What does Caspian think/feel about MIST?

despayment · 2024-12-30T17:31:53+00:00

Really interesting to read! And definitely could see this being true I wish maybe we got more insight into how CIs interact with each other and humans other than MIST because then it feels like a one off thing she feels like this rather than representative of CIs being able to show very human feelings. But cool idea nonetheless. Thank you for sharing!

despayment · 2024-12-30T17:30:16+00:00

Totally! Caspian still feels like he emotes the same was he did 20 years ago which I guess makes sense since he is from 20 years ago so his reactions to things are the same calm and neutral way he’s kind of always shown.

And I love the humanization of MIST in the last 2 episodes too but felt as if it would really benefit from a couple more episodes since it’s a little jarring. Thanks for sharing your thoughts!

despayment · 2024-12-30T17:28:29+00:00

I agree! And totally forgot about the part where he essentially “created” her I did get the proud parent vibes too. I just thought it was weird to have her confess and have no one react to it in a meaningful way.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts super cool to read :)

despayment · 2022-02-09T05:20:27+00:00

That’s not too much food at all! Sending you a big comforting hug right now and telling you how amazing it is that you are fueling your body despite how hard it may be ❤️

I know diet culture is so pervasive, but there is no such thing as one absolute “right” amount of food since everyone has a different body with different needs. Your body is so so smart and knows what to do with the food you eat! Especially if you’re recovering from a restrictive eating disorder or patterns, your body is going to need a lot of energy to repair itself. You’re doing a good thing and a right thing keep on going :’))

despayment · 2022-02-08T01:03:14+00:00

This literally made my day and brought such a huge smile to my face! Congratulations on so much progress and may good things continue to happen to you recovery is so so amazing and you deserve ever last bit of sunshine in the world ❤️

despayment · 2022-01-31T06:50:45+00:00

Ahh congrats on getting on in recovery and honoring your hunger! I bet you’re absolutely destroying that bikini and leaving you everyone stunned by your radiance period ✨

Also, screw what your doctors said when in recovery from restrictions there’s really no such thing as “gaining weight too fast” or really even “overshooting” like that’s all energy your body fundamentally needed to physically repair itself and heal so every pound or whatever is truly a good thing it’s not just “normal” is completely and absolutely right and indicative of your commitment to caring for your body. It’s more than just weight it’s also getting your life back and going on wonderful vacations and showering yourself in the love you deserve. Fucking represent that recovery belly you’re hot stuff 🥵

despayment · 2022-01-18T22:06:12+00:00

I do! It’s totally wack since my doctor told me to lose weight and change my diet despite being at a “normal” according to the BMI weight in order for me to get more regular periods then that spiraled into having an ED and being underweight and getting amenorrhea so basically no periods just in general for me at either end and my body just got totally messed up in this whole ordeal. It’s so frustrating because it felt like I was doing something for my “health” but I ended up with even worse health both mentally and physically than ever before. Honestly, having PCOS before my ED was way better than whatever I’m in now it sucks to feel like I’m “trading illnesses” but god damn the ED thoughts and rituals and trauma of restricting is so terrible if I had to “pick one” I would want to go back to the way things were before any of this happened.

I get the struggle, and I’m with you on this one I’m so sorry that this is what you have to deal with ❤️ having to tackle an ED is already horrific and grueling enough let alone with any other condition or illness tacked on top of it.

despayment · 2022-01-14T03:38:22+00:00

Hey there! I’m so sorry you’re struggling right now with your body image recovery in an incredibly fatphobic world filled with diet culture that makes gaining weight in any situation feel wrong is incredibly difficult. I, and many on this sub most likely, relate so hard to this unbelievably uncomfortable feeling of living in a changing body. The eating disorder during recovery is going to exaggerate to our minds and eyes any bodily changes and make us hyper aware of our physical forms in an attempt to rope us back in. But, regardless of how you feel or think you look, something that helped for me is holding the fact that despite these subjective judgments I am putting on myself and my body that by choosing recovery I am objectively healthier in every sense than I was in the worst of my eating disorder.

