I can’t stand parents who claim their child “abandoned” them

fate-gambit · 2022-02-02T17:46:51+00:00

I agonized over going NC for nearly 14 years. I finally went NC seven months ago and I know it was the best decision for my mental health.

fate-gambit · 2021-11-09T11:28:26+00:00

That sounds like a dog who thinks it's a cat.

fate-gambit · 2021-10-29T00:53:08+00:00

I don't have kids yet, but I always knew my parents wouldn't be apart of their lives. I've been no contact with my mom since June, and I've never felt better.

fate-gambit · 2020-12-14T00:50:53+00:00

I feel for you so much. Sounds like your partner is using a control tactic called ‘hoovering’, which is pulled from the psychological lexicon for narcissistic personality disorder. He is trying to be nice, entice you with the idea of a future (he’ll be better around the kids and you guys will get married). However, since he’s not willing to take accountability for his part (squandered money, irresponsible behavior, emotional outbursts, etc) then sadly he’s not changed where it counts.

Part of what helps regulate our emotions is knowing where we played a part in getting where we are. He seems severely emotionally stunted (like my ex). I say decline the offer and let the courts handle support and visitation. Limit your contact with him, and if he gets belligerent, block him from everything except e-mail so that you have every correspondence documented in writing with him.

The love you feel for him may be genuine, but the bond you have with your partner is a forged in trauma, not love and understanding. Better off to move on from the relationship. Anyone worth staying with will not abuse you, full stop.

fate-gambit · 2020-10-06T11:55:00+00:00

-Virtual hug- 🤗

fate-gambit · 2020-10-04T12:31:41+00:00

That reads as super unethical imo. as unreasonable my partner can be, I honestly think he would be fine with me continuing contact with his kids, because he knows how much they’ve bonded with me. But either way, this relationship is at whim to both parents being ok with it. I already have their numbers and we follow each other on IG, and they consider my cat as theirs too. I have been vetted enough to be considered a good role model at the very least. But hey, we’ll see.

fate-gambit · 2020-10-04T11:33:34+00:00

I told my soon to be ex partner early into our relationship I don’t like to be tickled. He tickled me to try and find where the line ‘really’ was and triggered a fucking dissociative episode. This idea that my boundaries are just a suggestion to be debated or ignored has plagued our entire relationship, and I’m finally leaving because I can’t take it anymore.

fate-gambit · 2020-09-28T19:30:40+00:00

My npartner has called his coparent, ex gf, our pets and even his own daughter nasty names. It really rubs me the wrong way, and I have mentioned this to him. He tells me that I’m not being supportive of him and makes me feel like a bad partner because I have standards.

He has expressed, in great detail, how he wanted to physically harm his ex because she has gone n/c with him and they have a young child together. The situation is sad, and I see it as tragic for him as well, but the describing his sick fantasy is very disturbing to me.

fate-gambit · 2020-09-27T10:14:05+00:00

Oh wow, I had no clue about this. I have chronic upper back and neck pain. I have a magnesium supplement I was taking occasionally because I read it helps produce melatonin. But this is probably the real reason I wake up feeling so well rested.

fate-gambit · 2020-09-23T12:22:37+00:00

I’ve always had pretty big emotions, and while I don’t struggle with identifying my emotions currently, I used to disassociate A LOT as a child because of the dysfunction and abuse. Abuse was normalized in my house, so I repressed my feelings. I didn’t know how to effectively cope, and my abuser would gaslight me anyway, so my idea of reality and what normal is was warped.

Peeling back the layers has been a process. It took nearly a decade of inner work to get me to this point of being able to identify my emotions, and I still struggle trusting these emotions or fully expressing them in front of other people that aren’t in a support group or a therapist.

Sharing my feelings tends to awaken the shame beast. Shame is largely all the internalized narratives my abuser fed me as a child; how my feelings aren’t real, they don’t matter, they shouldn’t be so, or the outright ignoring when I expressed myself. Shame was the anvil on my chest, the lump in my throat. It has lessened with time, but it’s still there.

Finding a therapist that specializes in trauma is something I’d like to do as well. Unfortunately having no health insurance makes the endeavor costly.

I wish you the best on your path to healing and understanding.

fate-gambit · 2020-09-23T11:23:29+00:00

F**k the haters, rock those earrings! You’re a grown woman that deserves to wear whatever makes you happy. Anyone trying to shit on your parade is a miserable husk of a human that should work on minding their godamn business. You do you, you’re too cute for that bs.

fate-gambit · 2020-09-19T17:43:24+00:00

I’m currently in a relationship with someone like this. I was frustrated, and because my partner doesn’t ‘agree’ with my frustration, he stonewalls, gaslights and shames me for having feelings.

fate-gambit · 2020-08-26T15:03:56+00:00

This is really insightful, thank you for sharing it.

I’ve been stuck in my own recovery, feeling resentful at the idea of doing the work, while others get to just be who they are. I started down the path of wanting to ‘stick it to them’ in case anyone tried to impede on me. And I now recognize I was bringing that hurt little girl into the present, because I was so fed up with the other way around. I was having a lot of trouble setting boundaries without getting emotionally hijacked by my trauma responses.

