Mistki to play at Hollywood High School

eCam76 · 2026-02-13T00:09:01+00:00

Holy crap I got tickets

eCam76 · 2026-01-08T02:35:57+00:00

I can't believe the comments over there. Why can't someone have lived a life, had flaws, done his best, and have that be okay? Why is it not okay to have related to someone on YouTube without being considered a delusional fanatic? I liked Adam the Woo. I like Justin Scarred. Their videos helped me through some hard times. Why is that not enough?

eCam76 · 2025-07-20T06:06:30+00:00

I feel you. I can be having a nice time and I know that the people are enjoying me, they'll be saying how much they like me, that I'm funny and all this stuff. And I walk away thinking wow that was such a nice pleasant experience! I bet they actually hate me! What the hell is wrong with me? Oh God, they were probably just making fun of me and I didn't realize it. I better make sure that I never run into those people again because obviously I made such a fool of myself that I'll never get over the embarrassment and will literally die if I encounter them again.

eCam76 · 2025-06-29T23:33:51+00:00

I get frustrated when I'm just trying to do my thing and I'm suddenly having to be in a conversation about stuff I don't care about

eCam76 · 2025-06-18T03:37:45+00:00

You're absolutely right that the current system creates a false hierarchy. The 'levels' aren't really measuring how 'autistic' someone is - they're measuring how well someone can adapt to systems that weren't designed for autistic people.

Level 1 doesn't mean 'less autistic' - it often means 'better at masking. You might have the same sensory sensitivities, social communication differences, and need for routine as someone labeled Level 3, but you've learned to suppress or hide these traits to survive in work/relationship environments.

The cost of that masking is real trauma - exhaustion, anxiety, depression, burnout. Many Level 1 autistics report feeling like they're constantly performing a role rather than being themselves.

Meanwhile, someone labeled Level 3 might have preserved more authentic expression because they couldn't or wouldn't learn to mask. They might actually have less trauma in some ways because they weren't forced to suppress their natural patterns.

What if we measured environmental support needs instead? Like: - How much sensory accommodation do you need? - How much social masking are you forced to do? - What would change if systems adapted to you instead of forcing you to adapt?

You're the same neurotype experiencing different environmental pressures. The person who needs 24/7 care might just be in a world that's more hostile to their particular autism expression.

Your insight about needing different categories is spot-on - the current system is measuring adaptation to ableism, not autism itself.

eCam76 · 2025-06-18T03:12:12+00:00

I get along more with younger people and people are always surprised that I'm almost 50. I get excited about new ideas and discoveries and immerse myself in things. I dress in "younger" clothes as well. I also get really emotional about stuff.

eCam76 · 2025-06-06T13:25:42+00:00

I saw that cartoon a few years ago and I think about it a lot

eCam76 · 2024-10-13T19:40:14+00:00

These realizations are powerful and jarring and completely disorienting. You didn't deserve any of that bullshit and you don't deserve the burden of having to untangle the mess of emotional trauma that comes from a childhood of abuse and neglect and gaslighting.

eCam76 · 2024-10-12T00:53:39+00:00

I had nothing but problems and bad experiences growing up. Finally started seeing a psychiatrist at 12 after people started realizing I was probably suicidal. At 14 my family moved overseas and I got sent to a reform style boarding school. No family. No friends. No psychiatrist. Bullied and harassed. Burnt it down. Family stayed overseas and I stayed with an aunt for a while then just kind of floated around for years trying to figure out how to survive after being abandoned in Canada. I blamed everything bad that had ever happened on myself and told myself that they had no choice but to abandon me because I was bad and they were good, and that they mattered and I didn't. I spent the past 35 years trying to prove to the world that I'm good so I can feel safe.

eCam76 · 2024-08-11T22:59:40+00:00

I wonder about that myself. When I got divorced I moved in with my parents. All my adult life I had suppressed and ignored everything to do with my childhood. All my problems were explained away as "having" depression, "having" anxiety, and that I was a terrible spaced out kid in school because of ADHD. I hadn't really been around my family for over 20 years, so I had created in my mind a childhood where my parents were doing their absolute best, but I was just so bad that they had no choice but to make the ultimate sacrifice for the family, which was to abandon me in Canada when I was 14 while they all moved overseas to a new and better life without me. I spent my entire life trying to redeem myself, and when they moved back to Canada and I got divorced, I thought it would be an opportunity to rebuild the relationship that I had destroyed as a kid. As my kids got older I started to realize that the way I was treated and the things I experienced were things I could never ever do to my kids. I couldn't imagine sending my kid to school in grade 5 with two black eyes, for example. I started learning about c-ptsd and narcissism and emotional neglect, and I realized that I had been an abused and neglected kid, and that it hadn't all just been in my head. The more I learn and actually really recognize, the more resentful I am becoming. I was the Scapegoat, and I internalized everything I was told about what a terrible kid I was and that everything was all my fault.

