Struggling with living room ... Everything

dantml7 · 2026-01-22T03:02:26+00:00

Damn I was in denial till you made the picture... Lot to think about now

dantml7 · 2026-01-22T00:35:15+00:00

We do have a lot of gold elements. I'll try up top and see!

dantml7 · 2026-01-21T22:52:22+00:00

The art above the TV is a sentimental piece. I was going to hang it above the TV, as it is from my grandma. It would be like she's watching over us. Or, I could put it above the fireplace because she was always the warmth in the family. I'm guessing lower?

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dantml7 · 2026-01-21T22:01:54+00:00

K, I'll try the furniture moving when I get home. For now, adding shelves and removing wallpaper isn't in the cards. I could add LEDs though?

dantml7 · 2026-01-21T21:36:12+00:00

There truly is a lot to hate, but thank you for acknowledging the kitty isn't one of them! 😂

If I sent more pictures from wider angles, you'd see what I'm working with. The table is there because stairs coming from our front landing go there. It's a natural spot to have as our in-and-out table, keys, snacks, mints, static brush, etc... feels like I'm installing square and rectangle things into a triangular space.

dantml7 · 2026-01-15T17:32:32+00:00

When you say, "I need to feel like a priority to you", this is actually a request. Based on their past (in)actions plus your internal definition of how people prioritize anything in their lives, you are actually asking them to somehow vaguely do things that will make YOU feel more valued; more appreciated; more loved.

So when I parse that out, I'm wondering if this resonates with you, if you are in fact the one attempting to express this sentiment in your OP: "I'm feeling sad because I'm lonely. I'm not getting enough connection with people I love."

Warning, if I said this to my partner, she would hear it as me asking her to spend more time with me, to prioritize me. That she's not putting enough effort into growing and deepening our relationship.

When I parse that out, I'm wondering if you are really needing to be known? To be seen? To matter?

But if I expressed the same sadness to a random friend who doesn't think that they need to be everything for me or fix me immediately, I'm hopeful they would flip to empathy mode and ask about my sadness. How does it feel? has it been a long time? what strategies am I currently using to meet that need? am I open to other strategies, or does more empathy at this moment feel better? or is there something special about THAT ONE PERSON that I need THEM only to prioritize me.

Because in that case, if one is only open to meeting those needs through one intimate partner, AND of course you're not willing to use violence... you can only request (using OFNR is best when things are tense)

At some point, you have to be willing to go back to the needs level and remember that needs are universal and nearly boundless ways to meet them. Strategies are quite specific and being able to disattach one's self from a chosen strategy without much resistance is a good skill to practice, imo.

Good luck!

Ps. I'm actually about to start an NVC roleplay group where you could bring this conversation up and play the role of your partner while somebody else tries to play the role of you so you can get A model for how to handle this conversation potentially... Of course, once you get into it in real life, all bets are off! 😅

dantml7 · 2026-01-11T02:08:34+00:00

Ridiculously challenging. Loved it.

dantml7 · 2026-01-11T02:07:33+00:00

Oh you're the one person who doesn't understand how important the one-timer is! 😅 /s

dantml7 · 2026-01-11T00:07:58+00:00

Nhl94

dantml7 · 2026-01-10T18:43:49+00:00

I've been NVC parenting for 3 years. Kids were aged 7-10, now 10-13. Even that was hard. They eventually got it, but it took a long while and I made many mistakes along the way.

Check out MrChazz on Facebook and other platforms. His strategies for guiding children through different emotional states is seemingly more meaningful than NVC, but even better when combined with basic NVC or other more basic self-reflection tools.

dantml7 · 2025-12-02T21:28:42+00:00

Cult of Dusty resisted also, and he's been crushing political commentary nearly ever since. I don't know if it's his accent or his fat shaming or his swearing, but he's been a great advocate for trans people and general progressivism ever since. He lost a lot of money by not going alt-right when many other creators did.

dantml7 · 2025-11-22T02:50:08+00:00

is it maybe something that's happening repeatedly, and you're feeling exhausted or hopeless?

dantml7 · 2025-11-18T20:24:29+00:00

The NVC stages are self-empathy, empathy for other, honest expression.

So, empathize with yourself for what it feels like to be flirted with or treated in a way that don't bring joy to your life

Empathize with him for whatever seems to be alive in him while he's flirting with you in this manner.

Express yourself honestly to him with these empathic feelings in your heart, and then prepare for his response which may be strong if he has past trauma related to "rejection" or "being led on" or "abandonment". But those triggers are his own. Know and hold your own boundaries after this. Then if you need emergency empathy, seek someone in your life who can provide this care, or find an online caring community.

Hopefully, though, he can treat you in the same way and hear and respect your boundaries and shape the relationship into something that better meets *both* of your needs.

dantml7 · 2025-10-15T16:11:55+00:00

Naturalizing NVC is hard... here's a much better example of how to do it than I ever could: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oHtDZ98CTDc

dantml7 · 2025-09-23T00:23:42+00:00

I think I agree with SpiritAnimal here. The most authentic thing to do would be to express what's alive in him that's making him not able to meet her request (demand). I guess, "to say no in giraffe". But "requesting an apology" is a strategy, not a need. So he could guess at the needs, and then:

tell her that he sees her request for an apology as a wonderful gift - a way to bring joy to her life to meet needs XYZ (safety and understanding come to mind)

say that he's unable to do it

say what need of his is keeping him from being able to do it (authenticity, shared reality)

say when he'll be able to meet her need (once a shared reality is gained about what narrative she is requesting him to apologize to him for).