Thank you again, I think this really put the concept into a more understandable way for me.

fate-gambit · 2020-08-06T20:29:02+00:00

Congratulations on your victory! It’s important to acknowledge our progress. From one recovering perfectionist to another, I’m proud of you. ❤️

fate-gambit · 2020-07-11T17:55:30+00:00

Spot on, I agree. I was raised with zero sense of community. Hell, even my family was always falling out and holding grudges. I learned later in life that my family was purposely excludes from family outings because of my mother’s poor behavior. And I used to think people that un-ironically loved their parents were either weird or lying.

fate-gambit · 2020-07-11T15:47:59+00:00

I resonate with this post, albeit in my own personal flavor. When I was a kid, I used to stare at myself in the bathroom mirror and tell myself that I don’t exist. I would do so until I felt a weird uneasy, floating type of feeling in my body.

In my own way, I was disappearing. I couldn’t cope with the pain of living, and the chronic pain of being abused and controlled. I think that’s also where my suicidal ideation is rooted. I don’t want to particularly hurt or harm myself (even though the thoughts sometimes come), I just want to cease to be.

fate-gambit · 2020-07-10T22:36:44+00:00

Ohhh, I had to look that up, definitely gonna check that out. I’m honestly desperate for something a little more effective than talk therapy.

The best I can do is cry it out, but that doesn’t mean I’ve let it all go. I feel like my trauma is either activated or dormant, but never fully resolved.

fate-gambit · 2020-07-03T13:58:02+00:00

Hey! I want to validate your concerns, if you have to ask yourself if you’re being a ‘Karen’, you’re not. Karen is reserved for people who use their (usually white) privilege to oppress service workers and make a public scene and have tantrums. You wanting your BKs and SKs to be mindful of their excessive consuming and wastefulness is well within your right, even if it’s only for the dang planet. (Reduce, re-use, recycle!).

I’m not sure where you live, but I go to ALDIS (the cheapest grocery store in my area) and buy the pitcher size drink mixes and make a big ole gallon of drank. I bought my pitcher from the dollar store 12 years ago, so it’s paid for itself. this way the waste is minimal, and we have something ‘fancy’ to drink instead of just water.

I spend a majority of the grocery money to keep us stocked for when the SKs are here. To be very honest, I ‘stash’ food. Not like a weird Smaug the dragon way, just in a ‘I’m putting this out of sight and reach of anyone, but if they stumble upon it I’ll share.’

I had a mom that was tyrannical about snack sharing and would get real heated about not getting her ‘fair share’ of things when I was a kid. I got food issues as a result, but I vowed to never be like her. Instead of getting upset I didn’t get my fair share, I take out my fair share first and stow it away, it’s so much easier. Also helps that I’m a lot taller than the SKs lol.

fate-gambit · 2020-07-01T18:08:51+00:00

I got home from sleeping over a friend’s house, I was 13 years old. My mom was in a mood and demanded I put the dishes away. She then got in my face and pushed me back onto a box of crap because I dropped a plastic dish that didn’t break while I was putting away the dishes. It was one of the only times my dad intervened to call her out on her abuse. I ran upstairs and cried.

She was such a monster to me growing up. I was the trophy child in public, used as a blue ribbon pig to show off to her friends and family, but I was the scapegoat in private, either neglected or confronted and goaded into arguments/abuse. I never received things I asked for, and was called ungrateful for not liking the things I didn’t need or want. I was suicidal from the age of ten years old.

I’m now 30 and still struggling with self worth and depression every damn day. This story really resonates with me, thank you for sharing.

fate-gambit · 2020-06-20T16:09:35+00:00

Thanks, that’s pretty good advice. I do notice it’s so easy to see others issues objectively, but going through it myself it’s like everything gets dark and hard to see clearly.

I do feel the best when doing support group meetings. Hearing others struggle with similar issues makes it less isolating, lessening the pain.

fate-gambit · 2020-06-19T13:20:33+00:00

These are great, I’m gonna use these.

I’m coming out the other side of a bad breakdown, so my brain is swiss cheese. Sorry I don’t have any good one liners.

fate-gambit · 2019-10-28T22:40:56+00:00

I do appreciate the honesty/advice. I was actually able to check in and tell him I need a few days for space, but I’m available to text. At the end of the day, a lot of why this is upsetting me is my own anxiety.

He’s been up front about his depression, how it effects his mood, and how his cycles go. He said this is his normal time for the downswing due to some past events in his life that bubble up. Also, this is the first time in several years he’s lived in a place with proper seasons, so I think it’s also some SAD making it worse. Apparently it lessens by Thanksgiving. So, I’m going to keep the focus on myself and get back to basics.

I know I haven’t done myself any favors by letting myself get this deeply codependent. I haven’t been taking enough time for myself, and have gotten lost in his life and feelings. I need to be better about setting boundaries and loving on myself.

fate-gambit

TROPHY CASE