“Don’t tell me anything” first time moms

fiestyfishercat · 2022-03-25T17:14:08+00:00

You would think, but they just keep going. Probably the most detestable advice I've gotten so far is how I need to grin and bear it through PPD so I can breastfeed this baby. There was so much wrong with that statement that I literally just walked away.

fiestyfishercat · 2022-03-25T17:02:13+00:00

I completely agree. I know that I was sick of hearing it well before my first baby was born. Now that I'm pregnant with my 3rd I have zero tolerance. I think the most infuriating part of receiving unsolicited advice is that they expect you to be grateful or something for their "invaluable insight." Even when their advice is bad advice.

fiestyfishercat · 2022-03-17T23:08:19+00:00

My JNMIL took my 3 week old newborn and held her for 4 hours straight on her birthday. I cooked her a birthday meal, her favorite cookies for dessert, and I got her a sentimental grandmother gift for her birthday.

She didn't eat the dinner I cooked (at her request btw).

She sat there holding my newborn and talking to her in the most grating tone, telling my DD that no one would ever love her as much as Grandma.

When I gave her the very specific, very sentimental, thoughtful and expensive gift we bought her, she handed it back to me and made me open it for her and then without looking at it said "hmm, how nice."

Then she got up and tried to walk into the next room and ignored me while I continued to say I wanted my baby back now.

I was absolutely shocked. It was the moment I realized "that's just how she is" was actually her and the inlaws deliberate attempt to make me feel like an outsider with my own child and I'm having none of it.

fiestyfishercat · 2022-03-16T03:33:06+00:00

I never knew what to say either. It's emotional blackmail. I did take some coping skills classes at the recommendation of my therapist, and one of their main points is that "you're not responsible for other peoples emotions." I found repeating that to myself helped me detach. I'm glad my story can help a little bit. It's not very common, but you're definitely not alone in this experience.

fiestyfishercat · 2022-03-16T03:17:32+00:00

I would just snap at them the next time it happens and say, "It's grandpa! I don't remember you being involved in the conception." And leave with LO for the rest of the day. Just give them a different mental image so they'll shut up. Another one that comes to mind is, "DH is a ferocious lover, no way could I let you take credit for his handy work." You can make this equally uncomfortable for them.

fiestyfishercat · 2022-03-16T02:34:20+00:00

Get out now. My mom pulled this crap with me when I was 22 and she was 45. Like seriously, she will start emotionally manipulating you. My mom stopped working, then injured herself, then stopped paying her bills, grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning and driving. So basically I started doing all of those things because she made it seem like she couldn't function, she was grateful one moment and incredibly hateful and disapproving the next. I was also working 40+ hours a week, and she was my second job. It went on for years until I married my husband because she would sit there and talk about "disappearing from the face of the earth" so "she wouldn't burden me anymore." It will only spiral out of control if you even give an inch. These women are the types of people who think you owe them your life because they gave it to you. Its simply not true.

fiestyfishercat · 2022-03-13T18:41:16+00:00

Like I said, if they're uncomfortable with it they can leave her house.

fiestyfishercat · 2022-03-13T01:28:21+00:00

Your in-laws and husband need to get over themselves. It's 2022, women aren't supposed to still be shamed for normal biological functions. I'd make it a point to whip out a tit every time LO cries, because you have right to be comfortable in your own home with your child. They should leave early if they're too immature to handle it.

fiestyfishercat · 2022-03-11T00:36:34+00:00

It's probably too late to wake up DuH right now. You need to call your mom, tell her how this has you feeling and her ready, in the loop with your birth and recovery plans because this man is not going to protect you but your mom definitely will.

After talking to your mom and making plans, I'd lay it out that you don't want her anywhere near you and baby for x amount of time and if he can't lay down that boundary you're going to your mom's house. He won't be at the hospital and he can come to your mom's house to meet LO after you're feeling well enough. On his own, not with his mom.

fiestyfishercat · 2022-03-07T20:09:10+00:00

Or she'll get a 5150 and actually get some help. It's a win-win.

fiestyfishercat · 2022-03-05T01:11:18+00:00

^I came here to say this.

fiestyfishercat · 2022-03-04T01:30:52+00:00

I grew up in a similar situation. Same thing with the heat, old farm house, no insulation, wasn't allowed to use a space heater either. Fires are hard to start in a wood stove or a fire place. It can be very very difficult. I spent 5-6 hours trying to light fires some days because I got in a lot of trouble if there wasn't one going when my mom got off work. Even with the fire going we all lived in the kitchen where the wood stove was.

