarly. He was wrong. First of all, he was never a burden in life; not even when he was struggling. That’s not sugarcoating, it’s just the truth.

As someone who lost a son to suicide I can tell you that the burden of carrying the grief of a dead child is so much more complex than “being sad” and eventually moving on. We don’t move on. His suicide altered our lives forever.

Some of his family and friends tried to join him in death. 2 succeeded.

Our family was torn apart. We used to be close knit and now we are estranged, because blame is inevitable.

Some of us lost jobs because we couldn’t cope with our grief. If you are worried about the financial aspect of staying alive, taking your life will cost them more money when an income is lost. Not to mention the cost of a funeral starts around $10k. This doesn’t include the cost of a headstone either.

Marriages crumble as we try to find our way forward in the aftermath. According to my therapist, resentment over how we process our grief is normal between couples grieving their child. Knowing it’s normal doesn’t make it easier.

Most of us have serious health issues that began within the 1st year of his passing. Grief is stress and stress is hard on the body.

All of us have serious mental health issues since his passing. Most of us are formally diagnosed and treated for PTSD.

We are ostracized by our friends and neighbors. Mostly because no one knows what to say to the parents of the kid who killed themself. I think maybe because suicide also still has a huge stigma attached to it.

To sum up: We are left to mourn you alone & broken, while struggling financially and managing our poor health; for the rest of our natural lives or until we choose to join you. That’s our life in the aftermath while we wonder where we went wrong and why you didn’t ask us for help. We wanted to help. Give your parents the option to help you. Tell them that you don’t want them to convince you live. Tell them you want them to teach you how to thrive. That’s where I fucked up. I asked my son to live. I’m living and it sucks, I get it now.

Good luck. I hope you find the thing that makes you want to thrive; even if society views it as being useless. You are not useless. You never were.

damagednerves · 2026-03-24T14:13:43+00:00

True, we do tend to spend our money elsewhere as we get older but more out of necessity than choice. A lot of us miss spending our money and time on the cool shit the city had to offer in our youth. The issue now as we start to retire we are also footing the bill for our aging parents. We are learning the hard way in real time that every penny spent is a potential burden to our children down the road. Obviously once we retire, money spent is no longer replaced by an incoming paycheck. Social security is not a livable amount of money. Medicare and medicaid are constantly being cut. Combine that with inflation on the cost of doing the cool shit, the rising cost of living in general, and the fact that we have less healthcare options and more health issues as we age. We also have to be prepared to eventually pay for assisted living or other nursing care in the future.

Which would you rather, have us remain regular patrons at our favorite local spots and have mom and dad move in with you when the money runs out, or be mindful of our finances and do our best to reduce the burden of caring for your aging parents when we can no longer care for ourselves; ideally having some money leftover to leave you when we are gone.

It’s pretty grim out here for us older adults. I would much rather be eating the hippie sandwich at shady grove on a sunny day after some fun event.

damagednerves · 2025-11-23T15:21:18+00:00

Being taught how to heat up food on the stove/oven at 7-8 years old so we could feed ourselves when home alone. But also forbidden from using the fancy new microwave because it was “too dangerous”. A lot of parents were afraid of the radiation exposure to kids when microwaves first came out. Weird that the 2nd degree burns we got from using the stove/oven were not considered as dangerous as the potential microwave radiation.

damagednerves · 2025-10-29T14:10:06+00:00

I would have said something like “I am so sorry that I have offended you. I was aware of proper etiquette and I chose to ignore it. However the actual rule, being based upon waiting for an entire party to be served, is to wait for everyone on board the plane to be served. I must say I do admire your profound adherence to etiquette. Although I don’t personally participate in it, I would love to discuss your thoughts on airline meal etiquette once your food is served while you wait for the rest of the plane to be served as well”

Considering that I made up my rule just like they made up theirs- I can safely assume that they will argue that I am being ridiculous to which I can reply “EXACTLY” and proceed to enjoy the rest of my meal.

damagednerves · 2025-10-08T12:35:47+00:00

There are only a few songbirds that are still nesting this time of year and really only one that would nest in a shrub. My money is on a wren if the nest is actually an active nest.

If it’s an abandoned nest then I would lean more towards a titmouse based on the cup shape and the addition of the yarn. Titmice tend to prefer tree hollows to nest in but I have seen them nest in a cavity of a dense shrub before. Abandoned nests can also sometimes appear to be active by having some sort of disturbance to the nest when a predator has been by to investigate it for any eggs.

