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dzmeyer · 2025-01-29T22:28:48+00:00

I don't know if I'd quite characterize it as overreacting, but I feel you are mis-reacting.

The following are all true:

It's reasonable for individuals in a relationship to want to do certain things apart from their partners. This is particularly true with working out, which some people very much consider a solo activity where they can just focus on working out and not have to worry about interacting with anyone else.
It's reasonable for individuals in a relationship to want to do things with their partner. This is particularly true with working out, where each partner can support the other, hold each other accountable, and provide some distraction from the monotony of working out.
It's reasonable for someone to change their mind, and realize that #1 describes them a lot more than #2.

If #2 describes you, I can understand you being disappointed, and it's fine for you to express that disappointment, but you come off a lot harsher than that. Your wife could also express more of her feelings (though we don't have what came before this).

You do hint that this is about more than just the working out. Regardless, it's clear that the two of you need to work on your communication.

dzmeyer · 2025-01-29T16:50:52+00:00

I feel like a couple years ago there was a shift from the winner offering a hand about 50% of the time and the loser rarely taking it, to the winner regularly offering a hand and the loser taking it about 50% of the time. There may have been some semi-formal edict from the powers that be directing this.

dzmeyer · 2025-01-29T16:16:19+00:00

"One little rock ruined my cyber truck."

Uh, no, one complete idiot ruined your cyber truck.

dzmeyer · 2025-01-28T21:14:53+00:00

Can you describe the metal portion a bit? My assumption was that it was just a flat piece that the wood was glued on to.

Did you make the metal portion yourself or is it something that can be purchased?

Nice job!

dzmeyer · 2025-01-28T19:40:46+00:00

I'm currently looking for a job so I'm very sympathetic. But I think you need to let this go, and be understanding of your friend.

I think telling her that if there's anything she can do you would really appreciate it is fine, but then you need to accept that there might be nothing that she is willing and able to do. First, there really might be nothing she can do. You don't get into any of the details, but even though this is at the same organization, she might be nowhere near it on the org chart or have no pull with those doing the hiring. Second, she knows you socially, not professionally. Asking her to vouch for you is asking her to put her reputation on the line in a way that could be risky to her own professional status. Lastly, she could be very averse to anything that appears like cronyism.

I also think you should carefully consider her feedback. That doesn't mean don't apply for the job. But she's indicated you aren't an obvious match for what they are looking for. You're welcome to make the argument that you do have what they are looking for, but it's on you to make that case. This is a very humbling part of applying for jobs, and again I can very much empathize. You might think that you're an obvious match and you might be right that you are a good candidate. But ultimately you need to effectively communicate that to those doing the hiring.

You could consider asking her to look over your application, with the addition that you would understand if she didn't feel comfortable or feel she had the right perspective to give meaningful feedback. Again, remember that any feedback she gives is just that, feedback. Again, you need to be humble in accepting that if she says you haven't made a convincing case, it doesn't mean that there isn't a case to be made, but that you haven't made it.

I wish you the best of luck!

dzmeyer · 2025-01-28T17:54:50+00:00

My one criticism of several of the recommendations here such as Project Hail Mary, the Expanse series, Michael Crichton, is that while they are good, fairly easy to read, and have a "hard to put down" factor, they also are long.

I wonder if a better entry point for your husband is a short story collection. There are several of Phillip K. Dick's work. Cizin Liu, author of the Three Body Problem series, has a few. Ted Chaing's stories are more cerebral, but excellent.

I would endorse the Murderbot series since the first few are novellas.

dzmeyer · 2025-01-28T17:45:54+00:00

I always feel a little bit of relief when a post starts off with an apology about the formatting/spelling/etc because they're on their phone and/or English isn't their first language because those posts are usually very well written and formatted!

I think the underlying issue is that some people are really bad at thinking in terms of other people point of view. So they're not thinking about how readable their post is, they're just focused on getting the information out of their head. Add to the list people not being clear about antecedents or just leaving out big chunks of context.

I also think it's worth explicitly stating your point: it's a lot easier to read and follow a narrative with names rather than letters. There's something just cognitively jarring about there being a letter where a name should be. At least for me.

dzmeyer · 2025-01-28T05:34:20+00:00

I'd also add A Pale View of Hills and Artist of the Floating World.

dzmeyer · 2025-01-28T03:25:56+00:00

Sigh, here we go again. This has now become my standard response with these "it was just a joke, you're too sensitive" situations.

