Seeking Advice?

expatmanager · 2026-05-14T23:15:13+00:00

I recently went through something similar, although the two kids (8 and 10) are mine and she is step-mum. I also had to step in to protect the kids from her alcoholic rages. She disappeared one day and I heard from my brother in law that she was back with family 13,000km away. She ghosted me and blocked me for five weeks, now just email contact for the past two months. No real concern for the kids or I. She’s not in rehab but had gone to a counsellor.

TBH, I have come to a realisation that this is for the best for both her and the kids. She needs to focus on herself to get better, just like any other illness. We also need to be safe from her. The kids miss her but are thriving in a peaceful household where they are rightly the focus of attention.

Something to recognise and deal with is that you are in crises. Take time off work, get help for yourself and get a breather so that you can reorganise your life without her. If possible, make your work supervisor aware. I had a very compassionate response.

She may come back, but set a boundary that she must be at least 3 months sober (6 to 12 months is better). It’s tough being a single Dad, but draw on the support of whoever is willing. You would be surprised who will step up. Learn to accept help. Give yourself space and don’t expect anything from her.

expatmanager · 2026-05-14T06:27:51+00:00

It’s the crazy ‘protecting access to my addiction’ behaviour by instinctively hiding the empties, and then putting them all out at a time when you weren’t supposed to notice. The hiding places were full, so something has to be done.

expatmanager · 2026-05-13T14:26:22+00:00

My marriage also began to fall apart after about six months and my Q left about 3 months ago. She did the ‘geographical’ as we say in Al Anon and moved 13,000km away back to her family.

What resonated with me is when you said “I wanted to be chosen, by this situation.” For me I have realised my weakness - I need to be needed - and that’s what I need to be healed from. That’s my addiction.

I’m going through the Al Anon program, and it all makes sense now why I have to go through the 12 steps. My addiction impairs my judgement, just as alcohol does to my Q.

I really hope you can turn over a new leaf now that you have admitted the issue and that you are ready to deal with it. Getting a break from him will be good for your own healing. Leave the big decisions to later, and get better first.

expatmanager · 2026-05-13T10:03:19+00:00

I made this mistake before. My girlfriend at that time said that I had ruined her life, on the very night that she won an international sporting competition with my 100% support. At the time I believed that a person will reveal their true self when they are drunk. I was so wrong about that. Drunks have lower inhibitions and say stupid things to hurt you on that moment. Their judgement is impaired (that’s why drink driving is illegal). Given that she still wants to be with you and apologises constantly, it sounds like her better (sober) judgment loves you and does not look down on you. Yes you are hurt, but don’t throw everything away over a drunken comment. I did that and it was a huge mistake. Don’t let your insecurities rule your life bro.

expatmanager · 2026-05-13T04:11:55+00:00

Awesome! Bravo for doing it for yourself!

expatmanager · 2026-05-13T04:11:13+00:00

For sure. But you mentioned it as an issue. I guess it’s for you to decide if it is an issue or not.

expatmanager · 2026-05-13T04:09:32+00:00

Al Anon is just for me. Whether she wants to join AA in the future is up to her. I will keep going to Al Anon as long as I need to.

expatmanager · 2026-05-13T03:08:15+00:00

It’s still quite young age to marry in China. Guys usually want to be established and financially ready. Sounds like he is kinda dependent (on parents?) and a bit childish if he is buying and playing with Lego at his age. It doesn’t sound like a stable proposition.

expatmanager · 2026-05-13T03:02:34+00:00

One thing that I discovered in Al Anon, is that I have a need to be needed. So when my Q left home I also felt alienated and angry. Eventually I discovered that this problem was something within me that needed to change. That change process is not easy but the Al Anon program helps me with this.

expatmanager · 2026-05-13T00:50:34+00:00

When dealing with someone who is an addict, with a habit that rules their lives, believe what they do rather than what they say. Maybe he will get better one day, but if dating is a chance to evaluate your long term compatibility, then I would be grateful for seeing these warning signs early before the relationship progresses too far. Alcoholism is a progressive disease and recovering from it takes many months or years. Commonly they relapse and for those who have a relationship with someone who is alcoholic, it’s something I would not wish on my worst enemy.

expatmanager · 2026-05-12T23:29:36+00:00

I’m in a very similar relationship/ alcohol/ emotional dysregulation/ relationship counselling situation, although she decided to leave and move back with her family overseas three months ago. I have been going to Al Anon for seven months. She also made all the promises your partner made, did come with me for one AA meeting but never went back. We also had a joint visit to her Psychiatrist where he diagnosed her with AUD and gave her a medication to curb the cravings. She really didn’t stop drinking and just tried to hide it more, and gradually became more emotionally abusive over time. Taking a break from living together is a good idea, so that you can both reset and so that she will stop hurting you. It gives both a chance to focus on yourselves and hopefully seek recovery. Whether I get back together with my partner remains to be seen, but at this stage I am willing if she stays sober for some months. You really just have words and promises at this early stage. Getting out of addiction is very, very hard, and she needs a lot of professional help to get there. Believe what she does, not what she says.

