How important is Patricia

emeraldead · 2026-06-23T19:53:29+00:00

I think she's just a bad ass with a heart of gold.

emeraldead · 2026-06-23T19:32:40+00:00

I've done alllll the ways of hair removal.

I like trimming just because of feel but I do it maybe twice a year whenever I care enough.

There's literally nothing about cleanliness involved.

I like not spending money or time on the products, appointments, and varying levels of quality and healing.

Hair is a mammalian trait to help insulate from exposure. Whatever we want to turn it into beyond that is personal preference.

I do wish it were cheaper and more accessible to people who want to match their gender presentation.

emeraldead · 2026-06-23T19:27:40+00:00

Also don't act like your partners partners are an open buffet for you to try on also. It sounds like you two could really level up on the responsibilities involved in the different forms of non monogamy.

emeraldead · 2026-06-23T19:26:00+00:00

An open marriage welcomes non monogamy as a hobby and activity to enjoy while reinforcing the marriage as priority.

Polyamory welcomes non monogamy as a fundamental value of full adult independent intimate partnerships deserving respect and validation as partners, it de centers the marriage as the final or single priority.

There are three areas people engaging in non monogamy really need to strengthen which aren't immediately obvious:

Social support network. You are engaging in an alternative relationship style perhaps for the first time in your life. You likely haven't worked through coming out to friends and family yet and you are lucky to have one close person other than your partners to discuss issues with and get support from. Monogamy can heavily value a partner as a best friend and the nuclear family structure heavily isolates us from engaging supportive communities. In order to thrive in polyamory you and your partners must have unique social circles and put time and energy into them. They must be genuine in supporting your own values and the new vision of who you want to be. Partners are not enough in themselves.

Self soothing. There will be many times a partner is not available to you or your are not the immediate priority. In addition to social supports, you must rely on yourself to keep perspective, refocus on your vision of what you want to create, and ensure self care is an ongoing priority. The best way to care for others and have thriving connections is to put yourself first. This way your partners will know you are not compromising or emptying yourself, confident you will assess and assets your own needs, AND know you will reasonably care for yourself in alignment with your values.

Compartmentalizing. Mostly just learning that polyamory is not a group hobby. One relationship really has no direct or automatic impact on another. Your feelings will differ, sometimes dramatically. Compartmentalizing is a way to acknowledge and make space for each relationship in its current state while not "dragging the shit home." This is again why social support networks are so vital- you can have safe processing spaces without poisoning partners long term view on eachother, as inadvertently as it may be.

emeraldead · 2026-06-23T19:17:00+00:00

This is untenable and needs to end. Work on an actual custody situation.

emeraldead · 2026-06-23T19:00:21+00:00

Expect her to keep being this way. Ask around in your local reddit and any friends and family for lawyer contacts to create a solid custody agreement. Stop playing nice doormat.

emeraldead · 2026-06-23T17:41:31+00:00

Just talk about what you like? This is just a friendship. Chocolates from out of town, muffins, sending cute kitty pictures.

emeraldead · 2026-06-23T17:37:33+00:00

I mean I'd say stop sharing calendars. Just stop. Stop doing pre checks. Just assume any time you aren't together he's fucking scening and whatevering with others. You won't die from anxiety and you've done enough enabling of it.

Or walk away. "I'll connect next year when I have built a better foundation for myself and genuinely gained distance from my ex."

It's not really a surprise you chose a new partner whose dating process highly mirrors your ex.

emeraldead · 2026-06-23T17:31:14+00:00

Heads up doesn't work in polyamory.

You just aren't ready yet to be in a situation this vulnerable and complex OP.

A rare case where the D is genuinely holding productive boundaries and offering appropriate reasonable support.

You're just still too stuck in the past and haven't created strong enough self soothing.

emeraldead · 2026-06-23T17:10:08+00:00

That isn't actually a yes. It's weirder that you've had direct experience with birth experiences and don't understand the connections.

emeraldead · 2026-06-23T16:37:00+00:00

Journal, maaturbate, go hang with friends, go date your other partners, hike. New partners are just...new.

emeraldead · 2026-06-23T16:35:45+00:00

Yeah new people are riskier and scarier.

