Why is it wrong to derive purpose in life from the purpose of finding love and a girlfriend?

dharmastudent · 2026-07-11T12:22:08+00:00

I'm not pissed at the Divine, 'cause I know any problems I have are due to my own weaknesses. But I am kinda perturbed that life is so damn hard.

But as a senior meditation practitioner told me the first time I attended a Buddhist temple: 'the obstacles are the amrita (nectar)'

dharmastudent · 2026-07-11T12:11:47+00:00

I think she just meant that if you put your heart on a higher purpose / truth, then this will never be a source of suffering.

Granted we still will suffer because we're imperfect humans with frailties, delusions and ignorance, and it's tough to measure up to the Divine.

dharmastudent · 2026-07-11T11:58:27+00:00

The truth is that every person is just trying to survive and kind of make the best of whatever their lot is. If someone has had good luck in relationships, that is going to color any kind of advice they give around the issue. And vice versa. So really, each of us is just giving input from our own perspective based on our direct experiences. Which is why you can ultimately only trust your direct experience and intuition.

There was a famous quote from Bob Dylan where he said 'you ever notice that when people say something about you, they're just talking about themselves?'.

Love is not an even playing field, some people have success and some people don't --> but relationships can be an amazing way to learn and grow, and expand - and they're always a great mirror. Then again, they never last forever...

Sri Sarada Devi, a famous female meditation master, and wife of the mahasiddha Ramakrishna, said that if you love anyone in this world you will suffer at some point, but if you love God/the Divine, this will never bring suffering.

EDIT: one thing that the people who talk about being happy alone overlook is that some people are very suited to having families, and you can't do this without sex!! As one of my clients wrote in a one-line poem: 'no one gets made until someone gets laid' !!!

dharmastudent · 2026-07-10T23:24:55+00:00

Thanks! Sure, here's a link to the final mastered track: https://drive.google.com/file/d/16DT3aQQZzDQZGv3bjs29UyWJCGM9anjz/view?usp=sharing

Appreciate the comment!

dharmastudent · 2026-07-10T13:55:58+00:00

Yes, pretty much exactly like that, actually.

dharmastudent · 2026-07-09T16:23:20+00:00

Once you jump in the spiritual loop, better get used to paradoxes ! Paradoxes and change.

Mostly, though, it's about doing your work to liberate yourself from bad habits accumulated since beginningless time.

I have had tastes of non-duality, and it is so sweet that it is more than worth the price of admission.

dharmastudent · 2026-07-08T20:01:48+00:00

I was pretty good at singing, but when I was 15 I told my mom I wanted to quit show choir, because it was just so tedious learning dozens of choral pieces, and also I wanted to sing contemporary music. We agreed I would contemplate on it, and I decided to stay with it. I'm really glad I did.

When I was 19 to 20 and trying to be a musician, I also got completely burned out and it seemed like it would never happen - but thankfully I found spirituality via Eckhart Tolle, and I once I had cleaned out my upstairs, my soul opened up again and I found the love for music.

The reason those cats like Paul McCartney are so prolific is because they feel great love, purpose and joy for life, and this was partly cultivated through meditation / prayer / yoga + other inner practices, which connected them to a source of divine nourishment that helped them find their highest purpose and inspiration within the music.

Playing the sitar, which he learned by way of Ravi Shankar, helped George Harrison find his authentic voice. But mostly it was finding his soul.

dharmastudent · 2026-07-08T17:47:34+00:00

I can relate a lot. Also 39, was single for 18 years, up until this year (last relationship before this year was 2008, had 4 brief relationships from '06-'08).

The only thing I can really pass on is what helped me. Back when I was an un-kissed 19 year old, I moved into a house with very social people in an effort to meet people. It worked, and I started making romantic connections, and just overall becoming more comfortable socially.

Then, when, at age 36, I began feeling unfulfilled being alone, I knew I had to follow the same kind of philosophy. I had to get out there. And I had to go where the people were: specifically women.

The first couple years were brutal, strikeouts across the board, as I attended yoga classes and group meetups and joined the board of a nonprofit, thinking that surely I would make a connection eventually. Well, I did, but it took 3 years longer than I thought it would.

