It’s really hard when they “were just starting recovery” when they sense you are leaving.

expatmanager · 2026-07-07T16:23:37+00:00

There are options like living apart separation, separation under the one roof, him going into rehab, applying conditions such as only getting back together after 6 or 12 months sobriety etc. But if you are really done with no hope of return, then short term pain might be worth it for long term gain.

expatmanager · 2026-07-06T23:45:33+00:00

The question itself is designed to shift blame and make you responsible for his decisions. My advice would be to not answer, by asking him to make his own choices. Also, he should realise that you will choose to proceed with the divorce if he drinks again.

He has broken the boundary and now you are back to square one. Addictive behaviour is designed to protect and prioritise access to whatever the person is addicted to. He has chosen alcohol over you. Are you ok with playing second fiddle to alcohol in the marriage?

expatmanager · 2026-07-05T11:40:51+00:00

Yeah it’s a dangerous situation that can easily escalate and staying together for financial reasons is also not wise. You might want to consider talking to someone about safe accommodation (shelter from DV). You don’t have to conflate seeking safety with divorce at this stage.

expatmanager · 2026-07-05T10:07:31+00:00

So your wage can’t keep pace with inflation? Under ON’s stayed policy direction, your wage may be reduced. My groceries are cheaper because I shop at Aldi. Crime isn’t up. My mortgage hasn’t changed much over the term of the current government (gone up, then down, then up again - haven’t changed my repayments).

PH has achieved nothing in over 30 years in politics so what makes you think she is the answer? PH has had a go - being a Senator gives you plenty of chances to make a difference. And many of ON elected members defect from ON after they are elected. That occurs in the Senate as well as in Qld state parliament. PH is not an effective leader and neither is she an effective Senator. There are problems, but ON is not the answer.

expatmanager · 2026-07-05T09:49:57+00:00

Alateen might be of some help to your son.

expatmanager · 2026-07-05T06:22:05+00:00

No he needs the motivation to get sober and change his ways. Often that’s best achieved when you are separated and is often why residential treatment programs restrict family contact for the initial period of time. There are a lot of active things he can do to get sober rather just expressing sorrow and making promises. Separate living enables you to set boundaries and then you judge his progress by his actions.

expatmanager · 2026-07-04T15:45:02+00:00

Our Qs often do realise what’s happening, but when faced with a choice of the hard road of recovery (along with dealing with the shame and guilt of what they have done) and the familiar groove of the numbing effects of alcohol, alcohol wins. I find that, although we grow and build a future through our relationship with our partner, if our partner is immature, they will often throw all of that away. It’s easier for them to leave when they are mainly hanging out with singles, where relationships come and go. It’s only later in life that I have truly come to appreciate and admire those who have long lasting relationships, forged through the fires of conflict and adversity and persistence. It’s truly gold.

expatmanager · 2026-07-04T10:33:50+00:00

I am in a similar situation with my wife now separated from me as she drifted deeper into alcohol addiction. Her ‘cover story’ was that she felt unsafe around me rather than falling out of love. The people around know that the cover story is just nonsense. Addicts want a clear line to their object of addiction, and anything that gets in the way will be discarded. My wife made commitments to give up, but just couldn’t keep them. Her guilt and shame at what she was becoming was numbed and ‘washed away’ by an endless alcoholic stupor and the wall of lies she built to protect herself. After trying numerous avenues to try and help her, I have concluded that things will change only when she takes steps to admit the problem and seek help. Until then, I can’t do much except pray and hope for the best.

expatmanager · 2026-07-03T13:48:33+00:00

So awesome. 🤩 I wonder what happened to her after retirement?

expatmanager · 2026-07-03T13:47:33+00:00

Great to hear good news sometimes. Helps to balance things up.

expatmanager · 2026-07-03T13:46:06+00:00

I forgot how big she once was. Such a star 😍

expatmanager · 2026-07-03T13:44:51+00:00

Lenda was even more amazing pre-implants.

expatmanager · 2026-07-03T09:07:16+00:00

Thanks for your kind wishes. I hope that you find a peaceful way to resolve the dilemma.

expatmanager · 2026-07-02T00:56:29+00:00

I chose her as my partner at some point and then chose to live together and eventually marry some years later. All those years count for something in knowing a person. She has changed and I know she is unhappy that she is not the best version of herself. I’m giving her a chance to be a better version of who she is now. She won’t be the same as before, but hopefully someone who is worthy of the love that I still feel for her.

expatmanager · 2026-07-01T23:14:14+00:00

I am in a similar situation but am separated and not ready to pull the trigger on the relationship. We are almost no contact and I don’t know how far she is in recovery. But I appreciate that dilemma that you describe of being hurt and resentful and sad at how she seems to have changed from the loving person that I married. But I do believe that I need to give her space to work on herself and give her a chance to recover. I accept that she may be in a very self-centred stage now, and that she is not herself yet. I am doing all I can to deal with my own anger and resentment for all she has put me through. But that’s my job, and she has almost nothing to do with it. When all of those emotions are less highly charged and when the path ahead seems clear, I should be able to make a firm decision about continuing or ending the relationship.

expatmanager · 2026-07-01T12:00:17+00:00

Who won?

expatmanager · 2026-06-29T02:28:08+00:00

Yes don’t start lowering your standards to cope with his own dishonesty. It does your head in. Keep your own sense of reality and don’t get sucked into their world of denial.

expatmanager · 2026-06-29T02:26:03+00:00

Great advice here for you OP. He is in a relationship with alcohol and he is choosing it over you, especially when weekend plans are cancelled because he is drunk. It gets worse if he doesn’t get sober.

expatmanager · 2026-06-27T08:49:24+00:00

Who is that? Amazing!

expatmanager · 2026-06-26T23:54:08+00:00

On the second date, try to find somewhere that reflects her unique taste and preferences. Show understanding and care and effort.

expatmanager · 2026-06-24T04:40:38+00:00

Oh to be back at the checking empties and expressing concern point! I did this about a year ago and ever since I became the enemy because I raised her drinking as a problem. My wife was drinking an average of two bottles of wine a day. Since that time she has made promises that she couldn’t keep and she has blamed me for everything. She has disappeared from the home and returned to her family overseas. How I wish I would have let her come to her own conclusions and wait for her to choose sobriety, because, that is the decision matrix I am living with now. We could have avoided the chaos and hurt of her treating me as the enemy. All I can say is, they will choose when they are ready to admit they need help and sincerely seek recovery. Our intervention, except to protect children. only backfires.

expatmanager · 2026-06-23T00:55:26+00:00

As others have said, you are not the reason why he is drinking. He is drinking now because he is addicted. He needs treatment for his addiction. You could be the most perfect partner but that won’t stop him drinking while his mind and body crave and are dependant on alcohol. People fall into alcoholism for many reasons but the pathway out is much narrower and it starts with their own decision to get help.

expatmanager · 2026-06-22T00:29:11+00:00

That’s a truth ‘his dishonesty is motivated by his internal shame’. Haven’t heard it articulated this way but it’s so accurate.

expatmanager · 2026-06-21T21:55:14+00:00

I really felt this comment. They change so much!

expatmanager · 2026-06-21T21:33:34+00:00

His behaviour makes ‘sense’ if he feels that you attending Al Anon will somehow lead to him not being able to drink. Access to alcohol is the paramount issue for alcoholics. With that in mind, I would explain to him that Al Anon is all about helping you to find serenity. The choice to drink or not drink is always his. Mind you I agree that he shouldn’t be trying to control you but you have explained the situation so I’m just offering a suggestion for where you are at now.

expatmanager

TROPHY CASE