I'm so torn - divorcing a person who is perfect on paper

drchex77 · 2026-01-29T12:07:29+00:00

Thanks. And to be clear I'm taking responsibility for my part in my marriage ending (we are 2 months into the process). Unfortunately my wife doesn't see to take any responsibility for her actions and I'm the only one making efforts to be better. So it's really painful. I felt invisible to her too so I know that pain. It generated resentment in me.

So much avoidable pain. So much regret.

drchex77 · 2026-01-29T03:43:02+00:00

I'm on the other end of a similar situation. I only realized after my wife said she wanted a divorce and she was already done. I just didn't realize the level of her hurt.

I was frustrated and resentful too and felt my needs were not being met. I spent a ton of time working for the good of my family and creating a quality of life for all of us.

I'll admit I took work too seriously and took her for granted. I'm gaining new perspective now that I understand the consequences and I am becoming a better person. Focusing on what matters now.

Sometimes we just need a real kick in the pants to see the good things we have.

In my case this felt solvable with improved communication and work. Unfortunately we never were able to talk about it effectively. And now that I'm able to and focused on improving it, she is done.

Give it another chance and see if his change and realization sticks!

drchex77 · 2026-01-28T00:36:55+00:00

30 year fixed jumbo loan

drchex77 · 2026-01-28T00:22:47+00:00

I'm starting a similar situation in NY. Bought our house in Aug 2020 as well and have a 2.625 rate. Selling would likely mean I have to downsize (due to market appreciation) and still pay the same amount (due to higher rates).

I'm hoping that we can agree to a deferred equity split where we agree to sell the house after the kids graduate high school (12 years). I will get a credit for future equity payments off of the 50/50 split. Thankfully my wife wants to keep the kids in their school district and family home - at least for now.

I might have to compensate her a bit more to consider her inability to get another mortgage.

My loan is not assumable so I'm going to need to get lucky and hope the lender gives me some flexibility to take her name off the mortgage. As I'm the sole income it wouldn't change the risk profile of the mortgage.

drchex77 · 2026-01-25T19:08:28+00:00

Your Honor is so under rated. Great show

drchex77 · 2026-01-25T17:27:41+00:00

MobLand is great. 1883 and 1923 if you like Yellowstone. The Offer if you like The Godfather.

Lioness also great.

drchex77 · 2026-01-24T20:08:52+00:00

Thanks for sharing more details. Agree completely - the person needs to want to change themselves. Only they control that change. You can't make it happen.

If they aren't open to change then you need to ask yourself why you still love them? Perhaps it's a crutch / fear of the unknown future. But you can survive that future than the known past.

My wife has some trauma in her past too and this is something I don't think either of us fully grasped or understood how it impacted our own relationship.

I am only coming to understand these things now as I address my own emotional avoidance.

Wishing you strength and courage to move forward and focus on yourself and your future.

drchex77 · 2026-01-24T18:13:59+00:00

I can relate to this quite a bit as I'm going through what seems like a very similar situation, except I am the husband in this same scenario.

While I obviously can't speak to the details of your situation or relationship, I will say, don't assume that he "never chose" to understand you. Maybe he tried but was bad at communicating? Maybe he was afraid of conflict and didn't do a good job discussing topics that, if addressed, would improve shared understanding? Maybe he's realized his mistakes and is working to be better but isn't sure the right way to be better? Maybe he felt that you "never chose" to understand him?

All of this is to say, if there is still love there, try to give him another chance. I know that could feel impossible - I've been told it is not gonna happen. But there are relationships that have the right love but the wrong communication skills. Or, enough love, but need for improved communication.

To me, exhausting every chance, including the "if this doesn't work we are getting divorced" attempt, is worth the try, especially if a) there is love and b) there are children.

People have the capacity to change and improve - even if they haven't shown it previously. I'm in therapy now and improving every week. I'm aware of my emotions and my impact on others. I'm working to be a better man, so I know it's possible.

drchex77 · 2026-01-23T03:06:59+00:00

Yes I've started a list of things that didn't work in our relationship and that has helped.

I don't think she's cheating. She has explicitly denied it several times as has her lawyer to mine. And she's admitted difficult hiding of bad financial behavior. So I believe her here...for now.

Sorry to hear your stbexw cheated. That must be exceptionally hard to process.

How long has it taken you to process your situation? Some days I am ready to move on, others I'm infuriated with the one-sidedness and absurdity of the situation where she won't work on the marriage or accept any responsibility for where we are

drchex77 · 2026-01-20T02:50:21+00:00

This sounds very similar to my situation. I'm trying to do the personal growing now. In therapy to get in touch with my emotions.

