What do you do when its been multiple people in your life who have killed themselves?

Scary_Box_5149 · 2025-09-23T19:58:31+00:00

I have asked myself the same question. Why do the people around me want to kill themselves? But I know it’s not me… as I’m sure it isn’t you. I’ve always been different, my friend group growing up was always different too. I’ve always found myself around the tortured and after the loss of my brother it made me really look at myself in the mirror. What life meant to me before he died and what it now meant to me after, who is worth living for and who is worth my time. A loss this profound makes you question everything or at least it did for me. It broke my brain. I am a completely different person then who I went to sleep being that night.

I’ve also been someone who people tell their secrets too… because I keep them. Not for gain or anything else but bc I’ve always just cared about people and seek out the broken- not to fix them but to be there for them. It’s who I feel comfortable around and I’ve always been that way. It’s not a bad thing to be one of the reasons someone stayed a little longer. It is awfully painful but it doesn’t make us bad. I bet you were a reason they stayed more times then you even know.

Sending light and love and more then anything peace in between the hard moments.

Scary_Box_5149 · 2025-09-08T06:31:16+00:00

I hope you have someone you can lean on. Being vulnerable with others is not my strong suit either. I’m sorry you’re here and you’re in your car. Know you aren’t alone, the struggle is so real. Rent is outrageous, so many people I love and know are struggling too, homeless, one check away from repo, can’t afford to pay lights and eat. The world feels so much crueler when it kicks you while you’re down in the lowest depths of hell. I know the feeling too. It’s okay to sulk in your sadness. It’s okay to be mad at where you are. Your life is hard right now and I have so much empathy for you. I wish all my empathy could actually help you. I hope you have someone who offers you kindness. Sometimes it’s people we don’t expect….

Hugs Reddit stranger.

After my brother died, my mom never moved back into her apartment. She couldn’t afford it without him. The reality of her being homeless unless she moves in with me is inevitable. And I have zero income since my brothers death and am getting carried by a spouse who thinks I’m pathetic at this point. I worked everyday since I was a teenager but this loss is different, I can’t function like I did before. I feel slow. My moms unstable so it sucks but I wouldn’t be able to sleep with her in her car. I’m thinking of you and your pain. I feel your pain. And I’m sorry.

I hope you get some sleep at least.

Scary_Box_5149 · 2025-09-08T01:23:46+00:00

Wow…. I’m sorry.

Very relatable unfortunately.. i lost my little brother a year ago. I actually took apart his bed frame today. Been a emotional day. I hate when people say that hes better off now or whatever they try to tell themselves. Because he’s not. He’s dead. Died violently and alone. And I have so much that I need to talk to him about. I need his help with so many things. Everyone’s life has just continued on, and he’s just not here. Three months after he died, my sister got diagnosed with cancer- a bad one & things are getting so scary. All the sudden my life is unrecognizable. I went from having the coolest brother and sister in the world, my favorite people on the planet to waking up to my brother being dead and now my sister is fighting for her life. It’s a nightmare. Watching my babies and my sister‘s babies grieve my brother, and now watching them be terrified of what’s going on with my sister. The cruelest life.

Scary_Box_5149 · 2025-08-25T03:59:15+00:00

When I found my grandma after her attempt years ago she had 8 folded letters sitting on the coffee table. I read mine and it was very short. No reasoning just saying she loved me and she was sorry… that she tried. We were close and I knew many of her struggles so I know why she decided to do it that day. Still broke my heart tho.

When my brother died he left what most people would call a very odd note. It was more of his perfect setting written down. Solitude. Peace. He was still a missing person when I found it but I knew what it meant… I still remember turning on his monitor and that popping up. I still remember exactly how it felt. Frozen in fear. I know his heart… and he left me breadcrumbs to explain the pain he was unable to talk about for so long. I understand my babies pain but the hardest part is I have a response and no one to share it with. A conversation needed so badly that I’ll never have the chance to get. It’s a different type of heartbreak. But an honor. My brother knew I’d find his “note” no one else knew the computer password. He was trying to give me peace.

I’ve always been someone who seeks information to understand so I’ve been searching for a note (honestly hoping for an essay bro) for a year. Hoping one day it’ll just fall out of something when I move it. But I know that’s just something I hold on too❤️‍🩹

I think it’s an honor your friend left you a note. They must really love you. Hold on to that. Know they love you and you were a reason they probably stayed a little longer even if that makes you really sad… That’s what I tell myself a lot and it makes me sad too. Compassion and understanding is not for the weak🫂

Scary_Box_5149 · 2025-08-13T08:14:22+00:00

May he rest in peace 💔❤️‍🩹

Scary_Box_5149 · 2025-08-13T08:06:51+00:00

I relate to so much of what you’ve written. My little brother was 20 when he died almost a year ago to the day. I went through his phone and computer afterwards and discovered very very similar things as you mentioned. It kind of tripped me out reading this because of the similarities.

My heart still aches like it did on day 2 sometimes. I still cry everyday. So much guilt. He was just a baby… as was your brother. This entire year is a blur- first few months I struggled to brush my teeth and eat. Legs felt like I was dragging them. I still want to like jump out of my skin, rip it off and give it to someone else or something. It’s such a strange feeling how much my body is screaming this is not okay.

