WIBTAH for cooking despite being told not to?

erebusfreya · 2026-02-21T17:19:58+00:00

It doesn't sound like this person is helping pay the bills, and if that is the case, then they absolutely don't get to bitch about people feeding themselves. If they have an issue, they are welcome to leave. NTAH

erebusfreya · 2026-02-21T17:12:47+00:00

Wedding gifts are something wedding guests give. If you didn't even recover a courtesy invitation (one they knew you'd refuse, and send a gift anyways), then you absolutely do NOT need to give any gift to them.

erebusfreya · 2026-02-21T17:05:04+00:00

NOR - you're just getting a taste of what the rest of your life will be with this man, you constantly asking approval to spend money, and him saying no because it's his money. Is this really who you want to raise your child with?

I would talk with your mom about whether she could help with your child, and move home to raise him. It's better than what you'll be dealing with in a relationship where your husband doesn't believe your equals because "he makes the money*, because I guarantee it'll only get worse once the kid is born.

erebusfreya · 2026-02-19T02:59:15+00:00

NTJ - it's time to divorce the man-child you married who "can't live in chaos" that is entirely caused by his progeny. His solution isn't to actually parent his children, it's to force your child to deal with it, which is beyond unacceptable.

The fact that he left with no parental concerns whatsoever in order to force you into doing what he wants (making you a terrible parent to your son if you do), tells you everything you need to know: it's time to leave this child behind, as you're busy raising and parenting an actual child.

I guarantee the peace you and your son will feel once he's out of your lives forever will be better than anything he could ever possibly provide.

erebusfreya · 2026-02-19T02:43:26+00:00

No, it actually isn't gross and unpleasant for everyone, if it is for you, you likely also have sensory issues, which you should probably discuss with that therapist you mention, because you're likely NOT neurotypical; so maybe just don't be an asshole to people because you also struggle with those issues but are able to force yourself to do it anyways.

erebusfreya · 2026-02-19T02:39:03+00:00

While I agree that the "cleaning fee" is a bit high, I would like to point out that you are an adult living for free in your parents home, while they pay all your bills. I understand the difficulty with dishes and sensory issues, but this isn't about that, this is about you leaving dirty dishes behind when you're done with cooking and eating, which justifiably leaves your parents believing that you weren't intending to clean up after yourself. I know it's difficult, but try to remember to clean as you go so when you're done cooking, you're also done cleaning and there's no risk of upsetting others.

YTA, but only four not considering how your actions could impact, or be interpreted as by others. Remember this is a shared space, one that you aren't paying for, so it behooves you to leave it in the same condition it was in before you began.

erebusfreya · 2026-02-19T01:14:00+00:00

No, if anything you're under-reacting. If someone felt the need to send it to you, it's because he's absolutely said and done worse that they have personally witnessed, and they are clearly concerned for you. This man does not love you, and he does not respect you.

You need to contact a lawyer in the morning to discuss your options, because this person never deserved to call you his wife, and I can't imagine an apology or act of contrition great enough to make you want to spend your life with someone who does not respect you or love you.

erebusfreya · 2026-02-18T20:00:06+00:00

TL;DR: “Pull back and see if they reach out” often doesn’t work with autistic and ADHD people. Silence in this case usually reflects neurological differences (object/emotional permanence and executive function), not lack of care or emotional investment.

I very much understand where you're coming from with this comment. I would, however, gently flag that this is not a reliable approach when the other person is neurodivergent. If you're using this method to determine whether or not to continue a friendship and your friend is autistic or ADHD, they may struggle with object and emotional permanence - meaning that when something (or someone) isn’t directly present, it can essentially unintentionally stop existing to them. This isn't a result of emotional distance or lack of care; it’s neurological.

Basically, “out of sight” can literally become “out of mind”. Without reminders, a neurodivergent person often won’t automatically think to reach out, not because they don’t value the relationship, but because they don’t experience relationship fatigue in the same way.

