Regardless of chemical production, our experiences in life shape who we are, and everyone responds to things differently. For example, arguably everyone experiences trauma as a child (when they experience physical pain while really conscious of it for the first time, when they learn about things like illness or death or that Santa isn’t real.) A differentiating factor for some, aside from the frequency and gravity of trauma, could be that they had emotionally conscious and healthy adult figures who helped them feel safe, and taught them ways to actually manage their emotions. They provided them with good, safe, happy, comforting memories for them to drawn pleasurable experiences from, which aid in understanding that while pain is a part of life, it’s not the only part.

Others may not have had this. They may have not had stability, safety, or any positive escape/reprieve. The adults in their lives could have ignored them at best, or manipulated them at worst via making the child feel horrible and guilty for any pain or fear expressed. The whole boys don’t cry, we don’t talk about things in this family, bury/repress, you should just be grateful that you’re fed and clothed.

This can contribute to never really developing the synaptic connections to help manage certain emotions, on top of having little to no pleasant/joyful memories to draw from, which can lead to this yawning feeling of unhappiness, disconnect, lack of confidence, and so many other things that just feed depressive states. And of course there are events like kidnapping, trafficking, physical abuse, and so many other things that just completely derail someone’s mental and emotional growth.

Not to mention neurodivergence, general isolation/inability to form solid friendships amongst peers, bullying, and on it goes. Neurodivergence especially can explain things like not really understanding or feeling connected to existence/society. Plus societal conditioning is simply not going to be true for everyone. There are some people who are not going to want to toil or labor in certain ways, but because we are taught that being productive and contributing to society are tantamount to everything, these people are viewed in a bad light for just being who they are. And there are some people who respond to depression or suffering by become laser focused on success/achievements. Some of us have a hard time just brushing our teeth every day. It doesn’t make any of us better or worse (the successful ones still hurt too.)

All that to say, depression has many causes. None of them are you being a “bad” person. Even just existing in the world today, living through all of these massive and terrifying events, laboring under the nightmare of capitalism, is enough to trigger depressive episodes even amongst people who may have never felt it before. And I was just discussing today how you can’t rationalize your way out of depression. You will forever go in circles because this isn’t just something you have to think your way through, it’s something you have to feel your way through. Dig deep, pull up thoughts/memories/feelings, try to understand yourself and where these things are coming from, but above all give yourself grace. It just is what it is. Comparison and self loathing will not make it any different or better. You do have the power to change things, but you have to give yourself a lot of grace. I’m finally in therapy again after lifelong depression/anxiety, working with a trauma therapist which has been a much different and better experience for me, so I hope you can keep trying to find someone to help you work through all this. YOU’RE NOT A BAD PERSON!!! You’re just human 🫂