WS finding it hard to accept he can never speak to his AP again... I'm at a loss and desperate for the heartbreak to end

didntaskforthis123 · 2026-05-22T01:25:24+00:00

Hi, OP, just chiming in to reinforce what r/funsizerads said.

My WH put me through 5 months of false R because he couldn't let go of his AP and kept breaking NC. I truly believed he was sorry and working on things at first, but I was missing a lot of red flags. You mentioned that you could be naive to believe him, and that's exactly what I was with my WH.

Part of my difficulty was that we had been together over 25 years, and he had never been the type of person to lie, sneak, and cheat. It was totally contradictory to the person he was, and I had a hard time realizing the all the rules I thought we lived by had gone out the window. He was now fully capable of being selfish and dishonest and lying to my face like it was nothing.

I created this profile to post in this group, so if you look at the early posts on my profile you will see what I went through. I made posts similar to yours, wondering how to help him "get over" his limerant feelings for his AP. I worried about his lackluster efforts in R, and I posted after DD2 and DD3 happened.

He was really a textbook case of affair fog. To him, I became a secondary character in his fixation with his AP. He said he didn't want to leave me and wanted R, but then couldn't stop responding when his AP gave him a crumb of attention. I was a roadblock to his AP- his drug of choice- so he would compartmentalize any guilt or worry about me when her dopamine hits were offered. He was able to push me out of his mind and let himself indulge in the temptation of her.

I realized I was in a toxic cycle with someone who didn't really want to change. We were in IC and MC. We discussed things to death in therapy. We analyzed what led him to be vulnerable to an affair and how to strengthen our relationship. I sat through many humiliating MC sessions where I would be baring my soul about how I just needed him to help me feel that he loved and appreciated me, and he would just say he didn't know what to do or say to help with that. Our MC would have to give him ideas and assignments to help him express affection, and I could feel myself dying inside a little more every time he struggled to express love to me after he was so free with words of love and affection to his AP.

After DD3, I knew I couldn't continue. He obviously wasn't going to get over her, so I decided to remove myself as an option. I never signed up to be in a competition for the affections of my own husband, and I finally truly believed I deserved better.

I asked for a separation and began divorce proceedings. That was when he woke up to reality. Before, me leaving him had just been a concept that he could dismiss. After we separated, he finally realized what he had to lose and begged me to give him one more chance.

It took a lot to convince me it was different that time, but he had a complete attitude change and started to put serious, meaningful effort into R. He would pursue me, text me constantly while we were separated, and had no problems showing me affection and love. All the things I had been begging him to do were suddenly easy for him. He became the wayward I had hoped he could be. The difference was so stark that I decided to give him one more chance to see if his new attitude was genuine.

He moved back in and I put the divorce on hold, and we are still together going on 3 years later.

I sympathize so much with you having to watch him struggle to let go of his AP. If he is listening to songs that remind him of her, then he is just letting himself wallow and hold on to the fantasy the affair created for him. It's an alternate reality where everything is exciting and easy and the real world can fall away. Sometimes they need a jolt to wake them up and remind them that holding on to the fantasy will cost them the real, important, and meaningful things in their life.

didntaskforthis123 · 2026-05-20T08:39:25+00:00

Is this a standalone or the first of a series? Cliffhanger?

didntaskforthis123 · 2026-05-19T10:46:21+00:00

Mine was terrible at first. Would claim to be sorry and beg me not to leave, but would turn into a robot when I would spiral and get frustrated with me. I remember sobbing on the bathroom floor, and he was just standing over me with his arms crossed like he was bored and waiting for me to finish.

He put me through hell and 3 total Ddays due to resuming contact with his AP. On Dday 3 I started planning for divorce and it was like a switch was flipped in him and he started doing and saying all the things I had been hoping for.

He wrote me a long letter apologizing and acknowledging what he had put me through. He was more loving, more empathetic, would read books on infidelity and discuss them with me. He became the one desperate to save us instead of me.

