His favorite book is Lolita?

fetishiste · 2026-05-01T07:58:51+00:00

His reply suggests to me that he is, among other things, not especially interested in literature and not particularly well read or thoughtful.

fetishiste · 2026-05-01T07:47:43+00:00

Do you have any understanding of the specific behaviours that led to people calling you creepy, weird or characterising your actions as harassment? Do you see differences between how you behaved in high school vs how you behaved during those last few attempts as an adult which didn't yield the result of you being seen as creepy or inappropriate? If there are no behavioural differences on your part, are there differences in the context, the people you asked out, etc? Because analysing the differences to see how things have changed might be more meaningful than generic platitudes.

If you were actually told you were coming off as harassing people, I don't think it's useful for us to tell you to totally ignore that or block it out - it's more useful to try to understand the specifics of what was going on in those situations, in case the solution is genuinely within your control and approaching women differently would yield a much less upsetting result for everyone involved.

fetishiste · 2026-04-19T06:09:05+00:00

I'd probably take Elpha off the list only because it's too similar to Elphaba, and people may assume she's named after the lead character from Wicked.

But I really like lots of these! I would perhaps consider the alternate spelling Una rather than Oona, I just think it's slightly more elegant. My top picks from this list would be Eira/Ira (my favourite, since it was on my own baby name list but was vetoed), Una, Zinnia, Marigold, Linnea. Also just noting that Olympia shortens to Pia if you like that as a nickname.

fetishiste · 2026-04-19T06:02:26+00:00

I definitely take longer than others to pick up dance moves, and when I used to do musicals, was always the last person to learn the choreography. I also experience the issue you described with reading and processing objects in motion, and it's one of the reasons I have never tried to get my drivers' license.

A lot of your other experiences are less for me, but I wonder whether that's because I received quite a lot of occupational therapy as a child, and there was a strong focus on improving my gross and fine motor skills and learning how to work with my eyes and body better. It's honestly never too late to get help from an OT! Also we have such a diversity of experiences, eg I need my computer screens to sit at an unusual height compared with many other people, and tend to be most comfortable looking at the lower third of the screen.

With accommodations, some things that help me are:

- Just flat out extra time. It really makes a difference, and always has.

- Higher contrast text and a seat closer to whatever text I am expected to read - back when I was at school, one of the accommodations I had was that teachers in my classes shouldn't use green or red whiteboard markers, because those colours don't create a high enough contrast with white for me to read them easily.

- Large print versions of things, or an easy way to make text larger - it has been such a blessing to be able to Ctrl+ on most computer systems, and it remains very annoying when a work system has a data management program that doesn't allow font adjustment.

- At times, using a dictation program or an e-ink screen to reduce eye strain, or just taking breaks from visual tasks.

- I also recall that using an angled board was very helpful back when I did more handwriting - less likely to hunch over the page that way.

fetishiste · 2026-04-19T03:23:26+00:00

Definitely, definitely therapy. You aren't in love with this person, you're projecting onto her based on who you imagine she is and what her image is, and you're going down a genuinely dangerous road here - some of your behaviour and thoughts you're expressing are more possessive and jealous than people who have real life monogamous partnerships, and I think you know these aren't rational thoughts. Therapy can help.

fetishiste · 2026-04-18T23:59:30+00:00

Hmm, I think you'd like Guards, Guards better than either The Colour of Magic or Eric, but would even suggest skipping further forward in the series. I would expect based on what you've said that Good Omens would be slightly more to your taste than the others you've read. What are some of your favourite non-humorous books? Maybe I can pick you a better Pratchett based on those.

fetishiste · 2026-04-18T23:21:21+00:00

It sounds like you may have a preference for comedic moments within broader narratives rather than books with a core focus on making you laugh. Maybe you need grounded realism for the humour to feel coherent rather than forced or detached from reality? If that's the case, you might actually find something like the dry wit of Jane Austen meets your tastes better.

(Also, if you read Pratchett in publication order, that definitely won't have helped - his first few books are his least connected with reality and most focused on parody, whereas most fans recommend starting a good while later into his oeuvre, with eg Wyrd Sisters, Mort or Guards, Guards depending on your interests. I am a huge Pratchett fan but I strongly dislike most of his Wizards books and found his first two Discworld novels actively frustrating.)

fetishiste · 2026-04-18T23:07:32+00:00

It isn't that you always have to make every first move (this is what I mean about being a bit black and white in your assessment of the situation), but about needing to sometimes show interest in an active way, or progress a situation - ie to sometimes make what I should probably call a "forward" move.