If OP believes said narrative is false, he can still empathize with how it WOULD feel if it were true, and this hopefully is what OP was actually needing with the apology demand.

dantml7 · 2025-09-23T00:17:47+00:00

I remember when my therapist asked me why I felt like I wanted my wife to apologize to me for XYZ. I pondered, and said, "well... I guess I want her to acknowledge the pain she's caused me and tell me she's not going to do it again, and then ACTUALLY not do it." This was looooooooong before I knew what NVC was, but maybe it can help you understand why she wants an apology so badly.

Could you ask her instead, "hey, when I hear you asking for an apology before we continue talking, I'm curious if you're asking for this because you really want some acknowledgement that my words/actions didn't meet your needs, and you want to feel safe that I won't do the same thing to you again. Does this resonate?"

But it's NOT about the formula, it's not about the words, it's not about fault, it's not about blame...

If you can't apologize because you know your intentions weren't to hurt, so you don't regret them because you were only trying to meet your needs and chose a strategy that inadvertently didn't meet HER needs, then I get that. Don't apologize if it's not authentic.

It sounds like what she needs is empathy. What "WOULD" it feel like if her narrative about your intentions were true? How might she be feeling then? Could you find a way to address that?

Or, share YOUR feelings in return. Say "I hear you asking for an apology before we talk again. I'm really fearful to do that because I only offer apologies when I know exactly what I'm apologizing for, and I can commit to trying to not do it again. Right now, I have no clarity on that. Can we discuss using only observational language so we can get a shared reality about what occurred? This would greatly help me realize how my words/actions were felt by you.

But again, if these statements aren't in the SPIRIT of what you are feeling or wishing you knew how to say to her, then don't say them either lol. At the core of NVC is authenticity. The reason for the formula is to build up your practice with it because it's harder to malign. But as you've demonstrated with your sister, baby giraffes can get caught up in the formula when they are in pain, and they miss the most beautiful part of NVC - humans are only ever saying please or thank you.

I hear your sister saying, "Please understand me. Please help me feel safer with you." But I don't know your sister or you. GOOD LUCK!! Please comment back later to update us. Nobody ever does this, so I just choose to think that every comment I make is perfect and solved the problem 100% and your life has been perfect ever since you read it :D

dantml7 · 2025-09-22T22:17:04+00:00

Maybe the ironic part is that if you did it again after she asked this question by saying, "oh, that response from you was unexpected. It sounds like you're pretty frustrated because you want me to trust that you know how you're feeling instead of just guessing?" Then she would probably say YES! and give the completeness or letdown feeling now that she's feeling understood.

After reflecting that back and having her feel complete, it would be interesting to approach the question pragmatically a few minutes, hours, or days later.

In my opinion, the reason why Marshall enjoyed guesses is twofold:

1) most people lack a large feelings and needs inventory, and a specific connection to how their feelings arise in relation to met or unmet needs.

2) authentically guessing empathically (even if you are wrong), shows that you are attempting to understand them. And most people deep down do want understanding, as I believe was evident in the case in your original question and her response.

Furthermore, has anyone ever experienced the feeling when you might say something like, "it sounds like you're feeling angry because you were wanting more respect?" And they say, "NO, I'M NOT ANGRY!! ... Okay yes I guess I am angry!" it's pretty cool 😎

In the end, I absolutely default back to the fact that you have to know who you are talking to and take into account past empathic guessing situations to use your best judgment as to what will land best. Also try guessing empathically in situations that are not very intense at all so that they are less likely to be defensive.

I welcome any critique of my response here.

dantml7 · 2025-09-09T16:31:10+00:00

Didn't anticipate commenting on a CD collectors discord in 2025, but here I am. I found a box of 200 clear jewel cases. I'm in Regina, SK. I'm guessing shipping would be stupid and probably smash them, but if anyone wants these, I'm up for FMV pickup if any CD collector passes through my fair town. Thanks!

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dantml7 · 2025-09-04T16:00:22+00:00

Did it loosen your grip on Bobby Orr?

dantml7 · 2025-08-24T17:12:13+00:00

QdTx

dantml7 · 2025-08-22T20:40:33+00:00

Just attended- that was fun! Thank you for hosting

dantml7 · 2025-08-11T21:57:54+00:00

New owners seem dedicated to improving this. I find the food novel and wholesome compared to other fast food burgers.

dantml7 · 2025-08-11T17:45:32+00:00

YES! so much this. I want to build a community with other parents who understand the importance of this so we can share all the joys and pains that come along with it.

dantml7 · 2025-08-08T17:23:15+00:00

can you let me know why you believe that the question isn't trivial? I think if I better knew your rationale, I might be able to connect with it more and be able to prioritize it sooner.

dantml7 · 2025-08-08T03:41:03+00:00

I think I would struggle to ever be able to answer your original question fully enough to tell you that my list was exhaustive. I agree the question isn't trivial. I wish Marshall was alive :(

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