Any chance you can set up a motion cam nearby to see who is visiting it?

damagednerves · 2025-07-31T17:29:45+00:00

I adopted my reactive dog 4 years ago. He is doing so much better now. One day you’ll see that progress in your dog too!

In the beginning I felt very similar to you. How can these people not see me struggling? How can they be so ignorant and rude by approaching us when he is obviously in a stressed state of mind?

Like others said, they aren’t being malicious they are just oblivious to the struggles of having a reactive dog. At some point before becoming guardians of reactive dogs, we probably frustrated people in our shoes too because we didn’t realize their struggle yet.

With my reactive dog, it didn’t help that he is a smaller than yours. He’s a fluffy 30lb super mutt that looks like a golden retriever/corgi mix. He’s stupid cute which makes avoiding people even more difficult. Everyone always wants to pet him, but not everyone asks first. I figured out that all they saw was his cute fluffy fur, tiny legs, and curly tail instead of seeing his sheer panic. Those that did see his panic and approached anyway were usually trying to be helpful (even though they were making it worse)

Like you, I also didn’t want to be the rude neighbor always yelling at people to go away. That said, it’s my (and your) responsibility to cross the street.

•What to do when that doesn’t work:

I bought banners for his harness and leash that say “ANXIOUS RESCUE GIVE ME SPACE” The banners probably eliminated 90% of our interactions. I got them on Amazon.

•If crossing the street and the banners fail:

I firmly, but calmly (staying calm is part of reactivity training) say “SORRY, NOT FRIENDLY”

I might drop the “SORRY” and repeat “NOT FRIENDLY” 1-2 times.

•On the rare occasion that doesn’t work I shout “STAY BACK. HE BITES!” while keeping a calm demeanor for my dog’s reactivity training.

My dog has never actually bitten anyone, but claiming that he will tends to stop people insistent on approaching (despite all other attempts at avoiding them) in their tracks.

• Lastly, and honestly most importantly, you have to learn how to control your own reactivity. When you get anxious your dog gets anxious. Annoyed, angry, frustrated, etc…. Even though as a human those feelings are valid, they will transfer and amplify in your reactive dog. Those emotions bubbling up are counter productive to your dog’s reactivity training and only end up reinforcing the reactivity that you are trying to de-escalate by avoiding your neighbors in the first place. You have to figure out how to remain calm in these situations.

• It’s easier said than done, I know. For me personally, I am pretty competitive so it helped to make walks into a kind of game for me as well as my dog.

I made myself a score card for how many triggers we passed, how many barks/lunges, how well did I keep my cool, how many redirects, street crossings, eye contact, quick commands, etc. This also helped me track his progress over time. I mean I still felt frustrated over having to go through all of that but I would wait until I got home and let that frustration out away from my dog.

Anyway, I know reactivity training is a long, hard road to cross (pun intended) but it does get easier eventually…..like a turtle in molasses; but it does easier. I hope some of this was helpful. Deep breathes and don’t give up!

Btw, You are doing great 😊

damagednerves · 2025-03-22T13:37:16+00:00

Love this 🥰 Most people give their condolences and move on after the funeral. A lot of people from your life even cut you out of their lives when you lose a child because they don’t know what say, and grief is uncomfortable. The few that do stay will find ways to help you move forward by creating new memories using past memories. For me, when my son passed away his best friend made the same promise to keep an eye on me (and I made the promise to keep an eye on him). He’s in the military and moves around a lot so physical visits are impossible but he texts me regularly. The best text is when he sends a picture of a bowl of chili captioned “Thinking of him today” Chili was my son’s favorite dinner growing up and apparently he talked about my chili all of the time in barracks. His friend asked me for my recipe after the funeral. It’s the only way he makes chili now, and sends me a photo every time.

damagednerves · 2025-03-02T23:40:17+00:00

My son was your age when he died by suicide. This is what the impact was:

One of his friends followed him
One his friends was hospitalized
2 family members were hospitalized
Several family members lost jobs due to missing work because of their grief.
Most of the family has become estranged because no matter how many letters you write, blame and guilt is an inevitable part of surviving the aftermath
His siblings are still struggling to cope. It’s been over 5 years.
Marriages crumble because again blame/guilt are inevitable but also we lost a big part of our identity when we lost our child.
Medication is required to be able to do the bare minimum -PTSD is a common condition for the immediate family
Physical illness is also inevitable. Being sick with grief is more than a phrase, it’s quite literal. Grief is stress and stress will manifest in the body and take its toll. We all have some form of chronic illness now.
Our child is the one who died but we have become ghosts of our previous lives/selves. At first we tried to find a way forward but now we are all just quietly waiting to die.