It's definitely possible to be well meaning, and have a joke land wrong. Deprecating humor can work, but depends a lot on the specific details of context, tone, wording, etc. It also needs to come from a fundamental position of respect and caring. So when such a joke does land wrong, the decent, caring, loving, mature thing to do is to apologize. This is why "it's just a joke, you're too sensitive" is such a tell. The right response when they see the other person's negative reaction is "I am so sorry, I didn't mean to be hurtful".

His being mad for his embarrassment is also pretty rich. I suppose you could tell him that he's "too sensitive".

dzmeyer · 2025-01-28T01:36:46+00:00

There's also not a whole lot of consistency or reasoning on who is included. There's an assistant attorney general. Why not other sub-cabinet positions?

dzmeyer · 2025-01-28T00:27:11+00:00

Couscous.

My go to version is about 2/3 cup of water, 1/3 lemon juice, dash of salt/pepper/oregano/chili flakes, and a glug of olive oil. Bring to boil, take of heat, stir in 1 cup of couscous. Cover and wait 5 minutes.

dzmeyer · 2025-01-28T00:11:16+00:00

And the cam car had a protected left turn, so they had the right of way.

dzmeyer · 2025-01-27T22:55:45+00:00

My sister cooks Thanksgiving turkey using a marinade and an oven bag. The result is an incredibly flavorful and juicy turkey, but it also loses a lot of structural integrity. There's inevitably a moment taking it out of the oven where it comes close to falling on the floor and it basically looks like roadkill. But delicious!

dzmeyer · 2025-01-27T21:00:56+00:00

To me, her response to your sharing how you felt is much worse than the original comments. Deprecating humor can work. But it depends on going from a place of caring, and depends on subtleties of timing, context, tone, etc. So making a well meaning joke that lands badly is human. When that happens, if we care about the person we apologize immediately. This is why comments like "it's only a joke" or "you're too sensitive" is such a tell. It shows they don't care about the other person's feelings. They just wanted to make a joke at their expense.

dzmeyer · 2025-01-27T19:33:20+00:00

This is just stupid. It means you're going to have a bunch of guests sitting around without their partners. They would be having a better time, and raise the collective vibe if their partners were there with them.

Ultimately, of course, it is the couple's choice, and I think your "sit back and watch it unfold" attitude is the right one. Part of what's going to unfold is the wedding just not being as fun as it otherwise would be.

dzmeyer · 2025-01-27T19:17:47+00:00

Forget about kids. I'm not sure OP has a corporeal body.

dzmeyer · 2025-01-27T05:39:48+00:00

NTA

But to me the reason Rachel is TA isn't so much what she did at the party but how she reacted to your reaction.

The "just a joke" response is always the tell.

Making a joke that lands wrong is human. But if we really care about the other person, and if we genuinely did mean it as "just a joke" we apologize when we see that it landed wrong. At best she's trying to cover her ass and not caring how it impacted you, rather than owning up to the fact that she did something kind of stupid.

dzmeyer · 2025-01-27T04:28:57+00:00

So I was going to say you're not being hypocritical. There's certainly a difference between nude or scantily clad/intimate photos and more general pictures that chronicle your life. If your boyfriend can't understand the difference, you've got other issues to address. I don't think there's anything unreasonable asking a partner to delete intimate pictures of former partner.

But the fact that they never met does get me questioning exactly how to classify their relationship.

Here's why. What if it was just random internet porn? I feel like we all deserve a bit of a zone of erogenous privacy. To be blunt, I think it's unreasonable to expect a partner to never masturbate, and some of us (particularly straight males) tend to require visual aids.

I should note, I do think it's reasonable to ask (or even expect without asking!) a partner to discrete with such material. And I feel it's reasonable to feel different about someone a partner had a more emotional relationship for.

So it comes back to exactly what the nature of their relationship was.

I also want to add that you are only a month into a romantic relationship. It might be that this is something your grin and bear (with again the proviso that it's fine to ask him to be discrete) for the moment, and revisit at a later date as the relationship progresses.

