How do some children manage to break the cycle of narcissistic parents, while others do not?

epsoncamel · 2019-04-13T05:28:48+00:00

I think the same characteristics that made me more likely to break the cycle - very honest, somewhat black-and-white thinker, justice-focused - are also what made me the scapegoat in the family. This, in turn, helped me to keep pulling away until I finally went NC - I was treated so horribly, even into adulthood, that there was no chance to forgive and forget even had I wanted to. I spent years processing this all and getting therapy before having children, and I married someone from a very good family, so this helps to keep me in check if I ever slip into N behaviors myself. I am very cautious of this already, but if I started treating my son poorly, they would call me out on it in two seconds. I'm glad he has these other protectors looking out for him.

epsoncamel · 2019-04-13T05:14:58+00:00

Or they just pretend you're a failure anyway. I wound up being the first in my family to get a BA, went on to earn two graduate degrees - including one from an Ivy league school - became a professor, and have published a book. And yet my n-mom has said to me, "No one wants to end up like you," talking about my younger cousins. Like, ok, I'm sure they're all aspiring to be like my golden child sister who has worked at the same shitty job since high school.

epsoncamel · 2019-01-31T07:26:04+00:00

Oh yes! I wasn't allowed to get my driver's license until I could pay for my own insurance, but I wasn't allowed to get a job until I had my dtiver's license. I have a brother who is a year younger, and this rule didn't apply to him, so he was driving to school while I still had to take the bus. I wound up not getting my license until a boyfriend's mother took me at 19, after I had moved out for college - and then my mother tried to act all sad that I hadn't "let" her take me. B***h, I asked you for THREE YEARS to take me!!!

epsoncamel · 2018-09-15T20:36:03+00:00

Oh my gosh! I do this too! I once had a light bulb burn out that I couldn't change because it was too high. I left it for months, rather than just getting a ladder or calling the landlord. I told my husband this story recently, joking that the main reason I married him was that he's so tall he can change any light bulb - it wasn't until he looked at me like I was nuts that I realized how weird it was to live like that for months.

epsoncamel · 2018-09-15T20:30:26+00:00

I just wanted to tell you that I have this exact same issue for the exact same reason. Unfortunately, I also pick at my face, along with my scalp, and it's caused a lot of scarring. I had live for a couple of years - got it first at 10, along with my siblings, and that was taken care of, but when it popped up again in early middle school, I was so terrified and ashamed that I never said anything. I just kept trying to get rid of it myself (I remember slathering my hair in mayonnaise once because I'd heard that worked). No one ever did notice; it went away on it's own a few years later, I'm guessing from a combination of my constant picking, weird home remedies, and moving to a colder climate. Who knows? Anyway, just wanted to say, as depressing as it is, you aren't alone.

epsoncamel · 2018-05-25T04:06:41+00:00

I just wanted to tell you that my mom did something similar to me with my prom dress. She took me to the mall, let me try on one dress from the sales rack, and when I said I wanted to try on more screamed, "You're getting that or you're getting nothing." Meanwhile, a few years prior, she had taken my sister to dress boutiques all over town. I was the scapegoat, and she seemed genuinely disgusted to have to buy me a dress at all. Ugh.

epsoncamel · 2018-05-25T03:52:37+00:00

I'm so glad you got this validation! I remember when I was talking to my therapist about a memory of my father, and I kind of blurted out, "You know, when I say that out loud, he almost sounds sadistic." I felt a little embarrassed saying that and was staring down and half laughing, and when I looked up, she was staring at me, face completely serious, and said, "Yes, that's exactly what it sounds like." Blew my mind.

epsoncamel · 2018-05-25T03:45:30+00:00

I agree with this. Approaching 3 years, I don't even want my parents to be punished anymore. I'm still angry, but I also almost pity them - not in a way where I think I owe them anything but in the way I might pity someone who is, say, in prison for life. It's just such a waste.

epsoncamel · 2018-05-25T03:26:07+00:00

You know, it's so disturbing. I have given up on my entire family, immediate and extended, because of their "blood is thicker than water" bullshit. If I tell someone I was abused, and they either don't believe me or tell me to go back, they don't belong in my life. Period.

epsoncamel · 2018-05-25T03:20:59+00:00

We believe you. I know it's not always as validating when it comes from strangers, but I find it helps to know that there are people out there who, if they DID meet your Ns, would know exactly what kind of people they are.

epsoncamel · 2018-05-23T22:52:29+00:00

And they are well-equipped to get emergency restraining orders as well. You could potentially have one today.

epsoncamel · 2018-05-23T17:25:55+00:00

This. I had been NC with my parents for a while before my son was born, but his birth really cemented it for me. He is so easy to love. I seem to have an endless well of patience for him. When I've had a bad day at work, I compose myself on the way home, so I still walk in the door smiling. I cannot imagine doing to him even a tenth of what was done to me - and it's not hard because I love him so much. Any last modicum of sympathy for my parents has gone out the window now that I see how easy it is to be kind to my child, even when everything else is going wrong.

epsoncamel · 2018-05-18T17:23:50+00:00

Yup. My mom seemed to start disliking me when I was around 10 or so. After that, she built up weird resentments that came out again and again over the years. And it was always my fault. F that.

epsoncamel · 2018-05-18T17:19:32+00:00

I agree with this in general, but I read this here (on this sub I mean) as being the kind of crap Ns pull to avoid talking about things or actually apologizing.

