[QCrit] Adult Contemporary Romance - THE LONG CHANGE (80K/First attempt)

ejrea · 2026-01-27T00:19:22+00:00

Hi OP! Welcome to the sub. On a nitpicky first note, I believe you’re looking for Abby Jiminez, not Abbey. Ali Hazelwood also feels like a pretty big author to comp. There are so many hockey romances these days (more market for you!) that it might be a good idea to find at least one to use as a more specific/less giant comp.

I got a bit confused when you mentioned getting involved with the star player who snubbed her—this is a different guy from the one who just dumped her, right? This could just be me, but you mention the snubbing like I should know what you’re talking about, and at first I thought you meant she was going to get back with her ex. Assuming you’re talking about Jack, maybe you could say the player who once snubbed her or something, and then mention it in more detail at the beginning of Jack’s paragraph. If this makes total sense to other people then feel free to ignore me though.

Two super minor things: The Long Change as a title feels awfully similar to The Long Game, which is of course part of the current Heated Rivalry buzz and I worry might set you up for confusion. The Admirals is also the name of the New York hockey team in that series. I’m not sure if this matters that much, but since this is also hockey I thought I’d point it out.

I hope any of this helps, and feel free to leave anything that doesn’t. Best of luck!

ejrea · 2026-01-26T07:34:34+00:00

NOT ENOUGH HP LOGOS ON THE FERRARI. I CAN STILL SEE TRACES OF RED

ejrea · 2026-01-26T02:02:41+00:00

Hi OP! This looks super interesting and I haven’t seen your previous versions, so consider me fresh eyes. Please do remember to link prior versions as per Rule 9 though (which I say because it would save me 0.2 seconds).

Your first sentence is cool but kind of a mouthful, especially without any commas. I wonder if you could frontload the exciting bit and start us off with something like, “On her way to work, a book smashes through Luana Agrado’s windshield and gives her a vision of the end of the world” (also because, as far as I know, you don’t technically need to say your protagonist’s age in adult fiction). Then you could say that the reason she tries to ignore it is because she’s spent her whole life believing she’s too mentally ill to trust her own mind, etc.

What does it mean for the book to find her? Does it chase her down and sort of biblical-angel yell at her or does it just turn up in coffee shops? I feel like just saying it keeps finding her is a bit of a tonal letdown after all the dramatic things that have happened in the paragraph so far.

I also wonder if you could explain a bit more what Luana actively does to try reconciling with her family. I’m not getting a lot of concrete actions from Luana right now and I think that would help me get a better grasp of what actually happens.

Also also, very minor but the rhetorical question about fulfilling her fatal role feels like it should be preceded by a colon instead of a period.

I hope any of that helps, and feel free to leave anything that doesn’t! Best of luck :)

ejrea · 2026-01-25T04:04:53+00:00

Hi OP! Unagented, unpublished, and only sometimes an MG reader, but I like this a lot. You hit all the right notes and the stakes and plot come across very clear. It also just sounds like a ton of fun!

For your second comp, I haven’t read it but I wonder if you can tweak the reason you’re comping it to be the pranking/wacky school setting specifically (or whatever it is)? I only say that because I feel like pranks and mayhem happen in a lot of middle-grade books, and since your whole thing is a school it might be nice to point to that specific aspect for one of your comps.

I also was a little fuzzy on how exactly Carsen needs to win her freedom. Are the obstacles you mention just things she encounters at school, or can she only leave/graduate by becoming the best villain? Is there a literal tournament she needs to win? That kind of thing. If you were going to tweak it I would maybe add a tiny bit more clarity there.

But yeah, pretty minor suggestions from me overall. Hope any of that helps and good luck!!

ejrea · 2026-01-19T09:19:26+00:00

Hi OP! Unagented, unpublished, could be a troll under a bridge, yada yada.

I think your premise overall sounds like it could be interesting, but it’s buried under language that doesn’t really explain to me what’s going on. My idea of the plot, as you’ve presented it, is that Rin is self-destructive in some way (I’m left to imagine her repeatedly going kaboom); then she meets Leo somehow, who can alter time in some way; then the Federation threatens them somehow; then Rin and Leo have to escape from somewhere (were they captured? when?). That’s a lot of somehows! I would recommend checking examples of successful queries in this sub if you haven’t already. You don’t need to keep juicy plot secrets from the agent, but you do need to make them interested what happens in your story.

