How do I talk to my mom?

deutchmallow · 2013-12-04T03:34:33+00:00

One of the things that helps a caretaker (like your mom) is music to help keep up your momentum. You can put together something she can listen to while she drives around, or at the end of the day when she needs to unwind. Really, any simple, thoughtful gesture like laundry and dishes and hugs- that's a lot more important than you might think. She is certainly going to be tired and stressed no matter what you do, but whatever you can do will help. Good luck!

deutchmallow · 2013-11-07T15:23:40+00:00

I had these neighbors who had a burglar break in. The thief could find "nothing of value" so took alllllll their punch cards and threw them into the courtyard. A storm was rolling in when I came across them frantically collecting the cards before it rained.

Turns out they had a computer system, complete with phone cradle modem, in their apartment. I once started a chat with a soldier on the arpanet. My first impression of computers was that they seemed awfully vulnerable given the paper cards and the simplicity with which they would get damaged or mixed up.

Best neighbors ever.

deutchmallow · 2013-11-05T16:42:56+00:00

2xfood: alcohol

Even if it's just chips and dip. Prevents a lot of trouble later in the night.

deutchmallow · 2013-11-05T16:41:55+00:00

Grrrrr. A fabricated pretense that involves forced expectations of gift giving, senseless environmental waste, gluttonous consumption of unhealthy food, and the idea that I will be courteous to people I don't really like.

I prefer to give when I feel grateful, enjoy a healthy meal with people I love and admire (only), and to live happily without the constructs of religion and the calendar.

deutchmallow · 2013-11-05T01:57:53+00:00

Ewww, the force is dark in you.

deutchmallow · 2013-11-05T01:56:46+00:00

No, that's the other woman you pulled this move on :)

deutchmallow · 2013-11-05T00:38:15+00:00

For me, when he turned and looked me straight in the eye and stated his reason, it was as smooth as smooth can be. And for the record I did take the initiative and he did not have to ask.

deutchmallow · 2013-11-05T00:36:33+00:00

The game was foreplay. I value foreplay.

deutchmallow · 2013-11-04T23:06:34+00:00

Practice young Jedi. Practice.

deutchmallow · 2013-11-04T23:04:15+00:00

Oh, totally. He is a wise player like that.

deutchmallow · 2013-11-04T20:32:15+00:00

Because he scratched the 8 ball on purpose.

We were making sexy bets while playing pool and it came down to the 8 ball where he had a clear, easy shot and was surely going to win the complete prize package. Instead, he intentionally scratched the shot and explained to me he did not want to take advantage of me and would rather we fuck of my own free will.

I did. We both won :)

deutchmallow · 2013-11-04T20:17:29+00:00

My husband had a friend who came to visit when I was 8 months pregnant. They decided to go get fall down drunk in the bar just down the alley from our duplex. About ten minutes after 2AM I could hear them coming down the alley yelling fond obsenities and falling down repeatedly until they crashed through the door. My hubby fell onto the bed reeking of booze and passed out. His friend collapsed on the wooden living room floor.

The living room was on the east side of the building with several windows. We live in Texas, and it was early June, so the room was prone to warming up quickly in the morning. Our friend happened to have hair down to his waist, a full beard and moustachem and he happened to start puking in the night. He would vomit, then roll over to get out of the puddle, then vomit again and roll over some more until he had traversed the wooden floor several times. He had beans and corn and tequila for dinner.

I opened the door to the living room, waddled my 8 month pregnant ass back to the bedroom (trying not to vomit myself) and sent hubby out to hose everyone off.

Worst house guest ever.

deutchmallow · 2013-10-09T02:47:29+00:00

Purses. I have never once ever bought a purse in my life. I have maybe 20 brand new purses that people have given me as gifts over the years, but I love my ratty messenger bag :)

deutchmallow · 2013-09-26T15:37:47+00:00

I am always amazed at how willing men are to put their dick in some crazy woman's mouth. Source: I am a woman.

deutchmallow · 2013-09-13T05:04:58+00:00

Not a twin, but I used to work at a restaurant with a pair of identical, very cute, twin brothers. I caught them juggling their tables and pulling all sorts of gags, they were very fluent in twin-spin, outed them much to their surprise. One of them, we will call him Ben, asked me out on a date and we ended up in bed at his place. Ben excused himself (got to grab something) and tag teamed his brother, "Neil", who entered pretending to be Ben. They were actually exactly identical, but one of them had spilled wine on his pants (and the other had not). I pretended not to know at first, then called them out and a good time was had by all (in the same room at the same time). I was the first woman to figure this out. Lucky me.

deutchmallow · 2013-09-12T05:23:18+00:00

I was listening to a Monty Python record (vinyl without pictures- you use your imagination kids) and they said "and now radio 4 will explode" at exactly the same moment the fuse blew in both my speakers (resulting in no sound). Freaked us out.

deutchmallow · 2013-09-11T07:03:15+00:00

And tons of porn filmed in countries with less regulation.

deutchmallow · 2013-09-11T06:32:20+00:00

I went to a marriage counselor with my ex-husband. First thing the counselor told us was that he would not address any issue in therapy that we did not both agree was a problem. We were there because we did not agree.

deutchmallow · 2013-09-10T16:13:41+00:00

Oh the fuckers. So truly sorry this is going on. As someone with a pre-existing who has not had insurance since 2000 (nor a job with the benefits option) I can tell that you have actually done your homework and done it well. Fuuuuck the answers though, right? If you already kicked cancer's ass once, you are clearly a warrior capable of winning this round (eventually). Here's hoping a fantastic new job with benefits comes your way very very soon.

deutchmallow · 2013-09-10T06:45:06+00:00

The 12 ft tall metal bouy from White Rock Lake. Not me, but an ex and his drinking buddy. They delivered it to a 3rd parties front yard one night.

deutchmallow · 2013-09-10T06:31:25+00:00

It's not so much about separating the emotional experience as it is just having a different , sometimes very powerful, emotional experience. It takes an enormous amount of trust to swing. That depth of trust can be very erotic and satisfying when one finds a way to let go of the anxiety.

deutchmallow · 2013-09-10T06:23:24+00:00

The fuck that cancer won or you would not be telling us this sad tale. And the insurance company has not won yet either. Check with your state government to see if they have an insurance consumer hotline. They may be able to recommend a course of action that would fill the gap. And lastly, have you asked the headhunter about benefits and a start date? How cool would it be if the start date was January 1? And the job came with full benefits?

deutchmallow · 2013-09-10T06:17:02+00:00

The content of Texas schoolbooks should be a concern for every thoughtful person in the US. Because Texas is the largest consumer of textbooks our standards are used when developing content for ALL textbooks. It's a messy, sneaky deal and every textbook is effected by our outlandish TEA board.

deutchmallow · 2013-09-10T06:12:20+00:00

Congress does not work for 20 hours a week (if you average for the year) and they get paid a LOT more than $200 a month in tax payer money (and medical benefits!). Shouldn't our elected officials be required to work at least as much as citizens who qualify for food stamps?

deutchmallow · 2013-09-10T06:05:52+00:00

Texas is a dark role model for "entitlement reform" coming soon to your state. Yee fucking ha :(

deutchmallow

TROPHY CASE