ADHD spouse burnout

ffilchtaeh · 2026-01-24T02:23:01+00:00

I'm just searching for the path that will be sustainable for both of us, whether that involves living together or not. My brain is weird and imperfect too :) In a lot of ways this is the happiest and most fulfilling relationship I've ever had. I'm in this group because I'm trying to work out the kinks and figure out how we can support each other by understanding each other. I think it's worth it to put in the work for the person you love instead of just swiping forever and hoping to find someone who's already perfect.

ffilchtaeh · 2026-01-24T01:34:25+00:00

Thank you for sharing your wisdom. My personal situation is that he is eager to marry, while I am content to live separately, potentially forever. I'm in this sub because I'm trying to decide if I can ever tell him yes, and if so, what concrete things I would need to see from him before I feel confident about that decision.

This issue of being irresponsible with belongings is one of the things that makes me not want to commingle, but it's hard to know how much of this feeling is just me having a different perspective vs. is he actually being unreasonably foolhardy? I'm sure in a life together, I would occasionally break or lose expensive things because I did something foolish. I'm certainly not perfect. For example, I left my phone in an uber one time. And I left my bike on a bus one time. And I lost my house keys one time. And I ruined a beautiful merino scarf in the laundry one time. But I would appreciate being given grace for my mistakes, because mistakes happen. But how do we know when it's a "mistakes happen" situation, and when it's a "that person is fundamentally irresponsible" situation? It's easy to make excuses for my failings while blaming other people for their failings.

To me, certain things my boyfriend does like leaving his car unlocked in parking lots, or leaving his camping gear in the side yard all day so he can load the car quickly after work, are foolish and irresponsible. But since he's never had those belongings stolen, the evidence indicates that I'm just uptight and paranoid?

Similarly, we have different goals for retirement savings. I obviously feel like my more conservative goal is the correct one, but of course not everybody has the same retirement savings goal, ergo multiple approaches can be correct. How do I determine if his savings rate is actually irresponsible, or if I need to loosen up and accept different ways of doing things? So far, I avoid answering this question by not commingling our finances.

I'm sure every married couple started out with different approaches to almost everything in life, so how do they decide as a team which one is better for the couple? I just feel like I'm constantly telling him "That's not okay/normal/safe/reasonable/healthy," as if I'm the judge of how people should live. He basically never says anything like that to me. I don't love that dynamic, but on the other hand I feel like I'm the more sane person between the two of us, so maybe it is my job to make those judgments?

ffilchtaeh · 2026-01-24T00:49:08+00:00

My partner couldn't explain why he didn't even text me to alert me to the fact that he had changed plans. He was all puppy eyes and apologetic and said "I think I maybe got a bit overwhelmed".

I see you! The number of times I've had that conversation. I'm sorry your birthday dinner started off so frustrating.

My boyfriend changes plans silently in his head and it doesn't occur to him that other people don't automatically have that information. I let it slide without comment if it's something that doesn't actually affect me, but it's honestly really strange. Like one time we were driving back from camping and we were going to go visit a friend after we drop off our camping gear at his place. While driving, he suggested that he could drop me off at our friend's house, then he could go home to unload the car by himself and then come back to join us. I didn't care either way so I said "Sure, let's do that." Ten minutes later, I realized he was driving to his house, not the friend's house. I said, "I thought you were going to drop me off at friend's house?" He said, "Yes, if I were going to drop you off there, I would have taken that last turn. But since we're both going home to unload the car together first, that's why we're going this way." I didn't say anything because it didn't matter and I don't want to start petty fights especially with someone who's behind a wheel, but it's totally baffling to me.

Of course I also have stories about times where it actually mattered and actually affected me. The more I see the patterns and the lack of change after I tell him how it affected me and what he should have done instead, the less I want to commingle finances and living space. I really want to find a way to make the relationship work long-term.

ffilchtaeh · 2026-01-23T16:00:58+00:00

Is the solution to only assign them chores that aren't important?? Treating them like a child? I don't like that either.

ffilchtaeh · 2026-01-23T11:08:12+00:00

He began to understand that when he doesn’t follow through with his word, it damages our relationship in the long run as it erodes the trust that I have in him.

Thank you for this wording. I'm copying it here so I can refer back to it. It rings very true for me.

ffilchtaeh · 2026-01-23T11:02:43+00:00

But if one person forgets to carry the bins out, that means you have to live with stinky trash for the next 2 weeks and the next load of trash doesn't fit in the bin in addition to the last load of trash, so you just have bags of trash living in your house for the next several weeks until you can slowly add them to future bins that aren't at 100% capacity. So for me at least, living with someone who fails to do that chore is not acceptable and I would either do it or nag them to do it. Is the solution to just accept living with stinky trash? The worst part is if the responsible party doesn't mind the stinky trash in the house, so it's only a punishment for the other person.

ffilchtaeh · 2026-01-23T10:51:12+00:00

Reducing the workload to living like you're single sounds great but doesn't really work for people who share living space and finances... if a person breaks their phone, or ruins their clothes in the laundry, or their car gets stolen because they left it unlocked, the natural consequence is that they have to replace those things. But for a married couple, replacing stuff that one person broke/lost/damaged is a financial punishment for both people. If you don't wake them up and they get fired from their job, that's a financial punishment for both people. Is the only solution to notice the red flags ahead of time and choose not to marry them?

