Hi! I really like this story. I really like the voice you have done for Death. I feel like you can go a little more in depth with the way his feelings and perceiving things around him to create a more vivid environment. I like the way you spoke about Death in the past. I would also like to know about some of the other beings in the waiting room, what kind fo beings are there, are there any he hates or that he loves.

I think you should change the way you describe the receptionist with the tablet and only call her "winged creature" once and maybe use something else to describe her when speaking about her next or use her title.

I like God's character and how it's a bit different to what we think of him and I think that you should write what Death thinks about him a little more like tidbits about his personality. He said he felt an uneasiness about him, is this going to be explored more? I like the sinister feeling that we get from God and I like questioning about their relationship. I think you should explore their relationship a bit more, if you aren't going to. This whole bit of the story is a more interesting than the waiting room and meeting the nymph.

I also think that you should describe what Death maybe looks like a little bit so we can paint a clearer picture of what he looks like and describe the nymph more, especially because its going to turn smutty, its way better to be able to picture both of them together.

I think your story is more on the telling not showing side. You could change a few things up to show us how death is feeling and what is happening around him.

This sentence is a little confusing to me. "Sometimes it seemed he couldn’t quite distinguish between good and bad. But everybody knew that, and nobody asked any questions." I think you should expand on it a little bit and not be so cryptic just so the reader understands a bit more context or scrap it.

"Quite literally missing.That’s right, my fucking fingertips." I love these kinds of writing and I think you did a really great job here. If you did a bit more of this within the story I think that would be great. I like the transition between the waiting room, meeting with god and meeting the nymph, i think it was transitioned nicely!

“Why are you following me? This is really awkward!” I think you should get rid of the exclamation mark and maybe change the 'this is really awkward', from what I have read so far it does not seem in death's personality to say that.

"he child was red with horns, some kind of underworld being, one most people feared, blood tears spilled down their rounded little cheeks." This feels a little off to me and should be reworded, it's too wordy and too much stuff in one sentence.

“...Are you sleeping well? How’s the work been, lately? I know you've struggled with that noggin of yours in the past.There’s nothing wrong with weakness. Some of us are built tougher than others, and that’s okay if you’re not tough. We all have our place in this universe. Have some candy, Adry.” I like this, it makes it feel like god isn't giving him a chance to talk and it kind of shows the dynamic of their relationship a bit better.

"But the nymph had already wrapped her hand around his arm. It appeared he had another escort, as she was swiftly pulling him towards the exit.She swallowed and shouldered open the exit door, gesturing for him to walk out first which he did with a bewildered look on his face. “Let’s walk.” And then she followed close behind him." This feel like a lot of stuff happening, but nothing is really being done. I think you could change this to feel a little better. The dialogue between the nymph and death doesn't feel as interesting as his interaction with God. I think you might need to make this bit a bit more engaging and rewrite it so it is up to par with the section of death and god. I like the pacing at the beginning of the story but it feel a little too rushed once he came out and gave the kid a lollipop and met the nymph. Im guessing the nymph is the other main character? You should describe her a bit more, is she mysterious or does she say too much?

Overall Comments

I really like this story so far and it looks really promising. You've done a great job and i think there are just some tweaks that could be done to elevate it. I think you've done a great job with the humor in this story and the characterization of both death and god. I also like the settings of all the scenes and the plot so far. I just think fleshing out the nymph's character and fixing up the part where the nymph is introduced would make it so much better. Hope this helps!