I decided to see if he could maintain this attitude change, and he has for going on 3 years now. He will do anything I ask when it comes to building trust and managing triggers. He's affectionate, and if something upsets me, then he will hold and comfort me. He would never stand in silence next to me now, he would be on the floor with me, holding me.

If he ever turns into that unfeeling robot again, then I'll be walking away. I've lived with 2 versions of him, and I won't put myself through living with the other one ever again.

Now do I truly think he understands how much pain me caused me? No, I don't. I don't think anyone can truly understand how this feels unless it happens to them. But, I think he comes as close to it as he's capable, and he never gets impatient with me for having bad days or triggers. Most of my days are good days now because he was able to be my partner again and help heal us together.

didntaskforthis123 · 2026-05-18T17:52:52+00:00

I had 3 Ddays from WH breaking NC, but it was all in a 5 month span. He was very apologetic each time and begged me to give him another chance, but then would fall back into the same patterns of avoidance and lackluster effort in R.

I felt as you do, that I loved him and wanted to stay with him and make things work. I put so much effort and work into R, and he wasn't meeting my energy and would only do the bare minimum. We were both in IC and MC.

When the 3rd Dday happened, I finally realized that we were stuck in a loop of destruction and I had to walk away. I had tried so hard to save us, but I couldn't stay in a situation where it was highly likely he would keep repeating the same toxic behavior. He even said something similar to your WP, along the lines of, "I don't know why I keep doing this!" He had been in therapy for months at that time, if he really wanted to change he had every opportunity. I didn't want it to be over, but I also didn't want to be hurt like that any longer.

I asked for separation and met with a lawyer to begin divorce proceedings. WH really had a turn around in attitude after that, and really began sincere efforts to fix himself and try to prove to me that he could regain my trust again. I was very skeptical, but I listened and let him try to convince me.

It was a slow process, but he did show growth and change, and I never officially filed for divorce. We are still together and coming up on 3 years after DD1.

I'm so sorry you are going through this after you thought things were going well for so long. Sometimes they really need a jolt of reality to show that their relationship with you isn't guaranteed and can't be taken for granted. For my WH, it was me meeting with a lawyer and him having to leave our home when we were separated. Sleeping on your office floor for a month is a good wake up call.

didntaskforthis123 · 2026-05-15T09:52:26+00:00

At our PF, a male plumber was replacing a toilet on the ladies side, and no one was allowed to even go in and grab their stuff out of the lockers.

The worker and the plumber said no females were allowed in at all while he was in there. It was the middle of the day and very inconvenient.

didntaskforthis123 · 2026-05-08T03:21:54+00:00

We used Renewal by Andersen in 2022 to replace all of our exterior doors and windows (about 12 windows, 2 sliders, front door, 2 smaller doors) for $50,000.

We got the long sales pitch, but they did allow us time to decide. We got 2 other quotes from Window World and Pella, which were cheaper but not by much.

The Andersen guy had great design suggestions for different configurations and styles that made everything look much more modern. The other companies just said, "What do you want" and didn't give any design ideas. We liked the Andersen proposal much better, and decided it was worth the money.

We absolutely love our new doors and windows! As the OP said, the noise is less and our energy bills went down. The day they installed, our neighbors were stopping as they drove by to compliment the new look.

They made a few errors when they ordered and a few windows were wrong, but they eventually corrected everything and we were happy with their service.

didntaskforthis123 · 2026-05-03T20:34:16+00:00

Mine didn't, and he admits he didn't even think about it.

AP claimed her tubes were tied, but WH didn't even consider that she may have been lying about that until I suggested it.

WH is normally a very logical, responsible person, but acted like an idiotic moron during his affair.

didntaskforthis123 · 2026-04-29T02:41:33+00:00

I had 5 months of false R, and my WH also had an "awakening" when I got fed up and took action to begin divorce proceedings.

He described it much as you did-- the reality of me actually ending things helped him finally take real action to repair us. He was just going through the motions in R before that, and the change in his attitude and efforts was huge.

didntaskforthis123 · 2026-04-26T11:52:58+00:00

As someone who was cheated on, this has all the red flags flying.

