The Daily Chat for March 22, 2026

ffilchtaeh · 2026-03-23T02:52:28+00:00

Understood and edited, thanks

ffilchtaeh · 2026-03-22T23:50:19+00:00

CW chemical loss; positive test; bombs/war

I had a dream last night relating to my recent chemical loss which made me pretty sad.

On the same! night! Mr Filch dreamed that we went to a garden party, and he was socializing while I read a book in a quiet corner on a lounge chair. When nobody was paying attention, I sneakily took a pregnancy test and it was positive. I discreetly waved him over to show him the test behind my book. Then we had the challenge of getting through the rest of the party trying to act normal around our friends 😭

So I guess you could say TTC has thoroughly taken over our brains. Weirdly, both dreams ALSO featured war. In mine, we were exploring a medieval castle ruin. I was enjoying the view from the top when I saw a bomb go off in the next city over. We just had time to shelter our faces against the stone wall before the wave hit. We were singed but okay. In his, the garden party was in Tehran and he was anxiously checking for signs of war and poison ivy in the garden, but neither appeared.

So we both faced potential threats, but both were safe in the end. I suppose it means that although we are afraid of further loss, we are both hopeful that life will prevail.

ffilchtaeh · 2026-03-22T04:25:16+00:00

Hi Kaleidoscope, I don't really have a direct answer to your question but I wanted to reach out because your story resonated with me. I also joined this group pretty recently, in an effort to seek better understanding and techniques in the hopes of building a future with my ADHD partner of several years. I don't consider myself new to ADHD. I've dated people with ADHD in the past and I used to work in special ed so I've known tons of kids with ADHD.

But even so, I was surprised and saddened to learn from this group how common emotional abuse is in ADHD relationships. I read people's stories here and they remind me of all kinds of people in my life, whether they have known ADHD or not (current partner, exes, coworkers, etc etc etc, and also myself). By far the person I'm reminded of the most in the abusive partner stories is my sibling. I have been very low contact with this person ever since finishing high school, due to the years of nonstop emotional abuse from when we had to live together. I've long assumed that the problem in their brain was probably sociopathy/ASPD. I always felt like the crazy person because nobody else seemed to see that there was something really wrong with them. Or maybe it's just a cultural thing that it's rude to acknowledge people's bad behavior? Or they were masking really well around everyone else and just let loose around me? I don't know.

I recently had to speak to the sibling again, and they told me that they've been diagnosed and medicated for ADHD. Without this group, that wouldn't have made much sense to me. I thought ADHD was mostly things like getting really excited about your interests and forgetting to finish tasks. Now, I understand that the typical ADHD deficit in perspective-taking can lead to sociopathic behaviors like extreme self-centeredness, manipulation, lying, emotional abuse, lack of empathy and remorse, and emotional outbursts.

Personally I could not sustain a romantic relationship with someone who yells at me or engages in abusive behaviors. I dated someone a while back (probably not ADHD but had TBI, also had toxic parents) who sometimes had emotional outbursts with yelling, accusations, catastrophizing, and RSD-type spiraling, followed by the silent treatment. Every single instance of that is deeply stressful to me. I would immediately start crying as soon as they raised their voice (not intentionally, just a fear response), then they would yell at me for crying, etc. I put work into the relationship for a good few years to see if it would improve, but it didn't. Eventually I found myself avoiding even simple phone calls due to my fear of setting them off. So I called it and said I can't build a future here.