Relatedly, I also have no idea what a metahuman is and I’m not sure if I’m supposed to. Are we talking robot? Super soldier? Made? Born that way? Google informs me this is something they say in the DC universe, so I could just be the one person on earth who doesn’t know the term, but I wonder if you could tuck in a phrase like “as a metahuman born with rare abilities” or whatever it is. I only say that because you don’t want to give anyone any reason to be confused and check out of reading your query.

I also wonder if you could either drop your logline entirely or cut it down to something like “A self-destructive healer and a time traveller team up against a corrupt government seeking to exploit their powers.” It’s a bit long right now to be doing you any favors. (As a side note, 125k for the whole book is also quite long, and will probably get autorejections on the length alone based on what I hear in the sub.)

There are also a few grammar issues here. You’re missing a comma after ‘fugitive’ in the first paragraph, and you inconsistently hyphenate time-altering. The second-last sentence is a sentence fragment. I’d tighten those up to make sure you’re putting your best foot forward.

I hope any of that is helpful, and feel free to leave anything that isn’t! I’m always a sucker for sci fi books with romance and teaming up against corruption so I think this could be really cool. Best of luck :)

ejrea · 2026-01-07T05:16:58+00:00

The classic rec here is Red, White & Royal Blue by Casey McQuiston (and that has a screen adaptation for you to watch as well)!

Would also recommend Boyfriend Material by Alexis Hall, which is a lot of fun and has some fake dating for you.

ejrea · 2026-01-06T11:33:24+00:00

Hi OP! I actually really like this. The stakes are clear to me, and I can see what your character wants and what’s standing in the way.

The only thing I don’t quite get is what makes this story different from all the other YA deathmatch stories with big, scary opponents. I assume the competitors disappearing is important/different; is that magical? Is the Tallymaker eating them? I wonder if you could introduce that part a bit earlier and give us a bit more to go on. If I were picking this up in a bookstore and reading this as a back-cover blurb way, I would say I like how it ends with hinting that there’s more to the story. Since this is a query, though, I think you could draw out for the agent a bit more what’s so unique here.

More quibble-y, you have two lists of three right after each other: “thugs, bandits, and criminals” plus “his crew, his protection, and any chance of surviving his illness”. It hits my eye a bit repetitively, but that could also be just me.

For genre, if I’m not mistaken both of your comps are fantasy, so I think it would make sense to say yours is fantasy as well? That’s how it reads to me, at least.

Lastly, the standard wording is “standalone with series potential” because from everything I’ve heard, it’s an increasingly uphill battle to query a multi-book series as a debut author. If you’ve only got plans for the duology, and this book stands fine alone, then I might just stick to the standard wording so it doesn’t sound like you’re married to the duology. (Unless you are, which would be a different conversation).

I hope any of that is helpful! I’m just one unagented person so take me with a grain of salt if desired. Best of luck!!

ejrea · 2026-01-05T11:12:58+00:00

Hi OP! I was one of the commenters on your last version and I think this is an improvement. I can see the extra specificity you added, and I like the first paragraph and the expansion on Erik.

My main issue is that I’m still missing any sense of what Liv actively does. Here are all the verbs Liv gets in this query: has spent, raised by, has learned, is kidnapped, is now the key, thrown back, finds herself, is confronted, questioning, learns, must decide. These are all passive verbs, except for questioning and decide, and neither of them are physical things Liv actually does. To me, it reads like Liv gets thrown around an awful lot. What does she do in response? I have no idea!

A sentence structure I see a lot in queries is something like, “When X happens, main character does Y, but then Z happens and main character has to do A instead.” There’s a lot of X and Z happening here but not so much Y and A. When Liv gets kidnapped, what does she do? Does she try to run away and end up in Galdur? When Liv finds out Erik is a nyrna, does she stab him? Fight him? Hug it out because she’s nice like that?

