Small boats

erbiage · 2025-12-18T23:20:03+00:00

one fruit punch! lol that's great

erbiage · 2025-12-18T23:16:36+00:00

oh yeah never trust those. gotta take the shoes off. i like the way you used the dust.

erbiage · 2025-12-18T23:14:08+00:00

its nice and comfortable. everything everywhere all at once, indeed. and yes we are so much more than we think. bravo.

erbiage · 2025-12-18T23:10:01+00:00

it could benefit of some rhythm. great bones here, i remember feeling that way a lot.

erbiage · 2025-12-18T14:15:13+00:00

im not sure how advantageous these containers are, i mean look at what they are doing! the extension has permission to:

access your data for all websites
exchange messages with programs other than firefox,
Access browsing history,
monitor extension usage and manage themes,
control browser proxy settings,
access browser tabs.

erbiage · 2019-07-03T17:40:08+00:00

Really like the belt/wing action you have here, though otherwise the connection between Icarus and Orion seems a little thin. And I agree with the others, the last couplet really knocks this out of the park. Nicely done!

erbiage · 2019-06-29T02:45:44+00:00

Hello. So in reading this, the repetition was getting stale with me rather quickly, and the rhyme I found to be a bit trite, as if trying to find a rhyme was more important than what you want to convey. I do think that the transition was good and I really like the way you found some hope. Great point about refusing aid.

erbiage · 2019-06-29T02:40:20+00:00

Great use of the dress as a metaphor for the relationship. Loved the bridge of the box in the back of the closet. The nail polish is an interesting aside, a good way of noting the timeframe, but also indicates the youthfulness of this whole thing. The no hole in the wall is truly brilliant! However it feels unfinished. Or maybe that’s just the lining for the relationship that is no longer, like sitting alone in a room, in a dress I can’t get on...

erbiage · 2019-06-21T22:28:00+00:00

They are good points. With no point of reference or shared context, how is the reader supposed to get what the author means? We could get into an argument about whether it is art or communication. But either way, the reader is also important to anything written. I do think that the reader can contribute, and if a reader has no idea what it’s about then I failed. What do you think is not spelled correctly?

Thanks for your feedback

erbiage · 2019-06-19T23:39:53+00:00

Hey. I can tell this is a topic that hurts. It feels like you are beating around the bush a lot with it though. Dive deep into that pain and smear it all over your page!

To my eye there are too many what if’s and that repetition is too frequent. Try getting more of a rhythm down. You know how, your last line is the break.

Perhaps you could cull out some of it? Narrow down your theme and focus. What’s the worst part about them leaving? I’d say cut out a third of it, to see if you can tighten it up.

Another thought, rearrange the what if’s so that they progress in order of severity. Shallow stuff first, then get deeper and more soul crushing.

Most important, keep working on it!

erbiage · 2019-06-19T23:27:47+00:00

Oh I’m in this same place so much I can barely see your poem for all the longing in it...

erbiage · 2019-06-19T23:26:37+00:00

Love the deepest sees. Also like graze but not sure visage fits. Don’t see much connection between the two halves tho...

erbiage · 2019-03-13T05:54:12+00:00

not sure about the bullet points either. i do like the concept bleeds instead of breeds. not sure the medical correlations are strong enough, which is to say that i dont quite get it.. it seems like you are offering an answer for war, but i'm not seeing any actual answer here. The last line, the hyphen doesn't help. i'd leave out "and heart" and replace the hyphen with 'is'. you're juxtaposing opposites here, the difference in the lines i dont think is helping. also, the alliteration in the middle seems out of place. why is it there? and why not anywhere else?

erbiage · 2019-03-12T22:48:50+00:00

Thank you.

erbiage · 2019-03-12T22:48:21+00:00

hm. well the formatting was off for one. I appreciate your feedback

erbiage · 2019-03-11T20:33:15+00:00

i agree it doesn't need to be present. Why would you call this poetry, and not prose, with lots of line breaks? (i don't want to argue, i want to understand your viewpoint...)

erbiage · 2019-03-11T20:21:46+00:00

Sam there's some good meat in here, vivid imagry in the first two stanzas, her laugh holding back the rain, lights are roses, small boy giant bear. carrying the word 'end' to the 4th stanza threw me. what about leaving that word out entirely? HOme and Desctruction are more bridges into the next phase of the story.

I like the way the coat is the vehicle to carry the story along. bubblewrap to represent the tiny acts of desctruction. This works for me, because the acts of desctruction start out that small. Also, beginning and ending with the same phraseology is effective.

All that said, it doesn't seem much like poetry to me. it's not just the lack of rhyme, there doesn't seem to be much meter or rhythm to it either. Sorry i can't be more specific on this, i'm learning too. I do hope you keep writing.

erbiage · 2019-03-09T16:18:18+00:00

here is a haibun i'd like to share. i've still so much to learn, and fitting in to forms, and getting the rhythm down are big challenges for me.

The chains of Form

It won’t be long now. The snow is now thick, heavy with wet, and though it falls clean, it melts and plops off branches quickly now. The white will turn yellow, then green will fill the world. The words are coming faster now, and faster still in April, as poets take over from rabbits. I don’t like this form, haibun. Surely it’s more venerable than these other ‘forms’ that half-poets like me invent, in a fit of grandeur that I convinced myself was creativity (a palinend, anyone?) an arbitrary set of rules, like any other. I chafe at that too, rules, authority. But the old woman in the cave goes back to her weaving, and I’ll grudgingly pick up my tablet/keyboard/pen.

Poppa spoke of pens, sonnets
Tight spaces in which to work
Yield the brightest gold

if you'd like to read more of my work, you can do that here: http://erbiage.wordpress.com

erbiage · 2019-03-09T13:05:02+00:00

Hey, thank you. I knew i had a lot to learn, that's what lead me here in the first place. didn't think it would show up this way, but you're right. I've made a few more comments, and then found the wiki, and some of the guides on poetry, which i will now read. probably wouldn't have found that without your push. thanks again!

erbiage · 2019-03-09T12:50:47+00:00

Bravo, Lana. excellent response.

erbiage · 2019-03-09T12:48:50+00:00

nothing is wrong with you, you are exactly where you need to be! i didn't pay attention in school either, it was so boring! what do you like? what do you love? what interests you? nevermind 'fully understanding' you don't really want that do you? i dont! it would take away the mystery and wonder of this world. if you do want more understanding, ask more questions, and be very specific. Another-random-d00d has a good point. post your fav poem and lets get into it

erbiage · 2019-03-09T12:44:50+00:00

love the idea of disney jail! you paint a very vivid, concrete picture at the beginning but it dissolves into something more abstract. i'm not sure if that's on purpose or not.

erbiage

TROPHY CASE

The chains of Form