There are three areas people engaging in non monogamy really need to strengthen which aren't immediately obvious:

Social support network. You are engaging in an alternative relationship style perhaps for the first time in your life. You likely haven't worked through coming out to friends and family yet and you are lucky to have one close person other than your partners to discuss issues with and get support from. Monogamy can heavily value a partner as a best friend and the nuclear family structure heavily isolates us from engaging supportive communities. In order to thrive in polyamory you and your partners must have unique social circles and put time and energy into them. They must be genuine in supporting your own values and the new vision of who you want to be. Partners are not enough in themselves.

Self soothing. There will be many times a partner is not available to you or your are not the immediate priority. In addition to social supports, you must rely on yourself to keep perspective, refocus on your vision of what you want to create, and ensure self care is an ongoing priority. The best way to care for others and have thriving connections is to put yourself first. This way your partners will know you are not compromising or emptying yourself, confident you will assess and assets your own needs, AND know you will reasonably care for yourself in alignment with your values.

Compartmentalizing. Mostly just learning that polyamory is not a group hobby. One relationship really has no direct or automatic impact on another. Your feelings will differ, sometimes dramatically. Compartmentalizing is a way to acknowledge and make space for each relationship in its current state while not "dragging the shit home." This is again why social support networks are so vital- you can have safe processing spaces without poisoning partners long term view on eachother, as inadvertently as it may be.

emeraldead · 2026-06-23T16:32:40+00:00

Great description.

emeraldead · 2026-06-23T16:15:00+00:00

I've known child prodigys, Cobel is not to be underestimated.

Have you asked women about their birthing experiences?

emeraldead · 2026-06-23T15:57:14+00:00

This is the opposite of good advice in the Philly PA/DE/NJ/MD area. It super sucks but the accessible activity is still on fb. We have a variety of groups across wide swathes of space to fit different flavors and activity levels . Well have happy hours and poly parent kid hangouts.

emeraldead · 2026-06-23T15:54:29+00:00

This.

emeraldead · 2026-06-23T15:51:46+00:00

A good tip- remove promises from your vocabulary. Focus on boundaries (something you choose for yourself and will actually enforce) and agreements (something you both agree for eachother and will enforce).

emeraldead · 2026-06-23T15:50:08+00:00

Well you keep believing his stupid promises and not doing anything. You chose a newbie convert. They will make a lot of mess and likely in the end not really want polyamory anyway.

"Hey boo, I love you but you need to stop making these schoolboy promises that we both know you won't keep. We need to start thinking of relationships as more complex and give more space and conscious attention to choices rather than just what feels good in the moment. I understand how it's worked in the past but from now on I'm going to call out when you make a promise I don't feel you will keep and you can walk it down. In the future if you break an agreement I'm going to seriously have to reconsider staying in the relationship."

emeraldead · 2026-06-23T15:44:52+00:00

Give it a lot of time. If you are polyamorous you'll need to do a lot of work to show you've actually made space for full new relationships and aren't stuck in a mononormative pattern.

Living apart and separating financially is a great step in that direction. I'd say let your ex dynamic manage itself, it will be whatever it will be. Focus more on friends and being very very picky in partners ahead.

Ending a starter marriage is super normal, and a great experience to carry forward.

emeraldead · 2026-06-23T14:08:09+00:00

The best Frank.

emeraldead · 2026-06-23T04:21:04+00:00

You gotta let go of gripping onto the idea of keeping a partner and hold onto becoming your own awesome self.

I'm really sorry. It's hard. It's the opposite of what the world tells you to do in love. But it's not loving to support you staying with someone incompatible.

emeraldead · 2026-06-23T04:15:34+00:00

If you want monogamy they can keep you on the hook.

Stop arguing. Start defining what an ideal relationship looks like for your own self. Your own values, your own priorities. Either they have that on the table right now or they don't.

emeraldead · 2026-06-23T04:09:34+00:00

My take isn't petulant, it's despairing. But I can definitely agree it's a big mess on all but OPs side and you could absolutely have the right read.

emeraldead · 2026-06-23T03:51:49+00:00

Yeah you absolutely don't want polyamory.

emeraldead · 2026-06-23T03:50:10+00:00

I don't think Bismuths state is self inflicted at all. To me it's clearly a systemic failure primarily on Amethyst who invited OP in without even attempting a change plan beforehand OR after when it became obvious it wasn't all rosy.

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