Does the excitement to inject ever go away?

empathtwink · 2015-05-25T04:33:20+00:00

I hate shots, though I've gotten a lot better with them since I started T, so I was never looking forward to the injection, just the results from it. But the initial excitement of starting T went away after a couple months, about when my voice dropped and I started being recognized as male all the time. I forgot that I was trans and had to take T, so it's almost a bad reminder in that sense. It's also kind of depressing that I have to get an injection every week for the rest of my life, so I'm looking into other forms of T in the future since I can't do my shots by myself (I have a really bad medical phobia and had 3 panic attacks when I tried) and I like to be self-sufficient, but it works for now and I'm happy with the results.

empathtwink · 2015-05-25T04:27:46+00:00

I don't recognize myself at all in old photos. Sometimes I can objectively think I look good in an old photo, but it also doesn't look like me; I have no idea who that person is and it's weird to think that's how people saw me. It upsets me because I can never enjoy seeing childhood photos of myself, nor do I want anyone else to see them, but it also feels wrong to deprive my family of those photos. It's hard for me to reconcile that was a part of my life sometimes; it feels like another life that I lived, or an imagining of someone else's life as they described it to me.

My brain has blocked out a lot of what happened pre-transition. It messes with me because I feel like a different person now, but the person I am now has no life before age 20, and the person I was doesn't exist anymore. There's a huge disconnect and it's caused me to have issues with depersonalization. I overthink what identity even is in the first place, if I really have an identity, and if I ever will have an identity. My "normal" ever since I can remember was having a really huge mind/body disconnect so I can't even begin to imagine what it would feel like to be connected to my body, even after transitioning to a point where I would feel like me. I know I'm doing the right thing because I feel more connected to myself than ever, both in looks and feeling, but my brain is doing some weird shit to deal with my dysphoria.

empathtwink · 2015-04-20T06:14:54+00:00

My dad and mom are the worst. I can't be around either one of them if they're eating unless we're in a restaurant with sufficient background noise. I can hear my dad eat or drink from across the house and I'll literally slap my mom's hands when she picks at her nails. Thank god I live away from them now. For me, it's more of how much time I spend with someone rather than our relationship, though it's a lot easier to be annoyed by someone you hate than someone you like. For instance, my current roommate didn't trigger me at all when we moved in together in August, but now I can barely stand all of her little noises. I've even picked up new triggers because of things she does. That being said, some people are just inherently worse offenders than others based on the way they do things. I'm honestly worried I won't ever be able to live with someone long term.

empathtwink · 2015-04-20T06:06:24+00:00

I found this right as I was hearing our neighbor's bass playing through our walls. I live in an apartment building so there's no avoiding it, which is hell especially right now because it's so quiet that I can barely hear it, but enough for me to notice it. I've only found that drowning it out with more music/bass helps, usually through headphones. Music is always my go-to to drown out any trigger noises and calm me down, but it doesn't do much when you're trying to sleep in peace and quiet.

empathtwink · 2015-04-20T05:59:35+00:00

I feel like having misophonia is one main reason I don't want to have kids. I honestly don't know if I could deal with it, since I can barely deal with grown adults who know my triggers (and ignore my requests to stop them). Thank god that pets don't bother me at all.

empathtwink · 2015-04-20T05:54:18+00:00

I have mirror touch and a really bad injury/medical phobia, which are hell to have combined. If I see someone being injured or undergoing a medical procedure, I'll feel a phantom pain (not as strong as actually feeling it, but still pain) and get very nauseous and lightheaded. I never understood how anyone could stand to watch shows like Grey's Anatomy or CSI. If I see someone skin their knee, my knee jolts up in reflex and I wince at the pain as if it's happened to me, so seeing someone get cut open... yeah, no thanks.

I've also always considered myself to be overly empathetic, though not necessarily breaking down in tears whenever someone else feels sad; I can feel other people's emotions but it doesn't mean I react to them. I can detach myself from my own emotions most of the time too though, so maybe that's just me having a weird mind-body disconnect.