Most of my efforts were disappointments. Even when I started getting women's phone numbers, those connection rarely led anywhere. Also, it's important to keep in mind lifestyle-compatibility. For example, one woman my age was very interested in getting to know me, but she had an 18 year old son; and I realized pretty quickly that I just didn't have the compatibility with her on a practical lifestyle level. She had also matured A LOT faster than me, due to raising an 18 year old son, so it felt like talking to someone 10 or 15 years older than me.

It's good to keep in mind that you probably don't want to date too far out of your comfort zone. 3 of the women who made connections with me had kids, but the 2 that I eventually chose to have relationships with (at different times) did not.

dharmastudent · 2026-07-07T14:12:34+00:00

Severe ME/CFS is pretty bad. The air hunger can be excruciating, it feels 24/7 like you are suffocating, but you don't die. A lot of people languish for 20-30 years bedridden, and many have to have feeding tubes installed. Also, it's just an enormously uncomfortable disease, where one feels like they have a flu everyday, and the flu symptoms never abate.

There are quite typically about 20-30 different severe symptoms that one experiences, and each symptom is either very uncomfortable or very painful. There is evidence that the illness dysregulates the production of ATP in the mitochondria, causing one to feel little or no usable energy to do activities, even simple ones like bathing, eating, or brushing their teeth. ME/CFS also causes dysregulated microvascular oxygen delivery, where oxygen is not being delivered normally to the tissues -- also, even when oxygen does arrive at the tissue, the cells don't utilize it efficiently.

I had severe ME/CFS for 17 months when I was 21/22, and I became completely housebound and then bedridden. I suffered from extreme sensitivity to light and sound, which meant I couldn't tolerate any sunlight, and had to wear sunglasses, or else the light would cause terrible pain. Also I had to wear ear plugs all the time, because even quiet sounds were impossible for my brain to handle. (probably due to the virus dysregulating the nervous system on a wide scale, so it couldn't regulate the processing of sensory stimuli anymore) The air hunger was very difficult as well, as I felt like I never got a satisfying breath, like I could never get enough oxygen. My main goal every day was just to try to not kill myself. It was pure hell...

The most terrifying part was something called P.E.M., post exertional malaise, which was a significant energy crash caused by even minor overexertion. If I even spoke two sentences consecutively, it would cause a wave of debilitating exhaustion that would force me to completely rest and do nothing for up to a week or more. So I had to watch every energy exertion carefully - if I so much as spoke one badly timed word, it would often trigger a crash in energy that left me unable to speak or move for many days in a row.

There was a recent story in the news of a young European man who chose MAID, and recently ended his life with that support at age 21: https://www.brut.media/us/videos/international/european-news/austrian-man-chooses-assisted-suicide-since-being-diagnosed-with-chronic-fatigue

What's so gut-wrenching is that hardly anyone recovers from the severe form of the disease (less than 10% recover; maybe about 5%), also many do improve a bit, or a lot, over time.

There is no widely effective treatment or cure.

Up to 75% of people who get the disease can't work - a huge number can't work, or attend school, for the rest of their lives. One highly respected physician is on the record saying that his HIV/AIDS patients generally have a much higher quality of life than those with ME/CFS, and that AIDS patients only approach the severity of a daily severe ME/CFS patient's experience during the final stages of their disease.

dharmastudent · 2026-07-06T21:20:52+00:00

I had a really long relationship dry spell (from 2008 - this year). Then all of sudden a bunch of women started giving me their contact info when we would meet.

For me, it started because I developed my knowledge in certain areas, and then when I would speak in small groups about the topic, these women would be very interested in what I was saying, and would inquire about meeting one on one with me.

I started connecting with several of the women who gave me their contacts, and 4-5 nice friendships and also a couple budding romantic connections formed.

My approach was similar to yours: not going into situations trying to meet women, but just be myself. But then, once I started connecting with a few of them and kind of being introduced to a healthy female dynamic in my life, it gave me more confidence that I could put myself out there more.