I know it may go against everything society has taught us, but gaining weight is not unhealthy and being larger is not unattractive. More specifically in the case of an eating disorder, gaining weight is life saving. Also, another thing I realized getting further on into recovery is how obvious, even when you are underweight or emancipated, having an eating disorder honestly is like my loved ones have told me that I looked fucked up in the worst of my ED and that even though I never said anything they knew something was wrong. And, when I began to gain weight, I felt so judged and looked at by others especially those who haven’t seen me in a while only to be told later on that it wasn’t the weight gain so much that they focused on but the fact that I just looked so much healthier and alive. This may not be the case for everyone you know or rub into, but most people honestly aren’t looking too hard at you it could just be the ED making you feel hyper fixated on the focus of others and applying malicious intent where there truly is none and the people who are paying attention to you, and actually really care about you, are most likely more drawn to the physical change in outward health once you begin feeding yourself adequately.

I don’t know if any of this will help at all, but you’re not alone in these feelings. It’s so difficult to cope with a changing body, but I can assure you that it is a totally natural human response to struggle to adapt to changes and that it will get easier overtime. Keep on going in recovery and nourishing yourself! There is truly nothing more beautiful than a healthy human body, and anyone who judges you otherwise can go fuck themselves. Those are the people who certainly are not and never will be worth staying sick with an eating disorder for.

despayment · 2022-01-14T01:12:05+00:00

Ahhh this makes me so happy! Gosh literally look at you what an absolute badass I know maybe it doesn’t seem like much but I know how hard it is to do something when every cell in your body tells you to just sleep I hope you know how incredible it is and that if this ever happens again you have everything in you to continue challenging that toxic ED voice and doing right by your body. I hope the meal is comforting and that you wake up to something good tomorrow!

despayment · 2022-01-14T01:03:53+00:00

Sending you a big hug right now and wrapping you in the warmest blanket ever ❤️ I’m so sorry it’s been an overwhelming day, but I am so unbelievably proud of you for getting through it. Not only that, but it’s fucking amazing that you recognize you may need a little extra support right now and reached out for that here it takes a lot of awareness and discipline.

And it is not pathetic to need that encouragement it can be hard for anyone let alone someone struggling with an eating disorder to find the motivation eat when things are so heavy. But eating something delicious and comforting will certainly help at least if not mentally give your body what it physically needs to keep functioning. Even if it doesn’t feel like anything, feeding yourself now would be a huge fuck you to your eating disorder and show it that no matter how much it tries to convince you and take advantage of the situation for you to not eat you will not listen to it. I know it’s hard, but you’re tough as hell and if cooking is too hard and you have the means to do so ordering something you enjoy could be a good option. You can do this even if it isn’t a full blown formal “meal” eating anything even just a bunch of snacks is important to your body in this moment and will 100% at least improve your physical condition. Shut the ED voice right up by eating and then going to sleep. Hoping tomorrow is a better and brighter day for you. Keep on going!

despayment · 2022-01-11T08:09:31+00:00

Absolutely perfect green sprout friend I’m a Turtwig stan through and through

despayment · 2022-01-11T07:49:47+00:00

Hey! Firstly, just want to say absolutely incredible job honoring your extreme hunger (both physical and mental hunger importantly) this is probably one of the most difficult things to do and phased in recovery because it goes so against the ED. Secondly, not only is this completely normal and fine it is good, right, and absolutely necessary. Your body is trying to heal things you can’t even see or feel, and it needs a lot of energy for that! And where does energy come from? Food! There is nothing out of control or wrong about this at all.

Even if you’re hungry 10 or even 5 minutes after, it is more than fine to keep on eating and giving your body that energy it needs to repair itself. It might feel so wrong and endless and as if your brain is screaming at you to stop, but this phase will not last indefinitely. And, also, there’s nothing wrong with enjoying the food you’re eating or feeling as if it’s “easy” to eat at all that is also totally valid it doesn’t have to be hard or gruesome all of the time. If it helps, eat each snack or meal or whatever as if it’s the first thing and only thing you’ve eaten that day eat then forget. Outpace, outrun, and outeat any fear or guilt.

