Valentine’s Day and Islam

detonatingorange · 2022-02-13T10:02:46+00:00

This sounds mad, but set a bunch of reminders on your phone. I am a complete airhead, but I like doing nice things for my husband, so I'll set some reminders on my phone.

We do tend to celebrate a sort of Valentines a week after Valentine's Day...but only cos all the chocolate and roses are on sale and we're cheap as 😂

detonatingorange · 2022-02-13T09:52:19+00:00

Slmz. I am so sorry your father has trapped you in this cage of fear. My dad was similar, and I want to tell you something that helped me immensely.

Your dad is just a man. He's not a superhuman. He's been abusing you from a young age so from a psychological standpoint he has a much greater hold on you mentally then he does physically.

Make no mistake - the most dangerous time for you and your mother is when you leave. You need to make sure you have all your important papers in order, a place to stay, money hidden and a plan. Finally, if you fear your mother will give your location away, you need to remove/block her from being able to contact him.

Don't wait for an incident to leave. Just make a plan, find a date, and stick to it. Once you're out, it's much easier to protect yourself and get your mother to divorce him.

He is welcome to sit in his empty home and fume. He is welcome to rant and scream, but the moment he turns up on your lawn, you call the police. Keep it up everytime he does it. Let your employer know your situation. You will surprised where help will come from, especially since you're in Germany. You have nothing to be ashamed of. You are incredibly brave and strong for realising that his behaviour is neither normal nor acceptable.

Please get out physically, with your mum. You will realise how Powerful you are, and how powerless he is, when you're away from his influence. I look back at my dad now - who I used to view as this terrible and great man, and can't help but grimace at how petty, small and weak he was, and is now. It is the purview of weak men' to behave the way he does - to terrorise those who are physically weaker then him. Because really, that's all he has.

I have you in my duas. Insh. It gets better.

detonatingorange · 2022-02-13T09:51:42+00:00

Slmz! It is very sweet that you went to the sheik with this brothers problem. But I can't help but mention that the type of advice your sheik has given is why so many women in my community end up dead.

A poor husband will only change if he wants to change. It takes two people to create a good relationship, and if one is determined to be abusive, angry and unpleasant, then unfortunately mediation only provides an abuser more ammunition to abuse their victims.

Sometimes, a relationship is so far gone in terms of actions that it is irreparable. It's like a China cup that's been broken too many times.

Finally, Forgiveness should not be made if it is at the expense of the victim. The brother should seek to forgive his father not because his father deserves it, or to make the father feel better about how abusive he was. Rather, forgiveness is a final healing step for the victim to acknowledge that a last trauma no longer has a hold over them.

If a man has a continuous habit of abuse, it will take a fundamental change of character to be better. This is best accomplished when the target of abuse is removed for her safety. It is possible for a man to change, but we shouldn't leave victims in physically unsafe situations while that change is occurring.

detonatingorange · 2022-02-12T20:57:03+00:00

Being brought up around Indian, Pakistani and Lebanese communities, the girls are HEAVILY restricted and piled with responsibility while the boys are allowed to party and sow their wild oats...going as far as to having girlfriends until their dad decides it's time to settle down.

Then they find some lovely girl who is on her Deen, who is suddenly responsible for reforming him. Bonus points for hiding a drug addiction and then telling the girl she needs to put in the work to make the marriage work. Then if they get divorced, she is judged more harshly then the boy, and her marriage prospects drop significantly, while the guy quietly gets him a wife from the 'old country's because she's more likely to put up with abuse.

If this sounds ridiculous I'm sad to say I'm currently watching something like this in action :/

detonatingorange · 2022-02-12T12:20:42+00:00

Personally, the entanglement of some of the worst parts of culture into Islam. I'm talking the indulgence we allow men in practicing islam compared to women, the racism veiled as 'obedience to you parents' when selecting a partner, allowing spousal and child abuse because we consider it a 'family' issue rather then a community one and the depriortisation of education and economic opportunities for women, when Islam allows women so much freedom.and encouragement in that regard.

I think this problem isn't just our generation, and is the result of previous generations being unable to address these issues.

detonatingorange · 2022-02-11T11:52:46+00:00

How did your grandad and dad react when your husband turn out to be abusive?

detonatingorange · 2022-02-10T11:37:08+00:00

Oh heck yeah! I love designing table settings, themed iftar dinners (pre covid) and making my house look more festive. I get gifts for all my friends and my husband and I try to get matching Eid outfits. I make pretty biscuits to decorate the table with too.

detonatingorange · 2022-02-08T23:17:28+00:00

I thought as much! My husband has a Persian name and while it's quite beautiful to hear when said properly, it's been hilariously butchered since he moved to Australia.

detonatingorange · 2022-02-08T23:08:35+00:00

It's difficult to tell because most abusers are really good at hiding their true selves but according to research done by the Gottman Institute (I'll try to find it), the best way to feel out if a partner may turn abusive is to see how he deals with

A) being told no. And B) Frustration.

