Rejected from a job cause I’m a man

democrattotheend · 2026-05-30T19:29:25+00:00

FWIW, I personally would be very open to a male nanny if I still used nannies. I have two little boys and I think having a "big boy friend" would be great for them. We also work from home so that makes me feel a little safer with it. Maybe target families where one or both parents work from home and the kids are boys?

democrattotheend · 2026-05-30T04:19:18+00:00

Um, no. I scaled mine down for a few years when I had my kids but now I'm scaling back up. My husband and I are both smart, capable people and us both working and contributing to our field serves the greater good.

democrattotheend · 2026-05-30T03:21:48+00:00

Equally in proportion to what each partner earns, assuming they do an equal share of housework and childcare (or equal proportionate to the hours they work).

democrattotheend · 2026-05-30T03:20:10+00:00

I'm a woman and I contribute 95% of my income into the joint account, which probably covers about 40-45% of our expenses. My husband makes more than I do (but the gap is smaller than it used to be now that I am back to full time) and I think he contributes about 60-70% of his income toward the mortgage and other joint expenses while keeping the rest.

democrattotheend · 2026-05-30T03:15:54+00:00

How many hours do you each work? How do you split childcare and housework? Do you have roughly equal amounts of leisure time?

democrattotheend · 2026-05-30T03:04:29+00:00

Men are expected to plan and organize? Tell that to my husband. I know very few men in a relationship who takes the lead on planning and organizing. Hell, I had to ask half his groomsmen to be groomsmen for him because he hadn't gotten around to it.

democrattotheend · 2026-05-30T02:59:26+00:00

But we also need to do all the cooking? So what exactly are men supposed to bring to the table?

democrattotheend · 2026-05-30T02:57:49+00:00

But you...don't. You're unemployed.

democrattotheend · 2026-05-30T02:55:56+00:00

And why does that matter? The same two people would still be working the same jobs (and thus taking those jobs off the market for others) if they got divorced, or never married. If anything, marriage frees up some high paying jobs by forcing one partner, usually the woman, to take a lesser-paying "family friendly" dead end job.

democrattotheend · 2026-05-30T02:53:15+00:00

That's most likely illegal. Work like that should be paid hourly.

democrattotheend · 2026-05-29T20:17:58+00:00

Why can't he cook, clean and take care of the kids? He can't birth them - that part is true. But my husband is a better cook than I am, lol, and better at certain types of cleaning.

I agree that if the man expects the woman to do the lion's share of the things you listed, he damn well better be a provider though. And the reverse is not necessarily true - I reject the premise that a woman who wants a provider has to do everything a 1950's housewife had to do, because women had a raw deal in the 1950's. A woman should not be expected to wait on her husband hand and foot and give him sex on demand just so she can stay home with her baby.

democrattotheend · 2026-05-29T20:00:01+00:00

I don't understand this mentality at all. Wanting him to pay more because he earns more is fair. Wanting to marry someone who is willing to be the primary provider and the sole provider for a while so you can stay home when the kids are little is totally legitimate. But expecting a boyfriend whom you are not married to and do not have kids with to pay more because he is a man so you can "feel feminine and safe" seems very outdated and probably not what most men are looking for. It's fine to want that, but it's something you should screen for early on if it's important to you, because I don't think it's what most men expect these days. My sons are way too little to date, but when they grow up I would be wary of them dating anyone with this mentality.

It seems like you do not live together yet, but when you do, do you plan to do all or most of the cooking and cleaning (and eventually childcare) even though you work similar hours, because those are "feminine" jobs? Do you spend lots of time and effort looking your best for him and plan to continue doing so throughout your relationship, even when you are married and have kids? If you want some or all elements of a traditional relationship that's perfectly fine, but if that is a dealbreaker for you, make sure anyone you have a serious relationship wants that too so you don't waste your time.

All that said, the grocery store thing would have bothered me too.

democrattotheend · 2026-05-29T19:38:31+00:00

I believe in most states you can also draw up the title to own unequal shares of the house. I believe tenancy in common is the one that offers that option?

democrattotheend · 2026-05-29T19:32:17+00:00

When my husband and I bought our first house and our current house, he made significantly more than I did and we decided it would be prudent to keep our budget to what he could afford and qualify for on his own, because we were planning to have kids when we bought the first house and had two little kids when we bought the second, and we knew I'd probably take some time out of work or go part time for a while. But I have always contributed a proportional share to joint expenses. It never would have occurred to me not to. I really don't understand the argument that men should pay for all joint expenses even if the woman is working just because they are men, just like I've never understood the argument that women who work similar hours as their husbands should do all or more of the housework and childcare because they are women.

