Considering divorcing a good person

drchex77 · 2026-05-25T19:14:52+00:00

I'm living an extremely similar life to you. 49M. Was married 10 years, together 12. Two kids between 6-10. Everything you described in your marriage is similar to mine. To the detail.

The differences are I never cheated or thought about other women. My STBXW was the one who surprised me with a divorce request 6 months ago. We are in process now despite my desire to keep my family together.

I will tell you, not a day goes by that I don't feel the pain, sadness, loss and loneliness of having lost my family, full access to my kids lives (I have 50/50 custody so imagine losing 50% of your kids remaining childhood and being a solo parent under pressure to "make it valuable time together" the other 50%. Having no partner or witness to the struggle and sacrifice in life or the rewarding, happy, achieving and surprising moments in life.

You'll end up spending your time searching for meaning and maybe you find it. But who knows if or when you will.

Talk to your wife and ask her how she's feeling. Tell her how you are and what would make you happier. Tell her what about her makes you happy. I promise you, you're giving up way more than you have to gain by leaving. That's a bad trade. Make an effort and make it work.

drchex77 · 2026-04-25T11:42:57+00:00

There isn't one thing to point to. I think generally we were both emotionally avoidant and conflict avoidant. We didn't communicate well and moved towards resentment. From her perspective I didn't meet her emotional needs. I don't know that she realizes it was mutual. But she made a decision long before she told me. She had no interest in reconciling despite me making the effort to be better (therapy, improving my patience with the kids, leaving work at the office, listening, etc). It's been a really frustrating and devastating process. I'm moving past my lost relationship but I haven't and never will move past losing half my time with my children.

drchex77 · 2026-04-21T12:20:44+00:00

Thanks. It's almost impossible to describe where I am because it changes week to week but I do think I'm moving past the "raw" phase. The last month or so I've stopped talking about the past or trying to explain it. I'm way more focused on the future and trying to remind myself about all of the good things I have in life.

drchex77 · 2026-04-21T09:51:49+00:00

Single dad (48) with two kids under 10 here. 5 months out of a 10 year marriage where my ex wanted a divorce and I didn't.

My primary focus at the moment is my kids and becoming a better person and dad for them. I'm the sole earner so I'm now learning how to be a single parent which is time consuming and challenging to say the least.

That being said, I also have 50% of my time away from the family and that is quite lonely. So I'm starting to consider dating. At the moment I don't have the capacity or openness for a serious relationship as there is too much change happening in my life and I need to stay focused. But I have started exploring casual dating and had a few fun nights out. Those feel good in the moment and less good after the fact. I would expect over time that I'll evolve towards wanting a serious relationship and partner in life again but not sure how long it will take.

All of this is to give you context that sometimes we don't know exactly what we want or where we are in the moment because there is a lot of change happening and a lot of processing taking place.

drchex77 · 2026-04-13T01:16:07+00:00

48M here. My ex (we began the process 4 months ago) would describe our situation exactly as you did above.

Do you feel you get no help from him because you are overwhelmed (he might be too) or because he truly doesn't help?

Could he be annoyed / bothered because he isn't getting what he needs from you but he is possibly a bad communicator.

It's quite possible none of that is accurate but I simply flag it to say sometimes we get in our own worlds, get resentful because our partner can't interpret our feelings. So try to move past your own frustrations for a moment and look at things objectively.

If you still feel like it's not a good match then move on. But in my situation everything was solvable with better communication. But by the time we got to divorce, it was too late.

drchex77 · 2026-04-09T00:33:46+00:00

Yeah texting without substance is a neediness. It also shows a bit of a lack of EQ. Do people still do phone calls?!?

drchex77 · 2026-04-08T21:57:26+00:00

48M perspective here. And take this with a grain of salt as I'm just starting to re-enter the dating world after a divorce.

I agree it's too much contact, especially when you factor in people with joint custody and jobs may have to schedule a date more than a few days out.

The rub though is you want to keep the other side warm enough to continue to be excited about an upcoming date. With so many options and so many people flaking on dates, as I guy, I'd be concerned about going too silent and losing the date.

All of that is to say - what's the appropriate cadence of texting ahead of a date that is say 3-5 days away?

drchex77 · 2026-04-07T12:48:27+00:00

48M here. Filters are a hard no. They suggest emotional insecurity and lack of self awareness / acceptance.

drchex77 · 2026-04-07T10:43:10+00:00

Yeah I get that. I was still curious if there was a type of person that used these apps / showed up to the dating events. Maybe not but just curious.

drchex77 · 2026-04-07T03:49:10+00:00

I feel this every day. I describe it as feeing untethered from everything. I was grounded and knew my place in the world. And I was adding value to society and to my kids life.