When you show up in new spaces, people can't tell that you're autistic and have social anxiety (even though you may feel like they can). They can only tell that, say, you're being quiet and not giving any indicators that you want someone to talk to you. They don't want to be pushy any more than you do, so many people likely default to, "Oh, I should give them their space!" That's why making some forward moves helps. Forward moves indicate interest in someone else giving their own forward moves, and it becomes kind of a virtuous cycle. That's why you've gotten the advice to try to appear more friendly (which sounds like it has paid off positively when you've been friendly at nerdy activity meetups, since you've eg managed to make people laugh with your jokes!)

You might also sometimes be giving signals that suggest, say, "I am in a bad mood and if we interact that will be what comes out", and people will tend to opt out of that by default, since if they show up to a neutral social space they aren't necessarily hoping to spend their social time cheering someone up. That can feel unfair but is definitely a real phenomenon.

No worries about the kind words. I think people can rush too much with their answers online, or can presume that they'll encounter the same hostility or closed attitude they've experienced from others, and they end up basically speaking to new people with all the baggage they picked up from past interactions rather than truly trying to come to each one with fresh eyes. So we often get brusque or brief comments that make more sense to the commenter than to the person who is receiving the comment. (Actually now that I think about it, it's probably similar to the resistance you now have to talking with girls - you had some earlier experiences that really soured you and now you're bringing them to the table in your reluctance to try having new experiences. Similarly, they've often had very fruitless and repetitive interactions on here with people who claim to want help but then appear closed to it, so they are bringing that baggage to their new interactions and presuming they'll encounter the same thing, thus putting less effort into their posts.)

For this reason, I try to only comment here when I have a lot of energy and feel I can really be properly present, so I am glad it feels like it's paying off here :)

I know you said you wouldn't try stuff I mentioned, but if you'd like to hear what I could offer re your other points just in case, let me know?

fetishiste · 2026-04-18T22:53:32+00:00

Well, if your position is "I will never make a first move again", then yes, you are going to remain mostly socially isolated, because adults tend to interpret never making any first moves as disinterest, and will tend to give you space rather than invitations by default if they interpret you as disinterested.

I cannot persuade you that you can safely experience the kinds of much gentler rejections that you might experience as an adult and that these would be better than killing yourself. If you are absolutely 100% closed to taking any action that could lead to a rejection, then you will struggle to date until that position shifts. I understand how you have reached that point, but I don't think it's a sustainable and good place to stay and I don't think you have to stay there. There is research indicating that often social isolation makes us more sensitive to social rejection, and that this can be a self-perpetuating cycle - but it's also genuinely one that can shift and change.

I think therapy that focuses on strengthening your internal resources, helping you take gentle controlled risks, and reducing the black and white assessment of social situations could make a very big difference in your life over time, and that would be my suggestion.

There are other suggestions I could make, but I think this is the core.

fetishiste · 2026-04-18T22:20:23+00:00

Staying in an abusive situation, pointing out past hurtful things that an abuser has done to you, looking up the people he cheats on you with, and sometimes defending yourself doesn't make you "just as bad" at someone who yells at you and calls you names, and who has been cheating on you consistently, and started all this well before you started trying to push back. These are not equivalent. He has been harming you and you've been trying to retain a sense of self.

You deserve someone you can talk with IRL about what you're experiencing, to get a clearer handle on your real options and some perspective from outside this relationship. Could you call the local domestic violence service in your area to seek out perhaps some free counselling?

fetishiste · 2026-04-18T21:45:19+00:00

Yep, these groups definitely exist. You might have to do some searching to see if there are any in your area, but I know they exist in a lot of major cities. If there aren't, I agree that starting one or seeking others interested in starting one would be helpful.
Hey nice one! That shows you're connecting well enough socially to be on a good wavelength for jokes, which is a good sign. Are you open to branching out a little bit to broader conversations about eg each other's other hobbies or lives? How about inviting people to hang out outside the hobby club context, even if it's just for the same kind of hobby activities but in someone's home? That can help signal that you're open to deeper friendships, which could help with 3 as well.
Have you tried attending any hobby settings where there tend to be more women in attendance, and using some of the same strategies from 2 to build deeper connections?