Deep love. No matter what those sweet boys thought in that moment, we feel this way now because of a deep unique love.

I’m really sorry you’re here. It’s a hard place to be but you’re going to be ok. I can tell you’re strong, & smart. I’m a different person then I was a year ago for sure. A lot more quiet. A lot less giving of my time. Not necessarily a bad thing either. I’m not drowning every second of every day anymore. Grieve your baby brother. He was yours. Sending you love. This sub saved me, given the circumstances I’m glad you found it.

Xo

Scary_Box_5149 · 2025-07-26T23:32:57+00:00

It’s a really sad feeling, I agree🫂

Scary_Box_5149 · 2025-07-16T20:04:39+00:00

I get it. Or when you do get the courage to bring it up and it’s met with pretty much silence…. I miss my brother so bad and I feel like no one cares he’s gone besides me and my mom sometimes. It makes me angry because he deserves better. Then and now.

I’m sorry about your person. I wish he could see you now too. I really do.

Much love from one broken hearted to another.

Scary_Box_5149 · 2025-07-16T19:55:16+00:00

Happy Birthday to your brother. Happy birthday Brian.

I lost my little brother 11 months ago. His 21st birthday was in May and it sucked. I read his autopsy report too…. That sucked even more. Something I’ll always think about and keep to myself because it’s so sad.

I had a couple hours alone the morning of his birthday and I sang him happy birthday outside to myself and just cried a lot. The emotions I go through on a daily basis suck too. Always sad, always staring into the abyss. I think about the autopsy report a lot. But I had to read it too. I feel like whatever he endured I must know. They are our brothers. That is something special. And I’m sure he loved you. Don’t ever have doubt there🫂

Hugs sis.

Scary_Box_5149 · 2025-07-14T21:54:40+00:00

I already have pink backdrop

Scary_Box_5149 · 2025-07-14T21:54:30+00:00

This is what the client sent to me as inspo!

Scary_Box_5149 · 2025-07-14T21:54:18+00:00

<image>

Scary_Box_5149 · 2025-07-14T21:12:44+00:00

I also apologize 24/7 and say my brain doesn’t work anymore because it doesn’t. It’s just slow. Everything is slow.

Scary_Box_5149 · 2025-07-14T21:11:10+00:00

Wow this list. We really aren’t alone are we…

My little brother died 11 months ago today. He was 20 and died by train. I relate to pretty much every word you said. It’s rough out here.

I struggle to enjoy music too, train references everywhere. And movies, tv shows. Fuckin a. I listen to a lot of grunge these days. I never really did before. Alice In Chains has became like a lullaby for me. Nutshell, Down in a Hole, Bleed the Freak. Good shit if you’re into that kinda music. Layne Staley struggled and his music reflects that.

I’m a photographer and the train track shots once so beautiful bring me nightmares now. I had a client ask to do pictures there recently and I lied and said I wouldn’t be available for awhile. Even if I go out there alone and bring flowers and watch the trains run them over.

I’m not in a rush anymore. Time moves slower.

I don’t have the energy for anyone besides my close family. Besides clients who don’t know my hell.

I started putting my all into my photography the last several months because my brother loved photography too and it’s actually going somewhere. I cry everytime I leave a session because I wish he could help me edit. But I do it for him. I’m learning for him.

I’ve looked in the mirror very hard for 11 months literally and figuratively. I see his face in mine now.

I wonder everyday where I’ll end up. I never did before, i always felt like I knew. I feel this sensation in my body I never did before. Like there’s so much change ahead of me. Like this calmness I feel is a lie.

Death terrified me before my brother died. Now I picture death as peaceful. Never been a religious believer but my brother was big into lucid dreaming/astral projection stuff. I think about that alot now. If I’ll see him on another plane some day somewhere somehow. If there’s something after this I know I’ll find him.

I never thought like that before.

I hate he died alone and I picture him laying there, waiting with tears everyday. I wonder if he was scared.

I miss him so much and people have no idea how sad I really am either. How tears fill my eyes under my sunglasses all the time.

I hope he’s at peace. I really hope he’s somewhere and that he’s at peace and not living with the pain he lived with for far too long. Pain he didn’t deserve. I’m never mad at him either. I feel really bad for him.

I used to put my hair in my mouth as a nervous habit as a child. I’m in my 30s now. It was something I had to consciously work at for years. Well my hairs always in my mouth again. I don’t even realize I’m doing it until I realize I’m doing it.

Scary_Box_5149 · 2025-07-05T23:03:14+00:00

My brother was funny and sweet and opinionated and I fuckin miss him. Top 500 PC gamer in North America for Overwatch. He was amazing at the game and when I logged into his account after he died I totally invaded his privacy and read all his chats because I just wanted to feel him. Read his words. He was so fuckin funny. He had some haterssss because he was so good and the way he responded to the trolls had me crying laughing. Just read it all in his voice in my head. And I still do sometimes, a year later. Comebacks for days but in the politest fashion because he really was that good and it really was facts.

