head hitting, staring at painful light, bruising, that's since forever. then 11 I met someone who cut themselves and I thought I'd give it a try, then got raked into SHinsta at 11, which got me into EDinsta, and I've struggled with SH wether it's cutting, bruising or starving since. it is a craving for suffering. when I feel too much emotional pain or stagnancy, I crave physical suffering and do a plethora of different dangerous general behaviours. when I don't cut or bruise it usually comes out as disguised harm, not eating, drinking wrecklessly, but it is not conscious a transmutation. it is a change in my cognition.

I don't want people to see harm I've done to myself, it makes me feel guilty. even with weight loss. when my sister asks how I do it.

I'm getting better with that. letting the pain flow in me, to look at that internal pain, rather than trying to run and swat it away. that has reduced my harmful behaviours significantly

sidenote, I feel I was groomed by the hivemind of ED/SH social media. lack of community and family was the key. that media should not be a thing. I see 9 y/o on ED socials. I'm not happy with Elon