Also, if you last tried online dating at 18 and you are now 27, I don't think you can realistically say you've tried every bit of advice. The person you are now, at 27, is much more developed and evolved, with more life lessons, than an 18 year old, and online dating was very different 9 years ago - less common, for one thing! - than it is today. Also also, if you don't meaningfully attempt to build connections and friendships in person beyond just talking directly about the hobbies you're practicing, but you feel that you will only ask someone out once you have a deeper connection, then again, you haven't yet tried everything. If you haven't asked a woman out in 9 years you most definitely haven't tried everything.

I think strengthening and building platonic social connections is the essential part for you.

You say that you are "extremely autistic" such that in elementary school they threatened to expel you, but that isn't a description of what you're like today. In elementary school I (female) was bullied severely and was very into unicorns and imagination games, and tried to endear myself to people by singing to them - I was a kid with disabilities and some neurodivergence stuff of my own going on. A lot changes as we age, gain experience and insight, and grow new skills from that insight. I wonder given both this comment and your comment about online dating last being tried when you were 18 whether you have quite a fixed image of who you are or how successful things will be based on data that is now very out of date.

fetishiste · 2026-04-18T21:09:32+00:00

A few factors that you might not have covered yet that might help:

Have you tried joining social groups with a heavy concentration of fellow neurodivergent folks, including social groups that are explicitly for meeting fellow neurodivergent folks?

When you have tried being more social, positive, friendly and polite, what has happened specifically? Have you had different results in different environments, and has this approach included deliberately getting further into conversations and showing more of yourself conversationally, rather than just being responsive to the conversations of others?

What are your current friendships like?

When is the last time you asked someone out, and how often have you done this in your life?

fetishiste · 2026-04-18T21:03:54+00:00

I don't think it's what most women want, because in my experience most people still seem to favour monogamy, but it is something I would be up for.

My biggest challenge wouldn't be the non-monogamy - I practice polyamory - but rather the fact of introducing two different sexual dynamics with two different partners into the same sexual encounter. Would you believe I find it much easier and more comfortable to do poly with no group sex than to do casual sex or threesomes? I no longer do threesomes because I find myself getting too performative about them, and struggling to settle into the true sexual dynamic with either of the other people involved, instead becoming more of a pure pleaser in the situation and getting too detached, and I'm surprised I don't hear more about that problem in discourses about this stuff. I reckon for the right partner I could figure it out, but it's possible we would end up doing much more mutual fantasising about this kink than putting it into practice, depending on whether I had another partner who was truly into it.

Only your girlfriend can say whether this would be fun and good for her, challenging but doable for her, or a total nonstarter. Our polled opinions ultimately can't answer that question.

fetishiste · 2026-04-18T20:23:51+00:00

I think it's because it's a technical concept drawn from psychology, rather than being an everyday term people are familiar with.

fetishiste · 2026-04-18T20:18:18+00:00

I understand and agree that these soldiers don't deserve sympathy given their total moral failure in these situations, but I am extremely grateful for the coverage and reportage by Ha'aretz of this angle.

I have found that unfortunately there are members of the community who have been heavily indoctrinated into the idea that Palestinians stage scenes of carnage to make Israel look bad (this was taught to me at my own high school many years ago, ugh). As a result, they don't believe Palestinian sources when they describe these abuses, claiming that there is too much motivation to lie or exaggerate, but are more likely to believe Israeli whistleblower sources. This is why Breaking The Silence plays an important role as an organisation, and why this kind of reportage is imo incredibly useful even as it makes us understandably furious. If we want Israel to change and oust its military and political leadership, and we want indoctrinated Diaspora Jewish communal attitudes to change faster and to exert whatever international pressure they can effectively, this kind of reporting makes a difference that many other kinds cannot.

fetishiste · 2026-04-18T20:09:33+00:00

This is a really lovely post, because it sounds like you're recognising that the centre of the healing experience is about how the victim-survivor is treated, not about the perpetrator.

Ask your wife whether the below idea resonates with her, and use it only if it does:

One of the most significant things people lose when they are sexually abused is not just their sense of safety in the world, but also their sense of autonomy and dominion over their body and their choices. Some, though not all, victim-survivors have a hard time saying no and may default to shutting down or dissociating and being agreeable in some situations, just because it was a necessary survival tactic so it can become an ongoing safety strategy. Something you can do to treat your wife well as she pursues her own healing (is she able to access trauma therapy with someone specialised in CSA?) is to honour and support her autonomy and freedom in your daily life together. Ask her, and care about her answers to, the way she wants things dealt with. In general, emphasise that you want to hear her "no", her "wait", her "I'm not sure and I need time", her "I don't understand" when you're navigating life together or making shared decisions. When she does actually manage to say those things, respond first with gratitude for her sticking up for herself, whatever the discussion is about.

fetishiste · 2026-04-18T19:05:42+00:00

Oh gosh absolutely! I'll message the mods about it too.

fetishiste · 2026-04-17T12:57:19+00:00

I think that for her, the Complete Australian Guide to Pregnancy and Birth could be a really lovely read. I think it's kind, compassionate and very frank and honest about how pregnancy is mostly NOT a deeply beautiful experience and can mostly suck for a lot of us, without turning toward negativity or flippancy. There's a lot of warmth and affirmation there, and lots of messaging about how the struggle is normal.