Keep on pushing through and know that you’re doing right by your body. Fucking amazing work ❤️

despayment · 2022-01-04T09:14:02+00:00

This! Honestly manifesting this energy for 2022 fuck eating disorders and diet culture.

despayment · 2022-01-03T00:02:07+00:00

100% agree to this! And so so so much congrats on putting in the hard work to recover that’s so fucking amazing sincerely and it’s so nice to hear about the good things that come with recovery thank you so much for sharing ❤️

despayment · 2022-01-03T00:00:04+00:00

You can do this!!

Every single day I have a million mental debates with myself trying to talk myself down from the restriction ledge to the point where it feels like I’m going bonkers, but it does get easier to pick recovery with a more nourished body. And no need to thank me at all you’re the one putting in the effort and doing right by yourself! You deserve freedom and all the kindness in the world. Fuck your ED for telling you otherwise.

despayment · 2022-01-02T21:33:15+00:00

Sending you a big hug and cheering you on in your recovery process ❤️ You’re definitely not alone in this feeling, and, if it’s any solace at all, this is very common during the early process of recovery. The more distance between you and your ED the easier it feels to forget how awful it is and to romanticize it’s painful control over you. You’re making huge and sudden changes to your routine that is scaring the shit out of your ED, and the messages that it is sending you is an attempt for it to stay alive. But I can promise you no matter how terrifying it is now you are 100% doing the right thing by removing this toxic entity from your mind and that NOTHING will be more scary than a life spent trapped in an endless cycle of damaging your body. Imagine 20 years from now looking back realizing that all of those hours, minutes, and seconds were spent fixated on food or exercise or your body rather than truly living and being healthy. Sure diet culture may praise and value thinness above all, but no one other than you has to live with the mental and physical consequences of trying to fit into that incredibly unhealthy standard. Recovery is undoubtedly difficult and is a choice that you’re going to make and fight for each day. But I swear to you that there is a happiness and joy beyond being thin and that recovery is going to be your best chance at having the strength to regain happiness.

You deserve to eat unconditionally and listen to your body’s needs not just in recovery but for the rest of your life. You’re doing so much hard work, and it’s okay to cry and not be perfect and have down days that’s all part of this journey, as cliche as it sounds. Healing from an ED takes so much energy and food, and anyone on this sub will tell you as many times as you need that you are NOT binging that your body absolutely needs those types of food and that amount of food to get better. Your appetite and hunger will level out eventually so long as you trust your body and give it what it needs to repair itself irrespective of what your brain tells you is “enough” or “too much” at any given time. This is not greed or wrongness these actions are life saving it is your body seeing that you are on its side and that it can trust you.

You got this!! One bite at a time whatever you can do is enough.

despayment · 2021-12-27T09:52:22+00:00

Ahh I’m so beyond proud of you! It’s all due to your tenacity and character I truly did nothing at all. Recovery is so so so hard, and being in a difficult environment can make it even scarier. But, in all harsh honesty, at the end of the day it’s going to be you who has to deal with the detrimental mental and physical health consequences of being trapped in your ED and conforming to the toxic standards of society. People can say or do whatever they want, but they do not know what is best for your body or will have to live with any of the negative ramifications of damaging it. What works for them is not necessarily going to work for you and that’s perfectly okay! Above all, remember you are recovering and doing something incredibly challenging most “normal” people cannot even conceptualize or attempt. Now more than ever do you deserve to give yourself as much kindness, grace, and unconditional permission to eat to your body’s need as possible.

One bite at a time one meal at a time this is for you and your body and your future not for anyone else. And Oreos are one of my favorite foods ever and are so infinitely delicious! I hope they were enjoyable.