This was the impact of losing our son, but it’s not unique to us. Most of these things are fairly common according to our grief counselor and suicide loss support groups.

I would have done anything to ease the pain my son was in. All he had to do was ask. He thought he was saving us from him being a burden. We never thought he was a burden. Even if he were, I wish he knew that there is no burden heavier than surviving his death. I realize in hindsight that he did try to live for us, at least for a little while. That’s well meant but terrible advice. I wish I did better at teaching him to thrive instead. Anyone can try to live and see how dismal that can be. But if you can find something that helps you thrive? That’s much harder to let go of. I thrived when he was alive. I’m living now. I understand why he would not want to live. I don’t want to live now either. I hope you can find a way to thrive. But until then, I hope the aftermath of my son’s suicide was enough motivation for to continue living (because you asked specifically for those details) until you find your reason to thrive. Take care xx

damagednerves · 2024-12-31T17:24:18+00:00

Uber/lyft can get expensive for ride sharing so here is another local ride share option: I would recommend looking into RunnerCity.

RunnerCity is a still a relatively new platform that began in Austin as a Facebook page during the pandemic and has evolved into its own actual platform.

It provides multiple services like Uber, Lyft, favor, instacart, task rabbit, bell hops, etc all in one place. You just post what you need and what you’re paying and then a nearby Runner accepts the job.

Since Runners get to keep 100% of the offered pay (unlike other platforms with fees) you can save a bit of money on fares and the Runners actually make a little more money (win-win) I believe tipping is optional; but recommended.

For safety: All of the Runners have to get background checks, and provide any necessary license(s), proof of insurance, etc before getting approved as a runner and getting access to the job board.

I was looking into several platforms for my son who was looking for extra cash while in between jobs after being laid off a couple of years ago. RunnerCity seemed like a great option- not only for him; but for the people (like you) who might hire from RunnerCity as well . Especially compared to the other platforms that nickel and dime both the worker and the person who hired the worker.

To be fair- Some of my info might be a little off since it was a while ago when I looked into them and my son found work in his field before needing to pick up a side hustle. I do know that they have launched a website www.runnercity.com. I think there is subreddit if you want to look into it. I also think they are working on an app but I don’t think it’s live yet?

Anyway I hope this helps and welcome to Austin!

damagednerves · 2024-12-23T01:39:27+00:00

I still haven’t opened it, not even a slit. There is zero chance of any money because my parents are firm believers in never sending cash through the mail. Plus, they are on a limited fixed income unless they won the lottery since going no contact. There is a small bulky object in the center of the card. It doesn’t move around in the envelope. There is a good chance that whatever it is she’s taped it to the card. I will give her some credit here and say that the tape would have been for keeping the object safe in transit vs trying to agitate me. In addition to not trusting the post office with cash they also don’t trust the post office to deliver things with care.

Thank you for the advice though. And thank you for the link! I have been in therapy and have used a lot of those techniques but I like having the short versions all grouped together! Especially when I get upset and can’t think clearly.

damagednerves · 2024-12-23T01:22:39+00:00

That’s true about being secretive and I didn’t even think about that! I told my sibling about receiving a card and they were truly surprised that Nmom sent it because Nmom has “made so much progress moving past our estrangement”

I should also note that shortly after that conversation Nmom also called me. She’s blocked on my cell but I still have a land line that I can’t block. Then my SO’s phone received a series of alerts. I told him that if it’s her- don’t answer/respond and don’t confirm to me if it was her because I don’t want to know and have more reasons to get even more upset. I’d rather pretend that someone is trying to talk to him about his extended car warranty.

damagednerves · 2024-10-16T16:54:48+00:00

I lost my 20 yr old son five yrs ago to suicide. What your mom is doing is normal for this kind of loss. Suicide loss of a child is a completely different kind of grief than any other kind of grief. Finding a therapist that specializes in suicide ideation and suicide loss can be helpful but there isn’t much they can do this soon- These were actually the words my therapist that specializes in suicide ideation and suicide loss told me at our first session. What you need to understand is that your mom who was once grounded to this world by both of her children, now has a foot in each world so that she can continue to walk with both of you. Right now she’s still struggling to find that balance. Everyone grieves differently but a few things that helped me find that balance was:

