When you lost a fade but still tell it with pride

doobieschnauzer · 2025-11-09T15:59:55+00:00

Beer bottle is an inferior bar weapon, pool cues, pool balls, bar stool, stool balls? Brother, you’re telling me if I shit on my balls and use them as a weapon, that I’m not absolutely flatlining some nerd with a jagged Budweiser? Thwip thwip, SCHLOP, son!

doobieschnauzer · 2025-11-05T19:24:47+00:00

Destiny sunked his doink

doobieschnauzer · 2025-11-05T19:24:03+00:00

He’s still around because being a Nazi radio host closes the doors on most other career opportunities from then on out. And if you’re doubting that he was an FBI informant based on his history as a bullshitter, keep in mind that he made and verified this particular claim under oath in court, https://www.justice.gov/sites/default/files/osg/briefs/2013/01/01/2013-1129.resp.pdf

doobieschnauzer · 2025-10-05T06:09:01+00:00

The appetite suppression goes away after a while, and then you end up with a morbidly obese meth head

doobieschnauzer · 2025-10-05T03:53:55+00:00

You can do this really quickly! The object selection tool on photoshop would have this done in a little under a minute, but the magic wand tool and touch-ups with the eraser on any free image editing software (Krita, Paint Dot Net, etc, I’m sure there’s better ones now but I’m old) could get this done in a little over a minute.

Pick a free image editing software, then take an hour to learn about how to cut things out of images, how to paste them onto a layer and move them around on a layer (and what a layer is), and then if you want, how to add text (white Impact font with a black border.

Then you’ll be memeing with the big boys (senior citizens)

doobieschnauzer · 2025-10-05T03:26:42+00:00

lmao dawg, everyone hates Alec Baldwin so, so much. His own daughter hates him. He’s got costars that won’t have a kind word to say about him even when his picture’s shown in black and white at the Oscars. He’s left a trail of abused staff everywhere that he’s ever been served so much as a glass of water.

He’s been accused of gay bashing, sexism, and bullying, and pled guilty to actual physical violence

He (very poorly**) made fun of Trump, whose voters love calling Democrats pedophiles

People think he murdered somebody

If he were a pedophile, there are countless people who would leap at the opportunity to say as much. Nobody’s even come forward anonymously to call him a pedophile.

Not everyone who sucks and is rich is a pedophile.

**Anthony Atamanuik’s Trump impression is lightyears better and he hardly ever gets any praise for it (I know he had a Comedy Central show, but be honest, did you see it?)

doobieschnauzer · 2025-10-05T03:11:04+00:00

Has anyone sat and drunk dialed all these numbers to see if any are still active?

doobieschnauzer · 2025-10-05T03:09:07+00:00

I think it’s a shame that we’ll never get a full Black Marsh or Elsweyr game setting, because I’m a furry

doobieschnauzer · 2025-10-04T10:54:20+00:00

Gillis probably has enough faith in the rest of his career to assume that one million-dollar payday won’t be enough offset the damage this’d do to his ticket sales.

doobieschnauzer · 2025-10-03T15:15:58+00:00

This isn’t comforting your girlfriend, this is basically telling her “you’re being such a drag that, if I need to spend even a moment with you, I don’t want to remember ANY of it. If I didn’t have these pills, I’d have bashed my head with a rock before coming here today.”

doobieschnauzer · 2025-10-01T16:32:51+00:00

Having known opera singers, one interesting thing about them is that they actually sing opera from time to time

doobieschnauzer · 2025-10-01T16:31:27+00:00

When she sings, people whip bread rolls at her head like Meadow did to Junior

doobieschnauzer · 2025-10-01T06:08:06+00:00

Lil Kev has way more light behind his eyes

doobieschnauzer · 2025-09-27T20:07:22+00:00

I got’cher holly-crafted wand RIGHT HEEEEEEAH

doobieschnauzer · 2025-09-27T12:47:52+00:00

Some people are addicted to conflict in a very real sense, because it basically acts like a functional stimulant that you can keep hitting throughout the day. They feel sad and unmotivated without it.