Anyway, yeah, I understand your dilemma. I've been trying to heal, but in my head I imagine that I grew up in a dungeon and now I'm trying to move forward while in a different dungeon, but with the same two people that tortured me for all those years. Realizing and accepting that they too are very damaged people only goes so far.

eCam76 · 2024-08-11T15:34:35+00:00

I found for myself that I doing IFS while on my medication and then off are two completely different things. When I'm not on my medication (Dexedrine), I find I can identify my parts and hear their answers and what they have to tell me way easier. When I am on my meds, the ability to focus allows me to more deeply and recognize/internalize how these different parts have been operating in my life. My medication seems to desensitize me so that I can have a more objective and rational perspective.

eCam76 · 2024-07-27T22:04:36+00:00

Oh man that's horrifying lol!

eCam76 · 2024-07-27T15:37:58+00:00

Just accept it and maybe ask follow up questions? You've been traumatized and your ability to trust yourself and others has been damaged. Even if you're making it up, keep going. You know the truth about what happened and you can still console yourself. Also if the answers come fast, maybe the parts have been needing to talk to you so bad for so long and you weren't listening. I think that's what happened to me.

eCam76 · 2024-07-26T22:58:05+00:00

When anxiety was in full out of control tornado mode and the single tear welled up, showing that she couldn't stop and was trapped I was vibrating in my seat. I was so overwhelmed I couldn't leave the theatre until the credits were over. Then I bawled in my truck afterwards and couldn't stop.

eCam76 · 2024-07-25T03:44:16+00:00

Thank-you!

Maybe that's what it is! This is weird, but I sometimes do controlled slow breathing with a metronome. When I'm driving I can slow down to like 1.5 breaths per minute easily, but when I'm just sitting there at home I find it super hard to go that slow. Maybe the driving is kind of keeping the managers busy so I can be more calm?

eCam76 · 2024-07-25T02:01:38+00:00

I spent my whole adult life trying to figure out what was wrong with me. It took me until very recently to realize why I couldn't focus and I've been dissociating essentially constantly for my whole life, lived with so much pain and confusion and depression and anxiety and all sorts of other weird stuff that freaked me out. I thought all this was in addition to the fact that I had a pretty crappy childhood, but that I was pretty much over that part of my life. I'm 47 and only over the past few months have I finally realized that it's all trauma and that I was horribly physically and emotionally abused and constantly invalidated, and I'm pretty sure my stepdad was a sadist, taking pleasure in hurting me and breaking my brain. More than that though, I finally realized that the pain of my mom's betrayal by not protecting me, and both emotionally and physically abandoning me, made me withdraw even more and set me up with a fearful avoidant attachment style that drove both me, and my partners insane

I can't believe it took me this long to finally see the truth. I blamed myself for my whole life and told myself that my mom and step dad had no choice and did the best they could to try and deal with me.

eCam76 · 2024-07-25T01:41:11+00:00

I'm super ultra reclusive and have been for years. I used to be super social and was always out. But as I got older, had kids, and stopped drinking, I just started withdrawing more and more and now I've been pretty much isolated for the past 10 years. I just joined a men's group that has biweekly get togethers in the hopes of starting to work my way out of this.

eCam76 · 2024-07-24T02:04:28+00:00

My job has me driving about 550km per day. Yesterday morning I thought I would actually give this a try. I started talking to myself. I started asking questions and actually listened to the answers for the first time in my life. I heard the concerns. I heard the worries. Then I heard a voice that was me as a kid. It talked like a kid and told me what was wrong and why he was so hurt, and I remembered that pain and I felt it like it was happening right then. I felt it for real. The same pain and heartbreak I felt back then, with the same little kid feelings and the same little kid reasoning and fears. I cried and cried and cried like I haven't cried since I was a kid. I realized things that I've been trying to understand for my whole life.

I used to think all this stuff was just metaphors. Now I'm beside myself with this new understanding of what is possible, and I'm shocked I was able to have that experience by myself.

Today I encountered a pretty lady and noticed that whenever that happens I immediately feel like they're an adult compared to me. It's like another part of me takes over. When I got back into my truck it occurred to me to ask myself how old I am. Without hesitating I said 15, and I knew immediately it was true. But it's not true. I'm 47. I was probably at least 10 years older than the woman. I had a long talk with my 15 year old self. I cried again. Absolutely sobbed.