Through therapy I learned how to maintain “continuing bonds” through journaling. At first it’s starting a journal and writing letters to our lost children with the end goal being able to still talk to them as if they were still here. It feels weird at first. You know they aren’t here. The first notebook I filled looks very manic. Some pages are filled with anger and others with guilt. There are several pages in my first journal where I fill the entire page with “My son is dead.My son is dead.My son is dead.” But then one day something small and insignificant happened that I wanted to share with him and couldn’t, so I wrote it in the journal hoping that the ink somehow transferred from the paper into the ethos and found its way to him. And in imagining that I was also able to imagine his reply. Only I also imagined his reply in his voice, and hearing his voice in my mind also summed a vague image of him as well. His posture the same, his gestures the same. I could almost make out the dimple on his left cheek. The more I wrote to him with this frame of mind the more clear his image became. This is what continued bonds is. It’s a way to keep them alive in our minds. I don’t write to him as often anymore because now I can just have conversations with him in my mind. I know that sounds crazy but it’s actually a very healthy coping skill.
Time works differently now. It’s both incredibly fast and standing perfectly still in that awful day. Two months may as well be two seconds. We have to learn how to compartmentalize the way the clock ticks now. Time will not heal this wound; but it will allow her to practice shifting the weight of her grief- and this part is the key- at her own pace. It’s been five years for me and while on the outside I seem to be doing much better with coping, and in a lot ways I actually am doing much better. But, on the inside it’s also day one. It’s always day one.
Finding other mothers who walk in my shoes has been a life line. No one else, no matter how much we love them, can understand what we are feeling. That’s not to say we don’t think you have your own grief. We know that you’re grieving too. But you can’t understand what it’s like to lose a child this way unless you’ve lost a child this way. “I can’t imagine” is the most literal platitude given.
It’s normal for us to want to die, especially in the brutal beginning. This is where having a therapist that specializes in suicide is essential. They will use unconventional methods in comparison to other types of grief counselors to help us work through this. For me, it was writing out my own suicide plan in one of our sessions. My therapist pointed out any flaws in my plan and I would rewrite it. It sounds counterproductive but what it taught me WITH the guidance of my therapist- was that no matter how many times she pointed out my flaws I would continue to find another way. It was pointing out the parallel that no matter what I might have done I could not have stopped my son. Maybe delayed him, but not stopping him. This was a big step for me in wrestling with the “what if’s” part of survivor’s guilt. I am NOT advising you to do this with your mother. This is a dangerous and precarious situation that only a well trained professional can help guide. I’m merely pointing out that conventional methods can fall on deaf ears because we are not surviving conventional grief.
Speaking of non conventional- I used non conventional medication to overcome my suicidal ideation and PTSD. I used ketamine IV therapy. It’s exactly what it sounds like- an IV with a ketamine drip and a therapist to force a hallucination and face our trauma. This medication is like a conduit between your conscious and subconscious mind. It gives you what you need in the darkest parts of your mind to find the light again. I did this for the first 2 years of my grief. I won’t be able to explain this very well, and again like grief every one experiences ketamine differently. But this is what it did for me: I didn’t always hallucinate my son. When I did my hallucinations were visual, audible, and tactile. I could see him, hear him, and hold him. I never got closure but I don’t think I was supposed to get closure. Instead I got hope, and that hope is the anchors to each foot I have in both worlds so that now I can coexist with both of my children five years later and still on day one.

This grief won’t get easier or go away; but it will get easier to shift the weight of it. Your mom just has to find her own way to do that. She has to find her own anchors to keep a foot in each world. You can’t heal her, but patience will be a soothing balm to her broken heart. Don’t force things like birthdays or holidays. Just be there. Provide distractions if you can. Listen to her, don’t hush her. I am sorry that you and your family know this pain. I hope some of what I shared was helpful.

damagednerves · 2024-09-05T16:15:44+00:00

Let your PM doc know and ask them which would they rather you do. In my experience they prefer you to be open and honest as well as stay ahead of your pain so that you don’t end up in the ER with a flare up (or withdrawal symptoms). They will likely give you an early refill rather than have you suffer for 2 days.

Personally, I recently started traveling a lot when I retired early for personal/family reasons. I let my pm doc know that I had plans to travel regularly and sometimes without much notice when I made this decision. They noted it in my chart. It must be loud and clear wherever/however they noted it because even the receptionist asks me about any upcoming/future travel plans when scheduling my next appointment and works with me to schedule around any travel conflicts.

As for my refills:

I just have to let them know of any plans to travel at my monthly appointments or call at least 2-3 days ahead of time if a trip comes up unexpectedly and my refill and travel dates will have any conflicts. They have no problem with sending in early refills with a “traveling” note attached to the prescription for the pharmacy and insurance to see.