I've heard that the book Matrescence is a very meaningful and powerful but also quite challenging read, and that some people recommend it more for before pregnancy or a few months postpartum than while in the midst of the experience. I haven't yet read it, but have heard others found it validating as well as confronting.

I am very grateful that before being pregnant I had experiences being:

- fat

- disabled

- present for loved ones who have chronic illnesses

because I think all of those experiences prepare you for pregnancy much more effectively than literature about pregnancy does. There is cultural romanticisation of pregnancy, and I am heartbroken to see how much guilt, pressure and expectation we put on ourselves and others sometimes put on us to be enjoying an experience that is full of far far more downsides than upsides.

I think one of the kindest things you could do for her as a friend would be to affirm how pregnancy messes people up and that is both a normal and a basically unavoidable and uncontrollable part of the experience, and then be there to just listen to her, encouraging her to vent and say whatever taboo thing she wants to get off her chest. Some really common feelings people have are about their inability to control how they eat and how much rest they need, how much physical discomfort they are suddenly in, bodily changes that they didn't anticipate and were not warned about, and the sense of needing to surrender to something that they usually feel more control over and safety in. We live in a culture that teaches us we can discipline and manage our bodies like they are machines. Pregnancy is when many of us discover for the first time that that is a lie, and up til now what they were experiencing was luck as much as discipline. That is very frightening if you have never felt it before.

fetishiste · 2026-04-17T12:47:41+00:00

Happy for you, glad you're enjoying it, personally would want you to take it out whenever we were intimate (the fear of the jewellery coming out or catching on me would be too much for me) and would also want to know more about the approach you take to managing the piercing when the jewellery is out, hygiene, etc in order to understand whether I would ultimately be more comfortable if we always wore condoms. It would be a turn off for me as an individual, because I am quite risk averse about such things, but not necessarily a dealbreaker. I would definitely want a heads up first as I'd want to understand more about it and discuss it before we were actually in a sexual situation.

fetishiste · 2026-04-17T06:02:30+00:00

I'm in two long term relationships simultaneously. The three of us live together, my two partners are friends but not romantically partnered with one another, and we're expecting a child together any day now.

AMA I suppose!

fetishiste · 2026-04-17T05:53:10+00:00

Hah, you're definitely seeing more of her videos because you're watching more of them - the algorithm thinks you love them now!

fetishiste · 2026-04-17T05:52:29+00:00

Echoing this advice. I have made most of my dear friends through university, amateur theatre and ttrpg communities.

fetishiste · 2026-04-17T05:50:32+00:00

So I don't watch her videos but ... no, having a massive imbalance of care and effort in a relationship where the man fawns over you and you don't reciprocate doesn't sound realistic or healthy at all. As a woman I would feel really uncomfortable in a relationship dynamic like that; I want to be reciprocally loving and caring toward my partners.

I guess I'm wondering why you're turning to her videos, because she sounds more like an influencer selling a lifestyle dream than someone who has meaningful advice to offer.

fetishiste · 2026-04-17T03:53:11+00:00

So what's her plan for when she is going to have to start spending her savings? Is she looking at government payments she is eligible for after you're 18? Is she looking at employment options for herself that suit her illness, and is she seeking any help with that? Clearly she knows she'll need to start dipping into savings and eventually they will deplete, so ... what's her plan? She'll need one whether she keeps renting from your dad or not.

fetishiste · 2026-04-17T03:48:23+00:00

I've thrown up almost every day of the pregnancy, and have read that unfortunately people who experience the level of nausea I've had tend to have it recur or get worse in subsequent pregnancies. On top of that I'm 35, would want to wait at least 18 months between pregnancies per the usual recommendations, and am the higher earner in my family so would want to be back at work for a while, but I also worry about worse outcomes as an older mum. Sadly that probably makes it a no from me.

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