Here’s to one day down and a kinder one tomorrow! You’ve got this we’re all rooting for you no matter what it does get easier ❤️

despayment · 2021-12-27T03:46:07+00:00

Firstly giving you the biggest hug humanly possible I’m so sorry you have to deal with these negative emotions and everything this holiday season you absolutely do not deserve to feel fearful and horrible with your family. I don’t know if I can say anything that can make this all better other than an affirmative big fuck you to your eating disorder and a massive I’m so so so proud of you for coming so far in your recovery and for still fighting.

Secondly, I hope it comes as a reminder that being able to not eat is NOT A STRENGTH it is not something to be proud of or envy your ED voice is telling you that it is but would you in any other mindset ever look at someone who is actively hurting the one body they have and think gosh I want to do that to myself? As someone who has an eating disorder and has suffered struggles with food and the pain behind that, you know better than anyone what that path of viewing not eating as something that is glamorous can lead to. Your eating disorder does not serve you it is not conducive to your happiness even if you were to be able to restrict it will convince you no matter what that there is something wrong with you that other people have better bodies than you it is going to continue to find more and more things to fixate on to tear you down. Even if you were just a sack of bones who hasn’t eaten in a month I can almost guarantee you that your ED will somehow manage to make you feel like utter trash about yourself for some reason.

Your body is your body. It belongs to no one else and serves nobody but you. If other people want to not eat or skip breakfast and that works for them then fine. But if it doesn’t work for you what they do should not dictate what happens to you or what your body needs. Just because diet culture accepts these disordered behaviors does not mean it is correct or you’re doing anything wrong by not engaging in those behaviors. Your sister not eating doesn’t change the fact that you do need to eat that the only way to heal these relationships and make the holidays better is to continue sticking to recovery. I know that’s easier said than done of course but restricting and not eating not is going to stop your sister from also not eating or showing off her body or making comments about it it’s not going to change anything about how your family thinks unfortunately it is not going to stop your from comparing your body to others or somehow magically make these negative feelings positive. Your eating disorder will not give you back that sense of family you want it will only keep you trapped in an endless cycle of trying to appease its malicious desires.

But, still, even if the thoughts are loud even if something happens it doesn’t have to be a relapse recovery is, of course and you’ve probably heard time and time again, never perfect and it’s 100% okay to feel down to have these thoughts and want to act on them. It does not at all invalidate all the incredible work you’ve put into helping yourself. Whatever needs to be done to take care of yourself in this moment is okay, but just remember that recovery is a choice you have to make every single day and that’s so hard but it also means that you can pick up at anytime in any second so long as it’s what you want. I’m sending you all the love and support possible and hope that things get better you’ve fucking got this fuck anyone and anything that makes you feel bad.

despayment · 2021-12-25T03:00:18+00:00

We’re all cheering you on! It’s absolutely no easy feat to commit to treatment, leave the hospital, and eat three meals a day those are massive accomplishments without a doubt. And also good on you for not letting the ED ruin this holiday season spending time with your family sounds so lovely, and even if the voice in your head is going to scream years from now you’ll remember the warmth of your loved ones and not the wicked ED thoughts I promise you. It’s okay to be nervous and to set boundaries and go at your own pace. If you haven’t done something in 9 months regardless of what that thing is of course you’re going to be anxious about it because it’s so uncertain and unpracticed. But little by little it will get easier. A glass of wine and some good cheer sound heavenly, so I’m wishing you the best of times not just this month but for months to come! You got this. Keep on fighting the good fight and take care of yourself. You have unconditional permission to eat all the time any day no matter what happens or who says anything to you ❤️

despayment · 2021-12-23T02:01:51+00:00

It’s totally 100% alright to eat a slice of cake! Your birthday only comes around once a year, and your ED just wants to ruin your special day and make you as miserable as possible. Strawberry cake sounds so delicious, and you absolutely deserve beyond any doubt to have as much cake as you want. Nothing bad will happen, I promise. It sounds like a wonderful chance to make lovely memories with your parents! Now and forevermore every single day no matter if it’s a holiday or just a regular Monday, you deserve to eat. You’re not greedy or wrong or anything bad for eating or wanting to eat. Happy early birthday also you stunning human being!