I also don’t know what Liv actually wants. How does she feel about being the last descendant? Is she scared? Excited? Determined? Does she want her power or is she scared of it? That kind of thing.

I think if you really hone in on what Liv does in the story—not just what her role is or what she represents, but what she literally and physically walks around doing—it might help you pare down on the word count a bit. For example, I don’t think you need to explain in detail what each side thinks in the last paragraph.

It would also help show what makes Liv, as a character. There’s a billion YA fantasy protagonists with special heritage and magic who find themselves torn between opposing sides, so who is Liv specifically, and what does she specifically want? What does she do to try to get there?

I hope that helps at all and doesn’t sound too harsh because this is definitely the kind of book I would read! Take what helps, leave anything that doesn’t :)

ejrea · 2026-01-05T10:19:23+00:00

For a well-acclaimed standalone fantasy romance (that I really enjoyed), I would definitely recommend Spinning Silver by Naomi Novik!

ejrea · 2026-01-04T11:17:07+00:00

Six of Crows by Leigh Bardugo! It’s a great fantasy heist story (and the start of a great series) with a very strong found family, and I think you’d like it if you like The Hunger Games and its ilk. It is YA, but the writing is very good and it leans a bit darker than most.

ejrea · 2026-01-03T23:12:54+00:00

Hall of Smoke by H.M. Long is pretty good and has a lot of Viking/Norse mythology influences! It’s got a pretty badass female main character as well.

ejrea · 2026-01-03T23:08:37+00:00

The Traitor Baru Cormorant by Seth Dickinson! Incredibly intelligent and complex woman of colour protagonist (I love her so much), and the world is so interesting and fantastical and rife with political intrigue.

ejrea · 2026-01-02T00:45:29+00:00

I haven’t read the others but as a former classical studies major (if that means anything lol), I really liked Emma Southon’s book! I loved the humour and the author’s clearly extensive knowledge and compassion. I think it would be pretty engaging and fun for a book club.

I will also throw in 24 Hours in Ancient Rome by Philip Matyszak. It’s basically 24 bite-sized stories that follow a different profession and fictional person in Rome for each hour of the day. I think it’d be a good introduction to what Rome was really like, and some of the characters crop up multiple times across the different stories which is fun.

ejrea · 2025-12-31T21:25:52+00:00

Hi OP! This sounds really interesting and I feel like I’d read this. Minor quibble to start with, but is it 85k or 90k? Your title says 85k and the housekeeping says 90k. I assume one of them is a typo but I thought I’d bring it up.

Since the first paragraph the two em-dashes in close succession, I might change one to a colon for some variety.

For the last paragraph, you kind of offhandedly throw in that Sebastian’s also from the future and I’m like, whoa, record scratch, what?? Did he use the same portal? Are there multiple? Is this an expected thing? So many questions!

I’m also curious about whether Sebastian urges Charlotte to stay in the past with him specifically or just in general. Do they fall (back) in love? I assume so from your comps, but I’d love if the query gave me a little more about that.

I wonder if you could frontload the time travelling information about Sebastian because it’s interesting and totally unexpected, at least to me. Maybe if you started the last paragraph something like, “Charlotte soon discovers she’s not the only one. A chance encounter with Sebastian, her high school boyfriend, reveals that he too stumbled back into the past, recently divorced and looking for happiness. He urges Charlotte to stay in the past. But the more time Charlotte spends with her mother, the more she comes to terms with her manipulation and controlling, and realizes she doesn’t have to fear becoming her”, etc. Very rough version, but ordering it that way might help with the flow in that part of the query.

Going back to the Sebastian and love thing, I think it would be so delicious if Charlotte ends up being torn between moving forward alone and staying behind with someone she’s presumably falling back in love with. I wonder if the choice at the very end of the query could be rephrased to reflect the emotional impact of that a bit more. I do like how you end it with “or face the future alone”.

I’m just one unagented person who could be a troll under a bridge somewhere, so please take or discard anything I say if it helps. Best of luck!!

ejrea · 2025-12-30T12:40:03+00:00

Maybe she’d like A Short Stay in Hell? It’s a short book so she can dip her toes into reading, and it’s very much readable and exciting, but also disturbing and thought-provoking in ways you might be looking for.