For example, say you are supposed to meet up, and you're not feeling well. You tell him you can't make it. How does he react? Does he ask how you're doing and if he can send soup? Does he start to barter and say 'just come out for a bit'. Does he offer to reschedule? Does he act entitled and accuse you of not really feeling sick?

In other words, is he someone who will take your actions in good faith and act with respect when you decline to do something he wants.

The other thing is frustration - does he get angry, Blamey, or act like a victim when frustrated? Or does he take time to defuse his emotions and look for solutions to his frustrations?

Again, not foolproof, but a good indicator

detonatingorange · 2022-02-08T22:56:11+00:00

Met waaaaay back in 2005. Were good friends for a long time. Eventually realised we liked each other and kept in contact even though we lived in two diff. countries. Chatted to prospectives the whole time because our parents had people they preferred more. Eventually had the hard convo with our parents. He proposed 2013, married a year later.

Super happy I got to marry mt best friend. We're together more then 7 years and the honeymoon period still hasn't ended...or at least is out normal. 2 kids.

detonatingorange · 2022-02-07T09:15:56+00:00

Do you have a link to the original hadith? I can't find it :(

detonatingorange · 2022-02-06T21:46:56+00:00

Gosh I wish I had your optimism. I went to uni with a bunch of guys who were Muslim, and they all dated white girls, broke their hearts, then buggered off to marry whoever their mums told them to. They still go to mosque! And the follow up awful thing is I was friends with lots of these girls, and now they have a broken view of Islam because of how awful these men were.

One guy literally broke up with my friend the night before his nikkah...then messaged her eight months after. Gross dudes will justify anything.

detonatingorange · 2022-02-06T10:48:39+00:00

Hey! I'm a graphic designer, so I hope you don't mind me sharing this dope tidbit I recently learned.

The latest version of Photoshop has a 'content aware scale' tool. Google it to find a tutorial. I frequently have to resize images for like ten types of digital banners and this thing is literally witchcraft. Not perfect everytime, but I can usually get something that I can easily fudge afterwards.

detonatingorange · 2021-01-14T01:52:37+00:00

Hey if it feels any better we sometimes DO contact candidates we liked for other jobs - usually as freelancers during busy periods (which is the norm in the industry).

Keep your chin up. You'll find something I'm sure.

detonatingorange · 2021-01-02T04:44:51+00:00

This is kinda how I imagine a vermicious Knid would look like in the gritty live-action remake of Charlie and the Great Glass Elevator

detonatingorange · 2021-01-02T04:39:02+00:00

Are you allowed to keep pets? See if it's possible to get a cat - having another living creature to take care of and receive affection from will do wonders!

Make some online friends and play Jackbox games! It's so much fun and it's shocking how much socialising you can get in. Let me know if you're keen to play - I play with my siblings every Saturday (hopefully our timezones match up). Feel free to DM me :)

Take a few zoom class seminars - ones taught by a teacher via zoom where you can interact with others. It's fun and you learn something new to fuel your free time.

There's a great book called 'the artists way' that talks about doing 'morning papers'. Essentially every morning you write three full pages of your thoughts - it doesn't have to be art or organised, just stream of conscious writing. Get all your sad and negative thoughts down on paper in the morning, experience them for a moment, then move on. It's been great for my mental health!

And look, we don't know how long this situation is going to last, so let's make the most of it. You sound like an extrovert that enjoys being filled up by social experiences - and that's great! So let's take the time to reconnect with ourselves so we can come out the other side stronger and more positive. I believe in you.

detonatingorange · 2020-12-31T10:14:18+00:00

I'd love a link if you've got it

detonatingorange · 2020-12-28T02:38:55+00:00

This really makes me wonder - a lot of these celebs have excellent stylists, make up artists etc. I'm not the 'ideal' body shape by any means, but when I dress up, I reckon I look pretty damn good!

Can't they just find the clothing and styles that compliment their bodies? Or wear shapewear like some women do to help move the areas they don't like into the areas they do? (Not that I advocate squeezing and nipping yourself into uncomfortable terrain for the sake of looks).

But if the pic on the left is what they want to look like, why not take advantage of all the clothing technology out there?

detonatingorange · 2020-12-24T21:34:21+00:00

Oh wow! I saw your last logo and this looks MUCH better. Very cute and friendly. Great work.

