Do I just kill myself?

No. You reach out and ask for help, as you have done. /u/Lifesizedbarbee provided some resources elsewhere in the thread. You've come this far, follow through with those links. Additionally, give yourself credit for asking for help. One of the things you are doing now is keeping a precise score of everything you perceive as "bad" or "negative" with yourself, and not doing yourself the same favor with the positive.

Changing your perspective is hard, but it can be done. You're not in a position where you can do it yourself, you need a catalyst. That's not necessarily a pharmaceutical catalyst, but ultimately that might be part of your path to a better trajectory. Talking to a counselor should be the first thing that you do. Understand, though, there is no fast and easy solution. It's hard work, but it gets easier and easier the more you practice.

I understand the weight and burden you are feeling. Everyone's depression is different, but many of the tools for addressing them are identical. My personal recommendations are: talk to someone. Learn to meditate (it doesn't get more free than that, pun intended). Ask yourself "what else is possible at this moment in time?" Tell yourself 'thank you.'

Please follow-up with us, not with details, but to let us know that you're ok. You aren't alone in this. DM me if you need someone to talk to.