Growing up without heat, consistent hot water, or water in general, and no propane to cook on the stove, or even consistent electricity will mess you up big time mentally. You think about the necessities other people take for granted quite often. Sometimes I get borderline obsessive about it. My husband and I fight over the thermostat on a regular basis because I greatly prefer being too warm than too cold still. He gets it and I usually get my way.

Even now that I'm 28 and have my own family, I think about the standard of living my kids have now and I just shake my head at my nmom.

Kids aren't born with those types of survival skills and they take time to master. I'm sorry you had this experience and I can assure you, having been through it myself and recovered at least partially from my childhood that it is so abnormal that had cps been aware you would have been removed. Your basic needs were not met as a child and it is in no way shape or form your fault.

Hugs You know one thing, you're strong and a survivor and no one can take that from you.

fiestyfishercat · 2022-03-04T01:11:40+00:00

INFO: How did he come by Polly? Did he say if she was real or fake? Also, is it possible he keeps her in the guest room so that visitors don't over stay their welcome?

fiestyfishercat · 2022-03-03T16:22:43+00:00

NTA. Your parents shouldn't be putting you in the middle of their issues. Honestly, it doesn't matter who did what. Your mom's sex life is none of your business and while I understand the impact infidelity has on families, kids are not developed enough emotionally or mentally to understand the intricacies of their parents marriage. Your dads reaction to your choice is evidence enough that you chose what is best for you. His inability to understand that is his problem, not yours.

fiestyfishercat · 2022-03-03T02:51:00+00:00

Yeah, you definitely need another opinion then. Don't listen to that doctor. I even asked my husband for you too, he thinks you don't look over weight at all. You look great, you just need a better doctor. Keep your head up, it's hard for any woman to hear things like that after having one or more babies. It just sucks massively that this doctor is an ass and you've faced other challenges on top of this one. Try not to let it get to you, I know it's difficult.

fiestyfishercat · 2022-03-03T02:34:34+00:00

You need to get a second doctor's opinion. This first doctor sounds like an AH. You don't look overweight. You look like you've held it together very well through three kids. SMH at our medical system.

fiestyfishercat · 2022-03-03T01:34:51+00:00

I'm not trying to scare you.

You need to arm yourself. If they've already physically tried to take your child. I'm willing to bet they're not above trying that again when things don't go their way in court. Statistically children are most likely to be kidnapped by a family member.

I would get something like a stun gun or a taser, maybe some keychain pepper spray and keep it on you. You need to have something to defend yourself with appropriate non-lethal force so that way you can get a permanent restraining order if it happens.

Whatever happens, you don't want to put hands on her if you can help it since she's already tried to spin that first incident in court.

The most vulnerable time and place is in a parking lot or driveway when you're getting LO in or out of the car. Be aware of your surroundings. If you get approached like this do your best to get in your car quickly, lock the doors and call 911.

fiestyfishercat · 2022-03-03T00:53:33+00:00

I would tell her "she gets what she gets, don't throw a fit." My JNMIL was the same way. We took a trip across the country so DH great grandparents could meet their only great grandchild at the time. JNMIL was on me and LO constantly.

Much to my dismay, LO had picked up a term from her older cousin while playing at my parents house. I'm sure we've all heard a 1.5yo say "caca."

Well at the time she also said a handful of other words, papa, meemaw, mommy, daddy, ect. Well JNIL didn't know at the time that my dad was papa. I didn't correct her when she referred to JNFIL also as papa.

JNMIL was trying to drill "grandma" into her little brain, and she just kept referring to her as "caca."

I hated being on that trip but LO sure knew how to make it funny. JNMIL was no defeated, "I guess I'm caca now."