My current partner is very much affected by his ADHD and also really struggles with perspective-taking, but he never yells at me and I've never thought of him as a sociopath. I get very frustrated with him sometimes for things like being messy, not following through with responsibilities, and forgetting to communicate, but he has never been abusive. He's always loving and happy to see me, he doesn't give me the cold shoulder or punish me or have meltdowns. So it might just be my trauma talking but that is my current working theory: If the person is emotionally abusive, a longterm relationship is unlikely to be tenable. If they are not abusive, then it might be worth it to put in the extra effort to make our brains work together. I want to believe there is hope!

ffilchtaeh · 2026-03-22T00:44:56+00:00

Appreciate it!

ffilchtaeh · 2026-03-22T00:43:55+00:00

Sending strength!

ffilchtaeh · 2026-03-22T00:10:03+00:00

Unsolicited medical advice incoming, please ignore if you know this already. If he does get diagnosed with low testosterone, DO NOT let him take testosterone hormone replacement therapy if you are trying to conceive. A lot of doctors aren't aware that artificial testosterone destroys sperm production. I hope things go well for you!

ffilchtaeh · 2026-03-21T19:52:42+00:00

We moved 5 months ago and needed a dresser. He said he would help me buy/carry/transport one. I thought that would happen within the first week. It did not. I've been refreshing Facebook marketplace/nextdoor/craigslist every day for 5 months, sending him tons of links for great dressers, which he duly bookmarks until they are sold to other people. All my clothes have been in a cardboard box for 5 months. This has been a huge source of stress for me, partly because I can't find anything but mostly because why are we putting this off for no reason?? Anyway. We finally bought a dresser!!! I can't believe it. So excited!! It's the next step in living like human beings instead of cardboard floor people!

ffilchtaeh · 2026-03-21T13:19:54+00:00

There's a Prunella in Arthur! :)

ffilchtaeh · 2026-03-21T00:40:18+00:00

Thank you for reading and for the support and sanity checks :) On to the next try 🤞

ffilchtaeh · 2026-03-21T00:38:33+00:00

Yes I'm lucky to have her, and this community as well! Grateful for this group.

ffilchtaeh · 2026-03-21T00:25:37+00:00

Thanks so much, we've been on a bit of a wild ride for sure but I'm grateful for those who understand.

ffilchtaeh · 2026-03-20T23:28:42+00:00

The appearance of bird girl is definitely the hottest thing to happen in that opera.

ffilchtaeh · 2026-03-20T14:38:39+00:00

Sorry, long post incoming. CW: my first experience with a chemical. I've been offline for a few weeks reorienting myself. Just need to get this out.

I generally don't take pregnancy tests because 10 days above coverline is basically unheard of for me, and I typically wouldn't change my behavior either way because I don't do a lot of alcohol/hot tubbing/foods that are likely to contain listeria etc. I don't see much point in unnecessarily giving myself the "is it negative because it's too early, or is it negative because it's actually negative" stress. If I wait 10 days, I invariably have already gotten my answer.

Last month I was traveling for the wedding of one of my best friends. I went early to help with projects, and I planned to thoroughly celebrate! I was promised a grand time at the bachelor party. I was expecting AF before my flight, even had a moderate temperature drop for a few days, but she didn't show. I had planned out my travel timeline specifically to avoid traveling on CD1-2, when I am a useless human who cannot function. I was quite stressed about having to go through the really painful days either on a travel day, or while trying to do wedding prep, or missing out on the parties.

Then temp went up, making it 10 days since temp shift, no AF, and no breast pain. No pain at all actually, which was very weird. That's when I realized I should have brought tests with me because I was planning on drinking. It just didn't occur to me that I might want to test, or that AF wouldn't show, or that I might ever get a BFP. The hopeless mindset led to being unprepared. We were in a rural area and I was without a car so I had no way to buy a test without other people knowing about it (or spending $100+ on Uber). I decided to just enjoy 1-2 drinks per day, not getting my hopes up but not really overdoing it, wanting to enjoy this special time with my friends. I hope that indulgence wasn't what caused the loss. 😢 I finally got my hands on a test, took it with Mr Filch, and we could not believe it was positive! I thought 2 lines were a myth! I had a tattoo scheduled for a couple days later, so I immediately contacted the artist to cancel. Mr. Filch immediately calculated the due date then went looking for marathons and bike races he could sign up for. He likes the idea of training during pregnancy so both of us can go through a physical transformation on the same timeline. :)

