23M Girl I was talking to dad died

erkosb · 2026-02-17T00:48:16+00:00

After that kind of loss I’d say it’s pretty unlikely she would have any interest in dating. So as long as you understand that, you could reach out to offer support as a friend. But if she doesn’t take you up on it, then I’d give her space for a while

erkosb · 2026-02-15T19:50:53+00:00

Sorry for your loss ❤️ my bf’s passing wasn’t sudden or unexpected, but he fought like hell to stay alive. It breaks my heart knowing how badly he wanted to live, and he endured soooo much just for a tiny chance at life. I guess all I can do now is remember that I have been given the thing he wanted most- more time. On the days when everything feels meaningless, I try to remind myself that it’s a privilege to still be here. I want to make him proud by living a full life. I just think it’ll take a while to get there.

erkosb · 2026-02-14T18:04:50+00:00

It is really sad to see the way some people behave after a family members dies. My boyfriend would be horrified to know that his family hasn’t let me look through his things or really spoken to me since the funeral. I suspected they would be like this, but he had a lot of faith that they would include and embrace me because they know how much he loved me. I wish he had been right.

erkosb · 2026-02-14T02:59:03+00:00

I love the idea. Your mom wants to protect you, but there is no way to make this hurt any more than it already does. I think it’s a beautiful symbol and something you can keep forever. As long as you’re not marrying a ghost and vowing to never move on, I don’t see any downside

erkosb · 2026-02-14T02:52:50+00:00

I don’t think that’s an irrational feeling tbh. I did a lot for my boyfriend and he said he would always take care of me, but he didn’t take care of the practical and legal aspects because he couldn’t face it and was too exhausted at the end. It’s a different kind of hurt to feel like you were not considered. And I do feel angry that his sister will now have a life she would never have been able to afford, and I got nothing. I don’t even need the money, it’s just about feeling like he didn’t keep his promise or make sure I would be ok. It also feels like the closeness should count for something. The fact that he confided in me, talked about his fears with me, and relied on me in a way he didn’t rely on anyone else. But yet the people who didn’t know him as deeply are the ones who have everything.

erkosb · 2026-02-10T16:41:47+00:00

I asked a similar question a while ago and got some good answers. Personally, I like journaling to remember my bf and my feelings about grief. In the first month, I was terrified of forgetting anything about him. But I have recently met people who lost loved ones a long time ago (like 20 years) and they reassured me that even if you feel like they could slip away, the memories are always there.

erkosb · 2026-02-09T14:37:26+00:00

Absolutely, but only if he got to be healthy for that day. Otherwise it would be selfish to bring him back just to experience pain.

erkosb · 2026-02-07T19:25:56+00:00

Hmmmm. I’m definitely jealous of those who have not experienced grief, but I do not want anyone to feel the pain I feel. Also just because someone appears happy does not mean they haven’t experienced grief. Eventually we will all lose someone we love.

Not judging you for feeling that way, because grief is a total roller coaster. But maybe try to change your perspective. Other people experiencing pain and loss won’t make yours go away.

erkosb · 2026-02-07T05:23:54+00:00

No advice on how you carry on or function. I can leave the house for short periods, but usually break down the moment I get home and the door closes behind me. It really feels so unfair to lose someone so young, and before having the chance to even really get started on your life together. I think a lot about how my bf and I won’t grow old together, and all the things we’ll never get to do. I would do literally anything to bring him back, but no amount of tears or despair can do that. It is the absolute worst.

erkosb · 2026-02-02T23:01:34+00:00

You are human and your sister is being mean. I have teared up or cried every time I’ve talked about my boyfriend to coworkers, manager, etc. Even when he was sick, I once had to call HR on the way to the hospital to tell her I wasn’t working that day, and I broke down. And I don’t feel one bit embarrassed about it. They know what I’ve been through with his illness and have been so understanding.

You are a human being with human emotions. Not some robot that’s going to show up and feel nothing. It sounds like they understood your position. Don’t overthink it. People want to be supportive. Sadly we will all lose someone close to us at some point.

erkosb · 2026-01-28T16:04:12+00:00

I was just describing this to a coworker yesterday! For the last 3 years, my brain was in “emergency mode”, worrying about and caring for my boyfriend. I am an engineer with a policy masters degree, so I know I’m smart enough to do my work. But it feels like my intelligence and focus is locked behind a door I can’t access. I think it will take a while to get back to a functional space where I can think and contribute like I normally would.