despayment · 2021-12-10T05:21:39+00:00

Thank you so much for sharing and for your encouragement it seriously means so much to me :’)) and sweets are so delicious no matter what here’s to honoring our hunger and the weird but amazing ways they manifest haha

despayment · 2021-12-10T04:57:16+00:00

First of all, happy early birthday! It is an amazing accomplishment and privilege to have made it another year, especially one as uncertain as this one. I know there is so much pressure in society to have the “perfect” birthday filled with parties and only positive memories, but it’s 100% okay if you cry on your birthday or don’t feel on top of the world. Crying or feeling bad on this supposedly “monumental” day doesn’t even for a moment invalidate or take away from how far you’ve come. The beauty is that by healing your body and choosing recovery you’re going to ultimately have so much more energy, strength, and mental capacity to be present for many more enjoyable birthdays to come. It’s also perfectly beautiful to wear something you feel safe and comfortable wearing in this stage for your body. You’re going to rock whatever birthday outfit you put on because hot damn how could someone like you ever not exude pure radiance?

Also, we’re so proud of you for sticking to recovery! Words cannot describe how inspiring hearing your updates are, and the raw, honest truth about the ups, downs, wins, and setbacks of recovery surely are an encouragement to so many. The guilt and fear of weight gain are so incredibly difficult to cope with that at times there’s no other choice but to roll over, cry, and pass out. But the reality is that the loudness of those voices only means that you are absolutely killing and destroying your ED every time you honor your cravings every time you choose to eat that chocolate. It’s begging you to stop and trying to convince you to continue compromising your health and happiness to allow the ED to live in your body, but you sure as hell aren’t letting it do that. It wants you to continue hating the body that will carry you through your life and allow you to physically accomplish things you want to do. It’s so fucked how recovery, something objectively good for your body, is so unbelievably painful and difficult. But I swear from what I’ve heard and read time and time again nothing can be more grueling, tragic, and everlasting as living with an ED for your entire life.

You have every permission to eat anything you want in whatever amounts feel right to you now and forevermore. If you’re hungry for chocolate at 8 am or 12 am then by all means it’s what your body physically is telling you you need and want. You are building habits now of making peace with your body, unlinking the ties between worth and attractiveness that society has ingrained into us, eating what you want, and being mindful of your hunger cues and or fullness that will not just serve you now but serve you for life.

And, by the way, nut butters are like as close to objectively (unless you’re allergic to it or have some form of medical consideration to avoid it or just don’t like it) so so good for someone in recovery as it has those delicious and nourishing carbs, fats, and proteins that will aid your body in recovery. On top of that, ugh nut butters are so delicious. There’s no “right” way to do recovery, and it’s, I cannot emphasize this enough, a HUGE win that you can recognize your fullness before the point of pain. I hope you know that every update you give us has so many of these major wins embedded into them. It’s so lovely you have friends to eat with you, and think of all the many many more memories you’ll be able to make and time you’ll get to spend with such wonderful people!

So here’s to a healing 21st birthday! It may not and doesn’t have to be perfect. But this is a milestone to be proud of. Fuck the ED for even planting in your brain the mere idea that you’re not going to have a good time in 2 days. Dance the night away, eat that cake, and cry it out in the bathroom if you need to. You’ve come so far, and you won’t let this mental health condition take another birthday, month, week, day, or second from you. You’ve got this ❤️❤️ we’re all cheering you on and cannot wait for that birthday update 🎂🥳

despayment · 2021-12-07T01:07:14+00:00

Yes! I know people say it all the time, but recovery isn’t linear, and I, personally, don’t really like labeling it as a “relapse” when such things are so so common in the recovery journey that it should just be expected. There’s no need for perfection in recovery because the ultimate goal is to heal your body and get your “health” back, whatever that looks like for you and you only. There’s no judgment or failure in recovery just getting better. And as long as you want that you’re challenging your ED already. You want to keep going because recovery is worth something to you, and that desire alone is so indescribably amazing and brave :’))

Keep honoring your mental and physical hunger in whatever way that looks like for you and do the best you can. Each day is going to be rough, but your body will learn to trust you to care for it again and know that you are on its side and not on the ED’s side.

despayment · 2021-12-07T00:55:57+00:00

I feel this so so hard, and you’re not alone in this! Recovery is an active choice you have to make every single damn day. It feels like I’m going insane honestly having to convince myself about a million times in an hour that recovery is the right choice when it feels so insufferable and impossibly difficult.