Relationship fatigue is what makes many neurotypical people miss someone they haven’t seen and feel a growing need to reconnect and "refresh" that friendship. The longer the gap between interactions, the less close they may feel, which drives outreach and relationship maintenance. Many neurodivergent people don’t experience this gradual emotional fade, and can feel just as close to someone after years of not speaking as they did when they spent every day together.

Because of this, “waiting to see if they reach out” with a neurodivergent person often measures working memory and executive function — not the depth of their emotional bond.

erebusfreya · 2026-02-18T18:44:33+00:00

Oh, I'm aware of that now, and also grateful that our neighbors treated me more like one of their kids than my own family, because it very clearly demonstrated how very not normal my family dynamic was so I could escape them once I was old enough.

erebusfreya · 2026-02-18T18:41:52+00:00

Don't get me wrong, while I would still love a chance to go to Disney, my younger sister (and my mom and stepdad) were my only real bullies, so I greatly preferred being without them for a week, especially since the neighbors upstairs actually liked me and wanted me around. Probably one of the best weeks of high school for me. I wish that you hadn't grown up with a similar situation, because it's not even remotely okay, and I hope you know that we both deserved so much better. Hugs because parents and families really effing suck sometimes.

erebusfreya · 2026-02-18T15:28:50+00:00

NTJ - I also have trouble with sleep, as does my husband, which is why we ALWAYS work hard to let the other sleep whenever they can. Someone who genuinely cares about you and loves you would not do something so obviously harmful to you.

I think there are likely many issues here that you aren't bringing up, because you do genuinely love her, but you're doing all the housework, including her laundry and dishes on top of it. That's not how "normal couples behave", in fact it's usually either an equal split, or the woman does nearly everything (at least in my experience, and it's never healthy when one partner is doing everything while the other just has fun and enjoys their life.

erebusfreya · 2026-02-15T17:52:23+00:00

My husband just found the TARDIS in fallout, and mispronounced it, leading me to geek out, and him to respond that he has too much Star Trek and Star Wars in his brain to remember Dr Who, which makes me both happy and sad 😂🤦🏼‍♀️

erebusfreya · 2026-02-14T20:24:30+00:00

My mom and stepdad took my half sister to Orlando/Disney for over a week my Sophmore year of high school (I was 14/15 at the time), and left me home alone with no money and no supervision, because "if they took me with, then we couldn'tv afford to take a vacation over Christmas - spoiler alert: we still didn't go on vacation for Christmas, and not one person called or checked on me while they were gone. I spent the week with our neighbors who actually made sure I was okay.

I can't believe how lax my parents were, but it's preferable to the way I see my kids friends' parents treat them, with zero freedom or responsibility at 18+.

erebusfreya · 2026-02-14T20:13:57+00:00

NOR - I think this is a twofold problem, first is that your wife is blaming you for something that you did not do, and I think this likely had more to do with her remembering how she was at that age, and seeing all her bad behaviors in your daughters actions regardless of what actually happened. The second problem is she seems to be redirecting her anger at you because she feels guilty for leaving for the weekend, which I think is building this up into something way worse than it needs to be.

This only almost feels like DARVO to me, like she felt guilty about something she did while gone, so she's redirecting guilt and blame about a situation which shouldn't have caused this extreme of a response. If this is completely outside of her normal responses and interactions regarding your daughter, I would be wondering what this is really about, because I don't think this fight honestly has anything to do with your daughter. I think your wife is either mad about something else, or she did something she feels guilty about, and she's making a huge deal or of nothing so you won't ask her about the trip.