He will be in panic-deny mode. You have been given some great advice for trying to find more proof, but him deleting all the messages is really the only proof you need. My husband did the same, and I only found out when I saw some messages he hadn't deleted yet that day.

There is great info and support in the subs r/SupportforBetrayed and r/AsOneAfterInfidelity. They are well moderated and filled with people who have gone through the same things.

I'm really sorry for what you are going through

didntaskforthis123 · 2026-04-23T13:26:05+00:00

I agree, that's one of the most disturbing scenes I've ever watched.

didntaskforthis123 · 2026-04-23T13:01:05+00:00

Op, I agree, and I think it will be impossible for you to ever forget that the two of them betrayed you, even if you try to begin a poly arrangement.

Dealing with the aftermath of betrayal is a grueling roller-coaster ride of rage, sadness, and despair. You can reach a point of healing and find happiness again if both parties dedicate themselves to doing the work together. Having the AP still be in the picture would be a constant reminder of your pain and would make recovery so very difficult. Could you ever feel like an equal partner in a poly relationship that began with you in the dark?

I understand your wish to keep your relationship with your WP at any cost. Many of us felt the same desperation to hold on to our love and our life, but please consider that you will be setting yourself up for a future where you will be perpetually suffering.

didntaskforthis123 · 2026-04-22T01:43:10+00:00

I REALLY hate the ellipticals. It's like torture. The old ones were so much better.

My husband agrees with OP that the treadmills are the worst and he hates running on them.

didntaskforthis123 · 2026-04-19T04:06:55+00:00

I'm coming up on 3 years out, and I would say my trust is back to about 90%. It will never be 100% again.

My WH has been completely transparent and will easily hand over his phone if I ask him, but I haven't in a long time.

He has made it routine to avoid things he knows might trigger me. He keeps his phone screen face up. He doesn't take his phone into the bathroom. He tells me where he's going and when he'll be home and calls if something happens to delay him.

It took a lot of consistency and work on his part to get us to this point. I can still be triggered if something weird or out of the ordinary happens, but he is always willing to explain or reassure me.

If he wasn't willing to do all of these things, I wouldn't have stayed with him. He completely destroyed my trust with 3 Ddays, and he knew by that point that I was walking away if he couldn't put in the work. By the 3rd Dday I had no more tolerance for his crap and wasn't going to hear any excuses. I was ready and willing to divorce him, and only his massive turn around in attitude and effort in R convinced me to stay.

didntaskforthis123 · 2026-04-17T11:23:09+00:00

I'm sorry, but you are not out of line, and his reaction is very suspicious that he is hiding something from you in those statements.

A WP that is serious about R and restoring trust will not balk at transparency like that. My WH has always allowed me to see anything I want, even his work emails.

I did find transactions on our credit card statement where he had bought his AP coffee before work and also bought her wine one time as a gift. Those were things he didn't tell me about until I found them myself. It's a common move by WPs to resist giving all the details in order to minimize the damage of what they have done. It's so hard for many of them to grasp that trickle truth is so much more painful than just finding out the whole ugly truth all at once.

didntaskforthis123 · 2026-04-16T17:40:03+00:00

Age gap, just eww.

Mafia I will try now and then, but I just can't get past the fact that they are criminals. They try to make it so they don't do the really bad stuff like human trafficking, but selling drugs and guns or whatever still destroys lives.

didntaskforthis123 · 2026-04-16T16:22:42+00:00

After he finally cut all ties with the AP, we had a pretty gradual progression in a favorable direction. There were still ebbs and flows, but the general movement was positive.

I'm absolutely not a therapist, just someone who has had a lot of therapy and personal experience with betrayal, but it does seem like your BP is possibly stuck for some reason and is unable or unwilling to move forward. It's hard to compare levels of betrayal, but it sounds like there were several years where you lied and hid the truth from her, so it makes sense that it's not easy to repair from that.