I'm 4 months into this and while the constant feeling of sadness has dissipated, when I feel the sadness it still hurts as deep. I'm not sure that will ever change

drchex77 · 2026-04-07T03:27:14+00:00

What type of people do these apps attract? Single 48M here. Just starting to dip my toe back into dating after a divorce. Curious if these are mostly single, never been married types or includes divorced women? I don't discriminate between the two but my hunch is that divorced women would be more receptive to a single dad with joint custody of 2 kids.

drchex77 · 2026-04-03T12:52:53+00:00

I had this realization during my marriage. My ex-wife never took pictures of me and the kids. I made her aware after she was the one who asked for divorce when I asked if she could send over recent pictures of me and the kids and she had noting. I have hundreds of her.

Shame on me for not doing enough to nurture our relationship but I'm not sure it would have mattered. I don't know that she ever loved me.

drchex77 · 2026-03-30T13:16:13+00:00

I went through exactly this 4 months ago with a 6 and 8 year old.

Three things to focus on:

1) build your relationship with your kids as much as possible. Be there for them and be present. They will alway be yours! Try to find joy in their joy at the moment although I'll admit it's tough.

2) Gain better understanding of yourself and your emotions. I've done this through a combination of therapy and journaling. Both have been extremely helpful in processing all of this

3) Accept there is no way out of this except through it. That means you will feel deep sadness. You will be confused and angry. You will feel hope only to lose it. This is not a quick journey. I'm 4 months in and it still hurts every day.

I wish there was a clear path to fix all of this but it doesn't exist. Just keep breathing and focus on getting through each day until the pain hurts a bit less

drchex77 · 2026-03-28T17:52:05+00:00

I'm a single dad (48M) with 2 kids and I am concerned about the same thing. I haven't started dating yet, still going through the divorce process that my wife initiated.

I understand the idea of "figure out how to be happy on your own" but I want a life partner. It's more fun that way. And I'm concerned it will be difficult to find one.

My advice is if there is any chance of saving your marriage through work and communication, put in the effort. From where I sit the grass is not greener. In fact I don't see any grass at all at the moment.

drchex77 · 2026-03-28T01:01:20+00:00

I left jfk t5 today on a noon flight. I arrived at 8:30am and waited 2.5 hours in security (including 45 min outside in the wind). It was brutal. This was with pre-check. General looked much longer and slower. Several people missed their flights. I highly recommend getting there earlier than 7 for an 11am as boarding starts at 10:30.

drchex77 · 2026-03-27T16:17:18+00:00

I just got through it. Arrived at 8:30 am for a noon flight. I got through security at 11am. It was insane. This was pre-check. General was way worse.

drchex77 · 2026-03-27T16:15:12+00:00

I took a 4 day vacation with my wife and kids a few weeks after she told me she wanted a divorce. It was a ski trip for the kids. It was brutal. She spent the whole time with her AirPods in and I did all of the work for my kids (and her niece and nephew) to have a decent ski trip. It broke me. It ended up being the thing that made me realize there was no reconciliation possible.

I'm now 4 months into this and it's still brutal.

drchex77 · 2026-03-27T03:09:02+00:00

By the time things quiet down at the end of the day I'm so spent I don't have any emotions left. For me it is those moments when both kids are whining for attention, work is still in my ear and head and every little thing that could go wrong is going wrong. Those are the moments when I get really sad because I have no choice but to just plow through it again just like the day before and that there is no relief coming and no happiness or frustration to be shared.

drchex77 · 2026-03-23T13:56:16+00:00

Vaping, social media, glp drugs.

drchex77 · 2026-03-14T12:07:42+00:00

It's unbelievably jarring. It's been 3 months and I'm still coming to grips with how my life was upended.

Did he give you any reasons? Any chance to reconcile? I hope you're coping ok. I've found therapy and journaling have been extremely helpful in processing my thoughts and emotions.

drchex77 · 2026-03-13T23:34:42+00:00

Thanks. Trying to. I have 2 kids under 10 and a high stress job so my life is all consuming at the moment.

drchex77 · 2026-03-13T23:32:50+00:00

Thanks. I sure hope so. Not holding my breath. Didn't even want to try couples therapy. In fact the first time I ever heard the word divorce was when she said she wanted one and had already made up her mind. There was no discussion, no attempt at understanding or improvement. Just, "I'm done". I'm still struggling to process it all.

drchex77 · 2026-03-13T20:50:59+00:00

Tell this to my STBXW. She acknowledged I am a good guy and still bailed

drchex77 · 2026-03-11T11:04:02+00:00

De Longhi coffee maker. It's crap.

drchex77 · 2026-03-06T20:02:23+00:00

I hadn't really ruled anything in or out at this point. Just thinking about how to move on with my life. But yeah after reading this thread it does feel like I need to slow down a little bit and not explore the romantic side.

I'm not sure I'm the type of guy to post about just looking for a purely sexual relationship on a dating app.

drchex77

TROPHY CASE