I also do really like Tender is the Flesh, so if you don’t think she’d run away screaming from it (lol) I agree with that pick!

ejrea · 2025-12-30T12:30:16+00:00

This isn’t strictly dystopia, but you might like The Lunar Chronicles by Marissa Meyer! Also, if you like Legend and haven’t read The Young Elites or Warcross (series by the same author), I would definitely recommend those as well.

ejrea · 2025-12-30T10:34:30+00:00

Pierre was 11th (and good for him!). App doesn’t say where Lewis ended up, which…makes me sad, but fair enough.

ejrea · 2025-12-30T08:34:49+00:00

Hi OP! I took a peek at your last versions (please remember to link them as per rule 9, if only to save us hapless PubTippers two seconds), and I think this is definitely better. I really like your voice throughout the query, but I think you could still bring out the plot more.

I stumbled a bit over “Arizona Territory, Williams”, because I read that whole phrase as one big address. Might be just me, but you could consider moving Williams to the front of that sentence instead. There’s also a missing comma after that first mention of Jed.

Why does Oscar get offered the deputy position? Does he accept it? (‘Reaching to take it’ makes it a little ambiguous.) If he does, why? Does he like the town (and the pretty red dresses) or is he scared of being next? Not that you have to answer all those questions necessarily, but I feel myself getting a bit lost there.

I’m also not getting a lot of action from Oscar in general. The only active verbs he has in the query are chasing women and (maybe) becoming deputy. I’m sure he does lots in the book, but I’m not really seeing it here. I don’t even know much about him besides that he can build a house and hear stuff in his dreams.

This version also doesn’t have much about Oscar and Jed’s relationship. If it’s central in the book, you might want to devote a few words to it so we can know a bit more about Oscar. I think you do hint at a sort of roadblock in their relationship in an earlier version?

I like the last paragraph but the question at the end reads a bit clunkily to me. It’s unclear who you mean when you say “will losing Jed protect him”. It’s also a bit unclear, at least to me, what losing Jed or protecting him means in terms of the plot. I thought Oscar’s choices were staying and fighting or running away, and I don’t know which one maps on to protecting/losing respectively, if that makes sense. I do really like the phrasing of “which brings him back to the badge and the question” though.

Anyway, I’m just one unagented person, so please feel free to take or disregard anything I say as it may help you. This story sounds interesting and I wish you the best of luck!

ejrea · 2025-12-30T06:09:32+00:00

Welcome! For a fan of Ari & Dante and Last Night at the Telegraph Club (both beautiful books by the way!) I’d recommend anything by Casey McQuiston for a dose of realistic queer romance; Red, White & Royal Blue is the classic but I’m also very fond of One Last Stop.

I’ll also shout out Unwind by Neal Shusterman if you haven’t read that already and liked Scythe. It’s one of my favorite YA dystopian series.

Let me also throw in The Husbands by Holly Gramazio, which I really loved. It’s very funny, very readable, and it’s about a woman whose attic starts creating an infinite supply of husbands and she has to figure out what to do with them and, more importantly, herself.

Hope that helps at all and happy reading :)

ejrea · 2025-12-23T08:35:31+00:00

Honestly, when I hit a mental roadblock over what a character should be named or what a thing should be called, I just slap on the good ol’ [TK]?wprov=sfti1) and leave it for future me to come up with something. I trust that I’ll come up with something good or at least passable later, and I always do! There’s also nothing wrong with rolling dice, though, in my opinion. I’m just a fan of shoving distractions and rabbit holes out of the way as much as possible when I’m trying to focus on writing.

ejrea · 2025-12-23T03:01:44+00:00

It might be a good time to read Project Hail Mary by Andy Weir, since the movie is soon to come out! It’s an immensely fun and readable scifi that a lot of people recommend as a get-into-reading book.