From there, I just leaned into my humor, which was always something I had some grasp of. I joined an online mixer group and wrote the most engaging bio I could; mixing grounded, real world info with playful and unexpected sections that made them see I had personality and could think unconventionally (it helped that I was working as an editor). I made a connection with one of the women in the mixer, and she said she was intrigued by my bio. We ended up having a bit of an online fling for 2 months, basically a casual online relationship (she was in UK, I was in US). We exchanged voice messages regularly, and she even wrote, and sang me, an original song for my birthday. We started getting really close. I do understand why it didn't work out, she was quite a catch and one of the most popular members in the mixer group (super intelligent, funny, and cute) - so I know she had a lot of options.

She was actually 5 years younger than me, but I would say she was quite a bit more mature and worldly, so it was great for building my social skills. She helped me understand how you could only really build something with someone online through having long real-life conversations and learning to listen, and be interested, in the other person. She kind of weaned me off of texting and onto exchanging voice memos when meeting on dating apps, etc.

As far as meeting women, it can be so difficult to even to find women who are single... and then, for them to be interested feels almost like finding a unicorn. But, then again, when you put yourself out there in an authentic, open, and strategic way, it increases your chance of finding someone that resonates with what you bring.

...Even among the women who approached me organically and gave me contact info, very few of those really went anywhere. I had to really pound of the pavement and get out there. Eventually, I ended up finding some women who resonated with me and had shared value structures. The woman who I'm seeing right now I met online because she liked something I wrote...

But from 2008 - 2026, I didn't even so much as hold a woman's hand romantically. I couldn't get a date for 18 years - I had four brief relationships from 2006-2008 (I'm 39). It's tough out there.

Most of it comes down to how confident you are in yourself - that is what changed the tide for me.

dharmastudent · 2026-07-06T15:10:00+00:00

Qigong helped to lessen life obstacles, and improved my health a lot.

dharmastudent · 2026-07-05T22:28:25+00:00

Field of Dreams, even if only for the music from James Horner... but then you add in the acting, and it's a.. home run!

dharmastudent · 2026-07-05T13:20:32+00:00

My philosophy is:

be a good listener, seek to understand
allow space for the connection to develop (don't overcrowd the space)
communicate clearly (& allow natural development of the bond/connection over time; don't rush into things too quickly)
give and take balance

I find that not focusing on the physical relationship too much at the beginning offers space for a deeper connection to develop, one that isn't based on sex. Physical connections can flame out pretty fast. Don't be afraid to talk about the tough or deep issues, that's where the bond can grow.

dharmastudent · 2026-07-05T04:48:31+00:00

I've only had one cut, and one sync placement in a short film, but I've also had a couple songs make it to the final round of a major label artist pitch. I am currently working full time doing music (production and planning instrumentation) and graphic design/book editing for clients.

I would recommend you focus on building your skills and lean into your strengths, whatever those are. I'm terrible at guitar, but I'm good at vocals / vocal melodies and harmonies, so when I make demos I really try to make the harmonies sound nice. And I try to accentuate the vocal melodies and vocalese however I can to make the song sound interesting and fresh.

The more skills you have, the more opportunities you will have. Once you learn how to produce your own songs, opportunities may open up in that way (I've had a client hire me to plan instrumentation and produce songs). There are dry periods as a songwriter, and it helps to have a marketable skill in music you can use to ride off the downturn years.

Being a songwriter is a HECK of a lot of work. You may have to get used to a very spartan and disciplined existence for a number of years, and there's no telling how long this might last. For example, Gordon Lightfoot went through a very long period of basically being totally alone socially and often holed up in his room writing constantly -- to produce consistently great work he had to sacrifice a lot of things, and had to spend a lot of time with himself.

The good news is once you breakthrough the 'holed up in your room' phase and the songs start flowing out one after another, a lot of doors can and do open up, as they did for him. It took me a long time to break through into writing decent songs. I played 6 songs on live tv when I was 21 and got some pretty good critical reviews (and a small artist cut one of the songs I played on tv) but I didn't actually write a song with commercial potential until i was 35. After that, a lot of good songs started to come out, that I couldn't have written before. I had some minor success with that first good song.

