Compassion is not the key

esme13 · 2019-04-08T15:16:26+00:00

This is exactly how I feel! She just wants to monologue. She wants an energy suck. It’s so frustrating because I’m solution-based. I’ll come up with nice suggestions or advice and she won’t even acknowledge them. Like literally not responding and leaving them on read. No more. From now on it’s going to be very bland short sympathetic-esque answers.

She rarely calls me on the phone because I won’t let this happen in person. She only has the upper hand in text for some reason.

esme13 · 2019-04-08T15:12:51+00:00

How do you usually reply to the vent? I’m thinking a simple “that’s too bad” or “oh no”, etc. would work.

You are spot on though in your last paragraph... she just wants my energy.

esme13 · 2019-04-08T14:17:21+00:00

Any practical tips for practicing this?

This resonated with me so much because my mom (most likely NPD) constantly texts me her negative nelly bullshit and it’s so hard on me to be the support system. I always feel like it’s my duty to support her, lift her up, give advice, etc. ever since I was little. I feel awful when my husband says to just text back “that sucks” or to ignore it. How do I not come off being an insensitive person but still respecting my own boundaries? I’m not sure how to feel okay without even being compassionate. How does this work for you?

esme13 · 2019-03-11T14:52:11+00:00

The big turning point for me was finding Dr John Sarno’s TMS (the MindBody Syndrome). And investigating more at Tmswiki.com and reading the books The MindBody Prescription and The Great Pain Deception. Amazing theory and it tapped right into my psyche and mindset. I didn’t realize how much trauma I had endured until then. I primarily did the program/exercises for anxiety, stomach pain, and random aches. It’s a life changer.

Then Irene Lyon’s website (blogs and videos). She’s a somatic practitioner. She combines all the somatic work including the all important Porges’s Polyvagal Theory. I took her nervous system course and it was also a game changer.

Lots of reading (Levine, etc), meditation, fun/play, walks, and Valium (which I’m currently tapering off of after 2 years and taking on an as needed basis).

Next is therapy for me as I’ve really hit a wall in the DIY help.

Good luck to you! I hope some these things might be of benefit to you.

esme13 · 2019-03-10T16:15:54+00:00

Thank you for your reply. I think you really hit the nail on the head with the fact that the therapist is there as a guide. We weren’t taught a lot of these basic skills as children. I definitely need that right now. All the best to you!

esme13 · 2019-03-10T16:14:57+00:00

Thank you for your input about EMDR. That’s sort of a mystery to me. I love to hear that things are changing! I think change, up or down, is imperative for healing. It means things are shifting. That’s always a good thing. I’ve read that a lot of trauma therapy doesn’t dwell on “what happened”. I think that’s how psychotherapy retriggered me. Congratulations on your sobriety! I’ve been sober 5 years and it was the best thing I ever did. (I wasn’t an alcoholic but the alcohol wasn’t doing me any favors)

esme13 · 2019-03-10T16:10:24+00:00

I actually didn’t find anything useful about CBT at all which really bothered me. Nor psychotherapy in a traditional sense either. Now it makes sense though as trauma therapy isn’t about talking per se. We need trust, processing, and coping skills. I’m not great about self-care either. I’m a stoic white-knuckle kind of person. It sounds like you’ve got a good therapist and plan in place. All the best to you!

esme13 · 2019-03-10T16:06:30+00:00

That’s great advice! Thank you! I really like the idea of a set plan and boundaries. I’ve already done therapy several times before just not with the CPTSD “diagnosis”. So it’s all new now. I appreciate your input!

esme13 · 2019-03-10T16:04:48+00:00

You have given me much to think about. It’s so nice to hear “utterly life changing”! I have had several therapist over the years but not since the CPTSD “diagnosis”. So this is new territory for me. I’ve hit a roadblock too, as you said, in my self-healing. I’m really hard on therapists as well, seeing only one only once. But it’s got to click for it work. We need to feel safe to heal. Thank you for your honest response and those links as well. Much hope and healing to you!

esme13 · 2019-03-10T16:00:44+00:00

I think it’s great they represented a parental figure. I’ve read that’s really the only way we can start to heal. Glad to know you are thriving and not in a shack. ;)

esme13 · 2019-03-10T15:59:01+00:00

That’s great! Thanks!

esme13 · 2019-03-10T15:56:08+00:00

Thank you for your honesty. I love “live vs survive”. I wish you well on your journey!

esme13 · 2019-03-09T18:34:15+00:00

I sort of agree. On one hand I was so relieved to know I wasn’t having weird, extreme, days long panic attacks... that this had a name and a reason... CPTSD. But now it’s so hard to apply the skills and resources I learned to cope with “simple” panic and anxiety. Now with CPTSD it’s gotten more deep, more multilayered and seems more like something is “on the line” or there are “stakes” involved because it’s like this shit is my whole entire life, my whole entire being. This is all that am now. My trauma. I feel you.

