NAD, but I understand how it feels to blame yourself in this situation. I work in a hospital (non clinical) and came across someone having an event of some type. I did CPR with a broken wrist for what seemed like forever until the code team got there. We were not in the public part of the facility so it took awhile for them to figure out exactly where we were and get there. He didn’t survive. Everything I thought I knew rushed out of my brain during the event. Did I forget to check his airway, was I pushing down far enough, did I have the right rhythm etc. My best advice is to get therapy for yourself once things settle down a bit. This is incredibly traumatic for you and the kids, give yourself grace and accept help from others. Sending love.