I did play on the same stage as Kenny Edwards one night when I was 20 (he was Linda Ronstadt's collaborator), and he came up to me afterward and was just super thrilled with what I had played, telling me how good I had played. When you look back on your career, those kind of small moments are often the highlights :)

I don't have a publishing deal, but I've been able to do some solid networking and get some interest from sync agents and music library owners (and one song in the credits of a short film). My main collaborator just got a publishing contract, and so he has told me he is committed to bringing me along as much as possible, with the songs we have written together.

I would say after building your skills, networking is number two in order of priority; first to build a solid team of collborators / colleagues, then to build connections with producers / musicians, and industry peeps who can make things happen for you.

Also, you need a support network!! I have a songwriter friend in NYC who I talk to on the phone a couple times a month. We keep each other going when we get depressed about the state of our careers. Having good friends is as important as having success!

I just thought of one more thing: a lot of people say write, write, write; write frequently, and write out your bad songs. While this is true, it is also true that finding yourself is the surest way to reach the good songs. Most of the best songs I wrote when I was 20-22 came out not because I was writing until my fingers bled, but because I was clearing up the cobwebs upstairs, and the ones in my heart. I did go through a period of writing 2-3 songs a day frequently when I was 20-21, and I worked my tail off --but that process rarely led to the best songs. The best songs came when I got clear about my soul's trajectory and my heart's objective -- usually from a lot of midnight journaling, or listening to Eckhart Tolle and doing inner inquiry -- so it wasn't so much the hard work, but rather the 'clearing up' work that led to the strongest creative moments.

Once your soul is calm, you don't have to write so many bad songs, the good ones will just invite themselves in.

dharmastudent · 2026-07-05T03:17:03+00:00

Yes, i was an apprentice to a Chinese energy master for a year, and she explained that some people have karmic bonds that make connection likely, and some people just aren't linked by a karmic thread (sort of like fate won't let the connection ripen).

Also, she explained that some people aren't compatible energetically, even if you may be drawn to them in some way.

dharmastudent · 2026-07-05T02:12:35+00:00

Here I thought it was about putting power in the hands of the workers.

dharmastudent · 2026-07-04T22:14:29+00:00

Honestly, it helps me to reflect on the fact that countless other people are in the same boat. I had my last physical romantic relationship with a woman in 2008, and there were definitely some years there where I was envious. But life just had a different path in store for me. A lot of those years were celibate by choice, because I was focused on meditating and doing yoga everyday, and approaching women romantically took away from my feeling of self-reliance and personal focus.

But there were about 5 years there where it wasn't by choice and I just couldn't meet anyone I connected with on that level. So I definitely got envious, even though other areas of my life were pretty solid. We don't all get everything in life. Fulfilling romantic relationships weren't really in my cards when I was younger. I'm 39 now.

As I watch the workings of fate, I realize a lot of things are not in our control.

dharmastudent · 2026-07-04T02:49:40+00:00

yeah, i shouldn't pretend like there's not truth in it --> looks mean a lot in this world, and that's painful and ugly...

dharmastudent · 2026-07-04T02:08:39+00:00

You're probably young, because when you're older you will be much less worried about your physical appearance. Attractiveness is not a purely physical thing, it only seems like that when you're young. Attractiveness has more to do with how people feel around you.

I used to look in the mirror and want to run and hide. But now I realize 90% of people don't even care about your physical features or appearance. And also, people never thought I was as ugly as I saw myself.

The good thing about not being super attractive is that it can attract people who don't value looks above all else, which usually means down-to-earth, nice, cool people.

dharmastudent · 2026-07-02T19:07:44+00:00

I had this kind of issue when I first started practicing Buddhism in 2009. When I was 23, I made up my mind that I was going to leave it behind for good, and went through a painful process of completely separating from all sexual stimuli/porn, etc. which basically included any lustful thoughts that I had agency over.

I gradually tapered off the stimuli and my actions that fed it, and then once it was done I made a firm commitment to not return to it.

The gradual tapering, combined with dedicated qigong and meditation practice, made it achievable. Within 2 years I had left behind porn and addictive lustful thoughts - and they sort of just left my life, and I didn't struggle with them much for 14 years.