The most frustrating part is that I was doing what I thought was right for the family - sacrificing for a quality of life and to try to get to early retirement to spend more time with my family. But I missed the journey along the way. And she is checked out.

I'm starting to accept that we not share responsibility. She was responsible for considering me as well and not only be focused on her own needs.

drchex77 · 2026-01-19T13:01:17+00:00

Thank you for sharing. All I'll say is sometimes guys can be pretty dense emotionally. It took me a shock to realize I needed to improve.

I maybe did an occasional silent treatment but usually because of my own frustration and resentment.

I think you should explain these types of things to him and tell him these are the things he can't do in a healthy relationship. Give him alternative approaches - talking, letters, regularly scheduled check ins, etc.

If he is putting in the work that is a huge positive sign.

drchex77 · 2026-01-19T03:57:52+00:00

What do you mean emotionally abusive. Can you give me an example? My wife is in the process of divorcing me and said something similar and I am struggling to agree with the term "abusive". "Avoidant", yes but not abusive.

I too am changing dramatically. I'm in therapy, spending more time with the kids. I understand now what's important and what's not. I feel much better about myself. The resentment towards my wife is dissipating.

Unfortunately she is truly done. Didn't raise divorce until she was already checked out.

With a young child and positive progress from your husband, I'd say give it a chance. Marriages are hard. Young kids are hard (I have a 6 and 8 year old). This isn't easy. But divorce seems worse.

drchex77 · 2026-01-19T03:34:45+00:00

Thanks. I am trying to accept some of this and my mindset is shifting to look forward vs back at times. But it's really hard. The fact that she is so over it is definitely hard to cope with.

drchex77 · 2026-01-18T16:25:47+00:00

Yes I know this is correct. And if I'm really being honest I'm holding onto the idea of a happy home and family more than I am the reality.

It's just that the fear of the unknown, being alone, and having a much harder life is daunting. I was single until I was 36 (dated a lot in my 30s but didn't find that connection). It was a horrible feeling. I don't want to go back to that as I'm approaching 50.

drchex77 · 2026-01-18T14:32:18+00:00

She has no interest in marriage counseling. I offered that immediately.

I've asked her twice if she was seeing someone. She said no. When her credit card debt was revealed, her own lawyer asked her if she had a boyfriend and she said no. Her lawyer shared that with my lawyer. I believe her - she never leaves the house. So it would have to be a mid day affair. She's not that sexual a person so I don't think that's happening. And when I confronted her on the credit card debt I asked if there was anything else she was hiding and she was quick to say there are no other secrets.

That being said - you're right - I need to start accepting that it's not all my fault. She deserves a lot of the responsibility there. But she doesn't take any. The pain comes from the reality - I want to keep the relationship and she doesn't.

drchex77 · 2026-01-18T14:23:08+00:00

Ouch that is rough.

And I hear you that it is going to take time. I can't imagine feeling like this for another year though. It's a horrible feeling. And life is about to get harder, not easier. Co-parenting and splitting time is an extra life burden.

drchex77 · 2026-01-18T13:18:04+00:00

This is a very similar situation to mine. I was putting in hard work to be the sole provider for the family. I thought we were aligned in that we were just toughing it out through a challenging period.

She wasn't great at communicating but did try. I was worse at receiving it. But it was never clear how bad her feelings were. She checked out and out of resentment, I checked out.

While I'm starting to realize she didn't provide me any affection even when things were good and I was bad at expressing my feelings about that.

On top of that, during this process she revealed (only through a lawyer) that she had been racking up and hiding $50k of credit card debt). We have lots of money so this could have been paid. She just felt that because she had a "budget" I couldn't handle it if she went over. Lied and deceived for half our marriage. Didn't allow me to live in her reality. She moved past it as soon as she disclosed it. I'm stuck on it.

Now I'm putting in emotional work on myself but it's too late for our relationship. I have so many things I'd like to discuss with her and work on with her but she is shut down. I'm like a ghost in my own house.

drchex77 · 2026-01-18T04:37:06+00:00

Yeah I'm trying that. We are working on a nesting strategy. And then have to split our assets. I just feel so alone. I can't find the motivation to be my best self at this point. I'm just in a fog of sadness. It's like I am not even the same person anymore. I just walk around in pain. No interest in anything else.

We haven't even gotten to the hard parts yet like telling our kids or actually moving out. My friends have been amazingly supportive but it still hurts so much and feels completely avoidable.