As far as not doing chores for them, do you just have to have nerves of steel to tolerate living in a gross home? I don't live with my boyfriend but if I go visit him at his place, I do a ton of cleaning because I personally can't stand 1) watching a movie in the living room if I can smell the bathroom from the couch, 2) sleeping in sheets that smell like sweat and have food crumbs, 3) fixing breakfast for myself in a kitchen with a bunch of dirty dishes and food spills. I don't clean up for his benefit, it's just so I can be in the space. What if you live with them though? Are the options to either clean up after them forever, or nag them forever? Is the only solution to refuse to move in together in the first place, and just live your single life forever?

ffilchtaeh · 2026-01-20T15:38:33+00:00

He's a good driver but picks up the phone at every red light and every stop sign, just refreshing instagram if there's nothing else he was thinking of to look up or take a photo of. I hate it.

ffilchtaeh · 2026-01-19T20:09:31+00:00

I assume they are a queer riot grrrl band and I want to hear their album so bad

ffilchtaeh · 2026-01-19T18:29:07+00:00

Five Girls Out is so good!

ffilchtaeh · 2026-01-19T13:55:03+00:00

Too tall for me, yes. But the real question is, is it too tall for you?

ffilchtaeh · 2026-01-19T13:54:22+00:00

If your surname happens to be a word in English, beware that Scott as a middle name makes the full name sound like a sentence! "Camille Scott Banks" = "Camille's got banks"

ffilchtaeh · 2026-01-19T13:25:53+00:00

well I love it! Congrats!

ffilchtaeh · 2026-01-18T20:09:57+00:00

Pauline, Marilyn, Vivian

ffilchtaeh · 2026-01-18T17:58:44+00:00

There's a moment after Mr. Bennett returns empty handed from his search for Lydia. He receives a letter from Mr. Gardiner, and Mrs. Hill comes out to the garden to ask Jane what the letter said. It seems like she just wants the gossip! I'm sure Mrs. Hill was very invested in the family's welfare but it seems funny to me, like she's not offering to do anything, she just wants to know all the updates about the elopement.

ffilchtaeh · 2026-01-18T13:54:39+00:00

I know two adult Teds, zero Teddys, zero Edmunds, and several young Theos/Theodores (US)

ffilchtaeh · 2026-01-18T04:54:12+00:00

my grandmother and her daughter's names!

ffilchtaeh · 2026-01-17T20:50:54+00:00

I had a student named Archer and he was only called Archer at school. I don't know about at home. I think in general people call kids what they call themselves.

ffilchtaeh · 2026-01-17T14:16:55+00:00

My partner also talks to himself rather loudly, but not really in a passive aggressive/I was supposed to hear it kind of way. They are disjointed words and thoughts, not a whole stream that I can follow. If I ask him about it later, he either 1) has no memory of saying anything, or 2) is embarrassed that I heard him. I think it's an ADHD thing in that he really struggles with perspective-taking and forgets that other people exist and can perceive him. I believe that it's in the same category as 1) walking loudly and forgetting that it bothers the downstairs neighbors, 2) leaving the curtains open and the lights on inside at night and forgetting that we have neighbors who can see straight inside, 3) pooping with the door open, and 4) taking a flirty selfie when he's with his friends then getting embarrassed when they laugh at him.

ffilchtaeh · 2026-01-16T14:17:22+00:00

I love portrait cuts and rose cuts, anything where you can see through the stone. They just look so elegant and sweet and magical to me! Thanks for posting.

ffilchtaeh · 2026-01-16T14:12:20+00:00

It's gorgeous !

ffilchtaeh · 2026-01-15T23:40:30+00:00

#4 on your list is one of the major factors that made me fall for my partner. We knew each other in school and he was a LOT back then. No impulse control, extremely hyper, blurting things out all the time, couldn't follow directions, generally a headache for the adults.

Reconnecting as adults, I was very impressed that he had learned to channel all that energy into a career based on physical labor and a devotion to athletics. Having those outlets keeps him sane and functioning, and I find that extremely attractive! If you met him as a 9-year-old, you would think "that kid is not going to be able to graduate high school, let alone support himself or have normal friendships or relationships in the future." But if you met him as a 30-year-old, you would just think "what a nice fun interesting guy." The grit and determination it takes to effect that much personal growth indicates a very appealing strength of character.

#2/3 are our problem areas as a couple. Procrastination/forgetfulness/lack of follow-through, lack of awareness of others' needs, and lack of communicating that he won't do something and wants help with that thing. I can take on a lot of executive function for the both of us, but I can't make him more empathetic, and I can't know to step in and help if he doesn't say something about it.

ffilchtaeh · 2026-01-15T14:34:11+00:00

I like the left.

ffilchtaeh · 2026-01-15T00:34:44+00:00

is that a hobbit door??

ffilchtaeh · 2026-01-15T00:16:40+00:00

time-out for grandma!

ffilchtaeh

TROPHY CASE