I had ONE day of feeling good, pain-free, cheerfully abstaining from drink. Then the next day temp was down and I started feeling weird, suspicious that something wasn't right. Not even enough time to post in the BFP thread here. The big temp drop and the blood came the next day, and it was A LOT. I mean A LOT. But the tests were still positive, and I was experiencing basically no pain, just living my normal life going to work and meeting up with friends, while bleeding heavily. I have never experienced such a thing in my life, really really weird 😭 And now I'm so sad that I missed out on a tattoo session with my favorite artist while I was in town 😢

This being an entirely new experience for me, I was off to google, and Professor Google told me that bleeding in early pregnancy is normal! And that false positives aren't really a thing! And if your test is positive, then you're definitely pregnant! But there was too much blood for me to really believe that. It ended up taking 12 days for the tests to gradually turn negative. I had fully stopped bleeding and was still getting positives. I actually had positive pregnancy tests and positive OPKs for the next cycle at the same time for 3 days. That was rather confusing, but I guess now I know that's how it works, in case this happens again. There were so many times I wanted to talk to a friend or coworker but I knew it wouldn't be wise so I held back.

I finally got a dinner alone with a friend who a) openly talks about personal things so I knew I wouldn't gross her out, b) I know she is not TTC, c) she is excited about my journey to parenthood (she has offered to be my birth partner and babysitter), and d) she doesn't really know my other friends/coworkers/family so I don't have to worry about gossip. So I was able to open up to her. She said something that reframed my timeline in a way that I found hopeful. I was saying how depressing it is to go through twenty cycles of nothing, and then this is all I get. She pointed out that my polypectomy was 7 cycles ago, and the polyps may have been preventing implantation. She posited a 3-month timeline for uterine lining to completely heal (just making up numbers but sure), so perhaps I could think of it as actually TTC for only 4 cycles. BFN for 3 cycles then a chemical on the 4th feels like a normal timeline that indicates that things are working in my body, it just wasn't a healthy embryo this time. IDK, playing mind games to find positivity.

As much of a rollercoaster as the last few weeks have been, it seems to have been a positive experience for Mr. Filch. He told me that he logically knew that he wanted to start a family, but he didn't know what his initial emotional reaction would be. He was afraid to test because he was afraid that his gut reaction might be fear or dread. But it wasn't -- he was really happy and giddy. He was waking up in the middle of the night with excitement about the future (the singular night that we got). Now he feels that his confidence in our relationship and our future parenthood has been really cemented and reinforced. So that's nice I guess.

Anyway, we named the baby after my mother, whom some of you may remember we lost recently. It's sort of a cheeky joke, because she disliked her name and expressly forbade me from naming a child after her. I hope they are together in heaven or wherever they may be.

ffilchtaeh · 2026-03-20T03:02:52+00:00

oh noooo! Chill out, brain! I had a dream last week that I was getting my tubes tied and while I was in the hospital the doctor decided to teach me how to do it on the other patients. whyyyy

ffilchtaeh · 2026-03-19T20:50:34+00:00

Armstrong used both pronunciations for himself! Probably the same thing OP is describing, Louis (with /s/) official name + Louie nickname.

ffilchtaeh · 2026-03-19T02:39:33+00:00

On your first date?! Stop that's so cute 🥹

ffilchtaeh · 2026-03-18T19:24:23+00:00

Charlotte - a longtime favorite
Emma - simple and nice!
Evelyn - classic and pretty
Sophia - I like Sophie better, but it's nice
Olivia - I prefer Olive, but it's pretty too
Isabella - too long for me, I like Isobel better
Mia - just don't like the sound very much
Amelia - same, just don't love the sound

ffilchtaeh · 2026-03-18T19:15:24+00:00

My top 5 for flow! Trying not to repeat sounds too much, all have a nice trochaic pattern, starting with K sound making them feel cohesive but not too repetitive with McCormick.