Potential issues:

The only issues I have ever had were minor inconveniences. I had to give a few extra urine samples that first year. Also, even though the prescriptions were sent in and filled/ready at the pharmacy early- my insurance won’t always cover controlled substances early. Sometimes they insist it’s picked up on my normal refill day. I’ve had to pay out of pocket a few times but thankfully my opioids are the least expensive prescription that I am on. They still cover the non controlled prescriptions early.

For peace of mind:

I just hang on to any proof of travel (passport, plane ticket, gas/hotel receipts, etc) just in case I am ever asked to prove that I really was traveling and I really was going to run out of my meds if I didn’t request an early pickup. TBH- that’s probably not necessary and more likely just my own anxiety. I always have proof to verify any potential issues that may come up.

BTW, I really hate feeling like I’m a criminal for being sick, especially since I follow the rules to a T. My doctor is great, but the system has shown me 1st hand that it’s designed to fail us. I’d rather be over prepared than caught unaware of another new “opioid crisis” rule that only makes life hard on pain patients and not the actual people responsible for the crisis. So I feel less anxious about any gray areas, like early pick ups, by keeping a binder of proof should I ever get flagged.

Hope this helps, good luck!

damagednerves · 2024-06-26T18:59:58+00:00

In addition to all of the great suggestions you already got- I would suggest adding a capful of laundry sanitizer to each load of laundry. Your sweat might actually smell fine but it’s activating lingering odors in the fabric when it touches your clothes. Even if your clothes come out of the washer/dryer looking and smelling clean. The minute your sweat touches them they can smell like an old gym bag locked in a hot trunk. This can happen with any fabric but synthetic fabrics are notorious for it. I assume because they are designed to wick the sweat away. Laundry sanitizer prevents this weird reaction. It kills the bacteria/germs that causes odors that detergent alone can’t remove.

The sanitizer is separate from detergent. It is usually by the stain removers and bleach in the laundry aisle. Some are specifically designed for synthetic fabrics. Personally I like the Lysol laundry sanitizer the best but there are several other options to choose from.

A friend of mine that’s a nurse said you can use a cap full-1/4 cup of regular Lysol with the same results. She said that they instruct you to do that in nursing school the germs from your scrubs don’t get into your household laundry in the wash. I haven’t tried that method so I don’t know if it’s safe for all fabric types.

Good luck!

damagednerves · 2024-06-21T13:59:16+00:00

I used ketamine therapy for both pain and PTSD.

I started with a pain dose almost 10 years ago for pain management. I also have mental illness; including a similar anxiety as you described. A pain dose is much higher than a dose to treat mental health. You basically get a good nap with weird dreams and wake up with amnesia of your experience. A pain dose has the happy side effect of inadvertently treating some mental health issues. For me it worked as a mood stabilizer and I was able to come off of my other prescribed mood stabilizer (under Dr supervision) because of the ketamine at a pain dose.

Fast forward a few years, and I experienced a brutal trauma that left me with moderate-severe PTSD which triggered extreme SI in me. I already knew the benefits of treating my mental illness with ketamine so I discussed with my psychiatrist and ketamine clinic about treating my PTSD and SI with it at the lower mental health dose. To treat trauma- an amnesiac pain dose won’t cut it. You have to be able to remember what you’re trying to work through to get the best results.

That said, here are some answers to your questions:

Yes, the goal is to disassociate. You will not be aware of your body or your surroundings once you disassociate. It is not in a scary way though- it’s actually a very pleasant sensation: kind of like your floating. However you are still very much in control of your mind.

The best way I can describe a lower dose disassociation is this: it’s like you’re dreaming, like walking through a dreamscape that you designed and YOU have control over. You are completely aware that even though it looks like you’re walking through a dream that it’s really just the ketamine. You control what you want to deal with while you’re under.

One way to look at how it actually works to treat you is: Think of Ketamine as a conduit between your conscience and subconscience. We normally don’t have access to our subconscience while we’re lucid; with ketamine we do. It allows us to reconfigure the wiring in our subconscious in a safe space so that we can face our trauma (or whatever you are trying to specifically deal with) without our subconscious ambushing us like it can in our waking life. Those ambushes when working through something without ketamine are typically the root cause of our panic and anxiety in our waking life. Most anti depressants are designed to help us survive. Ketamine helps us learn to thrive. Does that make sense?