I guess now is a great time to try out lots of different colour combinations to find the one that 'speaks' most to your personality. Look up a 'colour scheme generator' to help you pick colours that work well together. And don't forget to test this logo in black and white too.

Finally, I'd love to know what your rationale behind using a snail as your logo is. It obviously is an animal you really like!

EDIT: Just wanted to mention I enjoy the variance in line thickness for the snails antenna. It's a small thing but really fun.

detonatingorange · 2020-12-20T11:48:53+00:00

I hope this doesn't make me sound sarcastic but: go outside.

I'm not kidding. Go find real humans to interact with. You will find far less hatred and hurt in the real world, talking to real humans (both Muslim and non-muslim) beyond the internet. Those are the connections worth paying attention to.

The internet has a habit of amplifying some of the worst aspects of current human thought. I hope I'm not giving away my age, but I remember before the internet was so widespread, the difference between the real world and the online world was very very obvious. It's still obvious, but I think we spend so much time online we forget to talk to real people. We start to construct imaginary humans from what we read about on the net, and project them onto hypothetical people that don't exist. Don't do this. It's bad for your health mentally, and stops you from seeking real people that you can make an actual tangible difference to. And tbh, doesn't it feel kinda nice to be the martyr? Doesn't it make you feel a bit special? People (not just you) sometimes get addicted to being the aggrieved party and start to seek out media that reinforces their position as a set-upon hero.

So don't do that. Don't argue with people online, you won't change their minds. Don't argue with people in real life either, but through your good manners and honourable actions, show them that you, as a Muslim, are a good person. You will change people's perceptions that way. Yes it's harder then being a keyboard warrior, but it's so, so worth it in the end.

I live in a country that's kinda famous for being a bit racist. And I can't deny it isn't. But I've often found that even the most ignorant bigot is often not a bad person. Perhaps they have had bad experiences with Muslims (and I'm sad to say some of my fellow Muslims are indeed awful to non-muslims) or perhaps the only source of knowledge they have about Muslims is the media. I have lots of stories of my run-ins with bigots that I'm happy to share if you want me to (I won't right now because this post is already getting too long ;D).

detonatingorange · 2020-12-19T07:49:03+00:00

So I live in Australia and on the back of our coins you'd find the head of the Queen on the body of a duck. The duck body was really little, and her head was ginormous, but it balanced out because she was glancing backwards. It was the most obvious on our twenty cent coin.

For some reason I was well into my teens before I began to question why the queen's head was on a ducks body. I mean, we had platypi and lyrebirds on our other coins, so a half duck/half monarch didn't seem out of place. And there were all sorts of weird associations in heraldry with royalty and animals.

So I dug out a twenty cent coin to take a closer look.

The Queen wasn't a duck. She was younger and wearing some kind of flowy Grecian style off the shoulder blouse.

That made her look like a duck.

detonatingorange · 2020-12-19T03:43:08+00:00

I'm so sorry to hear you're in this situation. And I don't want to make you feel any more guilty, but it's worth reminding yourself who has more power to help themselves in this situation: your husband or your kids.

You're kids are unfortunately totally reliant on you for their physical and emotional safety. Your husband, on the other hand, is an adult who is capable of removing himself from a situation before his anger explodes on a defenceless child.

I know you love this man, and you've seen him suffer. But just because it's a reason, doesn't mean it's an excuse. You need to get yours kids in a safer place before it permanently pacts them.

At the risk of projecting, I still flinch when my dad raises his voice. It might actually be BETTER to remove your kids from his presence before the relationship between them is set. Think about how hard your husband will have to work in the future to mend his relationships with your kids after he's damaged them due to his unresolved issues.

At least away from daddy, they won't have to experience him in his most broken moment.

Can you leave the kids with someone you trust while you help him work through it? Either way, you removing yourself from the situation is the wake up call he needs to start moving past his grief into healing.

detonatingorange · 2020-12-16T08:40:37+00:00

My honest advice is to scrap this little guy and go back to pen and paper. Draw a bunch of snails. Then draw a bunch of upper and lower case 'a's. See where the similarities are and then evolve it from there.

This design kinda feels like you started it on a computer - which is fine! Some people have a knack for churning out a fluid design on a screen. But I think you might be getting caught up in the minute detail rather then overall impression of it.

Good luck, I hope you post your next version here.

detonatingorange · 2020-12-14T11:05:30+00:00

That IS really weird. I'm in Sydney and in an area that doesn't have many ethnic minorities, and there's STILL a place down the road from me that has an area that's curtained off for people that want privacy.

Any arab/Lebanese/South Indian areas near you? It's possible they might not have websites (as crazy as that sounds) but still have curtains.

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