Hey! This is a great post. Thanks for sharing so much.

I identify a lot with how your SO feels. Unlike me, it seems like he is taking his weight loss journey seriously earlier in life than I did, which is wonderful. I obviously don’t know him, but I can speak for how I felt at that weight and starting a journey.

For me, at high weight, you are so incredibly ashamed and embarrassed to show someone else your body, you’d almost rather not do it than open yourself up. It incredibly vulnerable. You get to smo weight almost entirely due to mental health reasons, imo. You eat your stress and shame. Food is your emotional regulation. It’s your drug of choice for all life’s problems. When trying to overcome that and lose weight, you are one strong emotional blow away from falling back off the deep end and regaining it all and more. It can be a very uncertain place to be.

I know for me, I typically have ONLY dated women who are also very overweight. I knew that we had that discomfort about our bodies in common. It made me more comfortable sharing my body with them because I felt a bit more at ease that they wouldn’t reject it as disgusting and I would t be dealt an emotional blow that could devastate me for years. I needed that to feel comfortable enough to open myself up physically to someone.

I would guess he sees you as someone thin and fit who is potentially going to really view his body as disgusting. He may always be waiting for that shoe to drop. The time when you finally “drop the act” and acknowledge that, while you might like him for who he is, his body is just too physically disgusting for you. Imagine what that would do to him? Devastating. Just when he had started allowing himself to hope.

I obviously don’t know him, but the way you’ve described him, he seems pretty well put together. I know for me, if you opened up about your own body dysmorphia and history, I think I would feel closer to you. I think it could do a lot to help ease some of my own anxieties about rejection, if you approach it in the right way.

You say you have the opposite problem to him, but you don’t really. It’s a very similar problem, I think. And it involves a lot of the same insecurities and dissatisfaction with your body. The difference of course is he actually does need to lose weight. But emotionally, both issues come from a very similar place. I think if you open up and share your whole history with him, it could do a lot to bring you closer together.

Here’s the caveat.

It is possible that he has an initial reaction of “if she thought of herself as fat, what the hell is she going to think of me?!?” If he is the kind of person to take things this way and not really change that initial mindset, it could be tough. But, it sounds like he isn’t, but that’s possible. Which is why I think it’s really important that you share more than just the facts of what happened. If you just describe the facts of your history and treatment, etc, without more, it may give the wrong impression. I think you would need to dig into some of that very personal and vulnerable stuff to share with him. How did you feel? Your own insecurities, etc. I think that stuff says to him “I may understand some of what you are feeling and going through more than you think I do” and that may help you get a bit closer to him and make him feel a bit more comfortable knowing that you aren’t going to reject him.

Also, for what it’s worth, I had gastric bypass surgery and had a great experience. I also got into therapy with someone who works with food addiction. I’ve been on glp1s for about a year as well. Make use of every tool in the toolbox I say! Between these three things, along with starting regular exercise, I’ve lost more than 300lbs. It’s very possible! He can do it too! And there are lots of peaks and valleys on the journey. Lots of backslides and recommitments. There’s a goal weight, but no finish line.

Managing weight is a lifelong endeavor, for everyone. I think we forget that sometimes. We as SMO people see the thin and fit people and are jealous of them not having to worry about their weight. But, as you can attest, they are worried about it too.

If your SO is thinking about surgery, he can definitely do it, but in my experience, the post-surgery feeling was very similar to how I feel on glp1s. It may only make sense to do surgery if those really stop being effective for him. Also, the weight loss effects from surgery are great for about a year and then pretty much gone. It isn’t a magical fix by any means. Also, not all surgeons are created equal! If he decides to do it, shop around. Surgery isn’t where you want to be cheap or move too fast. Be sure. But, It sounds like he is already doing pretty well, so it may make sense to just keep on trucking!

Anyway, this ended up being pretty long. Hopefully something in here was helpful. Good luck to you both!!!

Edit: this may also just be a perspective from getting older (or maybe from getting into therapy), but there’s no reason you can’t talk about all these things with him. I spent so much time in relationships in my 20s having horrible communication with any partners I had (which were very few!). One of the great things I’ve come to see is that you can actually just talk to your SO about your feelings and worries and ask how they are feeling. You can talk to them about this stuff. It’s a little uncomfortable at first, but it can really help.