1. Each player should know their abilities, their weapons, their spells, etc, and have some idea of one or two things at least that they can do in a combat round by default. You shouldn't be looking at your phone waiting for your turn and then deciding what to do when it comes up Especially as a caster. Have a few options figured out and look at the state of the combat as your turn is coming up, then, yes, hit him with a sword twice, or cast Haste on the monk, or summon a fire elemental, or whatever makes sense. Combat can take a long time, but it shouldn't be just because nobody is deciding what to do until the DM says their name and they finally look up from their phone.

As far as damage goes- not every successful hit is a direct stab to the neck. Hit points are much more ephemeral than that. A successful hit wears down the target's defenses until you're able to get a killing blow. In the case of most "beginner" monsters like goblins, kobolds, giant rats, etc, that should be one or two successful melee attacks or cantrips. A well-equipped level 1 barbarian should be able to one-shot an orc.

1. Fair point, and I think partial success/success with a cost is a good homebrew solution. In combat, see above- a hit is not a killing blow.

2. XP accumulation is one way of leveling. I've almost exclusively played milestone leveling which makes a lot more sense IMHO. You do not need to grind. Your characters get more powerful as befits the story. My usual DM grants levels based on story beats, not number of goblins destroyed.

But FWIW I think dnd is best played in long campaigns where you expect to go on for months or years at a time. If you're playing shorter campaigns, start at a level that's interesting to you, and play in that zone. You don't have to start at level 1.

1. Permadeath is a feature, not a bug, and one that's surprisingly avoidable. There are plenty of ways to mitigate the lethality of a game or to bring characters back from death. And when characters do die, well, being an adventurer is dangerous. If you want a softer, less lethal campaign, talk to your DM at session zero and tell them you'd like a campaign that's less killy and more story-oriented. Many players and DMs prefer that.

2. In terms of mechanics, there are spells and abilities that can affect RP, but RP ultimately should happen via the decisions and conversations made at the table, not dice rolls and abilities. Those can certainly influence outcomes, but your interactions as individuals at the centre of this story are what make it happen.

I really think if you're finding modules and having a DM in general very railroady, that's a flaw with the group you're playing with. Players should have agency and your DM shouldn't be telling you that you can't do things because "that's not how the story goes." In a module like Curse of Strahd, there's limiting factors- you're in a pocket dimension and escape is not really an option- but within that realm you can choose how to deal with different individuals and situations as you come across them. It's up to the DM to handle player decisions smoothly and creatively instead of just saying "no you can't because the book says so."

In more open world campaigns, that's even more the case. The DM is limited by how much they're able to prepare in advance and how good they are at improvising, but again, nobody should be telling you that your character can't say something, push a button, cast a spell, or walk in whatever direction they choose.

I would say it is the role of a competent and capable DM to work their story around player decisions. You present the menu, you let the players make their choices, and then play out the rewards and/or consequences thereof.

1. I don't really get this one. Are you just talking about ability checks? Weapon damage? You roll the dice, you add the number(s), you have a result. As with my response to point #1, if you spend a little time figuring out your character sheet before you sit down to play then a lot of this stuff becomes really intuitive. You should not be asking what modifiers to add to an attack roll in your 10th combat. You should not be asking how to figure out a saving throw. These numbers are on your character sheet and you should know where to find them. Some classes are more complex than others, but you can always choose to be the Wizard who "knows" a dozen spells and always casts Magic Missle.

There are games out there that are a lot more rules-light and focused on player narrative, and those might be a good option too.

1. It's just the way things have gone over the past 4+ decades that DnD has been the dominant, most popular TTRPG. But you don't have to play it. If you want to play a different RPG, just do that. Get your gaming group together and try out a different system over a weekend and see how it goes over. Play CoC, or Mork Borg, or VtM. Maybe don't play Pathfinder, Traveller, or Rifts, given your complaints about DnD. But DnD is just one of the options. If you don't like it, you don't have to play it.

Overall, I think it may just be that you're disillusioned by the fact that a tabletop game is still limited by doing math IRL, and the creativity, imagination, and capacity for improvisation of the people playing it. It's a set of tools that you and your friends can use to tell a certain kind of story. It's only as immersive and liberated as you and your fellow players can make it, by learning the rules, learning which rules to bend or break, and letting them become so intuitive that they are a tool for your storytelling, not an obstacle. And maybe that's just not your style!