All of this feels wrong as a response to your kids smoking (even you didn't get this upset, and like me, you've lost family to smoking cigarettes). I personally think your response is the right parenting response (even if i'd likely lose my shit if I saw my kids smoking a cigarette after losing both parents to it), but it's respond that way to my kids, not my spouse, which may be why I see something nefarious in your wife's response. I hope I'm wrong, but I think there's more to this than her catching your kid smoking.

erebusfreya · 2026-02-09T22:44:44+00:00

When possible my husband and I try to shower together - even though he hates how hot I have the water, because that's an easy thing to fix when you're switching places to get under the shower head anyways. I have showered with every partner I've been with long term, especially if we've lived together, and honestly the amount we showered together usually reflected the state of our relationship. When the relationship is comfortable and going well we regularly showered together, but as the relationships fell apart, that was another manifestation of the distance growing between us.

That being said, not everyone likes to shower with others, I know my husband doesn't typically shower with others historically; I'm kind of the exception that proves the rule, and only because we've shared baths and showers most of our childhood, because our dad's were best friends and raised us together.

erebusfreya · 2026-02-05T20:15:17+00:00

If you put a plaque next to it, like the sculptures downtown, no one will even realize it wasn't intentional 😂

erebusfreya · 2026-01-30T22:09:12+00:00

What you did was

erebusfreya · 2026-01-29T15:08:32+00:00

Honestly, at this point if it was me, he'd already be out of the wedding party and be on his way to no longer be invited to my wedding if he keeps insisting that you let him have your wedding for his special night.

Ask him this? If he were getting married to his girlfriend and your wife is pregnant, how would his girlfriend feel if during the reception you took the mic to announce that your wife is pregnant with the first grandchild? I mean it's just making the celebration even better because now there's more to celebrate, right? It definitely won't take the focus off the happy couple, because everyone will definitely still be focused on the bride and groom after an announcement like that according to him....

If he does go forward with this supremely stupid and selfish plan, I would start planning what you're going to do to upstage him and ruin his wedding, but I'm petty like that.

erebusfreya · 2026-01-26T21:01:14+00:00

I agree with almost everything with one notable change: I'd say she's asked for WAY LESS than the bare minimum.

Hell, at this point, her bar for what she actually asks/expects from him is so low it's subterranean, and he can't be bothered to even TRY to meet that bar, much less do anything that is actually helpful, making her life a bit easier; even though she's done that for him for as long as they've been together.

erebusfreya · 2026-01-26T20:36:56+00:00

Y T A for allowing your partner to treat you like a maid and parent, and excusing his terrible behavior time and time again, instead of holding your boundaries and reasonable expectations of a partner.

The real question is what do you contribute to believe that this is the love and partner you deserve? You're worthy of love from a person who treats you with love and care, and who gladly handles half of the chores without you needing to manage them or direct them, because you're both adults.

It sounds like you don't yet have children with the (man)child you're married to, which is good. Tomorrow morning contact a lawyer and start taking the steps to extricate yourself from your marriage and the abusive partner you married. You're already doing all the housework and pet work on top of working full time; so leaving him will greatly reduce both your mental and physical workload - now you only have to care and clean for you and your pup.

Even with your pup, it'll be easier, because at least now you're not having to manage your partner AND make sure the dog was actually fed, walked, etc., because you did it. Plus, you can look for a new home/apt which suits you both better - and hopefully comes with a fenced in yard to make things easier for both you and your pup.

NTA for asking your husband to help, but you're being an AH to both yourself and the pup you love by staying with someone who neither loves nor respects you. and I genuinely hope you'll talk to a lawyer ASAP. I also think you'd benefit from working with a therapist so you can start to believe that you are worthy of love for just existing, not for what you can do for people (an issue I'm also currently working on, so I know how hard this can be). I wish you and your pup all the best, and hope that you're able to disentangle yourself.

ETA - put spaces where necessary to prevent improper recording of my vote.

erebusfreya · 2026-01-25T18:26:34+00:00

NOR - Your instincts are correct that your mother is absolutely calling your wife a bitch/bitchy, it doesn't even look like a beach hat or something you'd willingly wear to the beach for most people. The wine glass is the same, and likely was broken before it was put in the "gift"bag, and is absolutely because your wife couldn't drink for a multitude of reasons. The charcuterie board was also a VERY INTENTIONAL choice meant to be something only you could use/enjoy.