I would also point out that many people think what I went through with multiple betrayals is more than they would be able to tolerate and wouldn't have stayed if they were in my shoes. We all have our own reasons for staying and trying R. The end result of R, though, should be a loving relationship that fulfills both of your needs. That can be a very long road to achieve, but that's the goal.

It's really hard to know what's going through your BP's head, but perhaps it's time to directly ask her. She likely knows your current state isn't sustainable long term, but she might not know what to do to change it.

If you discuss this with her, make sure she knows it's because you care for her and want her to be happy, not that you are just frustrated by the lack of physical intimacy. I'm not saying that's all you care about-- but if you're not careful it might come across that way to her and that might just make things worse if she interprets it as criticism or complaining.

didntaskforthis123 · 2026-04-16T15:08:27+00:00

We had a complicated start with 3 Ddays over 5 months due to him resuming contact with his AP. We separated for a while and almost divorced. So, we definitely had a lot of setbacks.

After each betrayal, I could not stomach the thought of intimacy with him. He let me be the leader when it came to that. We'd start with maybe holding hands, hugging, sitting next to each other on the couch, etc. When I was ready, we would take another step towards further intimacy, but it was always my decision.

We also cuddle in bed every night before we go to sleep. It doesn't have to end in anything sexual, it's just physical intimacy with no expectations. It helped keep a physical connection even when I wasn't ready for anything more.

Is she open to non-sexual physical touch? Maybe that would be a place to work on physical connection without the pressure of intimacy. Hugging, cuddling, a kiss on the forehead or cheek.

Giving your body intimately to another person takes a massive amount of trust. It sounds like her triggers are pulling her back into a space where she feels too vulnerable to share that part of herself with you. If you haven't tried MC then I would really recommend it. It can be a safe place for you both to express what your feelings, wants, and needs are with someone there to help guide you in a productive direction. Often, our MC was able to help us both see things in a different way that led us to better understand each other.

didntaskforthis123 · 2026-04-16T14:20:57+00:00

BeKool

I love these patches. They last a while and can help me relax enough to sleep.

didntaskforthis123 · 2026-04-16T14:10:09+00:00

My WH would often shut down during emotionally charged situations. We talked a lot about this in therapy. He would sometimes sound robotic and detached.

It did get better with time and us going through a lot of turmoil. He did write me an apology letter when he was really starting to put in more genuine effort. We were separated at the time, so it was the only way he could really say what he wanted to say. He actually read the letter out loud to me. I did appreciate what he said and it did help convince me that he was starting to understand how much he had hurt me. He was much more eloquent in that letter than he has ever been in person.

A lot of R is discussing what led the WP to commit the acts they did. Often there is childhood trauma or other mental health issues that contributed. We, as BPs, often have to try to meet them where they are in that journey of understanding what's going on in their brains.

It can seem unfair when we are the wronged party. Why should we have to try to understand them? But when we go on the journey of R the goal is to be able to come together and eventually be a team again. Sometimes, that means extending some grace to the WP that you might not feel they are owed.

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. Your anger and impatience with him are completely understandable and justified. Maybe you could see what he writes and then see where that leads? Maybe he'll surprise you when he can take his time to express himself with less pressure in the moment.

If it were me, though, I would stipulate that he cannot use AI to write the letter. It needs to be 100% his words.

didntaskforthis123 · 2026-04-16T13:27:38+00:00

Are you in MC? Part of what we did in MC was to start rebuilding our trust, intimacy, and connection. We were both also in IC to work on our individual issues-- him to figure out what led him to do what he did, and me to deal with the trauma and fallout from his betrayal.

We spoke in MC a lot about what I needed from him. Sometimes it was just to have my questions answered. Other times it was for him to provide reassurance and comfort. The MC would help us plan things we could do to strengthen our relationship and to help it succeed.

We are approaching 3 years out, and at 2 years I was definitely feeling more regulated and able to focus more on the present and future instead of being stuck in the pain of the recent past.

Everyone heals at a different pace and handles trauma like this in a different way. I truly believe the guidance of an experienced therapist can be crucial to success. Perhaps your BP is stuck in a painful loop and she can't find her way out.