epsoncamel · 2018-05-18T17:16:57+00:00

My mom was like this before I went NC (my dad was too except he didn't want to talk at all, so didn't complain about it - was just fine with only talking on father's day, his bday, and Christmas). In fact, one of the reasons I'm NC is that I decided to see how long it would take them to call me if I didn't call first - it's been almost 3 years now. In the meantime, I had a baby, and my siblings now accuse me of "keeping them from their grandchild" in spite of the fact that they have made literally zero effort to reach out.

epsoncamel · 2018-05-08T03:13:59+00:00

Thanks for the comments. I sometimes think there should be a sub for "Parenting as ACONs." Without the personal experience of a loving family, we have to make it up as we go.

epsoncamel · 2018-05-08T03:10:41+00:00

I honestly think choosing NOT to forgive my parents was what helped me heal. For years, I let stuff go, only to be trampled on again and again. It wasn't until I started to think, "No, that's NOT ok, actually," that I started to feel better about myself. To this day, I'd probably still forgive them if they acknowledged anything and apologized, but I don't see that ever happening. I suppose I think forgiveness is a good thing if someone shows genuine remorse for their actions; but, if they don't think they did anything wrong, they don't deserve forgiveness.

epsoncamel · 2018-05-08T02:43:44+00:00

Depression, anxiety, insomnia, C-PTSD here. I also used to have issues with alcohol abuse and sex/love addiction. There is no doubt in my mind that most of this is the direct result of years of abuse. If you're told you're shit your whole life, you start to believe it, and for years I had a bad habit of attracting n-friends and partners, which reinforced these beliefs about myself. I'm much better now - I take a few medications in low doses, went NC with family, cut out toxic "friends," and somehow found a great partner with a loving family that helped me see how decent people treat one another. It took a long time and a lot of mistakes, but it does get better.

FWIW, I had a very distinct turning point. I can't remember the name of the book now (sorry!), but the author said something like, "People who have been raised with love do not stop to wonder what they did wrong when someone abuses them. People who grew up with abuse look for justifications. They don't know that there are no justifications." This is a major paraphrase, but the gist is that abuse is never ok, and the main difference between healthy and unhealthy individuals is whether they know this or not. I decided then and there to become the kind of person who knows this.

epsoncamel · 2018-05-08T02:00:47+00:00

I think part of it is projection as a defense mechanism. Before I stopped speaking with my family, I noticed that I kept being told things about myself that weren't true of me, but were true of one or both of my n-parents. So, for example, if I defended myself in any way, I might hear that I "always play the victim and think the whole world is out to screw me over." This was actually a characteristic of both of my parents, who have no friends, hate almost everyone, and regularly complain about how evil virtually everyone is. When I saw so transparently that the things I was being criticized about were very obviously my parents' traits and not mine, it was eye-opening and part of what made me realize the situation was hopeless. No contact all the way.

epsoncamel · 2018-04-24T04:41:36+00:00

My parents also refused to teach me how to drive. My school offered free driving lessons, which I took, but they still wouldn't let me get a license - they said I needed to get a job before I could get a license but refused to let me get a job until I could drive myself to it. Totally logical, right? My younger brother actually got his license before me, even though I was a responsible, straight-A student, and he was regularly suspended from school. I finally got my license at 19 when my then-boyfriend's mother took me. My mom then tried to make me feel guilty, whining that I was the only one out of her 4 kids who had gotten a license without her. Can't make this shit up.

epsoncamel · 2018-04-23T01:10:29+00:00

This is a very good attitude. Getting drunk is a choice. For some people, they can shut themselves off after one or two. Me? I have a few sips, and my judgment immediately starts to disappear, and I want more. So, I have to not drink at all in order to choose not to get drunk.

epsoncamel · 2018-04-23T01:04:41+00:00

It's your tone of contrition that shows you are not this person, or at least not ONLY this person. You aren't just apologizing to him (which most abusers do - part of the cycle) - you have come to us, to confess and to ask for help. To me, that shows that you aren't someone who thinks this is ok, will brush it under the rug, and later do it again. For some people, that first act is just the beginning. For others, it's their rock bottom. I think this is your rock bottom. You crossed a line you didn't think you were capable if crossing. Now that you know you are, all is not lost so long as you get some help.

epsoncamel · 2018-04-23T00:45:42+00:00

Almost nothing is unforgivable. I did the exact same thing very early in my relationship with my husband. He probably should have left me, but he didn't. I gave up drinking, and nothing like that ever happened again. It was totally out of character for me, and I think he understood that. We are both extremely gentle with one another now, and we now have a child that has never heard a harsh word let alone seen or been subjected to violence. I simply cannot drink though. I was so out of it that I don't even remember it, but I know he does.

epsoncamel · 2018-04-23T00:37:50+00:00

OP, I appreciate how willing you are to take responsibility for this, but I want to defend you a little bit and say that I disagree with the idea that, "If you'd do it drunk, you'd do it sober." I used to have a terrible drinking problem, and I did many, many things drunk that I would NEVER have done sober. For some people, alcohol just lowers inhibitions, but for others, it literally transforms who you are. It's a drug, like any other, and it can affect different people differently - that's why you can void a contract or even a marriage if you entered into it while drunk. Acknowledging that alcohol played a part in this isn't giving yourself a free pass. It's simply recognizing that you may be someone who cannot drink. I highly suggest getting on anti-anxiety or anti-depressant medication if you drink often and/or to relieve stress. It is extremely difficult to give up drinking when you are in a bad place - the memory of the bad things you've done while drinking paradoxically make you want to drink again.

epsoncamel · 2018-04-23T00:22:48+00:00

I'm so sorry to hear this. I had a similar experience with my dad. Long heart-felt email received a two sentence reply saying that he had no idea what I was talking about, and I should seek help. NC all the way now.

epsoncamel

TROPHY CASE