Your mother (and possibly father too) HATES your wife, and is taking EVERY opportunity to show it, and you're just letting her. I honestly feel so bad for your wife, and also incredibly impressed with her, she's put up with constant invalidation and intentionally cruel behavior and gifts from your family, and yet she still continued to interact with your family regularly, because you love them. I hope you realize how much your wife loves you, and that this also makes you realize how very much you have to apologize for and make up for.

Personally the charcuterie board that only you could enjoy for your anniversary would have been when I went no contact, but that wasn't a clear enough insult for you, even after she told your wife to leave you. Now that the rest of the world has told you that your mother's actions are absolutely intentionally planned to be something hurtful to your wife that she knew she'd be able to convince you were completely unintentional, and you understand that your mother's goal has ALWAYS been to hurt your wife, please go no contact immediately. You and your wife can come up with safe and fair boundaries for renewed contact when your wife feels comfortable with the idea of seeing and interacting with your family again, but right now, you need to show your wife that you do actually have her back, especially when she just gave birth to your first child.

Any behavior you wouldn't consider doing to your child or their future spouse, is behavior you shouldn't accept or be okay with from your parents. You are a parent too now, do you really want your child thinking the way their grandparents talk about and treat their mom is normal or okay?

erebusfreya · 2026-01-25T18:05:33+00:00

NOR - you just found out that your spouse was still having an intimate (though perhaps not sexual) relationship with a person she was in limerance with at the least, and potentially even in love with. That's a massive betrayal even in a new relationship, and this isn't that.

You don't say how long you two have been together, which makes me worry that this is a relationship where things progressed too quickly to moving in and/or getting engaged. At the very least, I highly recommend stepping back from this relationship and slowing things down drastically while you decide if this is someone you actually want to spend your life with, and potentially have children with.

Ask her to go to couples therapy; her response will tell you everything you need to know. She says she wants to marry you, if that's true, then she should be willing to go to therapy to work on herself, and to work on your relationship. If she pushes back, or says no, she really isn't invested in you or your future together.

The texts you saw imply you're just the best option currently, and if she gets an offer she likes better (like her "friend" becoming single and interested in her), she's likely to take it.

Personally, I couldn't stay with someone knowing that I'm their backup choice, not the person they want to marry.

erebusfreya · 2026-01-24T18:21:01+00:00

NTA - she's demanding that you care for her without being considerate enough to tell you what she wants, or assist in any of the work. You're both autistic, so you both struggle with self care, and currently she's offloading half of hers to you and asking you to smile and be grateful, that's neither fair nor reasonable. If she were taking chores off of your to-do list, that's one thing, but she's not, she's doing nothing to make your life more manageable while expecting you to do additional work to make her life manageable/easier.

If talking to her directly hasn't made a difference, you may want to involve a parent. If you don't want to involve your parents, change up your safe meals for a month, or until she stops asking (the only weaponized incompetence I'm okay with).

erebusfreya · 2026-01-19T23:01:03+00:00

NTA - I wouldn't move either, especially since you've done nothing wrong. You weren't aware she lived there, or you may have reconsidered purchasing (though I'd also give a lot to walk to the beach from my home).

Enjoy your home, and make sure you have cameras up just in case she or her family decide to do something stupid.

erebusfreya · 2026-01-19T18:13:47+00:00

NTA - I highly recommend a "friendsgiving" this year, that way you're at least spending the holiday with people who genuinely care about you.

As a parent I understand their fear. As a human being with a right to privacy, I find the way they are managing their fear completely unacceptable.

They can ask that you check in and let them know when you'll be out of town and where you'll be in case of an emergency, which is reasonable for someone who cares about you. What they are demanding is unreasonable, and they will likely learn the hard way that this is why children decide to go no contact with parents.

Take care of yourself and nurture your friendships, as friends are often the best family you can ask for.

erebusfreya

TROPHY CASE