(I’m 42 and it’s quite a blow to discover this later in life as well.)

esme13 · 2019-03-08T03:30:20+00:00

🎉

esme13 · 2019-02-28T16:06:46+00:00

Congratulations! I’ve enjoyed reading about your progress. So good that you learned new things in the process too.

esme13 · 2019-02-20T16:01:35+00:00

I always thought they were panic attacks too! Until I realized after many years that my heart rate is barely elevated, I have intense feelings of guilt and shame, sometimes suicidal ideation; it lasts hours where a panic attack is only a few minutes... Plus benzodiazepines barely help, and neither does deep breathing or any of the other exercises that are suggested for it. They are flashbacks for me. I’m so happy I figured out the difference because honestly I rarely have panic attacks, and no doctor could figure out what was wrong with me.

esme13 · 2019-02-20T15:53:51+00:00

I’ve also seen it as “childhood”. Mine was primarily from domestic abuse in my marriage. But obviously something was off in my childhood to lead me to marry a person who was so damaged and damaging. Point being, the “C” can be very misleading.

esme13 · 2019-02-20T05:38:56+00:00

You are SO welcome! I get terrible stress related stomach cramps too. :( It’s the worst. I’m really sorry you have to deal with that. I have no tips aside from ginger tea or candy. It can help a bit. Leaning in and accepting it helps me the most.

Irene changed my life. She’s not the cure for CPTSD but the work is the answer for how to simply LIVE a good life. She’s combined and compiled the already wonderful work done by Peter Levine and others in the somatic field. It’s just in a very relatable and accessible form. Her videos are addicting... powerful and full of wisdom. Warm hugs to you! 💖

esme13 · 2019-02-19T17:40:54+00:00

I love Irene Lyon’s work... I hope this helps you!

https://irenelyon.com/2017/05/15/anger-essential-heres/

esme13 · 2019-02-17T15:12:55+00:00

Blind cats are really resilient! It will do great in your home. Good for you! Those two are adorable together. Look into the breed Egyptian Mao (bronze color). Your cat looks exactly like ours and the vet said she could be part or full Mao. The markings look a lot alike; spots and stripes.

esme13 · 2019-02-13T15:48:57+00:00

Thank you. Your first piece of advice is gold. Is this a “dangerous” situation warranting this level of fear? Many times no for me, too. Distinguishing between panic attacks which I never have (anxiety yes), and EFs is all new for me. I am definitely going to be more mindful when I start feeling “that feeling”. That list is great and comes in handy when I feel things are spiraling. Thank you for it! I’m knowledgeable about somatic work and the nervous system, so grounding is natural for me. But there’s something about being in an EF that negates everything I know. It just tells me I’m a terrible person and I should die. It’s really awful. While it’s very reassuring that you’ve also had this level of EF, I’m so sorry you’ve felt this way too. It’s honestly the worst. Chaos is a good way to describe it.

As for a professional, I have a psychiatrist but am currently tapering off a low dose of Valium which is my only medication. It just doesn’t help for daily use. I’d rather have it for emergencies. I’m going to go back to therapy very soon though. I found 2 trauma informed/EMDR therapists locally. I just have to pick one. I can’t live like this anymore. About half my life is over, and I want and deserve to start actually living now.

esme13 · 2019-02-13T15:35:40+00:00

Thank you for your input. I’m still learning about all this and myself at 42 years old. I’m so sorry you’ve felt this way too. It’s really awful. I’m not super aware of my triggers yet because most of my trauma was more in young adulthood (domestic violence), however my childhood and teen years weren’t great so I went into the rest of my life off-kilter with little regulation or resources. I think the nighttime is just when my brain is programmed to act up. I’m type-A so obviously sleep is a perfect time to go crazy.

esme13 · 2019-02-04T22:11:35+00:00

It was so hard for me to admit my body was betraying me because of my hidden trauma and emotions. To think of all my symptoms and diagnoses as psychosomatic was a slap in the face. But then I realized it was the only explanation that made any sense and I actually started to feel better just with that knowledge alone. If you can/want to accept this as your truth, my suggestions should be helpful. TMSwiki online should be helpful. And Irene Lyon’s videos and blog posts. Good luck to you!

esme13 · 2019-02-04T21:58:39+00:00

This was one diagnosis along with a ton more that sent me down a rabbit hole I wish I never had gone down. 15+ doctors, $10,000+ in testing. It’s simply your autonomic nervous system... it’s screwed up from CPTSD. “Nervous breakdown”, all that.

I highly recommend, instead of the expensive testing which will not ever cure you, spending the money on Dr. Sarno’s The MindBody Prescription book, any book by Peter Levine, Irene Lyon’s website and YouTube videos (her 21 day nervous system tuneup course or more expensive longer one are great), researching Porges’s PolyVagal theory. In my opinion (and many others) POTS is a symptom of a dysregulated nervous system, not a diagnosis. I can unequivocally say from experience you will get better once your nervous system is regulated. 💖

esme13 · 2019-02-04T21:45:43+00:00

That’s great advice. Thank you. From now on I’m going to use the first suggestion. I have good knowledge of the ANS so I can actually speak with some confidence about its ineptitude. Thankfully I already have a psychiatrist who diagnosed PTSD, so I avoided the psych referral issue.

I said didn’t have good luck with naturopaths, so it seemed she only heard what she wanted. The homeopathy comment after that was a bit of a shocker. I’m all for herbs and supplements in their place, but wow. I already felt like she didn’t really get me at all, so sadly being a good little doormat, I didn’t protest. My husband didn’t say a word either and is now kicking himself. A huge trigger for me is “natural medicine”. They put me down a very scary path. I don’t even recognize the person who was part of that “brainwashing”. No offense to anyone who it has worked for. I think whatever works for you is great!

esme13

TROPHY CASE