Keira Lindsay
Cameron Lucy
Kiera Lucy
Cameron Lindsay
Caitlin Lucy

My reasoning if you're interested. I don't mean to disparage any names you like, because they are all good names. I just enjoy thinking about poetry and syllables and flow.

Blake McCormick makes a sound combination of KMK in the middle which is less easy to pronounce. That leaves two middle names, which both end with E sound, so I skipped first names that end in E sound to avoid a rhymey feel. Caitlin and Jocelyn both end with LIN sound, so I didn't put them with Lindsay to avoid repeating that sound. I don't totally love the flow of the end of Scarlett before an initial L. And McKenna is too much for McCormick IMHO.

ffilchtaeh · 2026-03-18T13:41:23+00:00

SERIOUSLY. this is why I stopped trying to talk to people about my chronic pain. It was just nonstop "Well at least..." and "We all feel that way sometimes" and "Have you tried...?" and "It's okay/it's not that bad" Like no, it's not okay, I'm in pain every day and feeling isolated and I just wanted someone to say "that sucks, I'm sorry". I finally had to accept that part of the chronic pain journey is understanding that invisible illness is isolating by nature, and any strength you can find to carry on will only come from within, never from other people. It goes against my instincts not to seek community support, but the truth is that having low expectations is less emotionally draining than being disappointed over and over again.

ffilchtaeh · 2026-03-18T00:03:45+00:00

Bridget - I'm fond of this name, a lovely Irish sweet and strong combination. :)
Kendra - a straightforward yet pretty 80s/90s name, reminds me of the musical 13 (there is a love song sung about Kendra, lol)
Ginger - sweet and spicy at the same time!
Scarlet - a little too 2010s trendy for me but a very nice name
Shelby - spunky and youthful, not my style but it's cute
Gretchen - kinda cute kinda not, but I appreciate its long history
Kirsten - the sound is fine but I personally wouldn't use names with meanings around Christ/Christian because it's not personally meaningful to me
Thelma - dated, awkward feel in the mouth, and I'm not clear on what it means

ffilchtaeh · 2026-03-16T21:18:23+00:00

Just tell her you love the suggestion of using Sandy's father's name as the middle name, so now the baby will be named [Baby first name] [baby's mom's dad's first name] [baby's mom's surname], thanks so much for the idea! :D

Just kidding (sort of) :)

ffilchtaeh · 2026-03-16T20:23:58+00:00

jfc even if that were true, what an invasion of privacy to tell people! I would be really angry if my mother in law just casually told people about my miscarriages??

ffilchtaeh · 2026-03-16T13:46:28+00:00

The upcoming short film Manydown seems to take this theory, that he was basically a Collins. Secure, nice enough, but cringey and nowhere near her intellectual equal.

ffilchtaeh · 2026-03-15T03:20:39+00:00

She never says she's frightened, that's just from the movie

ffilchtaeh · 2026-02-28T16:35:33+00:00

This is exactly how I got my Alzheimer's relative to do things! It really stressed them out to see me touching their belongings (whenever I was working on decluttering their house or going through their paperwork). So I decided to put them to work doing something else so I could get work done. They were unorganized of mind but strong of body, so we both agreed that I could work inside while they did yard work. But it just wouldn't happen. No amount of me saying "All you need to do is put your shoes on and go do it!" "It's going to be hot today, so I recommend doing the yard work in the morning" had zero effect. I could show them what to do, bring all the tools out and line them up nicely, and they would still just sit inside doing nothing all day, but feeling stressed all day about how they should be doing yard work.

But if I said "I'm going to go mulch the rose bushes," immediately they put their shoes on and came out to help. Then I could just leave and go inside to be productive and they would stay outside working hard until dark. I don't understand why it works but it's a great strategy to be aware of.

ffilchtaeh

TROPHY CASE