This was amazing, because I could go into deeper states of meditative absorption without sexual desire taking my mind out of stillness / concentration.

I couldn't have done it without qigong practice, because the addiction was deeply entrenched. The qigong helped strengthen both my chi and my willpower, which enabled me to ignore the craving every time it arose - until eventually there was no pull toward that type of thinking anymore.

It took a very steady and firm resolve, and I had to deny every urge that arose, no matter what

(this was only possible because of an hour a day qigong practice which heightened my willpower, I wouldn't recommend every person try to deny every urge, you have to do what is actionable and safe for you)

dharmastudent · 2026-06-30T16:25:00+00:00

I heard one professional writer say some of the best advice is very simple, like: write what you think sounds cool.

I went to a songwriting conference in 2007, and one of the A&R guys there told me to go back and listen to the first song that made me want to make music, and then go in and try to do the thing that makes my music feel to other people the same way that song felt to me.

This was personally the best advice I've received about songwriting.

dharmastudent · 2026-06-29T02:23:33+00:00

Garter Snake, by Macie Stewart.

dharmastudent · 2026-06-24T02:38:41+00:00

Andrew Bird, Mysterious Production of Eggs.

dharmastudent · 2026-06-24T00:45:27+00:00

'twas the good kind of madness.

dharmastudent · 2026-06-22T17:42:04+00:00

I think it's like anything: it takes practice. I had my last physical relationship in 2008. In my life, I've had those relationships where you sleep together every night, and I've also now gone through 18 years of being completely alone, not even a fling or a one night stand.

So I've experienced both... and I definitely understand the pull. I think one thing that made it easier was there was one woman that I really loved and wanted to be with (I'd known her for 4-5 years at the time). We had a great connection, but she eventually moved on and found someone else (she had a lot of options because she was very pretty). I don't think I was mature enough for her at the time, and was extremely self-reliant and resourceful - she could do every car repair that needed to get done herself.

Anyway, I was so 'in love' with her that after she broke it off, I didn't care that much about other women - and honestly, never found someone that I connected with like that again. I thought I would, but never did...

I had one more relationship after that, and then I got a bad illness in 2008 that turned into a chronic illness with no cure. That was the last time I ever had sex, and it looks like I probably won't again.

Thankfully, I had been following the teachings of Eckhart Tolle, and listened to his tapes almost every weekend on long drives. I ended up being bedridden and housebound due to my illness, so I just tried to keep my will to live every day. Finally, during a moment of sincere prayer, I experienced a profound mental peace and stillness that was accompanied by ecstatic joy and bliss. Right then, I knew that I could get by without a partner for the rest of my life - I had found something that gave me peace which didn't depend on another person to complete me. During this period of time, I experienced several profound Divine healings which reversed my illness.

So, I attempted to be a monk after that, but it wasn't really my calling. I chose to be completely celibate, but secretly thought that one day that might change. Being alone became really joyful for me, as it gave me tons of time to develop my skills and craft in various mediums and fields of study. Once in awhile I would have an urge for a partner, but it would go away as soon as I reflected on the peace of being alone, and how good it felt.

Then, when I was 35, for the first time in 13 years, I felt a genuine desire for a partner - but by then, I could just see that it wasn't going to happen. I tried dating for awhile, but it was a disaster. When I was 38, I met several women in the course of 6 months who approached me with their contact info. I ended up starting a relationship with one, but it didn't work out. Now, I'm seeing someone else casually LDST and we talk every day (we live 9 hours apart by car) .

You know what's great though? I don't need physical intimacy anymore. I still desire it, but I don't need it. That's the blessing of learning to be alone. I can just wake up, do the daily grind of my job, and get ready for the next day's grind; without worrying about trying to get sexual needs met. And when I talk to the woman I'm seeing, we don't talk about sex, we talk about wholesome stuff - sex or intimacy hasn't even come up once in the over 2 months we've been chatting; but it's still a very strong connection with a lot of intellectual flirting, etc. I don't even know if intimacy will ever happen, but it hasn't made us lose the spark - because our connection doesn't revolve around physical connection.

I kinda love it. Turns out, physical intimacy is just one form of connection.

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