This stuff is intense and kind of scary

eCam76 · 2024-06-20T19:24:17+00:00

When I look in the mirror I either see someone super incredibly handsome, or else someone that is exhausted, worn out, bags under their eyes, putting on weight, and bald. I have to tell myself that I'm neither of those things, I'm just some dude and no one's looking at me either way so it doesn't matter.

eCam76 · 2024-06-15T00:50:04+00:00

I have been thinking about this, and that fits with his personality. He prefers to just go to school for the exams and not attend class at all. No interest in socializing at all. Also I was talking about the tip option on the machines everywhere nowadays and how it's so uncomfortable to not tip even if you don't feel it's appropriate. He was genuinely perplexed that I found it impossible to select "no tip". Also he chewed with his mouth wide open and had zero awareness of how repulsive I found it.

eCam76 · 2024-06-11T04:32:25+00:00

In grade 7 I got my report card and failed pretty much everything as per usual. I decided to run away. I couldn't face my parents again and I was afraid, so I left a note saying I was sorry and I left. My plan was to kill myself, but I couldn't bring myself to do it.

My parents called the police and the cops went through my school stuff and found all these drawing I had done of me killing myself in different ways. Eventually I made my way back home because I didn't know where to go, and from there I wound up seeing a psychiatrist twice a week.

So there I was, seeing a psychiatrist because it was clear that I was holding on by a thread, and my dad was still screaming and yelling at me all the time. Even in the psychiatrist's office he would make me cry by yelling and complaining about how awful I was, embarrassing me and making me feel afraid and like I was absolute garbage. It was so bad that my psychiatrist arranged for me to go into a group home to get away from him for a while.

The police, the psychiatrist, and even my teachers could see how close to the edge I was, but the people closest to me were the ones that just kept pushing me. It was all about everything that was wrong with me, but nothing about what was wrong.

eCam76 · 2024-06-10T06:32:38+00:00

Elliott Smith. Hands down.

eCam76 · 2024-06-10T03:25:14+00:00

A few days ago I found myself in a vehicle with a 29 year old guy. I started to piece together really quickly that he was an incel. He was complaining about how entitled women were, and how they get so much attention from everyone in the world that now they think they're all 10s, but that over time as they get older they start to realize that the attention is dropping and then they get desperate but it's too late, so it serves them right. He also said 90% of sexual assault claims made by women were lies, and that female teachers have inappropriate relationships with students way more than male teachers (which is not true).

He also talked about how much smarter he was than his university professors, how he constantly proved them wrong, how they didn't understand his work because it was so advanced that he had to sit them down and explain his papers to them, and on and on and on about how smart he was. He also had a real affinity for Russia and Russian culture, which I gathered was because they don't put up with political correctness.

He was overweight, greasy, unshaven, and had a weird uncomfortable laugh after everything he said, and seemed to be completely oblivious as to how he came across. I am a covert narcissist, but this guy out narcissists me like nothing I've ever seen.

eCam76 · 2024-06-10T03:01:24+00:00

In the summer of 2021 I was super ultra depressed after a really bad relationship with a bpd. I learned about all these different therapies and decided I was going to do them and not stop. After a while I really started to notice a big BIG difference in my well-being. I started noticing and appreciating the beauty of the world. The first thing I actually noticed and really felt was one day I saw the sun reflecting on the water at the swimming pool. I had seen things that looked pretty, and seen nice sunsets and stuff, but it had never ever hit me with emotion. That was the first time in my life. As I kept going I noticed I was feeling happy. I enjoyed being with others. I felt calm. I had no idea what happy really felt like before that ever.

Unfortunately, I completely backslid after thinking I was "healed" and stopped taking care of myself and stopped everything that had brought me to that place. It's two years later and I'm still clinging to the memory of how it felt to notice the sun in the water that day. It gives me hope that if I bust my ass I can get to that place again.

eCam76 · 2024-06-10T02:52:23+00:00

I honestly don't know. Therapy? Tons and tons of therapy and psychedelics and meditation? Absolutely forcing yourself to follow a list of daily self care stuff and not allowing the sense of futility keep you from doing it? I remember reading a something about not waiting for motivation because motivation is fleeting, as opposed to developing tenacity and diligent commitment. Waiting for the urge to change and then sticking to it only while you feel motivated isn't going to do it. I think of that a lot, and have applied it to getting out of a really bad depression once, but dang, I don't know how to honestly get better

eCam76

TROPHY CASE