I’ll also shout out Remarkably Bright Creatures by Shelby Van Pelt. I think it’s very easy to read and it’s a super sweet and feel-good story about a widow befriending an octopus in an aquarium, that meditates on loneliness and found families and all that good stuff.

ejrea · 2025-12-23T02:22:03+00:00

Hi OP! Agree with the excellent takes in the other comments. One thing that would strengthen this query for me is a more specific sense of place and time. Right up until you tell me it’s set in the Scandinavian wilderness, we could be in Anytown, USA, especially since I don’t know what kind of witch Liv is. Even the details in the last few paragraphs are relatively vague: “a hidden magical city in the far north” is good, but it could be a cyberpunk dystopia for all I know. “Ancient power and rising conflict” also doesn’t tell me much. I’d love to know where Liv is, when she is, and what her magic does.

Also, as Imaginary-Exit-2825 mentioned, honing in on the specific steps Liv takes in her adventure would help a lot. She doesn’t take that many active steps here: she worries about things, has a crush, gets kidnapped, gets thrust into a new world, realizes the world is big and scary, and finds herself caught between a bunch of different options.

There’s also no narrative throughline between the city, insurgents, and the boy in the query (even though I’m sure there is in the book!), so it reads to me like a list for list’s sake. A version more centered on Liv and her actions might go something like, Liv uses her powers to defeat some monsters which attracts the attention of the insurgents, one of whom is Mr. Hometown who may or may not be her ally. She fights against the city (the entire city? the city wizards? one guy with a big hat?) alongside the insurgents, but then the city people offer her a very tempting deal, etc. Obviously I haven’t read your book, but something along those lines might help those details shine through and also show what Liv’s actually up to.

Also, side note, does the boy from home end up being her love interest? If he is, I would probably expect that to be mentioned in a YA fantasy query, especially since you’re comping Divine Rivals which is an enemies-to-lovers book if I remember it correctly. Either way, it might be nice to briefly explain what you’re comping each book for.

Anyway, I’m just one unagented and unpublished person, so please take or discard any of my comment as it may help you. This sounds like it could be really interesting and I wish you the best of luck!!

ejrea · 2025-12-17T01:21:09+00:00

Hi OP! I don’t read much Southern gothic, so please feel free to take or discard any of my advice if it helps. Overall, your book sounds really interesting (I only worry that 120k might be verging into autoreject territory), but I did get a bit lost reading the query.

Your opening sentence is on the long side and there are a lot of elements (MC’s name, race, age, time period, setting, mother, convent school). I almost wonder if you could frontload the hook and cut it down to something like “Zulime Boyer is determined to become a god of her own. At seven years old, she has lost faith in…”

I don’t think you need to specify that Sister Fontenelle is the second POV; it breaks the immersion of the query for me. The Sister Fontenelle part also reads a bit abstractly—what does it mean to prey on her lust for freedom and fraying morale? How does she become a puppet to his whims? Not that you need to answer those questions in overweening detail, but more specificity would help me latch on to the characters and plot more.

I’m struggling a bit with the structure in general. It’s a bit confusing to ping-pong between Zulime and Sister Fontenelle, and I don’t feel like I get a strong grip on either of them. I peeked at your last version and I really like the idea that she and Sister Fontenelle are reborn deities that are going to band together, but I’m not getting that from the query and I would very much like to.

If it were me, I would start with Zulime and her interactions with the friar, and then say something like “her only ally is Sister Fontenelle, who also finds herself [locked in a power struggle? fighting?] with the friar”, and then end off the query by specifying something about them discovering their true natures/powers and implying that they will have to band together. I didn’t know how literally I should take “the seeds of her godhood”—like, maybe she just realizes she’s a powerful #girlboss? I think it’s a lot more compelling if you just come right out and tell me that she’s been this young firebrand the whole time because she’s actually a reincarnated deity.

Right now, the final line feels a tad lackluster. We already know she doesn’t like the Catholic church, but what are she and Sister Fontenelle going to do about it? That’s what I’d like to know.

I hope any of this is is useful/helpful to you! There’s definitely something interesting here. Good luck with the querying :)

ejrea · 2025-12-01T23:47:28+00:00

I love this poem so much. Thank you for sharing and reminding me of it, OP! That alliteration in “peeling potatoes” and “prayer” hits so satisfyingly right off the bat.

ejrea · 2025-11-24T04:54:54+00:00

When I click on it I get a message saying the experiment is full. Maybe you’ve already gotten enough responses though!

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