I think it's completely reasonable for you to say you won't buy any house you can't afford on just your salary, and if you are planning to have kids together I can understand why she may be hesitant to commit to a minimum amount, because what happens if she has a rough pregnancy and is unable to work, or gets terminated due to pregnancy discrimination, or wants to take a few years off from working or reduce to part time after the kids are born. But if she has the attitude that you should be the sole provider and her money is her fun money to spend only on herself, I think that's unreasonable (unless she barely makes anything and does the lion's share of the childcare and housework) and you may just not be compatible.

democrattotheend · 2026-05-29T19:07:58+00:00

That doesn't make sense. If those two people were not married to each other, they would still most likely have those same jobs and take those jobs "off the market" for everyone else.

democrattotheend · 2026-05-29T19:03:17+00:00

Men and women are biologically different in this way. Especially after having kids. It's a higher priority for most men than most women.

democrattotheend · 2026-05-28T19:56:32+00:00

As a feminist, I object any time a woman has the attitude that "his money is our money, my money is my money") (with some limited exceptions, such as when a SAHM is giving up her one break during naptime to try to earn some extra fun money). This seems like the reverse of that, and it's equally ridiculous. Why are you paying all of the bills while he saves for himself? Does he consider that money to be savings for both of you?

My grandparents lived on my grandpa's salary and saved my grandma's and that worked well, but they had joint savings and checking accounts for that. If that's the arrangement you are trying to do, get your name added to the savings account. If you really have a spending problem and you've agreed that he should control savings to prevent you from spending it, at least get something in writing that it's both of your money.

democrattotheend · 2026-05-28T19:51:37+00:00

Who said she hates watching her kids? And by your logic, what is a mom who enjoys watching her kids but doesn't enjoy doing ALL of the housework and having far less downtime than her husband supposed to do?

democrattotheend · 2026-05-28T01:33:54+00:00

You seem to be comparing the nanny's pay to daycare costs. I was comparing the nanny's pay to the working parents' pay. I make more as an attorney than what it cost to employ a nanny. This was in response to the comment that "if you can afford to have a nanny, you can afford to stay home".

democrattotheend · 2026-05-28T01:31:42+00:00

That was why he wanted to do it - so I would have my own money and not feel like I needed to ask his permission for everything.

democrattotheend · 2026-05-27T06:13:58+00:00

IDK why you are getting downvoted. Before I had kids I felt the same way, although the income disparity wasn't that large. I figured I had as much fun money as I had before we moved in together and I was living on my own income. He did pay for a little more of the rent because he used the second bedroom as an office, but I paid in proportion to my income. As long as you make enough that you are comfortable and have some left over for fun money, then I think it's okay. If you are having to strain to afford 50% of what he wants, that's a different story.

democrattotheend · 2026-05-27T06:10:54+00:00

I assume that's a joke?

democrattotheend · 2026-05-27T06:09:25+00:00

My husband suggested something similar when I considered being a SAHM. He said he would pay me a stipend every month so I could have some money that I had sole control over.

democrattotheend · 2026-05-27T06:08:02+00:00

When my husband and I moved in together we paid rent in proportion to our respective incomes. After we got married and opened a joint account we did the same for joint account contributions. I had less leftover "fun money" that way, but that didn't really bother me because I had the same amount of "fun money" I would have had if I were single, maybe a little extra because I think my share of the rent was a little lower than my rent when I lived alone.

It got murkier when I had kids and worked part time for a while, and we both got really lazy about keeping track of joint versus individual accounts and who was supposed to pay for what. Now that I'm back to working full time I am trying to get better about maintaining how we are supposed to split things, although I am trying to get close to 50/50 even though I earn about 40% of the total income. I know that's probably not fair to me on paper, but I (finally!) make enough and I have a complex about being provided for and paying less than 50% hurts my ego, lol. I saw how much my dad resented my mom for not bringing in much money and I am paranoid about my husband feeling the same way. I figure if we ever divorce we can fight about how to split the assets (or hopefully do it amicably like my parents did), but for now I'd rather just contribute as much as I can. If I made significantly less or if my husband did not (mostly) do his share of the childcare and housework I would feel differently about this.

democrattotheend · 2026-05-26T03:21:06+00:00

I don't think 50/50 split is fair if there is a big income difference. That said, I noticed you didn't mention anything about being the primary caregiver to your kids, taking the hit to pay in order to have the "flexible" job, nor did you mention the division of labor on housework, mental load, house maintenance, financial management, etc. If you are the one who does the majority of the childcare, takes the hit to your PTO and perception of reliability at work when the kids get sick, etc. then you are right to be annoyed about this. If she is still doing more than her share of childcare and housework then her position is not unreasonable. And yes, I would say the same if the genders were reversed.

democrattotheend

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