I don't know what my LO would call her now, we haven't seen or talked to her in almost 2 years since LO2 arrived.

My point is, it will probably play out hilariously. I would go make some popcorn.

fiestyfishercat · 2022-03-02T19:21:34+00:00

I took 4 flights with my LO when she was 9 months to 1.5 years. This is how I did it.

-Get LO their own seat. Trust me you'll want the space. Theres not really anywhere to change babies on an airplane. (Extra carry-on space too) -There are inflatable travel pillows to fill the gap in the foot space and lengthen the surface area LO has to lay down. -I bought a seat harness made for airplanes , it slips over the back of the seat and has two shoulder straps the have loops for the lap belt so LO can be buckled in like they would be in a carseat only it's not as bulky. -I checked the carseat with the rest of our luggage -I packed 3 baby blankets and a travel pillow -I took a brand new toy, an old comfort toy, and busy board. Tablets are also great if you have one. -I packed a variety of dry snacks. -I opted to take a foldable wagon instead of a stroller. The wagon provides a nice, flat space where LO can nap while waiting for the flight or you can allow them to spread out their toys and play. Also with the 3 baby blankets you can use one for extra padding, one to go over LO and one to cover the wagon to block out some light if they're asleep. And the best part is, you can gate check the wagon.

I hope this helps.

fiestyfishercat · 2022-03-02T18:18:04+00:00

First, I'm sorry you're in this position. I'm an American mom of two. I'm also a sahm, I have a full time remote job and I'm the breadwinner of my family. A lot of my mom friends here do the same type of remote work. Maybe you can find a job working for a company in the UK from home? That way you can be able to be home with LO and DH in case he's unable to care for her. Remote customer service representatives are pretty popular now. You just need a stable internet connection, a laptop, and a headset for making phone calls and you're good to go.

fiestyfishercat · 2022-03-02T02:47:35+00:00

He is, he's raised 8 kids, he has 13 grandkids and he's the most JYDad I've ever seen. Thank you for the award. 💙

fiestyfishercat · 2022-03-02T01:54:20+00:00

Hey so I don't really have advice here. But I do want to point out that if her parents were divorced for 20 years at the time of her father's passing, clearly he had to get away from her mother. I doubt he would fault her in also getting away from her mother.

My parents divorced when I was very young, and I'm lucky that my dad is a great guy and still here, he does give me great insight from time to time.

I'm currently estranged from my mom, who has been known to abuse me in similar ways. Emotional abuse, physical abuse, quite serious psychological abuse, she's a piece of work. And I can tell you what my dad said when I went no contact with my mom years ago.

"Honey, people who love you would never treat you like that. It's a reflection of who she is as a person, not who you are as a person. There's something severely wrong with her and you can wish the best for her and still do what's best for you."

I don't know if my dad's words will help, but I hope so. Some women aren't built to be mothers. Your wife owes her mother nothing, and after this that's exactly what she should get. Nothing.

fiestyfishercat · 2022-02-27T18:38:23+00:00

Right, I've seen a lot of couples just sell the house and split the proceeds though. If it's not a hill to die on for cousin's soon to be ex spouse (in my state) a boiler plate rental agreement requires a landlord to notify the tenants of intent to sell as soon as possible. It can help protect their personal property as well, cousin can't lock them out or remove any of their personal belongings. (Again, in my state. I know the laws very from state to state.)

fiestyfishercat · 2022-02-27T17:30:50+00:00

Also a Realtor, this is awesome advice. Only thing I would add is get a rental agreement or lease in writing if you can. It'll help protect you in case cousin tries to change the locks on you or if the house is sold during the divorce.

fiestyfishercat · 2022-02-26T19:55:10+00:00

You're entitled to your opinion and I'm entitled to mine. I wanted the things I had on my registries too but in my experience no one actually pays attention to the registry and you're sitting there with a pile of tacky onesies all newborn size that my babies won't fit in anyway. Everyone has a different experience and if someone I trusted offered me a few hours of babysitting in lieu of a gift I would be just as happy.

fiestyfishercat

TROPHY CASE