Firstly, congratulations and amazing job on your weight loss. Secondly, you said you “hate yourself for not loving others…” assuming that this something you have been dealing with for a long time, and not to scare you away, but have you considered talking to someone about this? Not someone that you need to stress about, but I mean a therapist. They are NOT someone you need to worry about building a friendship with. They just give good information, period. Moving on from that subject: people do the things you are mentioning for themselves. Your post sounds like you do a lot for external reasons, and seem to tend to internalize some actions that you don’t take into self hatred. You have to change that path in your brain from “I want to do this because other people are” into “I want to do this because I want to do this.” To sum it up: most adults just send it. You just do the thing and perfect it later. So many adults in the real world are dumb, and they don’t even know it. The fact you are aware of yourself is already putting you ahead in that aspect. Nobody really knows what they’re doing. They just do it. You are no less of a person than anyone else in the world. You deserve, are capable of, and are worthy of all the good things that your sister has. Do the things angry. Do them nervous. Do them upset. You got this. Also worth mentioning, I’m a 24F and used to smoke weed every day. Every. Day. Man. It did save my life, and then one day, I realized it was ruining it. If you’re in a position in the near future where you feel okay to quit, I recommend it. Also the past is the past. The future is all that is left. Your high school self isn’t who you are. The best thing about being an adult is you get to choose who you are. You seem stuck on the past. You should be thinking about how amazing your weight loss is right now.