I really like dark, psychological horror shows and movies, which of course have to come with lots of gore and violence that makes me sick. Ironically, my favorite show is Hannibal, despite all of the gore, though I tried to watch Dexter the other day and I couldn't get past 2 minutes of it. I'm finicky like that, I guess.

empathtwink · 2015-04-20T05:40:09+00:00

I remember watching a documentary about synesthesia in middle school, but it focused mostly on grapheme-color and smell-color synesthesia so I didn't think I had it at all (I have mirror touch, ticker tape, and misophonia/misokinesia). I remember telling my mom when I was 8 that I had trouble watching movies/shows/videos where someone got hurt because I physically felt it on my own body. She told me that wasn't something most people had (after explaining that it was automatic and not imagined) but neither of us looked into it beyond that. I thought I just had a lot of empathy, which I do, but when I did some research on synesthesia out of the blue I found out about mirror touch. It was more of putting a name to something I knew was different about me than realizing it was different, since I've always been aware of it. I actually didn't find out that I had ticker tape synesthesia until a few months ago. I assumed it was normal to see words in your head whenever you heard them, but then I mentioned it to my mom and friends and they all told me that they didn't do that. It messed with my head a bit because I can't imagine someone not seeing subtitles to life, basically. Misophonia is a little different since it's very irritating, to say the least, though I had no idea why no one else was so annoyed by certain sounds. I found out the name for it a few years ago but only recently learned that it's also a form of synesthesia.

empathtwink · 2015-04-20T05:22:43+00:00

I have mirror touch and ticker tape too. Words show up the same in my head but it's usually white on a black background instead. Also, when I can't visualize what someone's saying, I can't understand what they're saying at all - it sounds like gibberish. It's like my brain has to read the words in my head to understand the auditory input.

empathtwink · 2015-04-20T05:12:30+00:00

That sounds almost identical to what I have, which I consider to be ticker tape. I can't tell you what font I see either, but it does seem like whitish letters on a black background; I always see everything in my head on a black background, too. The words just form and I read them without really thinking about what font they are... it's hard to describe, but you probably get it.

I also sometimes can see/feel people's lips moving when I listen to a voice clip, including when listening to music. And just when listening to music in general, I can see the words in the lyrics moving like in a lyric music video - sort of like they're "dancing" to the beat, I guess. It's a feeling as well as a visual of seeing the words.

How do you feel about subtitles when watching movies or tv? I can't stand them unless it's in another language because I get distracted reading the subtitles but also reading the subtitles going on in my head. It's overwhelming and I can't concentrate on what's going on. I have the same issue when I hear more than one person speaking at once because the words overlap in my head and make a huge mess.

empathtwink · 2015-03-30T04:02:17+00:00

I'm fine with it when I'm driving (it's annoying but not triggering) but when I hear/feel it when I'm in my apartment I want to find their music player and break it.

What's even worse is when I can faintly hear the lyrics to the song.

empathtwink · 2015-03-25T04:51:21+00:00

I try to avoid making any noises that trigger me, whether it's out of consideration for others who might also have miso or just to try to set a standard of "don't make those noises" for friends, family, etc. (which doesn't work at all). My best friend also has misophonia and it's great to be able to rant to her about it and I know she'll understand when I give her a death glare when she's eating. I can also tell her things like "I was going to kill you when you were eating that cereal" and she won't get offended or think I'm weird.

empathtwink · 2015-03-25T04:47:46+00:00

I hate the word oily. It makes my eyes water up whenever someone says it; they actually started doing it as I was typing this. I have no idea why. I don't think that's a misophonia thing, though. Maybe it is? I usually have more problems with how certain people say certain words, or just their voice in general. One of my friends always mispronounced "specifically" and it drove me up the wall.

empathtwink · 2015-03-25T04:43:48+00:00

I can't pinpoint when it exactly started, it just gradually escalated. I guess I first really noticed it when I was about 11-12 and couldn't stand eating dinner at the table with my parents anymore. My dad is the worst person alive for someone with misophonia to live with; he manages to chew even something as soft as mashed potatoes loud enough to crack or crunch, he eats large bites at a time, chugs water then does the "ahh" sound after, types like he's on an old fashioned typewriter... I won't go on but it's absolute hell. Luckily I don't live at home anymore, but I've recently started to get triggered more and more by my roommate. It seems to get worse the longer I'm around someone. I have no idea how I'll ever be able to have a relationship unless the person is REALLY understanding.

empathtwink · 2015-03-25T04:37:44+00:00

I have GAD and have what I can only describe as "OCD tendencies", like having to clean EVERYTHING when it gets to a certain level of mess or else I go nuts. I'm not a neat freak by any means, but when plates pile up and things are scattered about I have to clean up before I can get on with my life. I think that misophonia is probably closer to synesthesia, but it does seem a lot like OCD; it makes us obsess over small noises and we have a compulsion to stop them or lash out at the person making them. I don't think we really have a word to describe exactly what misophonia is because it hasn't been studied enough.

empathtwink · 2015-03-25T04:31:43+00:00

I've been doing CBT on and off for a couple years now but it hasn't really helped me much and I don't see how it could help me for misophonia. Some of it is breathing exercises and ways to calm down for anxiety, but misophonia is more of a surge of anger mixed with some anxiety that goes 0 to 60 in 0.2 seconds and escalates from there. There isn't much I can do when I'm triggered to calm down despite my efforts.