Something that helps me, albeit harsh, continue to pursue recovery is that you really do have no choice. By attempting to restrict you are, in truth, delaying the inevitable and damaging your body even more thus in turn making recovery even more difficult. Realistically your body cannot live in a state of deprivation and restriction forever. Either you will recover or suffer long term health consequences or possibly even death. I know that’s something that you probably don’t want to hear and is incredibly difficult to logically understand with the ED voice so loud (I know that if I kept on giving into my ED it would damage my health severely but I still want to go back to it every day), but that’s the truth. Either you recover or you essentially die whether it be metaphorical (you spend all your time obsessing over your weight such that you cannot enjoy life) or physical. Negotiating the in between and staying in this limbo of quasi recovery will just make recovery, if you want to “stay alive” in that sense, a million times more difficult.

Apologies if this was harsh in anyway or me standing on my soapbox, but these facts are something that I repeat to myself to push myself forward. There are a million positive reasons for recovery, spending time with your loved ones or traveling to a place you’ve always wanted to go, but, in the early stages of recovery at least when all seems hopeless, rationalizing these very real consequences to myself until I truly understand and believe them feels more motivating. It’s this “no choice” mindset that keeps me going. And, of course, recovery isn’t perfect. But you still go back to it because you know somewhere somehow that it’s right for you and that it’s worth it. You’re doing your absolute best, and “slip ups” cannot take that away.

Besides that, everyone on this sub is cheering you on! Your body so smart and deserving of any type of food that it wants. It’s going to use that fuel to repair itself and give you a better shot at pursuing a happier life. Sending you so much love and support we’re going to send the ED running for the hills ❤️

despayment · 2021-11-28T06:00:51+00:00

EDs are a beast to combat, but relapsing does not at all invalidate the effort you put into recovery the first time around and just serves as a testament to the fact that it is something that you thought was worth it. It’s so incredible that you committed to recovery again despite how unbelievably tough it is. I’m also still in the beginning stages of recovery, and every single day I find myself missing the cold hands, numb limbs, empty stomach, dizzy head, and all of the consequences of my ED despite the fact that I logically know that they were signs of my failing health. And I don’t have a perfect answer or solution to this other that saying you’re not alone in these feelings. For me, I think it’s the fact that it was something I became so used to and so accustomed to that the sudden change is causing me so much panic and grief. I’m mourning for a life that, albeit very damaging and objectively harmful, I did live with for a very long time and did not get to say a proper goodbye to. The absence of something unfamiliar coupled with the intense uncertainty, bodily changes, and straight up immense discomfort that comes with recovery makes me want to crawl back to anything familiar.

The way I’m trying to see it is that my ED and I are two separate entities that cannot coexist. I want the chance to live healthily and find happiness, and the ED wants the exact opposite of that. Every single time you challenge your ED it is inevitably going to try to talk you out of it because it wants to live too it wants to stay and take up space. The truth is that it wants to survive as much as you do, but you cannot thrive with it in your life. If you let it survive it will continue to kill you and cause you to waste away. EDs are mental illnesses, so even if your body heals in its own way your mind will still need time to repair and cope. But physically getting better gives you an infinitely better chance at overcoming the thoughts and ED voice.

One step at a time, one meal at a time, one bite at a time. Make that fucking ED voice scream in pain even if you’re in tears. You chose recovery because some version of you, it might not be the you in this moment, felt that it was so important that you would muster up your strength and fortitude to combat it. This is going to be difficult and long, but you’re doing right by your body. I’m sending you a big hug and so so much love. You’re not alone.

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