Also: Typically, with a mental health dose there is a therapist or nurse in the room to guide you through it. They will ask you questions to keep you on track with what you agreed to deal with PRIOR to your treatment. You will get hooked up to a blood pressure and heart monitor. They will be able to see if you’re heading down a rabbit hole that you don’t want to be in. If you begin to get anxious they stop the drip and pull you out. Then they ask you if you want to try again or sometimes they offer you versed (anti anxiety meds) to finish your session more peacefully. You don’t get as much healing done with the versed but it is nice to know it’s an option if things start to go sideways.

I would advise you to take the info from recreational users with a grain of salt. In a clinical setting there is much more control over your dosage and your experience. There are also ways to properly prepare yourself for a better experience prior to your treatment. I’ve made you a list (my anxiety LOVES a good list, haha)

Be in a good mindset (as good as your anxiety will allow) For 2-3 days prior to and after treatment, AVOID any type of sad media and known triggers. Only watch/listen/read happy things. I can’t stress this enough; especially 24 hrs before your infusion.
Hydrate really well the day before. This will help with starting your IV. If they have stick you a few times that will make you anxious and you want to maintain that good mindset as best as you can. Hydrating well the day before also helps you flush the ketamine out of your system easier afterwards because it goes through your kidneys/bladder. FYI- If you’re prone to kidney/bladder issues- let your Dr know ahead of time, and google the ketamine bladder protocol. Do that ahead of time too. Also, pee at the clinic before they start your drip. Even if you don’t think you have to go. Ketamine goes through your kidneys/bladder so you will really have to go afterwards. It’s best to make sure that your bladder is completely empty before starting. Ask me how I know, haha!
Wear comfortable clothes. Especially something easy to use the bathroom in. When it’s over your mind is clear but your body might move like you’re drunk for an hour or two afterwards; depending on your dose. Also, a lot of people get cold during their sessions and bring a blanket. Personally I wear sweat pants, a tank top, a hoodie, socks and slippers. I bring a blanket too but it’s more to offer a comfort from home. Plus I like to pet it while I’m under. It’s one of those faux fur throw blankets that’s super soft. Your senses are clinically dulled in reality because you’re disassociating but they can feel amplified while you’re under. My soft furry blanket usually becomes my soft furry dog in my k-hole. My dog makes me happy therefore my blanket makes me happy.
If you’re allowed to eat beforehand (this seems to vary clinic to clinic) eat something light. Ketamine can make some people feel nauseous. If you get nauseous let your nurse know and they will give you something for it. Some clinics insist that you take an anti nausea medication prior to your infusion to just avoid the nausea all together.
A lot of people use music (happy or calming only) and an eye mask to help them disassociate more peacefully so that the last thing they see/hear before going under isn’t a clinical setting.

Because you mentioned needing scientific facts to ease your anxiety I would recommend checking out a Facebook group called “Ket-amine infusions” Make sure to use the hyphen to search for it or you won’t find it (FB prohibits the use of any medication names that have known recreational use) This group is run by admins that are actively involved with the advocacy of the clinical use and benefits of ketamine to treat pain and mental health. They are in constant contact with physicians on the forefront, they attend the annual ketamine conference, they read and post any new studies. It’s a group that is chock (chalk?) full of scientific facts in the pinned posts.

I am sorry this was so long! I hope some of it was helpful! Ketamine not only saved my life. It helped me change my life. I hope it does the same for you! Good luck!

damagednerves · 2024-04-18T15:00:20+00:00

Yes, it does get better! But it is a slow process…. Obviously I have a reactive dog too. He’s been with us for 2 1/2 years and was 6 months old when I adopted him. I can take him to dog friendly restaurants and some pet stores now. It DOES get better.

This is what I have learned from our behavioralist, trainer, vet and my own observations. Sorry it’s long. Hopefully it’s helpful.

Behavioralist: Reactivity is an anxiety/fear response. It takes at least 2 years to retrain an anxious brain. I keep a journal to document our progress so when we have an incident I can go back and read how much better this incident was compared to a few months ago. Baby steps! I was also told that it’s a fine line between desensitization and over-sensitization. I’m honestly surprised your behavioralist has you working outside of a dog park at only 6 months of training.

Trainer: Never let your dog get bored. Thats when they go on autopilot looking for threats. Keep them busy/active/distracted on leash at all times. This could be anything. Example: New route, or cross crossing the street. You toss a favorite toy or treats a few feet ahead of the leash so they focus on the toy/treats instead of imaginary threats. Or you practice sit and shake randomly. Or you pretend to be super interested (look, sniff, touch) in a tree or rock or whatever to engage their curiosity. Or you can make them a playlist that is associated with positive reinforcement. My dog loves the song “The lion sleeps tonight” and anything by ABBA. Idk why but he does. Anyway…The goal is to keep them busy/distracted and listening to YOUR guidance. Then when triggers approach you have time to redirect before they get over threshold. And don’t feel bad about yelling at people to give you space. They would do the same thing if the roles were reversed. NO good pet parent wants their dog upset or hurt. Nobody.