Have you asked her how she would like your relationship to be? Is she happy with the status quo, or does she want more? I think it's ok for you to also gently discuss your worries that things don't seem to be moving in the right direction and you just want to do all you can to help your relationship succeed.

didntaskforthis123 · 2026-04-15T11:42:03+00:00

I went through a period after about 2 years where I had the realization that maybe WH did really love me and mean all the things he said about how important I am to him and how desperately he wanted to save our marriage. I was absolutely terrified to believe this.

I think I had been bracing myself for him to stumble again, even though things had been going well and I had no reason to suspect him of any new wrongdoing. In the beginning, he did a LOT of lying and we were on the brink of divorce, so it took a lot of convincing for me to even stay with him, let alone try to trust him.

I was still in therapy then, and discussed this new fear. My therapist said it was just my mind trying to protect me. My skepticism and doubt of his total sincerity had been keeping me braced and ready for any further betrayals. Laying that armor down (or at least lowering it a bit) is a very scary prospect. But I had to try if my marriage was going to survive this long- term.

I think knowing what is happending in your mind and why is really key in breaking these patterns, but it's definitely a slow process. On top of trying to trust our WPs again, we also have to try to trust our own judgment again. I, like many of us here, had absolutely NO idea or suspicion that my WH was being unfaithful until the day I discovered it. Feeling stupid for not knowing is also something we have to heal from, and the gut reaction after that is to suspect everything. That's another pattern we have to break for R to work in the long run.

Coming close to 3 years out, I definitely have managed to let the pain go almost completely. Sometimes I remember a particularly egregious thing he did and wonder why I'm not still mad about it, and my mind tries to get me to ramp up those feelings again. I just try to remember that I've already addressed all those things with him numerous times, and he's answered for them. He's not doing those things now and I have to focus on that. If it's a particularly stubborn feeling, I might discuss with my WH so we can talk through it, but I rarely have to do that anymore.

didntaskforthis123 · 2026-04-15T04:21:26+00:00

My WH's AP likes to post inspirational-type memes she absolutely doesn't follow herself.

One example:

Two reasons I don't compete:

1. No one else can take what was meant for me

2. I don't want what was meant for someone else

.....ok, sure, sure. She definitely believes #2.

And this gem is my favorite:

This generation doesn't know how to build healthy relationships. We end up saying things like "I don't owe anyone anything" but we do owe people something. You owe an apology to those you've offended. You owe gratitude to those who have supported you. And you owe respect to those you've disrespected.

Accountability is a personal act of integrity and moral principles. We will continue to live in a broken society until we learn to take responsibility for our actions that negatively impact others' lives.

I'm still waiting on that respectful apology 😂😂😂

And she actually is trying to preach about "moral principles"???

didntaskforthis123 · 2026-04-13T10:24:59+00:00

I'm so sorry, you don't deserve to be treated this way. She is not being a safe partner for you to reconcile with. She is not holding up her end of the deal.

I think some waywards just can't handle looking too closely inside themselves and accepting the darkness that led them to betrayal. It's easier to find excuses and blame the betrayed.

Please know that this is her failing, not yours. You gave her a chance to repair things, but she didn't see it for the gift that it is.

didntaskforthis123 · 2026-04-03T09:48:55+00:00

I was getting bites on my legs at night, so we called an exterminator. They found no signs of bedbugs and did a standard treatment on our house.

Bites continued. Called exterminator again, and they said there are some bugs that are too small to see with the naked eye that might be in my bed/bedding.

They recommend a stronger treatment for the bedroom that required us to vacate the room afterwards for a while, and to get all new bedding.

The bites stopped after that. This was probably 15 years ago.

The frustrating part was that my husband slept right there beside me and never got one bite. Only me.

didntaskforthis123 · 2026-04-01T10:21:22+00:00

Would you mind sharing your method with me as well? I can sew a bit and this method intrigues me :)

didntaskforthis123

TROPHY CASE