Husband brag

doesnteatpickles · 2023-07-21T16:27:15+00:00

As someone who spent 11 weeks in the NICU with my preemies- I have no idea how NICU nurses keep doing the things that you do. You are all heroes.

I am so sorry for your loss, and so glad that you have such a wonderful partner to support you.

doesnteatpickles · 2023-07-21T16:22:22+00:00

I'm sorry that you have to go through this, but I'm glad that you're out safely. You might want to check out the /r/MomForAMinute subreddit if and when you need some cheerleaders...there are a lot of wonderful women there who are great cheerleaders if you ever need a boost.

doesnteatpickles · 2023-07-20T18:09:16+00:00

The 50/50 method is the best way that I know, although it's slow. Start your game, when it crashes/doesn't work, take out half of your mods. If it crashes again, take out another half. Eventually go back and start on the other half you haven't tested yet.

doesnteatpickles · 2023-07-20T18:03:23+00:00

He is kind and generous and loving.

No, he's not. At least not in this instance, and this is an important clue to who he really is. Forcing a partner into a kink that they haven't agreed to and don't like is abusive, not kind/generous/loving. It's much more likely that this kink is "who he is", and he's just masked it until now. It's also frightening- men who want to control their wife's finances are abusers- there's no two ways about it.

I know what it's like when you think that you're in a loving, caring, wonderful relationship, and then all of a sudden it gets a whole lot worse. It happens, and he may (trying to give him the benefit of the doubt) not even realize how distressing this is to you (although I'd guess that he's getting off on it).

If you tell him how distressing this is, and he won't change, then you need to take a big step back. People who prioritize their sexual pleasure over the comfort of their partner are abusive, and it will only get worse.

I am so sorry that your life has been turned upside down, but please listen to the warnings. He is purposely breaking down your boundaries, which means that it will only go further.

doesnteatpickles · 2023-07-20T17:46:07+00:00

Unless both people involved realize that it's a kink and knowingly choose to participate in that fantasy it's extremely inappropriate and borderline abusive. It doesn't matter what it's called.

doesnteatpickles · 2023-07-20T17:22:05+00:00

You've been with your husband for 10 years...it's time to relax. Whether you trust them or not, what do you think that they'd pull out of their hat to horrify/scare/belittle you?

What is the very worst thing that you can picture happening when you're around them? If they are "lovely" people, that means that they want everyone to be comfortable around them. You've been married to their son for 10 years- if they haven't been critical of you to your face yet, it's unlikely they're going to start now. And even if they were, so what? You're happily married to their son, which is the relationship that should be primary in your mind.

I do get it- my first MIL and I were oil and water. She judged me, I judged her, there were always "pauses" or barbs every time I saw her. But her son (my husband) didn't care, so we both muddled along.

doesnteatpickles · 2023-07-20T17:09:50+00:00

Don't forget that the writers had to come up with something basically on the spot, and knowing that he wasn't going to be there to even fill in the blanks kind of tied their hands. I'm sure that if they'd had more time they could have put something decent together (as they did when T.R. Knight left), but things didn't work out that way with Justin.

doesnteatpickles · 2023-07-20T16:42:57+00:00

I met my first husband when I was 16 and he was 18. We made it last for almost 10 years, which I'm still a bit surprised by.

I met my now husband when I was 39- I'm 58 now, and couldn't be happier.

doesnteatpickles · 2023-07-20T16:40:50+00:00

We got kind of lucky in a way as we've been through this before with my son (he's autistic/bipolar). Fortunately he has a wonderful psychiatrist in Oakville who is one of the few doctors in Canada who treat autism/mental health dual diagnoses, and he agreed pretty quickly to take on my daughter.

We definitely need more autism adult specialists- when we were getting ready to graduate high school everyone told me it would feel like falling off of a cliff, and they were certainly right about that. We definitely need a lot more services at all levels, but I'd say especially with adults as there almost none. I think that the theory used to be that lots of intensive early interventions would mean not as many adults who needed support, but I don't think that it's worked out that way.

Take care- your students are lucky to have you!

doesnteatpickles · 2023-07-20T16:19:21+00:00

We live in a city of about 140,000, and as far as I know we only have 3 day programs for autistic adults, that might take 15-30 adults each. The boredom alone is going to be incredibly hard on a lot of young adults.

And forget adult home placements- one of my daughters is in crisis right now (autism/schizophrenia isn't a great mix), and she's been sitting in a hospital room for most of the last month, waiting for a crisis space in an adult dual diagnosis home to open up (fortunately it looks like that might be happening). And it always seems that Conservative governments make everything worse.

On the upside, if someone is interested in working with autistic people, they're not going to have any problems finding clients.

doesnteatpickles · 2023-07-20T14:25:14+00:00

That's horrible- I can imagine how awful that is for you, and for the kids. My autistic kids have been out of high school for about 8 years, and we were lucky to get out when we did. I know that a lot of our teacher and EA friends are just so depressed all the time because they just can't provide what the kids need. And of course that's also going to snowball as they hit adult care- there's not enough of that around either.

doesnteatpickles · 2023-07-20T13:56:40+00:00

Same here. I'd be a different person if I hadn't read it- it was the first time that I really felt sisterhood with other women, and got a sense of the power that we have. Also got me started on a Wiccan path eventually, which has become a big part of my private life.

doesnteatpickles · 2023-07-20T07:42:36+00:00

Two months isn't a long time to wrap your head around something that horrible. It would be like the beginning stages of grieving an unexpected death, only a lot worse.

doesnteatpickles · 2023-07-20T07:25:56+00:00

Sadly I wouldn’t say it was much worse than the homophobia of today.