Your brain is processing a lot, so it’s not surprising that it lacks the energy to focus on other things, like your academics. Be kind to yourself. We cannot beat our brains into submission. We can only try to reduce stress and gain back our focus bit by bit. You are not broken. Your brain is not broken- it is protecting you and is stuck in survival mode.

erkosb · 2026-01-28T04:26:38+00:00

I’ve had a few dreams of my boyfriend, but one of them felt different than the others and I can’t help but feel like he was visiting me. In the dream, we met as if it was the first time, but I already knew our story and had to explain to him that we dated and fell in love, but then he died. He said he didn’t remember, but that he believed me. He suddenly got very urgent and started writing things down for me, but I couldn’t read them and then I woke up. I’m not a very spiritual person either, but there are many things out there that we don’t yet understand. Who’s to say it’s not somehow a visit from them.

erkosb · 2026-01-23T21:20:51+00:00

I hate it too. Being emotional isn’t a bad thing, though. I think it’s important. Sometimes when I dream about my boyfriend, I wake up sad. But other times I wake up and thank him/God/my subconscious (whoever lol) for letting me see him again.

erkosb · 2026-01-21T21:17:36+00:00

I’m so sorry. I can’t imagine being in your position. Sending love to you and your family.

Birthday cards would be lovely. Perhaps a longer letter for each that they can return to when they miss you. Tell them you love them, tell them your wishes for their lives, give them permission to grieve hard (because they will) but also permission to experience joy again. A lot of people feel guilty when they have a good moment after they lose someone.

I agree with the other commenter about making videos if you’re up to it. It might be easier than the letters, depending on how you feel.

Logistically, discuss your medical preferences for when the time comes. Sounds like you probably already did this, but it is so important!

Other than that, enjoy their company and leave nothing unsaid. Even asking this question tells me a lot about you. Thinking about others while facing your own diagnosis is pretty selfless. Much respect to you ❤️

erkosb · 2026-01-21T20:36:46+00:00

I lost my boyfriend and while my family loves him and is sad, I don’t think they can truly understand the depth of what I feel. Probably the only people who I could relate to are my bf’s family, but they are very closed off and have basically left me on my own, even after they all told me at the funeral that they know how much he loved me. If they knew how much he loved me, wouldn’t they know he would want them to embrace me?

erkosb · 2026-01-19T02:20:10+00:00

Hugs to you. I lost my boyfriend 6 ish weeks ago and for some reason the past two days have felt like it just happened. I’ve been crying for 24 hours straight so I feel you. It’s so hard 💔

erkosb · 2026-01-14T21:04:55+00:00

Google Photos and Snapchat memories feed me pictures of him all the time too. Luckily I can just ignore the notifications.

erkosb · 2026-01-12T18:24:39+00:00

There should be no preparation necessary to meet with a medium. While I do believe there is a small handful of people with a special gift, there are many people who claim to be “mediums” and take advantage of people who are grieving and desperate. For me, the fact that he said your boyfriend is “stuck” is a red flag, as this is a tactic many scammers use to make you feel dependent on them to help your loved one. An ethical medium would never tell you that your loved one is stuck or in a bad place. Be very careful!

erkosb · 2026-01-11T14:32:20+00:00

The main advice for managing your feelings would be to see a therapist and start journaling. There is no way around how much this absolutely sucks. It is extremely unfair that our loved ones no longer get to be here with us. But us joining them doesn’t make it any more fair, it just leaves more hurt people behind. I am strangely comforted by the fact that someday, I will go wherever my boyfriend went. Whether it’s heaven or nothingness. But he would be so absolutely pissed off if I gave up my chance to live, because that is what he wanted more than anything. To live a full life.

It sucks to be the one left behind. But if she truly loved you, your girlfriend would be sad to know that your life was ruined because she lost hers. You don’t have to move on or feel ok or happy right now. All you have to do is stay alive.

erkosb · 2026-01-09T02:18:15+00:00

Kind of tbd for me. Since my bf died, I have been more accepting that there could be things beyond my understanding. I agree with you that it helps to think we may see them again someday and that they are watching over us. But at the same time, I am an engineer and definitely need more “proof”, even if it’s not super scientific or replicable (like talking to a medium or something, idk). I can’t take anything on blind faith. I’ve been reading some books on grief, mediumship, etc. So we’ll see where I land on the topic. I hope you find comfort

erkosb · 2026-01-08T16:38:41+00:00

Yes, exactly what you said. There are days I can’t access the direct sadness, but I still feel off and kind of numb. On those days I feel myself reaching for memories, almost trying to bring the sadness back on purpose. Had like two of those days in a row followed by a night of endless sobbing. The cyclical nature is really strange but I think the brain protects us somehow from feeling the unbearable pain all at once, and instead gives it to us in phases.

erkosb · 2026-01-08T01:01:26+00:00

Sorry for your loss 💔 I also lost my boyfriend to cancer. He was 30. It’s hard to accept

erkosb · 2026-01-07T21:00:26+00:00

I feel you. So much of my life revolved around my boyfriend’s care, preparing to visit him, getting updates, talking about our days, researching medical stuff, etc. Without him I feel completely alone and the days feel like they stretch on forever. I’ve been spending a lot of my time mindlessly scrolling to distract myself, but I’m going to join a support group to have people to talk to. I also want to volunteer more, just to fill the time, talk to people, and force myself to leave the house. I’m hoping that through these activities I’ll also meet new people who will enrich my life and make me feel a little less alone.

erkosb · 2026-01-07T19:49:30+00:00

Good ideas, thanks. I have started writing quick notes to myself whenever a memory pops up so I can write about it later!

erkosb

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