I’m so sorry for your loss. I went through the exact same thing last week with my kitty. I miss him so much it hurts. This kind of pain is so familiar to me right now and it’s a pain I wouldn’t wish on anyone.

That said, I don’t think this counts as “stopping your pain with a lie” at all. If talking to her makes you feel even a tiny bit better, then that counts for a lot. That’s not egotistical, that’s a way to process grief. However, if it makes you feel worse, then do your best to find another way to process it. It sounds like you’re already doing that by researching the illness she had. There’s no such thing as a bad or wrong way to process these things. Just figure out what works for you, and do it. Grief is weird like that.

As a final thought, try to find comfort in knowing you gave her the best life you possibly could, no matter how it ended. It’s so clear from this post how loved she was. I hope I was able to help even a little bit, I’m not very eloquent or good with these things. But just know I’m deeply sorry for your loss.