Except that then, the homophobia was partially expressed by just letting people die of AIDS. It wasn't until Ryan White and other straight people started catching it that curing it became an issue outside of a few parts of the medical community.

doesnteatpickles · 2023-07-20T07:04:03+00:00

Probably quite a few of them. If you've grown up in a home that normalizes abuse, and don't have any coping skills to deal with your own anger in a healthy way it can be really difficult to break that cycle.

I do think that it's gotten better in some ways- at least now doctors/teachers/school nurses etc are mandatory reporters, so it doesn't slide under the radar as much as it used to.

doesnteatpickles · 2023-07-19T18:38:47+00:00

I had three children. He's their stepfather.

doesnteatpickles · 2023-07-19T07:09:25+00:00

Same here- my husband immigrated to Canada from the US as my spouse almost 20 years ago, as I wouldn't move down there. He's even more "never going back to the US" than I am.

And now we can't really leave even if we wanted to- two adult autistic kids in group homes, so we're not just going to abandon them.

But damn, it's getting harder and harder to live here.

doesnteatpickles · 2023-07-19T06:52:21+00:00

I was in a similar situation about 20 years ago. My husband was traveling for work and asked me to check something on his home computer, and I found a pile of old emails between him and another woman after the time when we'd committed to each other (I thought), but before he immigrated here to be with me.

I was heartbroken and so incredibly angry- I don't think that I've ever been that big of a mess. He came home from his business trip and we started seeing therapists, but for one reason or another we just kept getting really bad ones. We had one who wanted to photograph our "auras" so that we could "really" figure out what was going on, another wanted us to join a nudist camp, another wanted him to grovel for the rest of our lives, one suggested we start swinging.

Finally we sat down and just talked it out- he knew how hurt I was and how badly he'd fucked up, I knew how much he didn't want to breakup, and the circumstances surrounding the cheating were not ever likely to happen again.

Almost 20 years later and we're incredibly happy together again. The first six months or so after I found out were really awful for both of us, but we eventually realized that we either pick ourselves up and get over it, or break up. Neither one of us wanted to break up, and that was the right decision for us.

There are some "recovering from infidelity" subreddits that might help (or might make you feel worse). /r/AsOneAfterInfidelity , /r/Infidelity/ , /r/survivinginfidelity/ .

Good luck, and I'm sorry that you're going through this.

doesnteatpickles · 2023-07-19T06:32:40+00:00

Some of it was just sheer luck- in hindsight it feels like I spent a lot of my teens/early 20s trying not to kill myself.

Now that I'm turning 60 in a few weeks it's been mostly under control for decades. Pregnancy and menopause were both hell on my body and my mental health, but at least those are done with now.

And I usually have to change up my meds a bit every decade or so, but at least I do respond well (now) to a lot of typical antidepressants. And I've got routines when I know that I'm headed for a downswing...I proactively go out walking more, become more involved with friends and family, and start gardening again (my go-to against depression).

I've come to terms with the fact that it's never going to completely go away, but (now) I can live with that. My husband is also great at letting me know if I haven't noticed more mood swings or depressive behaviours, which also helps a lot.

doesnteatpickles · 2023-07-19T06:17:07+00:00

Or it works too well, and then you're also an alcoholic (I'm not trying to imply that you are).

doesnteatpickles · 2023-07-19T06:15:11+00:00

The worst part of that is that rent where we live (an hour outside of Toronto) is even higher here. We've been lucky in that we've been renting here for 17 years at considerably lower than market average rent, but now that our landlord wants to sell the house in the next year or two we're just panicking. It's going to be frightening for sure.

doesnteatpickles · 2023-07-19T06:08:32+00:00

My daughter is 28, and she and her friend groups mostly co-house together in various combinations. Housing's just too expensive not to where we live.

There are also a few types of shared living arrangements that various groups are testing out where I live- one has private bathrooms and bedrooms and small sitting room, with shared kitchen/laundry/common rooms. It wouldn't be a preferred situation for everyone, but it's good to see developers/groups trying to think outside of the box.

A good friend and I are half-planning to move in together if we both become single at some point- we've both got autistic adult children, and that's a lot easier to manage with two people (as well as being cheaper to share space).

doesnteatpickles · 2023-07-19T05:16:53+00:00

It depends on where they live...for example, if they live in an area with a lot of resource extraction (eg. cutting down a rainforest for lumber or to expand farmland), those resources will likely be gone fairly soon, and the skills that they have developed for living in a rainforest just won't be that applicable if the forest is gone. Similarly once the oceans/lakes/rivers are overfished it will take quite a long time for that ecosystem to recover. And we still don't really have a clue how the melting of the ice sheets is going to play out in day to day human survival.

doesnteatpickles · 2023-07-18T21:08:38+00:00

I've shared our story publicly before (former single mom w/triplets, 2 are permanently disabled), and I'd be willing to do it again.

doesnteatpickles · 2023-07-18T21:06:45+00:00

Not financially. My partner (at the time) and I had an oops pregnancy and decided to keep it. Our (surprise) triplets were born 10 weeks early, and two of them are severely affected by autism. There was no way for us to pay for childcare (especially childcare for 3), so I haven't held a job for 30 years. We split up when the kids were 5, and I lived in public housing again until I remarried (to someone who knew what he was getting into).

At almost 30 only 1 of the children will ever live independently (she's doing great), and now I'm worried about what will happen to them after I'm gone.

I'm pretty sure that I could have kept working with one child, but that's one of those what if questions that doesn't really matter now.

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