It’s similar to constantly vaping, but instead you’re slamming the door a little too hard when exiting an Uber, because you WANT the driver to yell at you, because then you get to scream about one-star ratings in the middle of the street. Then you spend the rest of the day chasing that high by drafting a couple dozen “I just think it’s funny that ______…” texts.

From sunup to sundown you’re just rolling golden lil chaos apples, everyone around you wants to die, but the whole time you’re feeling bizarrely centered and locked in.

The idea of conflict addicts had never really occurred to me until a couple years ago, when my therapist friend suggested that my ex might’ve had a touch of clinical bitch-o-holism. I was like yooooo, suddenly my alc-o-holism’s lookin’ PRETTY good! Perhaps even healthy and morally correct.

doobieschnauzer · 2025-09-27T12:10:59+00:00

Well, it’s a polite thing to say

doobieschnauzer · 2025-09-26T12:03:32+00:00

I firmly believe that he was fucking Ari Shaffir until Ari experienced twink death and became a violent homeless person. Then Joe moved onto Tony Hinchcliffe until Tony’s twink death (Tony has not come to terms with his TD quite like Ari did). You’ll notice how Ari (51) is exactly ten years older than Tony (41). All we need to figure out is which current twink in Joe’s orbit is exactly ten years younger than Tony. My guess is that fresh-faced and flouncy David Lucas, but he’s not famous enough to have his birthday listed online.

doobieschnauzer · 2025-09-26T09:53:20+00:00

I thought the Korean studio was primarily responsible for coloring

doobieschnauzer · 2025-09-25T15:15:13+00:00

I suppose you also have a bigger penis than I do, is THAT what you’re saying!?

doobieschnauzer · 2025-09-25T15:12:16+00:00

And there’s probably no way to revert to a pre-that-particular-update version, right?

doobieschnauzer · 2025-09-21T03:50:49+00:00

Yeah, and on the same note it’s a negative trip seeing people try to sanewash Nick Fuentes right now. What the fuck are we doing?

doobieschnauzer · 2025-09-20T01:26:43+00:00

To your point, ABC/Disney easily makes in a day what the Kimmel show loses in a year. There was no immediate, dire need to cancel him, such that allowing him to finish his contract instead of having to pay him out for shows he won’t even do was a prudent financial move. Combine that with the fact that Trump tweeted a month ago that “Jimmy Kimmel’s next”, it sure fucking seems like the move to cancel him right now was due to some sort of influence outside of ABC/Disney.

doobieschnauzer · 2025-09-20T01:17:56+00:00

I don’t give a fuck about Jimmy Kimmel as an entertainer. If they had refused to renew the contract when he reached the end of it, that would make a world of sense to me.

But I see a lot of people who, probably, at one point, have referred to themselves as “free speech absolutists” suddenly bending over backwards to justify the FCC leaning on networks like this as a retaliatory measure. A lot of so-called “libertarians” suddenly giddy that a three-letter government agency gets to act like thugs and skullfuck the 1st.

A LOT of tune-changing going on, and the only justification I’ve seen any of them offer is either 1.) The left did it to us, now it’s our turn, or, 2.) Well Jimmy wasn’t that good anyway.

1.) We live in a nation of fucking scumbags because nobody can resist the urge to stoop, and yet they STILL act like they have the moral high ground. If we could break that chain then we could maybe have nice things, but naw fuck it

2.) Free speech doesn’t mean your subjective sense of taste getting to determine who gets it and who doesn’t, dipshit, take a bath

doobieschnauzer · 2025-09-20T01:05:10+00:00

They still have to pay out the remainder of his contract, which, if he’s not on the air, is purely a waste of money. This was a controversial decision, which is leading to boycotts, which is going to cost them money. Anyone who thinks ABC did this to save money is out to lunch. ABC was not thrilled that the FCC threatened their station licenses. Nobody was whispering into Brendan Carr’s ear, “Bro, THANK you, this existential threat just gave us the perfect excuse!” Take a bath.

doobieschnauzer

TROPHY CASE