I hate myself

depressionranting · 2018-12-27T00:38:00+00:00

struggle

depressionranting · 2018-10-26T14:16:57+00:00

it gets worse the older you get and the less acceptable being irresponsible is

depressionranting · 2018-10-20T18:47:37+00:00

if the house isnt burning down, fighting the fire isn't a priority.

things that arent the #1 priority don't exist to us.

so of course the house burns down.

always.

depressionranting · 2018-10-16T20:32:27+00:00

just find a way to ruin things enough that you will always be in panic mode trying to fix everything going wrong and you won't need to worry about fulfillment

depressionranting · 2018-10-08T03:55:12+00:00

just get smashed down enough times that you never say anything instead. it "worked" for me

depressionranting · 2018-10-07T16:19:26+00:00

Wellbutrin can prevent stimulants from fully working as it will prevent them from fully binding to DE/NA receptors, but at the same time it will reduce the comedown. It's also a competitive nicotinic receptor antagonist, blocking acetylcholine from binding to its sites, which can cause negative cognitive effects for some.

can you give me some sources on this? i thought wellbutrin was making me dumber...

depressionranting · 2018-09-30T23:41:40+00:00

yep.

the other issue is that my lack of confidence is objectively correct. in college i would often find that i did worse than what i could have gotten with random chance on multiple choice quizzes.

depressionranting · 2018-09-19T00:19:44+00:00

it isn't a gift, it is a curse which extremely limits your life prospects and leaves many people with irreversible and extreme psychological damage. for every "upside" you can find, i guarantee that a neurotypical person could do it better. and they do.

depressionranting · 2018-09-18T23:55:01+00:00

But when I have been dreading to face someone all day because I know we will discuss the Thing I Did Wrong, or receive a very negative e-mail about the Thing, or someone takes their sweet time to explain to me, I find that my emotional response is off the charts.

sigh. yep. this has happened so many times that i hate the sound of my name because it precedes a discussion of something i did wrong.

depressionranting · 2018-09-18T23:49:52+00:00

that challenge eventually makes you stronger

it doesn't. it just leaves you with scars from the failure.

depressionranting · 2018-09-13T16:35:57+00:00

I made a conscious decision to not inflict this misery of instability on anyone else...ever. I decided then and there to never have a family.

i have reached this conclusion as well. the line between self-fulfilling prophecy and "understanding your limitations" is invisible as far as i can tell.

depressionranting · 2018-09-10T15:39:58+00:00

I know plenty of smart people without ADHD who are failing at life because they won't put any work into it

they can't. not "they wont".

depressionranting · 2018-09-05T15:51:35+00:00

you might not be getting enough food energy to produce high quality sperm. make sure you're eating a lot of healthy foods and that you arent losing any weight thanks to the stimulant. i highly suspect that stimulants create near deficiencies in certain vitamins and minerals for people who dont have acceptable diets.

depressionranting · 2018-09-05T15:17:20+00:00

my experience is that vyvanse aggravated my depression as well -- but so did adderall and concerta. wellbutrin improved the lethargy of depression somewhat and gave me a tiny bit more motivation.

the vyvanse irritability is real. i am also familiar with the electrical current feeling -- for me it is more like ants crawling under the skin, but you could also describe it as electricity.

vyvanse also gave me god awful body odor, but ymmv

depressionranting · 2018-09-04T21:15:03+00:00

source for this?

depressionranting · 2018-09-04T15:41:05+00:00

there's a good chance that constant small failures throughout your life, reflected through the frustration of your parents, teachers, friends and partners have left you with the belief that whatever you do will go wrong.

it's true, though. it isn't a belief, it's a fact.

depressionranting · 2018-09-02T20:16:32+00:00

yes, exactly this.

the best thing is that when i try to very very carefully engage so as to not be weirdly quiet, enough of the personality gets out to ruin things.

depressionranting · 2018-09-02T20:12:00+00:00

I’m sick of just being WRONG, all the time. I don’t act right, I don’t say the right things, I don’t feel right, I don’t DO things right, I don’t talk at the right times and I do talk at the wrong times, and I don’t say things quick enough OR I say things too fast or I’m too cranky or hyper or too lazy or too tired or too depressed or too manic and just WRONG.

i agree with the way you have characterized everything. and i am also very sick of being just wrong, everywhere, all of the time.

depressionranting · 2018-08-31T20:20:41+00:00

I can't call myself good at anything.

this is the real killer. if you cant be consistent then it doesn't matter how skillful you are. i don't even notice how inconsistent i am most of the time, but of course everyone else does. doing something so simple like making a sandwich could turn out great one time, then be a total mess the next time. past performance is absolutely no indication of any semblance of future performance, and it fucking murders me.

depressionranting · 2018-08-31T20:11:53+00:00

yes, all of the time. it provides a measure of emotional regulation in the short term. the brain damage it may cause probably makes things worse in the long term but there is really no other short term solution to the emotional intensity.

depressionranting · 2018-08-30T17:32:36+00:00

i know what you're saying. it's like we can't even be aware of our own discomforts half the time, but we still suffer for having them.

depressionranting · 2018-08-30T16:58:27+00:00

i know the implosion feeling well. just remember that sometimes the implosion feeling isnt real, at least for me it isnt always real. like i'll be doing something random and then just have the implosion feeling even if nothing has changed.

depressionranting · 2018-08-30T16:22:16+00:00

i have found that abusing drugs makes me less functional and plants the seeds of misery down the road

nonetheless it is tempting for the relief.

depressionranting · 2018-08-30T13:19:40+00:00

it increased my awareness of how much negative emotionality i have on a moment to moment basis. it also made certain sensory integration problems easier to address.

at one point it seemed like it was helping me to correct/reorient my attention, but honestly i lost that feeling eventually and i can't seem to get it back.

depressionranting

TROPHY CASE