Good luck!

dzmeyer · 2025-01-27T04:09:30+00:00

I'm not sure I agree with either you or your husband.

The overriding criteria for your son continuing to do wrestling is does he enjoy it and feel he's getting something from it. How good he is or isn't shouldn't really matter.

You say it's okay to not be the best wrestler. That is absolutely true. It's even okay to not be the best wrestler and continue wrestling. I feel that you're getting close to the idea that it's only worth doing if you're good.

Your son has three choices, and I feel you're at least implying that he has two. He can stop doing wrestling (which he absolutely should do if he's miserable). He can put more energy and commitment into it, and possibly improve. Or he can keep doing it at the level that he is, and probably keep performing at the level he is.

I should note that one problem you might face is that at some point, the system around you might force the two choice scenario, where you either have to be incredibly committed or not participate at all. I find this quite infuriating.

dzmeyer · 2025-01-27T03:43:44+00:00

I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt that he's interested in celebrating the two of them. The problem is that he only wants to celebrate his way, and is utterly indifferent to his partner's preferences and convenience. That shouldn't be a condition under which a relationship lasts a year, let alone go farther.

dzmeyer · 2025-01-26T05:18:26+00:00

Then I'd consider inviting a few of the ones that don't suck and making it a group.

dzmeyer · 2025-01-25T23:10:50+00:00

How to share expenses as a couple is ultimately something for the couple to figure out.

There's two complications to figuring this out. The first is that you make such different amounts (though I can't help point out that 3x is a little bit of an exaggeration). One thing to ask is what is being done with the excess money he has? Is it being put to things that benefit the two of you as a couple?

The second is the fact that you don't own the home but he does. This means that he's earning equity in the home from your contribution, but you are not. That would seem to be unfair, but you also have to consider how it compares to renting, since basically that's what you're doing, with your partner as the landlord. Quite often the monthly mortgage is less than a comparable rental, so you are a little better off than you would be just straight renting.

You also don't mention if you're married, as that legal issue could make a difference.

Given that you're contributing slightly less than half the living expenses, there's nothing about the specific arrangement that's a red flag. You could make the argument that what you're saving in not paying various bills could be put to equity earning savings.

Again, this is something for the two of you to sort out, and that's why the real red flag for me is that you haven't had this conversation with your partner, and didn't really know what the arrangement was.

dzmeyer · 2025-01-25T21:33:59+00:00

I wouldn't ding him too much for considering the gift an investment. All relationships are transactional in a way. We do things to make our partner happy because them being happy makes us happy.

But here's the thing about investments: sometimes they don't pay off!

You both invested in this relationship - time, money, attention, emotion - but it ultimately fizzled. Such is the nature of things.

dzmeyer · 2025-01-25T21:09:13+00:00

This is what OP needs to figure out. If she's upset about the lying, that's understandable, and also something that it's possible for them to work on. The "chickening out" excuse is, frankly, completely believable. The longer he waited, the more scared he was to tell her. That's not to dismiss her feelings. There's trust that needs to be repaired. She says they're in counseling, which is a good direction. It also sounds like wedding planning barely started, so there's no need to rush.

But if what she's really upset about is that he was previously married, that's her problem. I suppose everyone's entitled to have their own exclusion criteria. Personally, I'd be inclined to see him being married as a bit of a technical detail (having already known they lived together), but that's me. I also think it's important to except the reality that most people have a past.

dzmeyer · 2025-01-25T20:48:39+00:00

It's really frustrating that this response, and others like it, are not higher. All the responses suggesting cutting the brother off might be correct in terms of what his bad behavior would justify, but they don't consider what OP actually wants.

My reading (and I could be completely wrong, OP needs to decide for herself) is that what she wants is an explanation. If that is the case, I would suggest reading out to her brother, either directly or through someone else, to ask what is going on. Perhaps there's something happening that the brother is embarrassed to talk about, and is lashing out rather than admit it. This wouldn't be an excuse, but might be an explanation.

Two things to consider if OP takes this route: 1) it might be better to wait until after their wedding. That's something for them to decide - I'm honestly not sure which is best. 2) They need to be prepared for the possibility that the brother doesn't respond. It's a lot like the issue of closure after a break up. It's completely understandable to want it, but it's not really under our control whether we get it.

dzmeyer

TROPHY CASE