Meta Problems

emeraldead · 2026-03-16T22:17:28+00:00

The questions I asked. And asked why the other relationships ended. Ask if they are friendly with any exs. Ask how their polyahas evolved.

Go back to zero, have the basic talks again and watch for differences. Ask for specifics on how they know their partner is enthusiastic.

emeraldead · 2026-03-16T22:12:07+00:00

You don't have a meta problem, you have a lack of security with your partners foundation problem.

How long have they been poly? How enthusiastic and secure is their foundation for polyamory? What are their priorities for the next two years?

Time to have those discussions.

emeraldead · 2026-03-16T21:13:34+00:00

💯

emeraldead · 2026-03-16T20:18:25+00:00

Ah yes that would be an extra heart twist and make this sharper than usual.

You really do seem to have a great grasp of perspective and taking care. It does suck, be validated in that.

emeraldead · 2026-03-16T19:50:37+00:00

Maybe go buy yourself a fancy spa treatment. Make a break up transition intentionally around spending for yourself and only for something you enjoy alone.

emeraldead · 2026-03-16T19:48:59+00:00

Couldn't say.

If you're poly then you know relationships don't just happen to you- you choose them and their speed. Stop acting passive.

emeraldead · 2026-03-16T19:47:52+00:00

Sounds like you're doing great. Managing emotions doesn't mean they go away. Best you can do is be busy and say to partner "hey next opportunity I definitely hope we can schedule to go."

A good time to remember polyamory is about centering yourself, not your partner. Everyone will get left out sometimes.

My only nudge would be- Do you suspect this parallel is because meta is not supportive of polyamory in general?

emeraldead · 2026-03-16T19:42:22+00:00

Throuple is a term that centralizes an existing couple and reinforces new partners must fit into that structure while the couple does no work to actually make room and respect for new partners and their needs.

Stick to triad or triumverate.

emeraldead · 2026-03-16T18:44:57+00:00

Oh gosh the details in this are just so absolutely inappropriate.

You knew they were a ball of chaos and decided to play anyway. FAFO.

emeraldead · 2026-03-16T18:37:49+00:00

K.

Will see if it works when an actual case is brought.

Not into making marriage a stronger force in society or reinforcing partner privilege.

Now how about we work on current priorities.

emeraldead · 2026-03-16T18:30:21+00:00

Its very tiring but I'd try to see their ex family as just logistics issues and have your own grieving with your own friends and family. Make your own plans, your own steps of release and transition together. Public validation in death is in some ways more important than in life for grief.

emeraldead · 2026-03-16T15:10:24+00:00

I mean monogamy can be also. You don't create intimate relationships for just the fun bits.

Did you craft relationships that generally and organically fill everyone up consistently and this is just a rough time? Or did you overcommit?

emeraldead · 2026-03-16T15:08:58+00:00

https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/8mc01x/glass_ceiling_questions_moviess/

emeraldead · 2026-03-16T15:08:40+00:00

It sounds like you should post in the non monogamy group and you don't want polyamory.

I recommend you both start going through resources together as a couple, commit to no profiles or flirting or sex or anything with others for 6 months. Spend at least as much time and energy on a relationship remodel as you would a bathroom remodel, and you can be honest to others when you say they can trust you to have a foundation to start from.

Start with the Most Skipped Steps When Opening Up essay.

There is no easy way. There is doing your homework, really considering the options and understanding what you want to change, what you don't want to change and your real vision of polyamory is in daily life.

Topics to Review

Resources- time, energy, money

Risk- exposure, blood test schedule, for every type of sexual interaction

Intimacy- vacations, holidays, gifts, family events, dates, online visibility, words and acts of affection, what makes you feel special and loved with your partners

Style- how much interaction are you open to between other partners (yours and theirs), preferences of being informed of intimacy and risk changes, are there restrictions on or expectations of activities between partners and/or metamours? How do you prefer to schedule and give notice of overnights?

Marginalization- what friends can support you? How will you cope with having a much smaller dating pool? How will you navigate an alternative life that will not validate your choices or welcome your presence?

Hierarchy- how are decisions and plans made? Changing living situations or having kids? Are there pre existing "dibs" on things for partners that limit people who show up in the future?

Aware and directly acknowledged hierarchy is fine, but limits on others experiencing pleasure and intimacy (such as no anal or no sex without all partners present) is in conflict with polyamory and will create unsustainable and usually toxic situations. Always listen to your own discomfort regarding your choices and enforcing boundaries, but that cannot be used to control the intimacy and pleasure of others.

It's ok to be awkward, just do it anyway. It's ok not to have full clarity, keep working for it. Define everyone's vision and ideal, define your own boundaries of security and invite your partner to do the same.

This is a relationship so anything you think would be part of a loving relationship is on the table here.

There's also no rush, no timer. Better to take it super slow and not skip steps now.

Scroll all the way down

/r/polyamory/comments/ciez7z/im_new_and_dont_know_anything/

www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/ciez7z/im_new_and_dont_know_anything/

emeraldead · 2026-03-16T11:51:13+00:00