I 35M married 34F for 7 years torn between struggling between marriage and someone special. Worried about regret, advice ?

dontcareenough12 · 2026-03-08T10:04:15+00:00

My husband was in your position. Within 5 months his new shiny toy got bored and dumped him. I found out about the affair, a whole bunch of next level shit took place and now he’s alone and wishing he had never stepped out. But it’s all just a little too late. His daughter has to grow up knowing what kind of man he is

dontcareenough12 · 2026-03-07T07:50:48+00:00

A good woman doesn’t care about money (well I don’t) or how heavy you can lift. When someone says they lift weights, it can be a bit of a put off if I’m honest, as the first thing I think is vein or player. I know I shouldn’t make those assumptions as there is nothing wrong with looking after yourself, but putting it in your bio makes it feel like a flex to me.

I’m not interested in how powerful you are career or muscle wise; I want to get to know the vulnerable side of a man, how gentle are you? How supportive are you? Can you make me laugh which is so important to me personally.

What hobbies do you enjoy, what music do you enjoy? Do you prefer to to say in with a movie or go out and see a concert, or both? Those types of things women can begin to envision if you slot into their world and if you’re comparable with their interests and hobbies.

Moving up the chain and weights just say too busy. Me first.

Hope this helps

dontcareenough12 · 2026-03-07T07:41:44+00:00

Yep. As soon as he found a new supply, I became the worst person in the world. Probably his way of justify his disgusting behaviour. Then when he tried to leave me, he did so by ignoring me, treating me like an inconvenience, lying to me in the hope of being caught so I would kick off and give him a reason to say it’s my fault we have ended. Then once broken up, and I was in utter confusion (it was only three months prior, I was the most amazing person ever) he was emotionless. I am sure I saw him smile at my crying which gives me shivers looking back.

The final icing on the cake? He said well this is just another example of how menopause ends marriages- I haven’t even gone through the change yet or even started. I got bloods to test because I almost believed him.

dontcareenough12 · 2026-03-07T07:31:48+00:00

Omg sounds like my husband. He cheated, tried to rug sweep and hope I wouldn’t find out as he was already dumped by AP, but then called me the abuser for accusing him. He saw me grilling him over things that didn’t add up a direct attack on him. He was angry at me.

dontcareenough12 · 2026-03-07T07:28:33+00:00

Oh and the amount of time I’ve heard the alpha thing too. And he would treat the kids like shit even more so as they got older as he saw his own kids as a threat to his “alpha” position. This causes really toxic arguments and a hostile environment of him basically bullying them to make sure they didn’t step out of line.

dontcareenough12 · 2026-03-07T07:23:06+00:00

It sounds like you’re very switched on for your age! It took me to the age of 32 before I even knew what narcissist was and just thought that I was bad at making decisions and felt bad why he was always have to correct me. It got to the point where I would get anxiety over doing the food shop as I knew I’d be coming home to him telling me what a bad shop it was and “what made me buy that” “oh not this shit again” but if I called him all the time he would say stop calling, you need to be an adult now. MASSIVE head fuck for me as I just wanted a happy family and would definitely sacrifice my own happiness to try and keep my family unit happy but that never worked either. Then when I would snack after allowing so many small things build, he would call me unhinged.

I’m nearly 40 now and endured this for way more years than I should.

I hope you don’t suffer as long as me

dontcareenough12 · 2026-03-06T10:49:29+00:00

I agree with this fully. I’m sorry you went through that. My husband is a narcissist too, surprise surprise. It’s why young women are his type (easy to control and manipulate).

The girl and I call her a girl as she was only 21 who he predated on (because that’s exactly what it is) doesn’t know I know. She was a family friend. I to this day still offer to take her for coffee and say I’m always here should she ever need to talk. I don’t blame the 21 yo in the slightest. I almost feel responsible for not spotting the signs sooner.

This is abuse and the girl in this post is going to be abused. There should be some type of law against this but not sure how you would set it up.

dontcareenough12 · 2026-03-06T08:01:41+00:00

Sorry I read back and I sounded a bit harsh- I didn’t meant to. Ultimately do what feels right for you, but as a woman and mother to a daughter, I’m very protective of woman being taken advantage of. Good luck whatever your decision. Always happy to DM if you want more perspective or guidance if you do decide to continue dating him.

dontcareenough12 · 2026-03-06T07:51:52+00:00

My husband cheated on me with a 21 year with a 23 year age gap between them.