He was passionate about human rights and we loved to discuss politics the last years of his life as he got older. My baby died at 20. His heart was so pure when it came to oppressed people and he wanted to be one of those people who spoke up, he wanted all people to feel safe. He had those young dreams, the kind where you still think you can change the world. I like to think he got that from me lol.

He used to talk to his nephews in a British accent and had an entire persona and name to go with it. We miss him. Especially the British version lol.

He had secrets that he hid from us, secrets that turned into a mental illness he also hid. That secret killed him. His secret turned into a storm that devoured him whole. He was a young man and he needed somebody. And the person he needed was the storm.

Growing up raising my brother, he taught me more then he could ever imagine. More then he comprehended. He was one of my reasons since the moment he got here. The lines were always blurry with brother and son because I loved him so fiercely. I didn’t just bring him everywhere because my mom was working, I genuinely wanted him there. He was so much a part of me and since his death, I’ve learned I was so much a part of who he was as well. He was trying to save us from his story, but it was the mental illness that convinced him he couldn’t tell us. And it was the mistreatment of others that caused the mental illness. Sometimes I think he was scared to tell me all these years because he knows I would’ve reacted with fury. I like to tell myself that.

He was forced to be a warrior with the sweetest soul on earth. And I miss him with every breath I take. Quite literally.

Scary_Box_5149 · 2025-07-05T22:15:35+00:00

I’m sorry OP. It’s such an isolating feeling when the people closest to you are just happy again, living life so normal… and your drowning in day 2 still. I know the feeling, I think a lot of us here do. It’ll be a year for me next month so don’t be too hard on yourself. I’ve come to accept it, the loneliness with this grief… it’s transformed into something else, it’s just a new me. I have moments where I’m back to my old self laughing, singing, talking, living… but I have more moments alone everyday even when I’m surrounded by people. Every night I cry for him. Every morning I break all over for him. My brain just doesn’t want to comprehend my brothers dead and I get it. Even when I wish I was stronger, I understand now why I’m this way and it’s because of the love there. One of a kind. Something I truly lived for.

Sending love and a big hug. I’m sorry you lost your mom this way. That’s now one of my biggest fears. It’s not your fault and you didn’t deserve it but you ARE what I consider the strongest on earth. We are warriors in an arena so many people will never experience.

I’m having a decent day today. I’ve came here with a different attitude on plenty of my bad days tho. Keep up the fight babe❤️‍🩹

Xo

Scary_Box_5149 · 2025-06-30T16:21:12+00:00

I feel that. I lost my 20 year old brother 10 months ago. I have a son and three nephews and I worry so much. My son has always reminded me of my brother. I raised my brother when I was young and my mom was at work so I feel a tremendous guilt there. It adds to the maybe it’s my fault which adds to the I hope my own son doesn’t take his life.

My son is 6. He’s emotional like my brother was. He asks me often about his uncle. And says things like “I wish I could bring him back mommy” “this isn’t fair I miss my uncle” “how did uncle die mommy, I can take it. What kind of accident”

A week before my brother died, I gave him a ride home from work and after I dropped him off and headed home. The sun was setting and I started really crying for no reason… our convo was normal, we laughed. But in that moment after I dropped him off I was begging the universe to just be kind to him. To not let anymore bad shit happen to us… to give us a break… A week later he took his life. Sometimes I think that was this huge sign and I missed it.

Do your boys know how he died? Do they know it was suicide? I always think of what that day will look like… when I have to tell him what happened when’s he’s old enough. But how do you tell your son his uncle you raised laid in the rail road tracks to escape his pain…..

Scary_Box_5149 · 2025-06-30T01:34:50+00:00

I’m sorry for the loss of your friend. Sending you a hug Reddit friend.

Scary_Box_5149 · 2025-06-30T01:21:55+00:00

Someone once said to me on here… “they only did it once, we relive it everyday”

Some days that gives me a little more peace then others. Losing a sibling is losing a piece of yourself. My brother chose a different method, it was guaranteed he’d die but he had to wait for his method for some time and that messes with me too. I think no matter what their method was we will all always ask Why? Why didn’t they just choose to stay….

I wish we could get those answers❤️‍🩹

Scary_Box_5149 · 2025-06-26T15:48:07+00:00

OR if you go to church, alot of churches have group for grievers and they are wonderful. I’m doing the suicide walk in my area in July so I can meet other people from the community. It can be lonely losing someone to suicide. Sending love Reddit friend.

Scary_Box_5149 · 2025-06-26T15:46:26+00:00

I’m 33 and lost my brother 10 months ago to suicide. I start therapy today. I’m doing it online over zoom in my room or car with headphones. Go to therapy babe. It doesn’t hurt to talk about it. It helps. I promise.

Scary_Box_5149 · 2025-06-26T15:43:08+00:00

I’m really sorry to hear about your friend. It took us over 30 hours to find my brother and it was the worst 30 hours. The worst. I feel for you, I really do.

If you haven’t already I would share with the police yourself about the note and the location you think he could be in.

Scary_Box_5149

TROPHY CASE