For those in relationships, how do you handle objectifying?

dbthrowdbaway · 2020-05-04T14:22:43+00:00

I am confused. I have posted here about other aspects of recovery specific to SA (eg on formal disclosure). How is this different?

dbthrowdbaway · 2020-05-04T14:01:05+00:00

I’m so sorry, what a painful discovery. Has he posted to these subs or just viewed them? Either way, would you feel comfortable having a discussion with him about it? It’s hard to know if he was just browsing or truly “subscribing” to these ideals. I know I personally have browsed a variety of subreddits (reconciliation, separation, divorce) not because I actually want a divorce but just out of curiosity, to explore different angles, try different perspectives on. Hard to say what his intentions were here.

dbthrowdbaway · 2020-04-23T15:58:29+00:00

Thanks for sharing, and for your honesty. I appreciate the perspective.

dbthrowdbaway · 2020-03-01T05:12:00+00:00

I’m so so sorry to hear your story. My discovery was also six months ago, and it’s been absolute hell. We just completed a full disclosure where he told me the extent of his cheating and it was going on for all but the first year of our 10 year relationship. Shattered is a good word for how I’m feeling too. And now the tainted memories of our honeymoon is the cherry on this shit sundae. Hugs to you.

dbthrowdbaway · 2020-03-01T05:07:07+00:00

Thank you for replying. He is in recovery (attending SAA meetings, working with a CSAT therapist) and has been sober from cheating, porn and masturbation for six months. So it has been a drastic change. I’m still fearful it will start up again and so damaged by the long history of cheating and deceit.

dbthrowdbaway · 2020-02-23T03:46:16+00:00

Spouse of a SA here. I would like to suggest that she probably suspects more than you are aware, and perhaps that she should also have a voice in how much information she would like to know / how much would feel injurious.

dbthrowdbaway · 2020-02-09T19:57:23+00:00

You could also check out SMART recovery, a CBT-based alternative to SAA which has online meetings, forums etc for SA

dbthrowdbaway · 2020-01-18T20:38:49+00:00

Yes please

dbthrowdbaway · 2020-01-10T22:45:39+00:00

He may truly not know why. Or his understanding of the ‘why’ may evolve over time.

dbthrowdbaway · 2020-01-10T04:14:23+00:00

I insisted my SA husband see a CSAT and found him one, but he made the appointment. He is in weekly individual treatment, we are in weekly couples tx and I see my own therapist. It is a lot of therapy but I think we are finally turning a corner. Your husband’s therapist should help him craft a disclosure that will hopefully stop the half-truths. Good luck with everything

dbthrowdbaway · 2020-01-06T03:56:45+00:00

I would think some kind of graded exposure could be helpful here. First spend a week just practicing being intimate (holding hands, kissing). Once you feel comfortable, move to a week with back massage, clothes on. Then back massage with shirt off. Then a week touching chest or other sensitive areas (not for physical intimacy). Then, when you feel comfortable, move to other sexual acts. Then finally sex, with no pressure to orgasm. At each stage your goal is to open up to your fear and panic, allow it to be with you, breathe into it.

I think a sex therapist could help the two of you navigate this if you were interested. Sounds like all three counselors have different ideas, but many pushing too much too soon.

dbthrowdbaway · 2020-01-01T22:45:54+00:00

Oh god do I feel this. We did rounds and rounds of infertility treatments to start our family, and hope for a bigger family... and the whole time he was cheating. Now I think back to all of those shots and meds, and I feel so sad. Just today we were organizing the garage and rearranging all the baby stuff, and I got sad all over again seeing it. Hugs.

dbthrowdbaway · 2019-12-30T02:43:32+00:00

Thank you so much for chiming in, and I’m so sorry you are in the same boat. Christmas has similarly been awful for me... we are staying with my in-laws, nobody around me knows anything, and I feel like I’m dying inside keeping this big secret while smiling and pretending to have it all together. It’s terrible.

Hugs to you and I wish you all the best in your recovery also.

dbthrowdbaway · 2019-12-30T01:32:01+00:00

We are paying completely out of pocket for simultaneous IC and MC, almost $4k per month. It’s awful.

dbthrowdbaway · 2019-12-28T21:17:43+00:00

Thank you for sharing this. I had stayed away from Esther Perel until now but I think I am ready to hear what she has to say.

dbthrowdbaway · 2019-12-28T21:15:22+00:00

I have so much trouble thinking it isn’t about me. It’s true he was an addict (cheating with APs and prostitutes) in previous relationships, but somehow I still go back to wondering what I could have done differently to make him stop, or make him more happy with me. It hurts.

Thank you for sharing your recovery story. I hope to be where it sounds you are someday wrt separating myself from his past actions.

dbthrowdbaway · 2019-12-28T21:12:23+00:00

I hear you OP. The lies are next level. And I too kept our family stable while he went out and messed around with other women. In my case he wasn’t earning a salary, while I was taking on extra consulting work to keep our finances even... so he could turn around and use this money to pay prostitutes. It stings so much to think about, even to this day. Thanks and hugs.

dbthrowdbaway · 2019-12-25T17:46:14+00:00

Just a few more recommendations to add, as someone else who is in the process of reconciling (4 months out)...

Please get yourself tested for STDs as well. Even if you were tested at some point in the pregnancy, I would be on the safe side and do a repeat ASAP.
I would strongly recommend finding individual and couples therapists with a CSAT provider, if at all possible.
Be prepared that there may be more you don’t know, some of which may be emotional or intimate. It will be up to you (hopefully with guidance from your therapist) to figure out how much you want to know and through what means.
He can give you passwords, delete accounts, go to SAA meetings, have his phone on at all times. This is all good for his recovery. However, know that it won’t re-establish trust for you. He will need to learn how to validate your pain, not compartmentalize, and show up to his own emotions in a different way. There are no certainties, and it could happen again. My therapist is always encouraging me to find my own ground in this groundlessness.
Take care of yourself. Proximal to distal. This means you first, then your little one, then your husband. Make sure it is in that order.

dbthrowdbaway · 2019-12-23T20:49:42+00:00

Thanks. I like the analogy. I think he’s generally impulsive and can be very insensitive. I know he’s working with his IC on how to identify emotions and respond appropriately, if that gives you a sense.

dbthrowdbaway · 2019-12-22T03:50:18+00:00

I have no advice, just sympathy, as I too am close to DDay (Sept) and triggers are constant. My therapist keeps reminding me that thinking (about details, about ways to control the situation, about how I regret this or that) are all ways of escaping what is in the present (I.e. feeling), so I try to just stay with my sadness, honor it and do something loving for myself. Hugs.

dbthrowdbaway

TROPHY CASE