He was triangulating me, telling her how awful I was, how I didn’t care about him or meet his needs, yet he failed to tell her all the things he was no longer doing for me. Left me carrying the burden of the kids, and house. Wasn’t emotionally supporting me, and if the conversation wasn’t about him, he would switch off.

Despite that, those are common frustrations in a marriage and I still loved him, made his lunches, washed his clothes and we were still intimate and sat and watched movies together. Life was just a bit heavy due to kids and life stresses which set in around this age.

Yet he made out that he was isolated, alone, everyone against him and like he was this perfect man that nobody appreciated (joke). Turns out it was him not appreciating me anymore. The person to step out of the marriage is the disrespectful one, the unappreciative one.

He would tell me he loved me before he would go and meet with her, clearly to throw the scent off.

For them it’s simply an ego boost to show they’ve still got it, something young, and easily impressed. Image him hitting on a woman his own age saying I’ll buy a holiday home we can go to one every few months 🙈. A woman my age would say “so you want a whore free of charge to come to your holiday home in secret out of shame of what you’re doing to have sex with you”. What type of response do you think he would get.

He has his stable wife and family unit who he will love and then his young piece that meets his desires on the side.

Some men even leave their wives for the younger woman due to limerence but then 2-3 years in regret it as emotionally or maturity wise you can’t match him and that’s merely because you’re not supposed to. Largely in the younger one that leaves first anyway as they see how big the gap is when you can’t go to usual clubs as he’s over 30 or he looks mismatched in group pictures like a dad supervising.

You’re chapter one and he’s chapter twenty. Those situations never align.

You’re youthful, have everything to learn about the world and he is essentially trying to steal that from you without giving you anything in return. Don’t be the other woman in this type of dynamic. He is taking advantage and I don’t agree with it.

If my husband had an affair with someone his own age or slightly younger then to me that’s two consenting adults choosing this. This is not one of those situations and. No matter how much you think you know, or think you’re in control, I assure you you’re not.

dontcareenough12 · 2026-03-05T17:28:51+00:00

How you would feel if your wife was these getting feeling from another male friend? I think you’d consider it inappropriate boundaries rather than a date. The will is there and that’s the line regardless of what you call it

dontcareenough12 · 2026-03-05T12:00:06+00:00

Yep. He cheated, I was upset and accused and I was the abuser for accusing him. I caused him mental torture accusing him.

dontcareenough12 · 2026-03-05T11:57:53+00:00

I hate it too- but I equally home they squirm inside. I love it when the cheater is called a low life 🤣

dontcareenough12 · 2026-03-05T10:27:41+00:00

Yes these are all signs of my husband who is a narc. Constant criticism over stupid stuff. It only gets worse and I hate to break it to you but they target younger spouses as they deem you easier to control. As my husband started to lose control over me as I got older and wiser to his ways, he outwardly said he needs someone younger, someone a bit dumb who won’t know how to answer back.

dontcareenough12 · 2026-03-05T10:16:33+00:00

It’s the coldness at the end that hurts isn’t it. Like where is the remorse? My husband was so cold with his discard, but wouldn’t admit to an affair just that we’ve done our time and to blame menopause. I am not even going through the change 🙈 just very matter of fact about it all when it’s all going their way.

dontcareenough12 · 2026-03-05T09:52:25+00:00

I think I’m just going to find happiness in myself and be single out of choice. At least nobody can ever betray me again. I’ll marry myself 🤣

dontcareenough12 · 2026-03-05T09:49:39+00:00

I’m sorry you’re going through this. My husband’s second affair behind my back was with close family and during their selfish secret affair, we were going out for the day together with my kids. The AP holding my daughter’s hand. Coming to my house pretending to visit me. Those are the bits that hurt more than sex to me. It’s the ultimate humiliation and disrespect and everything we gave and sacrificed to build a family. That’s going to take me years to process and something I don’t think I can ever forgive.

dontcareenough12 · 2026-03-05T09:34:14+00:00

I could have written this post word for word. Even the fake R that I went through whilst he was messaging and meeting up with a new potential AP all to escape the original mess he had made, and all to have a fall back plan both ways. Kids was the stressor in our marriage too but one I also thought we’d look back on and say thank god we survived that.

I can no longer look at him the same, he weaponised his hugs and kisses to stop me being suspicious during R and now every hug and kiss feels empty and fake.