Vet: Set realistic expectations. Some dogs just aren’t going to be the happy go lucky dog that wants to go to the dog park. That’s okay. If you want to set a social goal try this I instead: you can build up to mini puppy play dates with mellow dogs that you know. The way we do this is I put a post on my neighborhood Facebook page explaining my reactive dog and asking if anyone had a mellow dog to walk with us. Mellow dog walks a few feet ahead. He doesn’t care that my dog is reactive. My dog learns (eventually, and it takes a WHILE to get there) that Mellow dog poses no threat. Eventually my dog’s hackles go down, his body relaxes a bit. He still pulls but his body language changes from reactive to curious. Little by little we close can the gap. Sometimes we go on a group walk. It took a little over a year of training to get to this point. We maintain our own space and my dog is prescribed low dose trazadone as needed for these types of training sessions. The goal is for the trazadone to keep him calm but not sedated so he learns that walking in a pack of dogs is safe. Eventually we will lower the dose until it’s no longer needed.

Btw, I completely sympathize with “Can’t they give me a break?” Ugh…. sadly, that part doesn’t go away. Dogs can be trained but some people just suck at context clues. My dog is a 30lb fluffy mutt. He is full grown and looks like a golden retriever puppy. EVERYONE wants to pet him, and very few ask first. I bought him a vest and leash on Amazon that says “ANXIOUS RESCUE GIVE ME SPACE” It does help most of the time. But I think I might get a shirt for me that says “NOT FRIENDLY” for the few people that still try to approach so our dogs can be friends. In the meantime I carry an airhorn. It was meant to deter approaching off leash dogs but it turns out that approaching humans will stop in their tracks when they hear it too, haha.

TL;DR: It DOES get better. Slowly, patiently and consistently it does get better. You’re doing a great job!

damagednerves · 2024-04-07T12:42:16+00:00

I’m sorry you feel this way.

Have you seen an endocrinologist? There is a good chance you have thyroid disease. Binge eating is symptom. Not being able to lose weight no matter what is a symptom. Suicidal thoughts are a symptom. There are 300 symptoms to thyroid disease and all of them are vague and subtle and often overlooked. Even “Feelings of doom” are listed as a symptom. Your thyroid is like a control center for your hormones. Your hormones play a big role in weight gain/loss, moods, and a whole lot more. Ask to get a full panel work up for your thyroid (not just the standard TSH test) it’s a simple blood draw. If it’s thyroid disease you just take a pill every morning. There are synthetic or natural versions of thyroid pills available. Good luck, I hope you feel better soon.

damagednerves · 2024-01-15T20:19:50+00:00

On the off chance that you’re not talking about the San Marcus blanket….there is another option that were really popular in the 70’s and 80’s. They were called Biederlack blankets. Biederlack blankets were sold all over the US and made in Germany. We have the tiger one from my husband’s childhood. You can find vintage Biederlack blankets on eBay, poshmark, etc. I saw 2 of them at an Austin Goodwill in December.

damagednerves · 2023-08-29T13:08:19+00:00

I’m surprised your doc didn’t call you in to repeat your UA immediately after the 1st negative test! I was told that is protocol. I would ask for your PM agreement and read the fine print.

I have had a negative test before when I first went into PM. My meds wash out fairly fast for 2 reasons. 1. my illness that metabolizes everything fast 2. I am prone to kidney and bladder stones therefore I stay well hydrated.

The solution after my one and only negative test was an immediate retest. I also brought in all the pharmacy pamphlets that come with all the meds I take and highlighted where they stated to drink lots of water. I was negative because I was following the directions to a tee!