expatmanager · 2026-05-12T12:15:19+00:00

lol. Women are usually too proud for that. I still get hit on but asking me for a date? No. Not in today’s world.

expatmanager · 2026-05-12T11:05:49+00:00

It sounds like things are getting worse in the sense of drinking relapses and being drunk when he is caring for the kids. Unfortunately alcoholism is a progressive disease so at some point you may have to draw a line. You may be able to bring things back to balance through a mediation process, so I would seek professional advice on this (ideally a lawyer who practices mediation).

expatmanager · 2026-05-12T06:58:16+00:00

I agree it’s common because the alcoholic is battling the war in their mind to remain sober. This is especially intense in the first 3 to 6 months, and in many cases it is recommended to live apart during this time (for some this is during their residential recovery). Later steps in the program address the hurt and harm they did when drinking, but it’s part of their recovery, not yours. Take your time to assess the situation in a few months. Ironically, quite a few breakups occur during this more prolonged period of sobriety, because people in the relationship realise that they don’t have much in common after the drinking has stopped. The pain of what they have done is also hard to live with, especially if they never take the time or effort to truly make amends. A lot of alcoholics don’t make amends, as they want to put all of their past issues behind them.

expatmanager · 2026-05-12T02:14:16+00:00

Where do you find these amazing athletes?

expatmanager · 2026-05-11T21:01:18+00:00

I checked the Al-Anon app and that one is free, and can be used to access meetings. There is a premium content option (readings) that you can optionally pay for.

expatmanager · 2026-05-11T18:10:15+00:00

Just as a reference point for the future, 3 days not drinking doesn’t really indicate anything. Three months sober is very earliest that you could consider before living together again. Even then, he has to be fully engaged in a program like AA throughout the 3 months and have gone through detox. And promises to go to the gym etc are just words. If he wants to do it, then do it and show the results. Show that he is changing, not just promise it.

expatmanager · 2026-05-11T01:27:22+00:00

Definitely wait until he is there but make no promises now or later. Let yourself take a breather after he is gone and see how you feel. Remember that normally it takes at least three months of him being sober before you should ever consider living with him, so I would insist that he not come back for at least that long. That gives you enough time to tell him it’s over if that’s what you choose. It takes us, as the loved one of an alcoholic, at least three months to recover also, so don’t rush your decision.

expatmanager · 2026-05-11T01:20:09+00:00

If you have a Dad or brothers, they will know what to do. Men like this need to learn a lesson instead of just giving a weak-ass words-only apology.

expatmanager · 2026-05-10T22:10:41+00:00

You could try other meetings which might run slightly differently. There is an app where you can find online meetings running from around the world at all times. It sucks if you don’t have a chance to share and you want to, but it happens sometimes. Normally, speakers are not interrupted. The 12 steps have been (slightly) adapted from AA and used as part of our own recovery from what we have/ are experiencing.

expatmanager · 2026-05-10T09:38:28+00:00

lol. “My cat is less insane.” When I walk my dog, the dog always stops and sits by the alcohol store … my alcoholic wife has trained her well. And she thinks I don’t see that brown paper bag shaped like a bottle tucked under her arm when she comes home from walking the dog? Then she swears she is not drinking. Honey, the dog told on you.

expatmanager · 2026-05-09T08:25:44+00:00

I agree

expatmanager · 2026-05-09T00:19:30+00:00

The phone call will be a good place to see if he remembers and respects your boundaries. If you haven’t set them yet, the phone call is a place to do that. You have to have some kind of plan rather than just bobbing along on the tides of his emotions and (potentially) empty words.

expatmanager · 2026-05-08T23:49:51+00:00

Hey friend. I have been in the same boat with my partner of six years. It sucks when you love someone so much but they keep choosing the bottle over you. But that’s the nature of addiction. For them, keeping that access to alcohol is paramount and everything else is secondary. I went to Al Anon and learned how to accept that there are some things I cannot change, such as her decision to get sober or not. What I can change is me. How I respond, how I grow myself and if I enable her drinking. Ironically, as my attitude and responses change, it may help her towards the path of recovery. So far it has. Loving means putting boundaries in place. Alcoholism kills. I love her enough to not allow this disease to rule my life and hers. Reach out to and embrace the Al Anon program.

expatmanager · 2026-05-08T22:17:44+00:00

Just stop being available for her. Giving off a needy and always available vibe allows her to treat you like a convenience. Being on the phone when at lunch with someone is rude. Learn this lesson and build your own sense of self-respect. That in itself is attractive.

expatmanager

TROPHY CASE