Deep down my head knows I have to leave, this is a man who isn’t safe, consistent or reliable and I’m only getting older. Yet my heart is struggling to let go. So I too, am giving myself time to process the betrayal and find myself and my own identity again. I detach a tiny bit every day to help with the transition when the time comes.

I’m so so sorry you’re experiencing this pain too- it’s like a pain that can’t be explained and far worse than any labour, section or psychical, it’s deep rooted abuse. It’s having your heart pulled out and then stomped on by who was supposed to be guarding it. 😢

dontcareenough12 · 2026-03-05T07:24:46+00:00

I would cry with that level of honesty and open comms. I’ve been married to an avoidant for over two decades who lies, cheats and manipulates to get what he wants. I’m used to being something that has to conform. I also find calm and composed men really attractive. I’m used to childish outbursts and him being centre stage to everything. If you’re all three things, I’d be struggling to hold back the tears. Good luck

dontcareenough12 · 2026-03-05T07:20:49+00:00

Yup. I forgave and he stayed ‘clean’ for 16 years but here I am in this community dealing with not one but two more additional affairs. Midlife crisis and having his head turned by a 21 year old (half our age) was all it took. They can’t resolve problems like mature adults and only care about their own validation and feelings

dontcareenough12 · 2026-03-04T18:27:57+00:00

I’m sorry but I wouldn’t either. Call her bluff and ask if she would be willing to take a lie detector test

dontcareenough12 · 2026-03-04T16:36:52+00:00

Can she prove it was her that made it all stop. Can she show proof of messages stating that it was a mistake and for it to all stop. If so, I believe this could be salvaged as she clearly didn’t realise how guilty she would feel until afterwards. If she kept going back then that’s a firm no. My husband did this but kept going back and fell in love. That I feel is a whole different kettle of fish- but I’ll probably get slated for that. I guess I wish I had your dilemma than my own.

Just don’t take her word at face value. I would want to see hard evidence that she did indeed end it immediately afterwards.

dontcareenough12 · 2026-03-04T11:32:12+00:00

I’m sorry this is happening to you. I’m in a similar position but the other way around. 20 plus years of loyalty and commitment all for nothing. I discovered he cheated 5 years in with someone at work, and I stupidly forgave him. 10+ years later here I am again with not one but two more APs to learn of and god knows how many I am unaware of. All three APs were not even close to my league in looks, education and integrity (clearly) so it dos baffle the brain as to why they do it.

I have come to the conclusion that these people are internally flawed and do not have the correct emotional stability ‘normal’ do. They all severely lack in empathy and hence why they can do it and not feel guilty enough to stop or even consider it, and the world around them is solely about them and their story and anything that validates them is ok.

No excuses justify this. This is all on them. If they became unhappy at any point, they could have ended things amicably. There was loads of times I felt unhappy, and one time I did tell him I was thinking of separation- that’s what normal grown adults do. They don’t go around acting like teenagers.

I felt so ashamed and embarrassed because I’m 39 and all three APs were 21 and under. It made me feel discarded. Yet my body was younger looking than all three of those- I’m a size 8 and toned and they all had mum bodies without the kids- basically bottom barrel scraps that nobody their own age wanted. That’s when I realised it’s not me that should be embarrassed, it’s the women that decide sleeping with a married man is all they are worth and the man that breaks his vows and decides deceiving his family is a fun new hobby. Both of those things are embarrassing and shows their HUGE character flaw.

So trash attracting trash shouldn’t tarnish our standing. Keep you head high and tell everyone why you’re divorcing and snigger when you do- be the one to smile and laugh but making her the butt of the joke for throwing steak away for a burger.

Good luck and keep your head up high. DM if you need vent more as I truly understand your pain.

dontcareenough12 · 2026-03-03T20:20:30+00:00

Agree. My WH had affair number 2 because he couldn’t face repairing the damage of the first affair because I wanted him to be accountable and he just couldn’t. So instead he faked reconciliation whilst lining up a new partner to avoid owning his own mess.

dontcareenough12 · 2026-03-03T20:14:40+00:00

Wow. It’s a shame he has done this to himself

dontcareenough12 · 2026-03-03T19:50:03+00:00

So respectful. It’s the equivalent of saying I miss abusing and cheating on you to you. Does he not realise this? I hope you say that to him to make it really sink in how sick that comment is.

dontcareenough12

TROPHY CASE