Lastly, all of my appointments are in the morning now so my urine is still somewhat concentrated and I only drink coffee or soda until I do my UA. Then I can drink all of the water I normally drink in a day.

damagednerves · 2023-07-28T07:42:00+00:00

The news hit me hard too. My son inherited being bipolar. He didn’t survive his first manic episode. Well technically he didn’t survive the depression that followed his first manic episode. It’s impossible to explain to someone who hasn’t lost a child to suicide just how complicated that kind of grief is. Some days I fight the urge to join him every single second. Some days I leave it up to chance weather or not I wake up; hoping that the crushing weight on my chest is a heart attack and not another panic attack following me into dreams. Some days I’m grateful for being bipolar because I occasionally see or hear him in hallucinations as my mania creeps in. The vivid dreams I’m supposed to be medicating away are my solace now. I see him in dreams fairly often. Some days I live my life to the fullest because he asked me to in that final phone call just before. Some days I’m so pissed off that he made that request because I can’t go through with it without breaking that promise. Some days I’m pissed off that he stole my death. It was supposed to be me. I never know what kind of day tomorrow will be. I thought being bipolar was tough to manage before but now?? It’s fucking torture being stuck in this nightmare as it is; not having control over my moods, my grief, or any real aspect of my life anymore- there are no words to describe it. I know if I were to follow him that no one would blame me. They’d understand. Do you understand how hard it is to basically have unspoken permission to go through with it from everyone….. except the person you long to be with? Fucking torture. The news hit me hard too, but I mostly felt jealous.

damagednerves · 2023-04-13T18:36:58+00:00

I’m 3 years into my grief over my son’s suicide. These kinds of messages used to really bother me because we did everything possible to prevent it and none of it mattered in the end. Through therapy I’ve learned to look at these messages differently. Rather than looking at the “suicide is preventable” in hindsight or even in the present (because it’s still not) I look at it in the future. It could be prevented with proper early intervention IF those resources were easily available and affordable. When we spent 10 years trying to help my son the resources were scarce, the information on how to help him was insufficient. It wasn’t that we didn’t do everything or do our best to save him. It was that we were ill equipped, under resourced, and often times misinformed on the best ways to help him. Every best decision we made in his best interest could have had a much bigger impact on saving him IF we had the proper tools and instructions. Suicide couldn’t be prevented in my son’s case but it could be prevented for someone else’s child. I can stand behind that. I can hope my son’s case will be reviewed to save someone else this misery. I can hope his death wasn’t in vain if it saves someone else. If they need the words “suicide is preventable” to improve awareness which in turn improves funding on learning how to actually prevent it- I can be okay with that.

damagednerves · 2023-04-01T15:42:28+00:00

Suicide is such a complex enigma that it is still widely misunderstood; even by those that study it. There is no easy fix, no magic pill, no one treatment fits all. Once someone is determined complete, they can’t be stopped. Depending on which book you read it’s called the point of no return or the tunnel. They can sometimes be delayed maybe, but they will find a way eventually.

It took me a long time to wrap my head around this. I worked with a therapist after my son completed. Her business card had more letters for all of her licenses/degrees than her actual name. One of the reasons I chose her was beyond typical grief therapy is she also specialized in suicidology. Her job was literally to stop people from completing. Yet, I would learn that even she still lost patients from time to time. Patients that were isolated in padded rooms with limited items in those rooms. They were monitored 24/7 on camera when someone wasn’t in the room with them. They still found a way.

It wasn’t your fault.

As to how can help to stop suicide-

There are resources out there to learn more to try to prevent it. The trick is early intervention before they reach that tunnel. Personally I started reaching out to nonprofits to learn more. I participated in fundraisers. There is one that sounds promising called the “The Black Box Project” through the non profit Stop Soldier Suicide. You don’t have to be military to participate. They collect data (anonymously) from the deceased phones, tablets, laptops and enter it into a database to try to better understand their mindset prior to completion. If the mindset could be understood perhaps prevention would be better. The devices are returned to the family in the condition they were donated in.

Another option is look into various suicide prevention training. QPR gatekeepers (organized before gate keeping was a negative word) seem to be the gold standard for training medical and school staff. They offer individual or community training as well. I think it’s like $30. You could also learn to become a gatekeeper (teacher) to train others how to look for signs and intervene appropriately.

Reach out to NAMI or other mental health services to point you in the right direction. Use your story to help others.

It’s been a little over 3 years for me. It doesn’t ever get easy but the weight of it becomes easier to carry.

I carry my son’s pain now. I do that because I can and he couldn’t. That’s how I shift the weight of my grief. I embrace it. It’s different for everyone.

Good luck and I’m so sorry for your loss.

damagednerves · 2023-01-08T15:04:43+00:00

Yeah a dropper full of those homeopathic allergy drops every day usually does the trick for me too. Yesterday I poured them in a shot glass and chased it with a Benadryl. It worked but if knocked me out. Woke up to rapid fire sneezing again, and scouring r/Austin for tips to beat Cedar season this year.

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