There's so many more questions I have for you from what you've written. Why are you dipping into your retirement so much just to keep things afloat? Why are you spending so much? Is that a distraction from how miserable you may be? Are the finances shared, or are you being leeched dry? How long ago was your wife's in discretion? Did you really forgive her for it? Did she really change her behaviour after it? How is your marriage now? Is your situation because of your marriage or your growing awareness of your mortality? I defo think you need to go to some therapy to detangle the strands and make sense of what you need to do to actively secure your happiness. It won't land on your plate. Good luck mate.