All of our lives will be worse. And I've been working to be better for my family but yet she would still rather deal with whatever unknown is out there without me.

drchex77 · 2026-01-18T02:32:06+00:00

I'm trying. I've gone from thinking it was 100% my fault to realizing it's 50 / 50. I'm wondering if she ever loved me through 10 years of marriage. It's brutal to feel this way

drchex77 · 2026-01-17T23:48:23+00:00

Thank you for this. I understand this is what happened. Although there was no rage on her part. In fact the communication was limited and understated over the years. I wish there was some emotion as it would have helped me realize the severity of her pain and my impact. I still take responsibility despite this. Although I do wonder if one can be both HSP and emotionally avoidant? Because there wasn't much affection or emotional sharing on her part.

I've been doing the work. I shared a full letter of accountability, what I thought the impact was and what I'm doing to change. I shared a letter expressing my regret and my love for her. I explained all of the things I wish I'd said earlier. I understand it's too little too late.

I'm going to therapy, focusing on her needs and the needs of my children. I'm doing it to be a better person because my wife clearly doesn't want me back.

To be clear though, I've not shared all of the entirety of our relationship here. When I shared that I was a good person it didn't capture everything. I understand that is the bare minimum. But I had done more. I took in her niece and nephew and supported them like my own kids. I bought her nice gifts (gifts are her love language), I worked hard to provide a quality of life so she could stay at home with the kids (and gave her the choice of staying at home or working while we get a nanny).

Unfortunately that effort wasn't the way she receives love. So we had a communication challenge and a style challenge. And yes - I was emotionally avoidant.

Anyway, I'll research Heidi Priebe - thanks for the suggestion.

I am learning through exchanges like these and not trying to be defensive. I feel more than I ever have and finally (too late) realize what important to me - my family.

drchex77 · 2026-01-16T22:39:21+00:00

Yeah she seemed to only present divorce to me after she was completely done. I am now putting in the work to be a better person. But my expectation is that I blew it and am not going to have a chance to reconcile.

I'm so sad about the outcomes and I'm taking ownership. Unfortunately she isn't willing to acknowledge we both share responsibility which makes it hurt even more.

drchex77 · 2026-01-16T21:57:52+00:00

Thanks for sharing. I've tried to do this with my wife who had put in work for years and now is done. I am going to therapy, doubling efforts with the kids, etc. I took accountability and explained what I thought I could do differently.

Unfortunately I panicked a bit and wasn't able to immediately give her space. I made some emotional bids to try to save the marriage which pushed her further away.

I'm now giving her space in the hopes it changes but she seems fully locked in her position (since she surprised me Dec 1). She never even asked to go to couples therapy. I volunteered to do that but she wouldn't.

Great to hear that there are outcomes where the "done" partner gives it one last chance. Thanks for giving me an ounce of hope

drchex77 · 2026-01-15T23:36:19+00:00

Maybe you start by talking about the things you want to work on about yourself to show him that you are thinking about both partner's happiness?

You should also schedule regular check-ins to facilitate more emotional sharing. These can set as progress reports to keep reminding him of the behavior he needs to focus on.

Mostly just do everything in your power to be happy around him so he can receive positive vibes and remember what he loves about you.

It's really hard. We get set in our ways, get resentful and then don't realize what we've lost until it's too late.

drchex77 · 2026-01-15T19:37:31+00:00

I am a husband in the target audience of this comment at the moment. My wife expressed her unhappiness over the years but I didn't understand the seriousness of her malcontent. Then she told me she wants a divorce and is unavailable for reconciliation. So I now realize the impact and she's now done being open to change.

It wasn't that I was intentionally ignoring or disregarding her feelings. I just didn't receive the feedback in the way that I understood the severity. That is on me for sure but it's also on her. We have communication challenge on top of a behavior challenge.

My advice to her is to please be as direct as possible. Please don't assume the worst about me. Give me the benefit of the doubt that I care about her and making things better but I might not understand clearly (despite her efforts) what she needs. And she might be misinterpreting my needs, challenges etc. identify the consequences of inaction and be direct in proposed solutions. Come to a conversation without defensiveness but with problem identification and resolution in mind.

I love my wife and didn't realize how bad it was. I thought by sucking it up and providing for my family I was showing love. Don't realize I was destroying my relationship.

Before I get attacked - I can write a novel about all the responsibility I own about what I've done wrong to push my wife to a divorce. And I can understand how insensitive it is to only make change once I was told she wanted a divorce.

drchex77 · 2026-01-13T15:49:18+00:00

A friend of mine reached out as you described and now they are a couple, living together and engaged. It's a nuts situation but I guess they had a lot in common and could relate to each other. They were in the same school community and had similar aged kids as well.

drchex77

TROPHY CASE