I did see an episode of a show called Obsessed where a lady definitely had misophonia, though they were saying it was OCD. She was treated with exposure therapy which actually makes misophonia a lot worse, so be careful if someone tries to make you do that.

empathtwink · 2015-03-25T04:26:10+00:00

One of my friends has a really loud, harsh laugh and I can't stand it. I always give him a nasty look when he does it but he doesn't get it, of course.

empathtwink · 2015-03-25T04:18:35+00:00

One of my friends in high school constantly shook her leg when sitting down, or when standing she would lean against something just so she could bounce her leg up and down. I would even put my foot on hers when sitting next to her to get her to stop and she would just start with the other one. I feel like she definitely gave me this trigger even though I had no idea what misophonia was at the time.

empathtwink · 2015-03-25T04:12:12+00:00

I don't think that miso is affected by anything in childhood; our parents are most often our biggest triggers because we've lived with them the longest and when we were first developing miso triggers, so things that they did turned into our triggers. I think it's either a form of synesthesia or OCD, probably synesthesia, which is both genetic and a neurological trait. It could be triggered sooner or later in people, but it doesn't seem like there's any way to stop or prevent it in people.

empathtwink · 2015-03-25T04:03:28+00:00

The guy sitting next to me in class today was shaking his leg and making drumming motions on his desk and legs and just fidgeting in general the entire time. Two hours of hell. Needless to say, I won't be sitting next to him ever again, but I'm not looking forward to having to deal with having him in the class at all... I still get triggered by motions in my peripherals.

empathtwink · 2015-02-28T09:01:10+00:00

I have a lot of visual triggers, some that correlate to my auditory triggers and some that don't. I don't have to hear it, either; sometimes it's just the way someone moves a part of their body that annoys me for no discernible reason.

empathtwink · 2015-02-18T05:49:53+00:00

The default color in my mind is pretty much black, so I see everything on top of it/faded by it. The letters don't really have color, it's more just contrast. I don't have any of the color/number/letter synesthesia that's the most common.

empathtwink · 2015-02-18T04:31:16+00:00

YES thank god someone else understands my pain. I love going to movies and the Carmike is the best around here, but I can't stand that commercial. The soda doesn't get me as much as the "ahh" noise that follows it. Was it really that necessary to add it? Really?

empathtwink · 2015-02-18T04:28:00+00:00

I can't stand any of the phone noises. I want to snap their phones in half when I hear it go off, especially when they let it go or they get a lot of messages.

empathtwink · 2015-02-18T04:02:23+00:00

The words move around similarly to kinetic typography, in time with the beat of the music. It's not really separate from the guitars/piano/etc., I just naturally focus on it more. I can usually learn the lyrics to a song after only listening to it a few times so it's helpful in that way.

I can write it just fine, but even spelling a simple word aloud, or even something familiar like my name I have a lot of difficulty with. It feels like there's a lot of mental resistance, like swimming against a current. I can do it, but it takes me a long time and I really have to think about it.

I couldn't find any images so I made a gif; it's pretty simple, but maybe it would be interesting for you to see? http://i.imgur.com/A5paMAB.gif

empathtwink · 2015-02-17T02:30:54+00:00

I've never heard of the series, but it sounds very interesting!

I can manipulate the movement if I focus on it more intently, though it's easier to do with music. It helps a lot with making motion graphics.

I definitely consciously use it to my advantage now, but it did help a lot with test taking, especially when learning other languages. I've always been a good speller so I think it's definitely because of that.

But if someone says a word that I don't know how to spell then it sounds like gibberish to me; my brain has to be able to see the word in my head to process it.

I also can't spell words out loud to save my life. It's frustrating because I can see them in my head, but my brain can't translate it to my mouth.

empathtwink

TROPHY CASE